33.2 ... Why am I having such a hard time letting go :(

saturn · Jul 4, 2013

It has been 9 months since the abrupt ending of a relationship that I thought would last forever. I have tried everything to move on and heal. I have gone on dates. I have kept busy, remodeled my home, updated my wardrobe. I've learned to dance salsa! I've meditated. I have even accepted that I can't let it go and just lived through the pain. I have journaled. I'm even taking an anti-depressant. I pray every day. I bet my mother Mary is tired of consoling me. I asked today "why am I having such a hard time letting go? How do I do it? please help me! Anyone!" ..something like that I said. And when 33.2 came up I was speechless. I need help please. I'm sure the breakup happened because it was broken and I know in time things will get better..but what gives? I'm ready to be done with this deep sadness. I am usually really intuitive and just kind of "get" the universe and its messages but this situation has got me in a cloudy fog. Please help me with this reading. :weep:

Any insight or intuitive help is greatly appreciated.

A little background info: the relationship lasted about 1.5-2 years. the last part he was very distant but he had family stuff going on so I gave him his space. I was just so sure we'd be together forever. I felt something was off one night and asked him to just tell me what was going on. He told me he had lost interest in me. That was last fall and he hasn't reached out to me since. I have spoken with him and his family a few times but not for more than 5 minutes or so at a time. I'm aware he doesn't want to be with me- actions and words confirm this. Why can't I let this go?

precision grace · Jul 4, 2013

You probably won't thank me for this but..

Why am I having such a hard time letting go?

A: 33.2 Because you are holding on to it too tightly

Maybe it's time to revise your idea of how relationships work, maybe that's why you can't let go because you felt so sure you knew what was what and then life proved you very wrong and now you have two choices, either refuse to acknowledge and deal with this (as you are doing now) or start unpacking your belief system and find the wrong things and put them right so that you can move on with your life.

It's horrible being dumped but you are not crazy, you clearly felt that something was off so maybe it's that you can't let go of the idea that you like him (are you one of those over-committed people by any chance?)

poised · Jul 4, 2013

33.2

This is a tough one, saturn, but I suspect you are making progress. I dug around and found this explanation of the line from the book by R.L. Wing.

" You lack sufficient strength to make a complete withdrawal. If you can maintain a strong desire to Retreat or align yourself with one in a position to guide you, can make your escape."

Seems to me you are in the process. Are you angry with him?

One thing I found very valuable in getting failed relationships out of my mental space is to remember everything I didn't like about the guy. Which helped in "maintaining a strong desire to retreat."

When my husband moved out years ago, he left clothing behind. I stuffed a shirt and pants with pillows and jumped up and down on the effigy. Seems childish, but it made me feel very strong.

I read about these techniques in advice-on-breaking-up books my aunt gave me. Long ago, but there are probably some similar guide books in bookstores now.

saturn · Jul 4, 2013

I think on the surface I would love to get him out of my mind, I think its time. I think in my heart of hearts I also want to get over it. I know its over and I want him out. I allowed myself to be sad and dwell on it at first but then I realized it was time to move forward. Somehow some way every single day I think about it. I also go through weeks where I dream about him 3-4 nights in a row. So then why isn't the memory of him (good and bad) the failure feeling of it, the everything gone already? What gives?

Can somebody ask the iching about this situation and tell me. I feel so foggy in my mind right now. I sure do need to change everything about how I do relationships because I do not like this feeling at all. Thanks.

saturn · Jul 4, 2013

poised said:
Seems to me you are in the process. Are you angry with him?

In the beginning I would be angry with him one day, feel sorry for him the next, thank him for doing me the favor of separating his life from mine so that my true love could enter

on another day, then I would think he was disgusting and so it went for about 2-3 months...

But now I'm not angry with him, no. I want him to do well and be happy and have health and wealth and love. I love him and his family and I want them all to do great. I never want him to feel what I feel now, no. I wish he would find his most ultimate happiness and enjoy it. I'm sure he didn't meant to hurt me he's not a horrible mean person. Things just happen this is life right?... but I'm so fuzzy in the mind about it. It's weird.

saturn · Jul 4, 2013

precision grace said:
You probably won't thank me for this but..

Why am I having such a hard time letting go?

A: 33.2 Because you are holding on to it too tightly

(are you one of those over-committed people by any chance?)

Yes I AM definitely holding on too tightly. But why? Why and how do I stop!? It's driving me nuts. Dreaming about him doesn't help. I dreamt that he was at the side of my bed and I asked "is it reallly you?" and he smiled and told me about what has been going on in his life these past months we've been apart. He told me he needed to let his mother borrow his car. I was so happy to see him in the dream. In the dream the whole break-up had only been a dream- we laughed about it. Then I woke up and I'm so confused in the head. I need a miracle.

Oh and yes I am that type. Relationships are no joke and I don't take feelings, hearts, love, families and anything involved with a relationship lightly. I'm a grown woman and don't have time for "under-commitment". Should I?

He tried and tried and tried to be in a relationship with me but because I know myself and take them seriously I wasn't so sure. Then I gave in. A year and a half later he no longer wanted to be with me.

precision grace · Jul 5, 2013

saturn said:
Oh and yes I am that type. Relationships are no joke and I don't take feelings, hearts, love, families and anything involved with a relationship lightly. I'm a grown woman and don't have time for "under-commitment". Should I?

Shoulds lead to the Dark Side, stay away from Shoulds

He tried and tried and tried to be in a relationship with me but because I know myself and take them seriously I wasn't so sure. Then I gave in. A year and a half later he no longer wanted to be with me.

Ah. Well. See, if you will allow me a bit of pop psychology here (and also - have you tried counselling for this problem?); the fact that you held off until you 'felt sure' (or did you feel sure or did you just feel to rude holding off any longer?) and then when you did commit he left the relationship - that, right there, would be very difficult thing to reconcile I'd have thought.

Did he wait until All of You was available for review and then found You lacking? (ouch!)
Did your own inner compass dessert you? (double ouch!)
Did both of the above happen at the same time and if so ?! (ouch to the power of n)

I am sure the above questions may have crossed your mind. Maybe there are others. I suggest the reason you cannot move on is because there is some question, hiding somewhere in the recesses of your mind, that you haven't put to rest. Maybe you just didn't get satisfactory closure?
Who knows. Maybe in the dream world you are a happy couple but for whatever reason cannot make it work in the waking one? Sometimes you also have to allow for the possibility that things take waaaaay longer than we would like. Have you considered looking for a rebound as a way of "clearing your mind"?

saturn · Jul 5, 2013

The closure thing is a big one. I want to know what he didn't like about me after I let him in. & Rebounds work for the little moment they last. But that gets exhausting too.
I guess I'll just keep praying my novenas and I'm sure some day some way this fog will clear up and I'll be just fine. For now I'll just ride it through. Please pray for me. Thanks.

meng · Jul 5, 2013

Because it hurts so good. Fond memories and hurtful memories with a person sort of blend together. Today I had a chili flavored chocolate. I think it's totally yuck but it's one of their best sellers, chilli chocolate bar. I don't know that the flavor of a relationship can ever be forgotten, but how much we think on it is up to us. The thought comes, we can redirect it. Sounds like denial and in a way it is. I walk by faith and denial. We'll see how far that gets me. Not dwelling on him will alter your habitual frequency likewise.

bradford · Jul 5, 2013

Maybe freedom frightens you more than loss.

poised · Jul 5, 2013

Love or addiction?

saturn said:
In the beginning I would be angry with him one day, feel sorry for him the next, thank him for doing me the favor of separating his life from mine so that my true love could enter on another day, then I would think he was disgusting and so it went for about 2-3 months...

But now I'm not angry with him, no. I want him to do well and be happy and have health and wealth and love. I love him and his family and I want them all to do great. I never want him to feel what I feel now, no. I wish he would find his most ultimate happiness and enjoy it. I'm sure he didn't meant to hurt me he's not a horrible mean person. Things just happen this is life right?... but I'm so fuzzy in the mind about it. It's weird.

When I asked whether you were angry with him, I was hoping the answer would be an emphatic yes. I very much relate, saturn, having had huge, awful, painful breakups with men I loved deeply. The worst being several years ago, the man I loved most, ever. But he did not love me that way...and kept getting nastier and nastier. I broke it off, because I could see that there would eventually be no limit to his nasty behavior, and that was NOT ok.

I felt that I had sort of absorbed him into me...this melding, possessive, love is NOT healthy. I left, did huge amounts of therapy, and found that anger was very good for me. If he came around in dreams, I felt that he was psychically sapping my energy. I'd kick or hit at the image and tell him NO, get away. I got to the point at which I no longer cared whether he ever meant to hurt me, whether he was a horrible mean person, whether he ever was happy again. NONE of that was any of my business, nor did it do me any good. Or him, for that matter.

The only important thing was to STAY DETERMINED not to think about the good times and all that nicey-nicey stuff. And to get him out of my system.

I even took up golf. Slamming a ball made me extremely happy. :claps:

LiSe has a really good explanation for 33.2 "
"Hold on to your true self and to what you see as important. Then you will in all circumstances have the right reaction. Because it will not be formed by the circumstances but by your inner core. There is no law of being consistent towards the world, but to yourself there is."

Anyway, you have no duty to this guy to think well of him or to think of him at all. YOu sound like such a lovely person, I know that once free of this addictive relationship, you will find a man who deserves you. Just kick the habit!

deusa · Jul 5, 2013

I can tell you for sure that it eventually goes away. For me it was a pretty ugly disappearance of the person in question and we had such a deep bond that it took me a lot of time and pain to slowly get rid of him. It will also be 9 months in the beggining of august.
I still didn't get rid of him totally, if you see the post about the dinner i posted today. What i noticed very frankly is that the more i tried to get rid of him, the worse it got.
I had to accept. And i got councelling.
I also realized he was a kind of ideal to me. He showed me what i need. And it is hard to get rid of an ideal...
I really loved bardford's answer. Freedom can be very frightening...

saturn · Jul 6, 2013

Thank you all so very very much. I really like meng's "it hurts so good" and yes freedom is scary! But you know what? I think I'm ok wishing him love and missing him and all this yada yada. I get frustrated with myself for not getting over it quicker because I think that's what people do these days- jump around from one person to the next and just.. be shallow. I'll just accept that I'm not like that. If it takes me a little longer to process and get over it then so be it. I know in time things will be just fine. God is amazing and works miracles. God bless you all and thank you so so so very much for all of your advice and for sharing your experiences. It means so much to me. Thank you a million times thanks! I love you and please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I feel so very blessed and lucky to read all of your responses. God bless him and all the ones who "got away" or broke our hearts..or just didn't work out.. Our birthright is to be happy and loved right?
Love you all so much. Thanks a million.

meng · Jul 6, 2013

It's our birthright to give it a hell of a try to be happy and loved, but I don't think either is reliable enough to build ones foundation upon. If you must receive someone's validation before you can approve or disapprove it yourself, there's work to be done, if being an individual is of importance.

Just when we think we've got the hang of riding a bike, off come the training wheels.

rosada · Jul 6, 2013

You might try asking a different question to direct your focus to the future like, "As I release old patterns, what new opportunities become available?"

Rosada

saturn · Jul 7, 2013

meng said:
It's our birthright to give it a hell of a try to be happy and loved, but I don't think either is reliable enough to build ones foundation upon. If you must receive someone's validation before you can approve or disapprove it yourself, there's work to be done, if being an individual is of importance.

Just when we think we've got the hang of riding a bike, off come the training wheels.

I have made the decision to let it go..When the memory comes up I re-direct it and think something like "I hope he is doing wonderful man" haha. Its sort of like you mentioned earlier, denying it.

rosada said:
You might try asking a different question to direct your focus to the future like, "As I release old patterns, what new opportunities become available?"

Rosada

I don't know what to ask. I might be afraid to find out what the REAL question is. For now I'm taking baby steps. I just want to not be so dependent on others, ideas, memories whatever. I want to be at peace and just be satisfied with being alive, with myself. I'm aware that I can't get that satisfaction from outside of myself.. I think I've never even been able to do it though honestly... Well it isn't coming easy these days. Thanks my friends. Love and peace and thank you thank you thank you.

poised · Jul 7, 2013

saturn said:
I think I'm ok wishing him love and missing him and all this yada yada. I get frustrated with myself for not getting over it quicker because I think that's what people do these days- jump around from one person to the next and just.. be shallow. I'll just accept that I'm not like that.

Getting over it does not in any way mean you jump from person to person or are in the least bit shallow. Quite the contrary. Getting over it means deeper understanding of yourself. And really getting over it might mean many years before you get into another relationship again.

My friend who went through several men with terrible results took time out to look deeply, do therapy, go to groups, read, do various "release" processes, make friends with people she was not going to get into a relationship with...And did not date for about two years. Then she went home to Italy, met a lovely man who was very compatible and who truly loves her and they've been married for 20 years. Happily. Had she NOT taken time to do the work and really disconnect with the wrong men and more importantly, her self-destructive relationship patterns, she might not have recognized the value of the man who truly loved her.

I wish you all the best, saturn.

saturn · Jul 7, 2013

poised said:
Had she NOT taken time to do the work and really disconnect with the wrong men and more importantly, her self-destructive relationship patterns, she might not have recognized the value of the man who truly loved her.

I wish you all the best, saturn.

I love this idea..taking the time to disconnect from the wrong men/people & relationship patterns. It makes a lot of sense. I'm holding on so tightly because I've been doing it forever! I really like that.. I need to disconnect from these things and that takes time..and strength. Its hard to let go but not impossible. I'm determined.

Thanks for the well wishes.

hebe · Sep 25, 2014

Can I ask all those months later....how are you doing? Have you managed to let go? It would be really helpful to know as this seemed such a strong attachment and I would be very interested to know if the old 'time heals' did....? Would be great to hear.

ginnie · Sep 25, 2014

Well, remembering him is something to hold onto, isn't it? Sometimes we just need something to hold onto.

33.2 ... Why am I having such a hard time letting go :(

visitor

visitor

visitor

visitor

visitor

visitor

visitor

visitor

(deceased)

(deceased)

visitor

visitor

visitor

(deceased)

visitor

visitor

visitor

visitor

hebe

Guest

visitor