19.5.6> 61, 61.2.3.4 and 51.2> 54 purpose and meaning

[kestrelw1ngs]

going through med changes + situationship continues to drag on. last meds likely gave me allergic reaction pretty severe.
I asked Yi about these new meds and all it will say is 57 unchanging.

Mentally & emotionally I am at the "end of my rope" finding out unpleasant truths about my own habits & behaviors in love and friendship (codependency, lack of boundaries). Can't focus on habits, hobbies. Almost every friend has sort of pulled away or I have pulled away due to my negative thoughts being so strong, its hard to know what to say to anyone that won't drag them down with me. Very isolated and depressed to point of suicidal thoughts every morning, it takes me hours to get up...

last night hit a low spot

the tune of my readings changes from trying to handle the situation or get outcomes, just to seeing what can I change in my own heart & spirit to survive now.

"what do i need to change to find & keep friends?"
12.4>20
Having a higher purpose.
Without fault,
but it is a category separate from happiness.


"dear yi, what path can i follow to find a higher purpose outside my own ego?"
51.2>54

and finally
"what can I do to stop hating myself?"
19.5.6 >61

"how do I deal with feeling isolated?"
61.2.3.4>13
maybe about finding a group or someone close to share how i'm feeling?

I have seen 51.2 mean something like "revelation" or a shock that makes you give up what you were chasing.
i am not sure of 19.5.6 at all.

your insight has been much appreciated throughout all this.
i wish to simply laugh at how life has turned out and move forward but am sort of stuck in the muck of unprocessed emotions of this last few years' loss. it is my progressed moon year leading up to Saturn return -
the anonymity of these forums feel a safe place to share what's going on.

EDITS: removing some personal details.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

i am most focused on 61 now. looking at other threads it seems 61.4 can be about a confrontation with one's shadow...retaining hope for the future despite this

"We maintain confidence even when events are discouraging because we understand yin and yang. We know the waxing moon must wane. We know not to take the loss even off of a horse to heart. This is how we remain without fault." - The Living I Ching

 

[redoleander]

what do i need to change to find & keep friends?"
12.4>20

This is in your hands. It is about what you most believe and desire, then committing to it and finding others to align with that goal. This is a positive answer because it means it isn’t akwnfhjnf that just has to happen to you, mostly about your own leadership. Perhaps communicating that you feel distant but also need closeness and want tk bridge the gap, or stating the type of friendships you want to have, asking others to share their needs and so forth

"dear yi, what path can i follow to find a higher purpose outside my own ego?"
51.2>54

Things are changing for you and some of that is jarring, difficult and involved loss. Don’t chase after what you lost or what’s not yours. Trust that what’s yours finds you. Perhaps the chase is part of ego and holding onto a fixed self. Trust that what is yours is coming. Biding your time well in the meantime. Accepting what is right for you may differ from what you initially pictured. You may not need to try so hard. Patience probably needed with this line.

"what can I do to stop hating myself?"
19.5.6 >61

You are and will be learning this. Perhaps this is for you to change, through understanding yourself and taking responsibility for your happiness and life. In the way a great leader would, with kindness and without tyrannical demands on yourself. I think this also means it’s coming, especially 19.5. let the awareness find you. You are up to the task and can see what you need to see. 19 can be like a muse. How do you get the muse to visit? Not with force, but with wisdom, with care. Let the muse just sit and be close to you. Hidden line 60.6. Harsh measures are needed sometimes, so do them then. Not all the time. And when they are the right thing, don’t doubt them. Just set the boundary and keep moving forward. Your own truth is coming to you. Dance with it

"how do I deal with feeling isolated?"
61.2.3.4>13

Accept some aloneness as sometimes others’ presence isn’t aligned for you. Read the small signs. Notice little things you need and give them to yourself. Perhaps there is a safe person to share some of these feelings with? Or to simply say you need some presence and connection from? Choose the connections that feel real and nurturing. Maybe even a mentor/mother figure? Accept some connections will just be wrong or not work. Mourning them, not fighting them. Accepting that hurt also comes with connection. Practicing feeling those things. Letting go what’s not yours. Taking your own road when you need to. Not sacrificing your truth for connection. Letting the non-working options go. A dance between being with your own truth and seeing the beauty in relating to others, relating to them with care. Being your own primary relationship so you can return to yourself always between these interactions with others. Friendship first, perhaps. Prioritizing friendship and connections that are less triggering perhaps.

 

[Trojina]

"what do i need to change to find & keep friends?"
12.4>20
Having a higher purpose.
Without fault,
but it is a category separate from happiness.

This answer isn't telling you how to find and keep friends it's saying there are more important things going on for you. It also says these other things aren't the same as happiness. That's the main message with this answer. It's a great comfort because it removes any pressure for you to make friends as a goal. I can't totally know why Yi is saying this but friends cost a great deal of energy and time and you may have other priorities. So although you want to make and keep friends, you think it will make you happy, Yi says the struggles you are going through have a purpose, there's a mandate in your struggle.

"dear yi, what path can i follow to find a higher purpose outside my own ego?"
51.2>54

The previous answer has already confirmed you are following a purpose, it's called your life, with all the difficulties it entails. It's right there with you now, it's not some far away dream. 51.2 speaks of loss and sadness and tells you not to mind it since whatever you have lost will be returned. So I think this answer is specifically addressing the sadness you feel. It is important to remember however much you feel you're 'doing your life wrong' there is purpose in it. That purpose may be emotional, staying well, negotiating relationships, it's all purpose.


I find this line holds it's promise. Whatever you think you have lost will come back, maybe in a different form or a different way. It's often quite a long term answer so you have to allow things to unfold.

and finally
"what can I do to stop hating myself?"
19.5.6 >61

Change patterns here are 20 and 34. You came to the question with a need for observance. I think you need to welcome yourself (19) to be fully who you are (61) . Do you ever look at a tree and think 'that's all wrong it was made all wrong'? It's the same for you, you aren't wrong to be who you are. Presumably in early life you were given the idea that who you were wasn't okay and so there's a lifetime's work getting to know who you are. Meeting (19) who you are (61). Don't forget though, especially with 19 it may refer for the need for others to help you, like in therapy which I think you said you already had.

It's a lovely answer.

"how do I deal with feeling isolated?"
61.2.3.4>13
maybe about finding a group or someone close to share how i'm feeling?

It's almost like you need to be with yourself, to be alone in order not to feel isolated. That may not make sense. Hmmm You have a number of lines and it looks like in 61.2 yes you can make good connections, in fact you may have connections on a spiritual level that can help you. Other people however throw you around a but too much emotionally, you may lose equilibrium in line 3 and so in line 4 you need to go your own way.

I wonder if intimacy in friendships is a bit too much to ask of yourself in some respects because it's hard for you due to various factors. The 13 makes me think it might be nice to seek a bunch of people, hang out with a group in a more casual way. Or hang out with people wo are meeting to explore similar interests. I wonder if you met through interests outside of yourself or in a wider friendship group or even work group it might be more relaxing for now than one on one.

The 12.4 isn't pushing you to make really good friends, it's more like it's asking you to accept you don't have as many as you'd wish and that's just fine for now.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

thank you redoleander & Trojina for your lovely interpretations & kindness. they go a long way.

hard to put into words. how much I like what you say about the tree, Trojina. often think the most bent and fallen/re-sprouted trees are the most interesting & worth spending time with in the forest! no one faults a tree for having been split by lightning or having to grow around a boulder.

mandate of heaven seems about right. this all related to some heavy astrological transits that are beginning for me this year, the nodes specifically (Scorpio North, Taurus South) life calling, addressing really stagnant & outdated areas of being stuck, to transform completely.

i don't want to be alone through the change (fear) yet what you say, others leading to feeling more alone, it makes so much sense. I grew up with little social training, and feel odd & out of sorts around others, didn't really connect with most friends previous to 'losing' them, not in an intimate way at least.
besides who can really change shapes & maintain intimacy at the same time? it is something you do go through alone, in some capacity.

it gives much relief to consider simple interest based get togethers as enough....giving myself the permission & practicing skills needed to maintain more pleasant surface encounters, or connect on an interest, not personal life story.
i get so much joy from little exchanges with strangers at the grocery store or coffeeshops. its like bobbing to the surface for air and a bit of sunlight, no one needs to know what's going on inside or the whole story. its a good part of being human.

there is a need to relearn intimacy with myself, my creativity as a place for the emotions I don't feel comfortable expressing to others directly because "too intense." finding a solace & sacredness in that space of being with myself where no one else's input is interfering yet, a safety to welcome myself. (19>61)

I know what this is about now and feel more ready to accept the inevitable, thank you.

51.2 as a promise. life has its sacrifices and holding on to the offering only delays the ritual...