Advice on changing my habits in regards to my lodger 60.1.2.6 to 20

[bumblebee]

I have had a lodger for the past 18 months and we are very comfortable with each other. He is quiet and introverted and keeps himself to himself. Not entirely – occasionally we have an intense conversation, always about his own stuff, where he surprises me with his openness and ability to be vulnerable. For my part I feel invisible to him which is a bit strange but ok – I do creative work from home and I enjoy the head space as I’m easily distracted. So we are well suited but occasionally I wonder if the way we are living is a little tragic. At other times I feel vaguely blessed to have found another oddball I can rumble along with so easily.

Of late he has been exceptionally morose tho and I am wondering how to deal with it. My default has been to leave him in peace but I’m wondering if that is good for either of us. Equally I’m resistant to inviting him to talk as the interest is so one-sided. Hence my question.

Pondering over the various I Ching interpretations of hex 60 it dawned on me that I will probably end up just doing what I was going to do anyway – regardless of what the I Ching seems to be saying. Our personalities in this situation already have a certain momentum which is going to play out in a certain way. At which point I thought perhaps THIS is limitation! Perhaps THIS is what the hexagram was getting at.

I would love to hear other people’s take on this? Grateful for any thoughts

 

[Trojina]

Of late he has been exceptionally morose tho and I am wondering how to deal with it. My default has been to leave him in peace but I’m wondering if that is good for either of us. Equally I’m resistant to inviting him to talk as the interest is so one-sided. Hence my question.

It's a balancing act, a matter of measure, hence 60. Having both lines 1 and 2 which are contradictory suggests it's quite a fine matter, a fine distinction as to where to draw the line between being open to him or closed to him. 20 is you stepping back to look at this, to observe.

You have observed well

Pondering over the various I Ching interpretations of hex 60 it dawned on me that I will probably end up just doing what I was going to do anyway – regardless of what the I Ching seems to be saying. Our personalities in this situation already have a certain momentum which is going to play out in a certain way. At which point I thought perhaps THIS is limitation! Perhaps THIS is what the hexagram was getting at.

Yes although you don't have to let this play out entirely in the direction it looks to be headed as Yi is suggesting it's a really good idea to have measures and limits here. Line 6 says to make choices based on what it feels like to you. It's okay to be sympathetic in a one sided encounter when you've chosen that but notice when resentment creeps in. Giving and giving to him when he makes you feel invisible is going to be a 'bitter measure' that line 6 speaks of.

So Yi is giving the question back to you to weigh up for yourself. But the answer is, IMO, also suggesting carefulness, precision, deliberation. This means neither cutting him out/not being available to listen or being an ever available listening ear.

I have had a lodger for the past 18 months and we are very comfortable with each other. He is quiet and introverted and keeps himself to himself. Not entirely – occasionally we have an intense conversation, always about his own stuff, where he surprises me with his openness and ability to be vulnerable. For my part I feel invisible to him which is a bit strange but ok – I do creative work from home and I enjoy the head space as I’m easily distracted. So we are well suited but occasionally I wonder if the way we are living is a little tragic. At other times I feel vaguely blessed to have found another oddball I can rumble along with so easily.

It does sound like a good arrangement, feeling comfortable with a lodger isn't always easy to find. The other thing 60 asks in terms of measure here is what proportion is he lodger and what proportion friend ? It sounds like a nice balance right now but carrying a slight danger with all the boundary issues. You don't want to end up as his therapist nor take responsibility for him but then again you are a compassionate human being who I guess doesn't want to entirely turn your back on his unhappiness.

As I write I wonder if you might act as a sign poster rather than be the 'helper' yourself? For example if you know of specific issues he is having pointing out/suggesting relevant sources of support etc. That isn't your job either really but then if we all stuck to only caring for those in our intimate sphere where would we all be.

Pondering over the various I Ching interpretations of hex 60 it dawned on me that I will probably end up just doing what I was going to do anyway – regardless of what the I Ching seems to be saying. Our personalities in this situation already have a certain momentum which is going to play out in a certain way. At which point I thought perhaps THIS is limitation! Perhaps THIS is what the hexagram was getting at.

Again that seems insightful to me and the fact it dawned on you this way makes me feel you did hear Yi here...and yes I know what you mean, though I also see that Yi is asking you to be more active than that in weighing this up in a fairly calculated measured way.

60 is about measure, boundaries, how much to give or withhold, how much is needed, how much is too much. Line 6 is clear in saying "you'll know what is too much when it really doesn't taste good any more".

 

[bumblebee]

That is a wonderfully thoughtful and helpful reply Trojina. A heartfelt thank-you.

It's strange that you mention suicide at the end of your post. It has crossed my mind before that he is someone I could imagine finding hanging from the rafters. Yes please, if you could find Hilary's blog on hexagram 60 I would appreciate it (or pointers on how I find it myself? Is the blog something seperate?)

For now I will continue weighing things up with an open mind.

 

[Trojina]

I think I was mistaken and Hilary didn't write a blog on that, sorry. That's why I deleted my last paragraph mentioning suicide. There are a number of blogs on 60 though. To find them you go to the tab top right on the main page and there's a drop down menu with a search.

Here's a link to the one's I found on 60

60

...life can be translucent

www.onlineclarity.co.uk

 

[Trojina]

Actually this looks a good one though the title says '60 as relating' there's much about the lines there

Hexagram 60 as relating hexagram

MeasuringHexagram 60 is called Measuring, or Limits - not in the sense of imposing restrictions, but of knowing where the edges are, and discovering or negotiating what's workable.The original concept is the knots and segments of bamboo, and hence all ways of dividing up something big into s

www.onlineclarity.co.uk

,


....no there isn't, I thought there was but it's about lines that change that lead to 60. I am getting muddled today but I will leave it there anyway

Yes the Blog section is a vast collection of Hilary's writings over the years so it's always worth checking out to see what she has to say.

 

[bumblebee]

That's great, thanks very much, I will have a read...

 

[my_key]

I like Karcher's name for 60 "Articulating the Crossing". For me it carries a richer vein of exploration. One perhaps expressing how you will negotiate your way through a situation. Of course being mindful of the restrictions and limitations that exist for both sides in the negotiation. How are you going to get to the the other side?
Perhaps a bit like the negotiation process you describe in your first post.

 

[bumblebee]

Please could you say some more? I'm not sure what the other side might be in this situation. I'm curious too what you are referring to as the negotiation process.

 

[my_key]

Please could you say some more? I'm not sure what the other side might be in this situation. I'm curious too what you are referring to as the negotiation process.

Articulating means giving shape to something or expressing your perspective clearly. Also being flexible as in how a joint moves.
Crossing means getting to the other side, transitioning or traversing. You can't get to the other side without venturing forth from the comfort zone of where you rest now.
Negotiation is a process that allows for discussion and exchange that arrives at an agreed point of settlement between two or more parties.

You have seen the limitations - yours and those of the situation. You can accept them as they are, or you can speak up and, make the crossing to a new agreement that may suit you both better. Or you can end up doing what you were going to do anyway.

Life is a negotiation. As a general rule of thumb, if you don't ever have your say, life regularly dumps on you.

Good Luck

 

[bumblebee]

I'm interested that both you and Trojina interpret this as advice to be more proactive in this situation. Thank-you, I have taken note! I suspect I am generally rather too inert for my own good.

Many thanks for the input