Ask a scary question....

[kdedeaux4]

…get a scary answer!
This might involve entirely too much (too many words, too much thought..etc..).
Anyway, I’m really making an effort to learn from where I am and where I’ve been. It’s scary as HECK, but I believe even scarier would be to go through all of this and not learn something valuable from it all.
In the past 6 months or so, I’ve been attacked on several levels..my character, my intelligence, my entire essence it seems has been thrown under the microscope, questioned, criticized, beaten up. Of course, being me, I always assumed I knew me, right? So, while those things hurt deeply, I worked to shrug them off and tell myself that perhaps some people just like to be so hard and cruel to others because of their own challenges, not necessarily having any truth in regards to me.
BUT, after so *much* of this so repetitively, I started wondering, is there some truth in these things that maybe I just don’t want to see about myself? Being introspective and brutally honest with myself by nature (hoping to always be /work toward being the best I can be), it’s very difficult and frightening to even allow the passing thought that these ugly things might have some truth!!! Seriously, ouch…
So, I’m taking a look at the possibility bc if these things are true at all, then I’m not at all who I want to be, nor am I someone I’d even like, much less respect or value..tough stuff to contemplate.:-(
I asked the Iching, please give me a picture of how others see me. (I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how afraid I was for the response!)
Response: hexagram 38.4 --> 41.
OUCH… Before even looking more closely at this, I’ll be honest, I really wanted to instantly disregard this response and say…ohh that’s not for me, there’s been a mistake…let’s re-cast..
No. I have to take it. After all, this is why I’m asking.
38: Opposition: ppl see me as opposition. That makes sense from my recent dealings with ppl. But it also feels so “off” and confusing because my inner nature (from *my* perspective of course) is very passive and really believing that I’m seen as opposition is difficult to grasp. It is deeply exhausting for me to even defend myself when attacked….I just usually cower down and pray for it to pass. So, I’ve been trying to learn how to stand up for myself even though it’s scary in order to be less of a doormat for people. Yet, I’m seen as “opposition”?!?? Good grief, is my place in this world intended to be a silent and grateful doormat for others’ aggressions and cruelty? That actually makes sense given my circumstances…and yet, I really don’t want to believe that’s just my “place” in this world. I have great respect and reverence for the concept of a bodhisattva and I hold that as my ultimate goal, but I haven't taken vows or agreed to it yet!! The selfish part of me is still too strong and hopes for some degree of worthiness in this life (well, I hope to someday be worthy of worthiness at least..but I don't take that as a given for mself..I work toward being someone I believe is worthy of some life comforts. I don't see it as my entitlement.)
It’s so confusing and frustrating. I want to learn to own my own power and not allow myself to be run all over (understanding it’s my responsibility if I allow ppl to do that to me, not theirs for doing it)..so I’m trying to get the strength to stand my own and the minute I do attempt to protect and defend myself, I’M instantly shifted into the aggressor in people’s minds? Gosh, it feels like a lose-lose situation for me when I think of this.
The flip side of this is maybe the “opposition" ppl see about me is the VERY act of me having to try so hard to stand up for myself…as it very much goes against my nature…and I do sort of have to “force” myself into that…so maybe that’s what ppl see as the aggression?
I’m afraid to post this publicly even…I realize I may get no responses or I might get responses which aren’t things I want to see or accept about myself…
But then, again, that’s exactly what I want to do. So, I’m swallowing that fear and staying open to what I might hear and learn…even if it’s hard and I don’t like it.:bag:
Should anyone choose to respond with their thoughts, I only ask that you take into consideration, I’m pretty bruised and beaten aright now, I’m open though(not asking just to hear what I want to hear)….just hoping you’ll be as gentle as possible while still holding to truth.
Thank you.
Namaste’:bows:
~kd

 

[mirian]

…get a scary answer!
I asked the Iching, please give me a picture of how others see me. Response: hexagram 38.4 --> 41

I don't think that your answer is scary at all I also don't see, like you said, that in other people's mind you are the "aggressor" either.
Here is how I think that the Yi is describing what is going on between you and other people: misunderstandings, differences of opinion, people not really sharing the same views and perspectives at many levels. On many occasions you feel that it is "you against the world".
In answer to your question, line 4 is saying that the picture is of someone isolated. Having being through this Opposition for such a long time, you must have developed a defensive attitude, you feel that you have always to be ready to protect yourself from attacks, so you must have distanced yourself from others (or that is the way people see you).
But I believe that the changing line is also saying that there are people who share the same opinions as you do, people with similar values and outlook towards life, people who you could develop relationship and friendship with.

In my experience, when I got this same reading, I actually met like-minded people who helped me to free myself from isolation. So, I am just wondering if you are missing some opportunities out there. With Hex 41 as relating hexagram, I would think that it is time for you to "decrease" your isolation and start to be open to new people and relationships coming into your life. I does not seem that bad to me at all

 

[kdedeaux4]

Oh Mirian....
Thank you!!! You're so right. It seems to be chronic misunderstandings and conflict. Which I struggle with altogether because I actually enjoy conflicting opinions usually, as I feel they can open my eyes to a different perspective and I love seeing things from various angles and hope to never be closed off to that. However, on these particular "chronic" issues it's about m individual character per se...so it's *really* challenging to understand the confusion. It feels like abuse almost..just cruelty for cruelty's sake. But if I stay true to me, then I have to stop the instant need to be defensive and actually ponder a viewpoint which contrasts my own. For one example, I am not promiscous by nature and yet two separate people who I allowed into my life have recently called me "slutty". I'm no saint...so maybe I am "slutty"...but just don't realize it? No, I think, I am not slutty!! So, I chalk the first one up to being misunderstood. Mabe they simply have different standards for "slutty" than I....ok. Then the 2nd one comes and whoaaaaa.... okay now, am i?
Anway, that's just one concrete example. The challenge is that these misunderstandings are all in regards to my character..the basic essence of who I am...or who I *think* I am? and the way I choose to live m life If I strive daily to live my life by a set of standards I believe in, one would think, then, that my character would be fairly clearly and not so easily and rashly misunderstood, at least enough to not be judged in direct contradiction of what I think I am/stand for. A few of the others are "liar" and "low class". I don't want to be blind to these things if they're true, but I'm struggling to wrap my head around them because I often am honest when honesty is not the easiest choice (i.e, when I'd really prefer to maybe tell a lie..but I face the truth) or that I'm trying to learn to carry and consider myself with the respect I give others and yet try to keep a balance so I don't appear arrogant or judgmental of others (low class??)
Then it does turn into a defensive thing and I become defensive (yuk!), as in How DARE they?!!? It is painful to stop and ask myself, am i these things? But I am...I'm taking a good long look at all of this and trying not to be blind to the truth. Because if I AM these things while simultaneously thinking I am holding to a set of standards and ethics which directly contradict such things, then what is my struggle really about?
Since these misunderstandings/misconceptions have suddenly become so constant, I had to stop myself from making the assumption of it's them..not me. How many of "them" can it be til I have to stop and say, wait....maybe it IS me!?
I go on and on....I apologize This is a very difficult thing for me and I desperately need to understand.
That said (ad nauseum), thank you for putting a different perspective on this answer than what I was able to see. You're absolutely right about the isolation and subsequent defense mode I seem to have found my way into (again, NOT what or who I want to be in this world!) out of so much fear, pain, and misunderstandings. So...... maybe you're right about the rest of it too?
Big, BIG thank you's:hug

 

[diamanda]

38:4 - Isolated through opposition,
One meets a like-minded man
With whom one can associate in good faith.
Despite the danger, no blame.

People see you as a person who has had bad luck, but ultimately they can recognise your integrity and honesty. This is how true and decent people view you.

As about various weird people passing on weird judgement about you... I once had a chronic alcoholic blaming me for their alchocol addiction (!?!), a certified psychopath telling me that I should see a psychologist (!) and various other such 'cute' incidents. I read once (i forget where but it stayed with me) - if someone comes along and tells you: "you are 3 metres tall" - well, you really know that you're not. Trust your own heart more than anything in the world.

How many of "them" can it be - many... sadly very very many. The world is packed full of *****BEEP**** cencorship

PS - your integrity is very obvious actually. Only a truly nice person would ever seek the mistake in oneself first. It's easy for other not-so-nice beings to take advantage of this, please don't let them.

 

[ginnie]

Human beings project their own character flaws and see them in others. So when people think they are talking about you, they are really talking about themselves.

In reality, none of us is qualified to judge another, because our perceptions are so skewed ... and our expressions are so off-base.

As for your admirable qualities, which are in abundant supply, you will meet people who will see you for the good person you really are.

 

[kdedeaux4]

Diamanda:

People see you as a person who has had bad luck...

This stood out to me as true bc my ex husband after about 4 years together once said to me straight, "You have the most unbelievable bad luck of anyone I've ever heard of! Sh*t that happens regularly in your life usually onyl happens in bad movies."
So, I happen to know for a fact that you're right. There are certainly ppl who do see me precisely that way. So, I had to giggle a bit..although it's really not a funny thing being that the truth of it borders on bizarre..as if I have some kind of voodoo hex on me or something!

As about various weird people passing on weird judgement about you... I once had a chronic alcoholic blaming me for their alchocol addiction (!?!), a certified psychopath telling me that I should see a psychologist (!) and various other such 'cute' incidents. I read once (i forget where but it stayed with me) - if someone comes along and tells you: "you are 3 metres tall" - well, you really know that you're not.

This describes almost identically the kind of mind twisting things I've been attempting to cope with recently! First, let me say I'm really sorry to hear you've been through some of that. I'm finding it's terribly confusing and to "open" to criticism folks, it feels like simple madness.
M ex bf spent three days drunk while on vacation. i was concerned for him through these days and was the "responsible" one (I'm not always that..hahah), After sleeping an entire day and sobering up completely, he sits me down and says, "I think you're an alcoholic."
I don't even know what to say to that kind of twist of reality!! What?? Ok...? So, I look at my drinking habits and try to be honest w/ myself. Am I? All the while this funny little feeling inside says, WTF?? Why am *I* looking at MY drinking , especially in the specific circumstances under which this was said. The ugly truth is that I have drank more alcohol than usual since my dad died..so maybe this is a truth of me I just don't want to accept? yet the situations which are "bringing these questions to my attention" are so mind blowing that up feels like down and in feels like out, etc, etc... The next thing I know, I feel I'm going mad and I almost feel the need to question reality itself!
It's something I'd not wish on anyone!
The really dark and ugly thing that has occurred to me a few times is what if certain types of ppl enjoy these kinds of "attacks" when they know someone is in a particularly vulnerable frame of mind/place in life? UGHHH....that's truly too ugly of a concept for me to ponder for long. It makes my heart feel heavy, almost dirty for briefly wondering such a nasty thing even ...yet, if these things aren't true about me, as deep inside I feel like they can't be..then what is it? and for heaven's sake, WHY? It's all like a nightgmare version of Alice In Wonderland...just plain ugly.
Thank you for your thoughtful and reassuring reply. I'm so grateful ppl have responded. I feel like I'm desperately trying to hold onto the truth in my heart and I'm blessed I have a place like this to come and ask such crazy questions and receive objective insight to help me confirm things my heart has never doubted before. I'll never know exactly when or how I got so weak as this seems to prove I am right now...
Hugs for your experience w/ this garbage....and blessings to you for your kindness.

 

[kdedeaux4]

Human beings project their own character flaws and see them in others. So when people think they are talking about you, they are really talking about themselves.

In reality, none of us is qualified to judge another, because our perceptions are so skewed ... and our expressions are so off-base.

As for your admirable qualities, which are in abundant supply, you will meet people who will see you for the good person you really are.

Ginnie...I always get the feeling you're such a kind, gentle and soft soul from our posts.

I hope this is the extent of it, as this contemplation of otherwise is making me wonder if I have any idea at all who or what I really am...and for someone like me who strives for constant self improvement and deep self truths, that is a deeply frightening possibility...toeven possibly be that ignorant of self!!
Thank you for your words and thoughts

 

[ginnie]

You may unconsciously be asking people for their feedback a little too much. And as we said above, they then tell you about themselves, basically.

I think you might assume that deep down you are much like all other human beings, with some weaknesses and some true strengths. It is much healthier to be concerned with building up our strengths than searching out our weaknesses. You are experiencing where that can lead you: deep uncertainty about the essence of yourself. If I were you, I'd let myself off the hook at present and stop examining myself under a microscope. There is no reason why you should pick yourself to picks! You don't deserve such treatment! You're not a criminal. You haven't done anything wrong.

 

[bamboo]

 

[kdedeaux4]

Ginnie,
Thank you for those thoughts. You're absolutely right too! I do tend to be a bit too open to crticism in hopes of never ignoring or denying an opportunity to better myself out of sheer ignorance or stubbornness. These attacks from the past 6 months or so have truly been random and unsolicited; attacking the few elements of my character I feel fairly confident about. I suppose that in itself lends just lends more credence to the thought that it's not then about me...but far more about them. I do know that in my current vulnerable place though, that creating these doubts inside has probably not been too difficult for these people. I'm learning that if someone is "threatened" by another's level of standards and doesn't want to look at such things in relation to their own...and then understands that said person is currentl wide open and vulnerable, the absolute best method to keep one's own "darkness" or human faults out of the limelight or discussion is to stream a constant projection onto the vulnerable, tired person. It works like a charm...to a beaten down spirit. Suddenly any other discussion or self-reproach is impossible. If you force someone to chronically hold up armor with both hands, feet, and head(particularly if said person is already being attacked by others at this time), then the attacker's character, motivations, and actions become beyond reproach. The best defense is a surprising and chronic onslaught of offense.
I just have to get my strength and confidence (and breath!) back long enough again to see this for what it is, so as not to internalize it as truth. This is where I'm so very grateful to this forum and people like you.
Bamboo..that is beautiful. I'm making it my screen saver! Thank you!!!!
xoxo...Namaste'

 

[kdedeaux4]

Ginnie,
Thank you for those thoughts. You're absolutely right too! I do tend to be a bit too open to crticism in hopes of never ignoring or denying an opportunity to better myself out of sheer ignorance or stubbornness. These attacks from the past 6 months or so have truly been random and unsolicited; attacking the few elements of my character I feel fairly confident about. I suppose that in itself lends just lends more credence to the thought that it's not then about me...but far more about them. I do know that in my current vulnerable place though, that creating these doubts inside has probably not been too difficult for these people. I'm learning that if someone is "threatened" by another's level of standards and doesn't want to look at such things in relation to their own...and then understands that said person is currentl wide open and vulnerable, the absolute best method to keep one's own "darkness" or human faults out of the limelight or discussion is to stream a constant projection onto the vulnerable, tired person. It works like a charm...to a beaten down spirit. Suddenly any other discussion or self-reproach is impossible. If you force someone to chronically hold up armor with both hands, feet, and head(particularly if said person is already being attacked by others at this time), then the attacker's character, motivations, and actions become beyond reproach. The best defense is a surprising and chronic onslaught of offense.
I just have to get my strength and confidence (and breath!) back long enough again to see this for what it is, so as not to internalize it as truth. This is where I'm so very grateful to this forum and people like you.
Bamboo..that is beautiful I'm making it my screen saver! Thank you!!!!

 

[diamanda]

...then the attacker's character, motivations, and actions become beyond reproach. The best defense is a surprising and chronic onslaught of offense.

So well said. It's sad how often this scenario plays out in everyday life. And it's not only the weary souls who get this treatment. People who are disposed to attacking usually do so indiscriminately. Of course if they meet no resistance, they seem happy to 'oblige' further. Thanks but no thanks!