29.2.5 to 2

[wind]

Hello all! I hope the New Year has been good to one and all. Sorry for such a long absence- life got in the way.

I've been sort of stuck in the muck and the mire lately and as I tend to do, I have been spinning my wheels.

I have been acutely aware that my family has been distant and awfully criticizing of me and everything I do or say. As most people would, I took a step back and reassessed myself. I mean, if I insist that the sky is green and five people tell I'm wrong and it's blue; I would be at a loss to not consider the sky may not be green. However, I know that my family is very different than me and are extremely negative and self serving. (Ex. My mother will only call to ask a health question and never to see how the kids or I are doing.) It's something that has gained me a family that is not of the same blood- friends that have become more supportive and family-like than those I share a lineage with.

The urge to limit my ties with them has been bubbling up to the surface more than I want to admit. I see that the negativity has even made it so my kids feel slighted and don't wish to visit with them either. It breaks my heart seeing them feel that way, but I know I relate to that feeling they have and I understand it.

After some deep meditating I asked, "What role has my family played in causing misery to me?" I received 29.2.5 - 2

It appears to show where I'm stuck in some bad rut or ditch and that while I have little wiggle room, the fact I'm aware of the cause, no further harm can be done. Hexagram 2 shows that a new potential is there for me and I was indeed lost, but it's ok. I also feel that I can move on without the negative people in my life, as I have a solid foundation of people to go on with (non-blood family).

If I read this correctly, is the Yijing telling me it's perfectly fine to progress without my family and limit contact even further? Believe me, no one in this world wants their family more than I do. It's just become painfully obvious that even when I am not looking for their acceptance, they feel the to let me know I'll never have it anyhow. I'm done chasing coattails in this lifetime.

Please feel free to give your input. I always appreciate what everyone has to say. It's how I learn. Thank you much!

 

[goddessliss]

Hi wind aside from the reading....I had family dynamics towards me the same as yours. After many years of heartache, heartbreak and trying to work out how I could have a loving decent relationship with them I finally said to myself enough is enough and cut all ties with them. I have never looked back and I don't believe my kids missed out either because they're such negative beings. However I've never discouraged or encouraged my kids to have a relationship with them I've left it up to them and answer honestly any questions they've asked. Of course they're adults now and they just say well we didn't really like them when we met them as kids so I can't imagine we'd like them now.

 

[steve]

Hi there
I can relate to what you are feeling, i am an outsider with my family and i dont think that will ever change, i think they have become comfortable with that. Line 2 i believe is advising you and not answering the question directly, you are being advised on not being overwhelmed with it or dont let it consume you, when i think of 29 i think of a dark cave and its like a maze and there is water. Its a dangerous place however 29 seems to offer a way out as opposed to some other lines. So basicaly you cannot change what other people think or how they act you can only change how you percieve life. So if you let people get to you they will if you dont they wont, if you take steps to be happier in general then they would effect you less. Line 5 I think is saying just get out of the situation that state of mind , i think you are are being advised to just get into a better place and you will see things better. If it means distancing yourself because you are happier then do it for a while, dont get me wrong I am just saying do what makes you happy in regards to dealing with your family then you are out of that mental danger of possibly being depressed or whatever else negative thoughts lead too.
2 I believe is you being a sponge to all of this just soaking it up.

Quite possibly your family doesnt think they are making you miserable at all ..lol ... thats prob even worse
However its effecting you.
You should read the book by John Cleese "familys and how to survive them"

Hope i helped
Steve

 

[wind]

Hello and thank you Melissa and Steve.

Melissa, you summed up really how I'm feeling about it overall. I'm at a point where I've just had it. No matter what I talk to my mother and sister about, there is always an element of trying to knock me down a few pegs by taking a cheap shot and creating some sort of flaw in me. Ex. "What's wrong with you?", "You're talking so fast.", "I wish you'd take something . You're being unbearable."

I used to think there was something wrong with me. Sincerely. It has been done so many times in so many ways that my kids finally commented on it as soon as we got to the car. No one else has ever said I speak too fast. In fact, I am often told at work that I am thorough and known for speaking very clearly and calmly to others. It got to a point that my kids even speak up in my defense. I drew the line when in defending me, my kids are treated the same. I will not stand for anyone belittling my kids. I don't have to say anything- They see it and don't want to go there.

I would use basic psychology by ignoring their behavior and as a means to remain respectful. I no longer feel that need to do so.


Steve, you hit the nail on the head. They do not see anything wrong with how they are at all. They are very certain that everything is always my fault and that I am in someway emotionally damaged. I have been told that I am a bad mother, I'm irresponsible, I'm unstable, I'm lazy and I'm impossible to deal with. I have been told I was the child that was supposed to "fix the marriage" and I failed. I have been told "I was on the pill when I got pregnant to you", "A psychic told me your brother was the only child I was supposed to have" and before my divorce was finalized, "You're still married". (Someone should have told him that!) Anyone that knows me even slightly knows none of this is true about me. I know it's not true.

I have known for a long time that it's abuse. I fought back since I was 11. Moved out when I was 15. Pushed myself beyond my limits just to overachieve. I always do the right thing by everyone and for years I'd do it knowing I was hurting myself. I've outgrown the need to prove myself.

Somehow, I just don't feel the need to anymore. Part of it bothers me that my sudden unaccountability for my behavior is lowering myself to their level. It's bothersome. This is why I feel by removing myself from the situation will alleviate those emotions.

The last incident was this Friday night when I stopped by with the kids. Once again I was told I'm high strung, talking too fast and should have done this and that. I went off. Finally. My gripe was not to belittle me and never to do it in front of my children.

I will look for that book Steve!

 

[goddessliss]

One of the problems with toxic relationships is we end up lowering our standards in the hope we can connect because they don't have the courage to take accountability for themselves so they try to drag us down to their level and we unwittingly oblige.

 

[wind]

So true. Especially when we feel the obligation of it being family. I've gone 8 years without speaking to them before... Not afraid to do it again.

 

[steve]

John Cleese the actor you know from a fish called wanda, its been years since i read it but I remember it was quite funny at times.
Its hard I know the feeling its kind of like we want approval or something thats never going to happen. Basically i think its common in familys for someone to be the black sheep then its like they all settle in to a comfort zone, but i cant be bothered making contact, like my dad saying whats your number noboody knows its like i move around so much. I have had the same number for 7 years its a joke also i said add me on skype and he or my sister havent since i moved to the Philippines. I'm happy so who cares So thats what i think the reading is saying basicaly dont buy into it and try and be happy

Steve

 

[diamanda]

Hi wind,

I also grew up with such a family. I haven't read the book that steve mentions, but I'd recommend reading something on toxic families, not on normal families - as this is not normal. I know all the feelings you're describing. Sadly the only way to go seems to be as far away from the toxic family as possible. It's just impossible to have any sort of real relationship with such nasty people, and they only get worse with age.

I'll disagree that they don't realise that their behaviour is bad and making you miserable. I believe they know it very well. This is something even a child can grasp... I'm certain they know. Pretending not to understand is all part of their game.

About your reading, could you please clarify what you mean by the question? Are you asking what was it that they did to cause you misery? You already know that, so you most probably mean something else here.

 

[wind]

What you described, Steve, (looking for acceptance that never comes) I like to call "Beaten Dog Syndrome". The dog that is abused and neglected is usually the best behaved and loyal because it constantly seeks that "Good boy" from its owner. It's a cruel form of forced submission. I guess it's most troublesome for me being I came back home after my divorce with the promise of family support. Before the divorce, they were around and showed up all the time. I don't get that behavior being my parents were divorced. It's not like they have no clue what the kids and I have been through.

Thank you for the reply Diamanda! My question was looking for confirmation of what role my family has played in contributing to this feeling I have had for years. I suppose I really didn't need the Yijing to tell me what I have allowed it make me feel. That would be the reality of the situation. I have let it affect me when I know better.

 

[diamanda]

So well said about the "Beaten Dog Syndrome" wind!

Back to 29.2.5 to 2, and how your family have contributed to how you feel.

29.2 - a dangerous situation where one looks for only small gains/praise.
29.5 - the danger doesn't overfill, doesn't go over the top, then there's respectful control and no blame.
I believe this says that their purpose was to make you compliant (2) by submitting you to constant 'danger' (emotional abuse). They didn't give you much praise, so that you wouldn't have too many demands of them. Also, they didn't overdo it (i.e. they didn't abuse you in a too over-the-top manner) so that you would still respect them and still wouldn't be able to blame them. A subtle game of submission.

From a different perspective, their contribution to how you feel is not insurmountable at all. Your eyes are already open, you already see them for what they are.
So if you don't expect too much from them (29.2), and don't meet with them too much (29.5), you will feel much better (as you already know!).

A friend of a friend (let's call her A) has a toxic grandmother. The grandmother was behaving terribly to A's mother (who was divorced) all her life. In the end the mother couldn't take it any more and cut all ties, completely, with the nasty grandmother. I asked A, so what happened after that, how did your mum cope, and what happened to the grandmother? She said that her mum finally found peace, and from what they hear from the family, the grandmother "has found someone else to torture"..!

 

[wind]

Ha! That's a terrible story, Diamanda! Toxic grannies... Who knew!

Yes, my mother is a bit of a martyr and likes to be catered to. I know much of it has to do with her control issues. There will always be an issue with something just because that element needs to be present for her enjoyment.

A great example is when my dog was nearing the end, although she was in another state with my ex, I decided to soften the blow for the kids by getting them a pet gerbil; shortly followed by another one. We started rescuing abused, homeless and rodents in need of rehab before re-homing. It's been a good learning experience for the three of us and its brought us even closer. My mother and sister now say they don't want to come over because rodents are disgusting and I'm ridiculous for having them. My house is immaculate and you wouldn't even know that I had the animals. It's really no ones business what pets we choose to have or what elements bond us together.

Thank you for your perspective of my reading. It all makes good sense to me.. I'm on the right path of shucking the energy vampires in my life. Lol