Dispute with a friend. Hex 57 Unchanging

[lysithea]

Hi everyone,
First, I must warn you, this might sound very adolescent and I apologize.

I got angry with a dear friend last friday and things are still weird. We were supposed to meet friday night but she cancelled at the last minute because "there's this party and I really want to go, please can we reschedule" uch:. I was very miffed about it and made me feel very bad and excluded so I didn't speak to her for a couple of days because I was hurt.
She messaged me on sunday, very distant -I think because she knew she screwed up and wanted to test the waters- She said she wanted to get together with me during the week. I told her "Sure, but are you positive you won't have any new parties that will force you to cancel on me again?". She said one of the reasons she wanted to see me was to apologize". Because of that I said yes, and was really hopeful we were going to be able to talk it out.
On tuesday she called me and said that she was going to be able to make it for a little while after work. I agreed, she showed up and NOTHING. No apology, not even a mention of what had happened except for a "Is there something wrong? You seem weird today". I looked at her kind of baffled and just said "no, everything is fine". She wanted some help with a project, spent about 1 and a half hour at home with me and left.
So today I asked: what can I expect from this? Got 57 Unchanging.
I've always interpreted this hexagram very literally: being "small", adapting, responding to the environment in order to influence it, but I would like another take in this situation in particular.
I really don't want to fight with her, but I'm very hurt and the fact that she doesn't even acknowledge that she hurt me hurts me even more.

 

[mulberry]

Remember that 57 has an idea of gentleness at its core. The advice it gives is a reminder about the more lasting effects of small, gentle movements, like the wind gently dispersing clouds, and a reminder that harsh movements ("surprise attack") while more striking are less stable.

You should let this go. What your friend did was not exactly polite, but nor was it a deep insult, betrayal, or grave error. It would be nice if she apologized in passing, but it might not have even occurred to her that she needed to, since you give no indication that you told her how much her changing the plans upset you when you finally did meet. In fact you answered, "No, everything is fine"-- when things weren't (and she knew enough to pick up on it and ask you directly). You were passive aggressive, and that's not fair to her.

I think 57 is telling you to let go of this, and reminding you that gentle actions often lead to more lasting solutions. What she did was not a serious breach of friendship, but you are threatening to make the whole incident into a real conflict with your actions and your anger, which appear out of proportion to the original slight.

 

[ginnie]

Gee, when she said she wanted to see you, I thought she was going to apologize! I really sympathize with you; I had a similar incident not too long ago. And it really hurt so much, to have my friendship taken for granted. But it is hard to speak up and say something when she is not acknowledging that she did something hurtful. It would look like you are over-reacting to what was indeed nothing to get concerned about. The truth is that it is the little things in life that get to us the most.

I think the 57 is saying to go slowly and be subtle. Try to look at it what happened from all points of view. Slowly penetrate to the core of the situation. Let some of the indignation go. In a few days, review how you feel about her and then take it from there. This sort of situation just sits inside us and rankles, doesn't it? Well, that is because we have taken offense. We have to learn how to forgive misdeeds in order to clear out these unpleasant feelings.

I guess the bottom line is whether or not you still want to be friends with her in the future. If it becomes a pattern, I think you're going to have to find a way to bring it up with her -- or leave her flat sometime and see how she likes it.

 

[goddessliss]

I think it's also saying be gentle with yourself. Your expectations from her may be more than she can give although that doesn't take away what I myself consider inconsiderate by canceling and then not apologising properly.

I had a similar situation with a very old friend a couple of years ago and she would continually cancel on me. Finally it came to a head but I refused to argue the point with her, rather left it for 24 hours when we could speak calmly about it. She did indeed apologise, shed some tears and almost begged me to forgive her saying it wouldn't happen again. And guess what? it happened a week later and sadly I chose to let go of the friendship. I'd known her since we were 5 years old.

Hex 57 speaks of being independent with a clear plan. That's what I did - I had a clear plan for when I spoke to her about it and if it happened again. Sure I can miss her at times but now I have friends who keep our plans because I upped my self esteem. - Liss

 

[lysithea]

Thanks to everyone for the great advice and interpretations:
Mulberry, thanks for your interpretation, I think you hit the right chord when you talked about not being too harsh and let it go.
Ginnie and Liss... You got me 100% It is the small things and often times it is not so much about the deed itself than about how we feel about it. What Liss says about being gentle with oneself resonated with me heavily. I guess that this made me feel as if she didn't really care about the friendship and made me question the fact that I tend to be an emotional crutch to my friends (they look for my support when they are feeling they can't stand on their own, but leave me in the closet when they are free to run).
I am letting go. We haven't really spoken since Tuesday when she stopped by except from some minor interaction over facebook comments. I guess that if it comes up later on (but not in too much time from now), I will mention it. Otherwise, we'll see.