Great power?

[calumet]

It's now been 4 months, plus or minus, since the Final Showdown with Baldy. I made the decision to have a Final Showdown quite a long time ago--probably a year and a half ago. Finding the right time and context to confront him wasn't easy or quick; he's a master at ducking and evasion. Nevertheless I began to show some backbone about a year ago, and things devolved pretty quickly. The end was not pretty, and was most painful for me and probably for him as well, although it's questionable whether he realizes that. He doesn't do feelings, most especially his own.

Since the Final Showdown I've devoted a lot of energy to putting one foot in front of the other; to taking care of my daughter, the canary in the coal mine who collapsed emotionally when I was at my lowest ebb; and to thinking about how in the future I can weed the bad guys out early. Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've gotten involved with a man like Baldy, but I'm determined it'll be the last.

Now, a year after firing the opening salvos in what became a months-long guerilla war--it's not possible to have a clean and open disagreement with this man--and now after doing fairly well for some weeks, I'm back in the dumps. It's not as bad as it was in the fall, but it's bad enough. A few nights I've not slept well, tossing and turning and trying not to think of pink elephants. Last night was particularly bad. No bad dreams, just a lot of sleep-killing rumination. I went along with it in the hope of easing it out the door; I visualized it floating away; I did everything I could think of. But I didn't really fall asleep for 4 hours.

Q: What was that last night, and how do I fix it?
A: 34.1.3.4-->7.

Could mean I'm just being a big baby. Could mean it's my own fault for being so harsh with him, but what do I do about that now? Or maybe it means ease up a bit, don't force recovery, which will come in its own time. But I don't know what "easing up" would look like. Do I need more bubble baths, more massages, a trip to the beach? A recreational romp in the hay? With whom? I just don't know. There's also a message in here about how the truly strong have no need to bully and force--something I neglected to consider in regard to Baldy. And too it could be telling me that I'm strong-arming myself, revealing underlying weakness and lack of resolve, which is not a cheering thought.

None of the above has any particular resonance, and I'd welcome other ideas.

 

[RindaR]

Calumet,

I've followed your saga with the greatest of respect, I know something of this kind of experience.

This reading reminds me that if I fight the enemy, he still controls me. If I spend my energies becoming more myself, my enemy may become disinterested and leave.

You have followed your pain to examine the wounds you've sustained, their causes, their sequelae. Now it may be time to follow your joy to see what new life you may attain. What interest or activity in this life brings you joy? If you have no joy now, what has brought it to you in the past? Follow your joy to bring you to a more complete understanding of your strengths, of your possibilities, of your whole self....

Does this help at all?

Rinda

 

[pam]

Calumet,

The separate lines suggest the way out - continuing in this vein brings misfortune, and though it cannot be avoided, grieving over the loss of your love is necessary and probably part of the healing process. If you 'get your horns caught in the hedge' and cannot advance or retreat, it prolongs the pain, but this also is part of the 'giving up on love' process. Finally, you advance without hinderance and break through the hedge to go upward. It isn't an easy process and it can't be made any faster than it takes an individual to go through it.

You have correctly realized that recovery will come in its own time. For you, it probably doesn't involve more bubble baths, etc. but just wading through the muck of memories that build up from a long-term relationship. It takes time. I wish it was easier for you, because I also wish it was easier for me, but there it is. After six years now, I still love that someone. But not to distraction...just 'it's there'. If you find another 'someone' it might go faster. If not, it takes a few years, minimum, if you really loved him.

I think you are doing a great job and I follow all your posts. I hope you maintain your strength and come to the people who care about you here at Clarity when you are down and need some encouragement. It would also be great if you had some people 'in the flesh' to help you out on lonely nights - just to hang with and give you a hug and help out with the lonely times.

But I do care about you and I think many others here also care about you. I hope you stay strong - I wish I was closer so I could actually come visit but I am in CA and that isn't so close to WA. Keep up your spirits and keep writing us. We do love you (even if it's from afar).

Pam

 

[calumet]

Here's what I've got now.

Q: What was that about last night ...
A: 34, great power--that is, the great power of strong emotions.

Q: ... and how do I fix it?
A: Line 1, understand how to use this power; line 3, nurture it until you are able to use it well; line 4, if you persevere, this power can become like an axle, the small, concentrated center of power that drives a large wheel. Changes to 7, The Army--that is, turn a rabble into a fighting force. (Sorry about the martial imagery, but the gua is called "The Army," and not "The Lemonade Stand.")

Further thoughts: The strong emotions are not just about Baldy, but also about what he represents. Strong emotions don't go away; but if treated properly, they can in time be transmogrified into something else, much as the fiery passion of youth becomes the quiet devotion of old age. Or so they say.

Thanks, all.

 

[malka]

Calumet,
I have not fully followed your story, I am sorry to say. However perhaps this is good that I can have a fresh lens.

It sounds like you are describing anxiety, and this is something I know about. It is powerful, and it seems to take over. There is usually no talking ourselves out of it (at least not for me) because it's mostly mental energy already, and to add more logic and thinking to it seems to stir it up further.

Anxiety may at times be an unwelcomed guest. It is also a reminder of how much we're capable of feeling and our capacity for feeling. Also, our emotions are generally considered the path to connecting with others. And so, as you've already pointed out in your last post, perhaps the lesson here is to learn to embrace your gift of deep emotion, to bring compassion to yourself, and in doing so I suspect the intensity of feeling will diminish. The loudness tends to happen when we're not listening. Once we start listening, there is no need for it to bang over our heads and shout.

This may be out-of-context with your whole overall story, and if so I do apologize. Please just take whatever is useful to you from these words, if anything at all.

Take care, and be well,
Malka

 

[calumet]

Anxiety! Now why didn't I think of that? If anyone else said, "I couldn't get to sleep," I'd immediately assume they were anxious about something. Now to figure out what exactly the anxiety was about.

As far as not knowing the whole story, perhaps you're just as well off. I'm a little sick of it myself.

 

[dobro p]

"Q: What was that last night, and how do I fix it?
A: 34.1.3.4-->7."

That's two questions: you're looking for insight and understanding in the first question, and you're looking for a fix in the second question. My guess is that the result (34.1.3.4) is a compound answer (ie difficult to read). You've got three changing lines, which is complex enough, but do they describe what happened last night (past) or do they talk about the fix (future)? Confusing, for me at least.

So, I'll dumb it down. I'm good at dumbing things down lol.

What was that about? Hex 34: It was a great and important exercising of flourishing strength.

How do I fix it? Hex 7: organized force embodying and carrying out what it thinks is right. In other words, take charge of the powerful force that cropped up in Hex 34. In other words, take charge of it rather than let it take charge of you. Taking charge of the force means doing so responsibly - ie according to your highest ideals and best judgement.

 

[jerryd]

Calumet;
I cannot help but ask : is this baldy much your senior? If so does he have an insecurity problem you are feeding into by playing this senerio out with him?

P.S. I am an old bald guy>LOL\ I could not help my self. Sorry

 

[calumet]

Dobro, I agree with your interpretation. I hadn't considered that my question was compound, and that it's not always the best idea to ask compound questions. But I seem to have gotten a decent read out of this. Anyway if the cast is truly random (ahem), then the form of the question doesn't really matter. What matters is that the querent understand what she wants to know--admittedly this is easier if the question is formed properly--and that the reader have the ability to extract meaning from the cast. Right? I still think the "great power" grew out of anxiety, and still haven't identified the source of the latter to my satisfaction.

Whatever it was, it got me pretty well in its grip yesterday. I spent much of the day missing Baldy and thinking up reasons why I should get in touch with him. I didn't, of course, and went dancing instead.

Q: Why all this emotion? I'm supposed to be getting over this.
A: 55.1.3.5-->45.
Q: Huh? I'm miserable.
A: How happy do you think Wu was, carrying his father's body into battle?

Jerry, Baldy is a couple of years younger than I am, which makes him a middle-aged bald guy. Yes, he has a very severe insecurity problem, which of course he does his best to hide, especially from himself. It doesn't stem from being follicularly challenged. If I'm feeding his insecurity, that's his lookout. The scenario I'm playing out with him--at his instigation and my choice, or at my choice and his instigation, or something--is titled, "Fine. Goodbye forever." Incidentally, there's nothing wrong with being bald unless you happen to insult the daylights out of me and you subsequently come to need a nickname. Then watch out.

 

[dobro p]

"What matters is that the querent understand what she wants to know--admittedly this is easier if the question is formed properly--and that the reader have the ability to extract meaning from the cast. Right?"

Yes, quite right, if it works for you. (I was thinking like a guy. You go ahead and multitask with the oracle; I'll dumb it down for myself instead lol.)

 

[jerryd]

Sorry Calumet ( did not mean to stick my > in where it did not belong. red in the face.

 

[calumet]

It's OK, Jerry. Posting to a public bulletin board is an implied waiver of privacy, and anyway in present company I'm not bashful about the topic.

 

[jerryd]

Ok perhaps I will just listen for a bit longer..

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