Different Values

[northland]

I am have problems with my family. I have come to see that our values are so different. They do things and say things that are not for me the right way and I am the only one who thinks like this. They all think more the same with each other and this makes me different from them. Because it is this way I can not say what I see is wrong because it will only cause me more problems that I do not want. I made the decision to just leave and say nothing at all. I do not want a confrontation but is this the best way for me? I Ching says to me Hx6 change line 2 and 6 becomes Hx45. Is seems like I Ching agrees with me but does it? I appreciate any help I can get. thanks

 

[hilary]

I think the I Ching is agreeing with you up to a point, but maybe indicating a third possible approach - neither useless confrontation nor just cutting off communication.

Hexagram 6 tells you something about the possible sources of the conflict. According to the Sequence, this can be a battle over essential resources. It often seems to be associated with the feeling that you have right but not might on your side, that you?re the small person facing up to a greater force. It?s also a feeling of indignation, knowing that the way things are is not in the least fair.

These feelings can all be 100% accurate without making any practical difference. 5 times out of 6 - including your two lines - the conflict can?t be won by fighting through. The I Ching is certainly endorsing your instinct to avoid a confrontation.

But I wonder whether leaving is the real alternative. The judgement says that a state of conflict is no time to be bringing things to an end, and there?s nothing to be gained by ?crossing the great river.? The best option is not making any irrevocable decisions, but rather in finding a higher perspective, that of the ?great person?, from which to work things out. In this hexagram, in practice, this often means literally finding someone impartial whom everyone can respect. If no such person is available - then you have to find that perspective within yourself.

The core of Hexagram 6 is #37, People in the Home. I think this indicates that conflicts resolved (or just managed) through the ?Great Person? lead to confident social bonds and boundaries. (It can be done. I?m married to someone with very different moral priorities, after all?)

Then Hexagram 45 - which I would guess represents the importance, for you, of having a true community where you can really devote your energies. It shows people gathered around a single spiritual centre, bringing big offerings with unanimity of purpose. And on an individual level, this can symbolise being able to unite your decisions with your higher (spiritual, transcendent?) purpose: bringing your own ?king? into your ?temple?.

The radical contrast between this and Hexagram 6 mirrors the fact that this is not something you?re finding with your family. It?s more to do with finding ways to live together than spontaneous unity.

The two lines seem to show good and bad ways of dealing with it. Where you can?t win, where communication is blocked off, it is good to seek refuge with your own kind of people - where you actually feel part of a family. The I Ching does agree that you need to escape. It doesn?t necessarily indicate that this should be permanent, though - the line has more the feeling of a temporary refuge.

Line 6 is plain and to the point. If this is a competition, you can certainly win it; you can state your case effectively, establish that you?re in the right? and of course, gain absolutely nothing in the long term. Obviously this is all too true of proving your point in argument, but even moving away could be this kind of futile gesture.

The feeling I get overall from this reading (and others will doubtless have different responses!) is that you can find a refuge from your family, a way to fulfil your own purpose, without freezing the differences between you and them into permanent estrangement. It might mean living away from them (at least for a time), but not giving up on communication.

I hope this helps!

 

[hilary]

P.S. The practical implications of the reading might vary depending on how old you are, etc. I realise I've no idea whether you're 17 and growing apart from your parents or 70 and growing apart from your grandchildren...

 

[northland]

Thank you Hilary for the reading.

I hope that someday things might be different between me and my family but right now I am very angry and disgusted with everything the way it is. The way they deal with others is often insensitive and grossly self-centered. They are deliberately mean and hurtful so they can be in control and they expect me support them so that they can feel justified in their behavior but I can't go along with it anymore.

You said that the judgement says..

"a state of conflict is no time to be bringing things to an end, and there?s nothing to be gained by ?crossing the great river.?"

But I don't see what can be gained from not crossing the great river either. Things are not going to get any better if I do nothing. My spirit needs the company of kindness and openmindedness. I cannot take another day of their aggressiveness to people who are different from them or who have ideas that don't agree with their own. They insist on clinging to the past and nothing ever changes. I can't live like this anymore. Their negativity influences me by being so close to it. I don't like who I am as a result of this influence.

I know that there are some others in my family who feel the way I do but none of them have the courage to stand up to the worst offenders in our group. Openly they will not support me and this just makes me disgusted with them too. I cannot win this fight alone head-to-head but I can gain my peace of mind by leaving and no longer getting caught up in their appalling dead-end dramas. So that is what I am doing. It feels right.

Thanks again Hilary.

 

[willow]

Dear Northland,

Just a couple points. First, you actually can't *leave* your family. You can certainly choose to act differently toward them. You can put physical distance between yourself and other living members of the family. You can make your choices known, and play out your actions in a variety of ways. But you can't leave anymore than you can change the circumstances of your birth.

Let me explain that a little, because even I hear that little voice saying, "but you *can* be "reborn". Yes, there are many deep and valid ways that we have figured out for creating a sense of forgiveness, a new start, cleansing, etc. But all the best of these work in the context of either *healing* your relationship to those larger things of which you are a part, or *initiating* you into a new level of power and responsibility.

You sound like you are very very close to taking your actions in a way that will be powerful and healing for both yourself and your family. You speak in "I" statements, showing that you see that it's not the other family member's fault for being the way they are, but rather, "I cannot live with this." You mention others who may feel the same as you, but are not brave enough to say so. When you take your actions, it may feel to you like you are leaving the family, but in the years ahead, it may play out as you having *led* the family. Even if it does not seem to you that your principled statement of what a healthy life means to you has had any effect on your family, it surely will have.

Look at LiSe's #6. She doesn't call it Conflict, she calls it "The Gong Speaks". What she means by that is:

And always remember there is no such thing as being in the right. It is based on human truth and human truth is temporary. In the course of time, right and wrong change places over and over again.
Then there is the order of ranking, the pecking order. Some people have natural authority, they do not fight for it. They are the Gongs. The ones who fight for a rank usually are bad leaders.


Second, consider looking at your situation from the other way around. Your family, with a long and complex history, of which you know a part, is what it is. Into that family, you arise. Now, if you look at your passionate need (for self-preservation and to be *away* from these people) as something that comes not from yourself, but from a need in the family that *you* are resonating to, how does that change your view. This is the way to get beyond the limiting perspectives of conflict. Imagine that you are the answer to your *opponent's* prayer. Then, whatever you decide, you have a better chance of sidestepping all the ways people try to draw you into conflict at their own level.

That's what the I Ching is trying to do for you - when you see an issue from a bigger perspective than the one you had, you may not change what you choose to do, but you will dance more effectively with the ripples that your choice sets in motion.

 

[northland]

dear Willow, thank you for going to the trouble for me. It is much appreciated. I understand what you are saying but from where I stand today it is hard to see how my actions will have the power to change anyone but myself. My decision to leave is not to punish anyone or teach anyone a lesson but to prove to myself that things can be better for me if I move away. I know that they will always be my family. There is not much I can do about this fact (it's a done deal, as they say) but I can move myself into more comfortable surroundings that bring me peace rather than stress. I am not unhappy about making this move either. It's been a long time coming and I am old enough to be on my own. I only wondered whether I should make an issue of it or just go. Did I need to tell them why I was going or not? That was my main question to the I Ching. When I first saw hexagram 6 come up I thought I needed to fight it out but the changing lines were saying that a fight would accomplish nothing. I interpreted it as saying 'get away and don't look back', this was my gut feeling all along. I just wanted some outside opinion about it. If I really have any power to change things I know for a fact that it is not going to happen if I stay where I am right now. I know that the simple act of moving away will change things for me and that's all that really matters right now.

thanks