44.2.3>12 Housemate is Mean...

[dancing white ferret]

Hello, friends and fellow diviners! Well, it just seems like it is one thing after another here. Hopefully, you can help me figure out what the Yi is telling me here. Here is some background, first, and is a bit long, so my apologies... Well, unbeknownst to me, my housemate had been harboring some negative feelings and unexpressed gripes about me. We share a chore in the house, cleaning the bathroom, but do not have a set schedule or anything. The general understanding has been that I would clean it on the weekends, or near the weekends, and she would clean it during the week. My schedule for my new job is erratic though, so I have been cleaning it on odd days, and skipped scrubbing the tub because I just don't have the proper cleaning supplies for it, and keep forgetting to pick them up. Have been meaning to touch base with here on setting new cleaning days, but things have been a little hectic.

Anyway, my bad for skipping the tub etc. Been doing my best with what I have on hand. My budget and time have been very tight, making investing in bathroom cleaning supplies forgettable. But, overall, the bathroom looks way better than when I moved in. In fact, when I moved in the whole bathroom was gross. I didn't even want to use it, and I had to thourouhgly clean it before I did. I have cleaned things in there that looked like they hadn't been cleaned in ages! The tracks for the shower door were repugnant, and I washed the walls revealing a vibrant color hidden by a film of dirt that had accumulated over who knows how long. Also dusted all the knickknacks and picure frames in there thoroughly, and scrubbed what looked like months worth of soapy film off the shower doors. Put some nice incense and new bathmats in there, and bought a huge package of toilet paper for everyone to use. So, clearly, I have contributed more than a fair share. And, if it looked like that before, why the fuss now?

Anyway, this girl was very aggressive and disrespectful when she approached me about the bathroom. There were a lot of accusations and assumptions, and her tone and attitude really put me off. I felt very hurt by this. Later, she apologized, and I accepted the apology, but, I don't feel the same way about who she is. Feel a little wary, and I feel like I should watch out for problems with her in the future. Have even been thinking about moving, for this, and other reasons.

So, I asked for some insight into the housemate living situation, and I got 44.2.3>12. Aaaaaah! 44! She is evil! I knew it! Sounds like the Yi is saying I should avoid her. That she is an inferior influence, and 12 suggests separating from her as well. Maybe means I should move... Also, there is a get together they are having here this weekend, and have been unsure wether or not I should go. Could the lines be referring to this. I've read line 3 can be read as indecision and line 2 says,

Line 2
‘In this basket there are fish – not a mistake.
Not fruitful to entertain guests.’-Hilary

and here is line 3

Line 3
‘Thighs without flesh,
Moving awkwardly now.
Danger, no great mistake.’

I also read somewhere an interpretation of this line as CYA. Like just take care of your own business, and avoid trouble. Not sure what to make of the fish here, and line 3 is just a guess to it's meaning. Does this reading imply I should skip the party here this weekend, and maybe say something about moving? Would like some insight from experienced IC enthusiasts. Please, help! I do not want to have to deal with more drama around here... Thanks so much to all who reply:bows:
DWF

 

[chingching]

I once moved into a house and found a bed of toe nail clippings on the window sill, a gift left by the last housemate. I spent three days cleaning and sage sticking that room but I moved out two weeks later for other reasons.

One share house I lived in I would stay back at work because I didn't want to go home, and each night as I approached my street I would walk slower and slower towards the front door, the housemate I had in that place used to brag how she hadn't spoken to her sister in 10 years for a reason she had forgotten about.

I dunno, its a unnatural state but it can be really fun. 44 > 12 what a combo, both hexes describe a situation where you can't take much action, either you are yelling into the wind and noone can hear you or small people are in charge. From experience, you either let it roll over you like water off a duck's back or go find a new house, we just had a aries new moon, a new start fits well. I've lived in 11 different share houses all up and I have interesting stories from all of them, (and I've been the baddy in some cases, really its just a fear that everyone is trying to walk over you so you react with aggression as a means for self-preservation). The thought of moving is more stressful than the reality, but if you want to stay, just take her aside and speak to her alone or maybe just listen, it will surprise you how much more powerful that is than her tactics, and even if she's too much of a nut to relax in the face of compassion she'll respect you for it.

edited to add: I didn't read your post properly sorry I think maybe she is 44, and it isn't about her being evil, she did apologise, which sounds like a 44 situation at line 3, she's the one moving with skinless thighs. I'm a believer in if you accept someone's apology you really accept it at all levels, not just on a keep the peace level. 12 is a disconnect like two people of different cultures getting offend because one happens to be doing the most offensive thing. Like in some cultures showing the sole of you shoe is deeply rude, how would you know that if you didnt know that? its cultural not human.

editing again, i accidently pressed save i wasnt finished, the disconnect being different to 38 in that in 38 you know what the other person sees differently in 12 you often have no idea what the disconnect was. hilary wrote a good post on thAT IN A 12 THREAD SOMEWHERE

 

[chingching]

oh line 2 - there is something useful there but you cant use it edited to add, or its best kept to yourself (this just made me think of my friend who in one house always kept her vodka in her bedroom otherwise if she left it in the kitchen her flakey hippy housemate would drink it all)
3 - you had the skin ripped off your thigh and you move awkwardly, that's how I'd feel in your shoes.

you can move, but there is danger but no great mistake. Its just one of those situations.

 

[dancing white ferret]

Oops, double post...

 

[dancing white ferret]

Thank you, Ching Ching! I appreciate your insights on this. Sounds like you've been there times ten! You mention a cultural disconnect here... Funny thing is she is actually South American, and her first language is Spanish. So I wonder if there is a little bit of a cultural/language barrier here. There have been a number of times where I think she has misunderstood my meaning in conversation, and who knows, maybe part of the reason we are having these problems is cultural differences. Last night she also spoke with some of the other housemates about some other things that bother her I'm maybe moving this spring. Doesn't sound tremendously stressful. I'm going to start looking at some other places. I could find one about the same cost, and have my own place, so it is not so much that I can't just let this roll off as it is I can find a place for the same cost where I don't need to let anything roll off. It would just be mine. I really just want some peace right now in my life, and the last thing I need when I get home is a personal attack. Now that it is the next day, I realize just how much this bothers me. And it is not the first time this has happened. It is like the third such incident with someone here! I've only been here 2 months... Have been other unpleasant and poorly handled incidents. So, moving is a distinct possibility. At first I kind of liked the idea of having housemates, and all in all, they are alright people. Would even be friends with them, but I'm just not digging the insults and accusations that apparently come along with house sharing. And as far as the apology goes, it is not really an issue of what level I accept the apology at, because there is only one level here anyway. Superficial! I won't hold a grudge, our relationship is just housemates really, so it's not like a big emotional challenge for me here to accept an apology from someone who is, in actuality, nothing to me. I've only known this person for 2 months, and now that I know them a little better, well, I simply don't see us getting along well. So, I see this incident more as a door being closed than anything else. As always, your perspective has been extremely helpful, Ching Ching, and I really appreciate you taking the time to share. I think you really nailed it with the culture clash scenario here!
Thanks again:bows:.

 

[chingching]

you might find living alone the better thing for you right now, maybe the clash is just the right kind of motivation to get you moving. Apparently, according to Steven Fry, when we are angry and busting to go to the loo are the times when we make our best decisions. So if the anger isn't quite enough to get you moving then also drink lots of water.

 

[pocossin]

Ferret, let me give you my take on the situation. Your roommate is Hispanic. Female Hispanics often begin life in American as domestic help, i.e, persons who clean the bathroom. She was cleaning the bathroom five days a week, and when you did not do your share, she felt that you considered her to be no more than domestic help, thus her rage. You really aren't the target. It's the system that disrespects Hispanics that she was responding to. The reality of the situation is that because of their superior work ethic, Hispanics quickly work themselves into better, higher-paying positions. She probably wants no more than for you to treat her as an equal and might prove to be a very good friend.

About scrubbing the tub, probably it could be sprayed with cheap shower cleaner, rubbed with a mop, and rinsed, and would be perfectly clean.

 

[meganj]

@Poccosin: a mop? really? tehe xP

 

[dancing white ferret]

Thanks, Ching Ching! I am seeing this as a motivator to get my own place. Funny you mention the loo, because we have 4 of us to the one bathroom, and when I'm rushing to get there, only to find it occupied, is the time I feel like moving the most! Can't move any time soon though. But, maybe, if I can by June. Otherwise, will wait til Sept/Oct.

 

[dancing white ferret]

Thanks, Pocossin! There is definitely something to what you are saying. In general, she has become defensive often in relation to her ethnicity, and other things. Somehow, she manages to bring it up in conversations that have nothing to do with it, defending herself against imagined judgements.

As far as the bathroom goes, I just assumed it was not a priority to them to have the tub pristine since the the bathroom was such a pit when I moved in. She had been the one "maintaining" it that way. I did spray it with some cleaner and tried sponging it, but to no avail. It helped a bit, but didn't really get it super clean. (I'm kind of sensitive to cleaners, so I usually use natural cleaners, which are a bit expensive, and sometimes not as effective). So, surprisingly she has not been cleaning it 5 days a week. Or any days perhaps! I know! I was shocked when I moved in and saw this bathroom! I couldn't believe it! Most of my Hispanic friends have been very fastidious, and have a phenomenal work ethic, as well, Pocossin, so your take is the right one. Is just a weird situation I think. The only thing I can think is perhaps this was an exception to the rule. Maybe I moved in on an off month for her. It could be...

Nevertheless, she is indeed reacting to the system that disrespects Hispanics! I have treated her very nicely though, and certainly as an equal. I've asked her to go biking with me 3 times, and shopping once, and gave her some herbal medicine that works great for me when she was sick last month. If she can not see that I am treating her like an equal, then she is a fool. I've clearly made an effort to go beyond treating her as an equal, and even be a friend to her, only to be met with this exaggerated reaction, and a lot of refusals for company. She has apologized a second time, and pointed out that she recognizes how nice I have been to her. So, she does truly regret this incident, and I can forgive that and still be friendly with her as we were before, but I don't think we would be good friends now. And that may be the healthiest move here.

For me, this sounds like the same song and dance I've dealt with so many times with females. And the truth is, I don't have many female friends. I have generally not had great experiences with women in my life, and have been left very disappointed by many female friends. I am usually very hesitant to initiate friendships with any. Since college really. In fact, as of right now, I would say I have 0 close female friends that live on this coast. And, with the ocassional exception, I have mostly regretted letting them into my life. I've dealt with a lot of jealous and malicious women, some of them experts in relational aggression! But, I have always had that one close female friend, but since I've moved I haven't been able to find Mrs. Right. Maybe Precision Grace is willing to move to the Pacific Northwest...

In contrast to men, whom I have had many good experiences to go along with the bad, with women, the experiences have been greatly weighted on the negative side. I have an easier time communicating with men generally. And, I can not recall one friendship I have had with a male that I look back on with any regrets, negativity, or disappointments. The women I do get along well with have more "masculine" personalities usually.

It has become impossible to have many friends as I've gotten older because few men truly just want to be friends, and apparently this rule becomes more pronounced in the late 20's early 30's. Attached men can't hang out without their lady getting all jealous, and the single ones don't want to just "hang out." So, I'm stuck giving girls a go. Seriously though, it would be healthier and make a lot more sense to have some positive females in my life. I'm not sure how practical the lone wolf thing is anymore. But, it is very hard for me to trust women, and I have been trying to open up a little more, and let some sisters in my life, and so far both women I have tried to initiate friendships with in the past half a year have had outbursts with me within a short time. There was one other girl I like hanging with, very masculine personality, but as much as we get along well, and she is great to talk with, she has kids and is busy. And, does not have similar interests with me. And, always wants to go drinking, and I don't drink... So, the search for the Mrs. Right continues

I think her character is just too emotional for me to tolerate, and I see now that she may fall into the pattern I've had with female characters in my life:demon:. Perhaps that is what the 44 refers to here... Is that possible? Anyway, it would be very challenging for me to take this step again with the same person. I will not form any judgements about her, and she seems alright as a casual acquaintace. (I was of course being facetious when I said she was evil). She seems quite bright, and is really a good conversationalist, which was why I asked her to come out with me. But, I'm actually very sensitive, and need people in my life who can recognize that, and who are very stable and patient and empathetic.

So, hindsight is 20 20, and now that some time has passed, I can see that she may have potential to be a good friend, but I don't know if I am in a position myself to deal with the emotionality that comes with it. We live together, so if we are meant to be friends, we will be. I will just try to keep an open mind. Thanks for your insight, Pocossin:bows:

 

[pocossin]

@Poccosin: a mop? really? tehe xP

Yes, Ferret doesn't have cleaning supplies, and her budget is tight. Possibly there's a self-wringing mop on hand, and cheap shower cleaner with a surfactant -- $1 for a spray bottle here -- should dissolve the soap scum that accumulates in the tub. A long-handled mop would let the tub be cleaned without the stoop labor that makes cleaning a tub so unpleasant.

 

[dancing white ferret]

I actually think this is a great idea, budget aside... I hate bending over to scrub the tub. I have some stuff around that I think will work better as a surfucant. Actually, I know it will. It is a little expensive though, so I was hoping to continue reserving its use for only small tough jobs. But with conflict over the bathroom, I think I will bring it into play. That should shut everyone up.

 

[dancing white ferret]

And, I think I was onto something with skipping the party. I showed up a bit later just to make an appearance, and headed to the kitchen to make tea. There were 2 small groups having conversations. One was a 2 person conversation, and the individuals were pretty deep in it. The other small group was this girl, her husband, and a friend of one of my other roommates whose first language is Spanish. They were in the kitchen, and began a long conversation in Spanish, which they rudely continued for over 20 minutes right in front of me while I waited for my tea water to boil. How unbelievably rude! They all speak English, so why have a conversation in Spanish when there is someone standing right there who does not speak it? When I first came downstairs, everyone was speaking English. I don't think they were excluding me intentionally, but I guess it is possible. Either way, if there is one thing that does not sit well with me, it is unwelcoming behavior, behavior that excludes another. A pet peeve of mine. I make it a point to be welcoming to others in my speech, body language, etc. Sometimes very subtle things we do can be perceived as unwelcoming, so I always go to the opposite extreme when there is a risk of someone feeling awkward or excluded. I try to position myself at eye level, make a comfy seat available for them with the group, and make a point to actively include everyone at group gatherings, paying more attention to anyone new to the group, especially shy newbies. Some people... Well, perhaps this new gentleman was not fluent in English. I only heard a small part of his conversation with them, so I gave them the benefit of the doubt in my mind. Luckily I was able to break into the other conversation, and ended up having a nice talk with someone. The Spanish man joined in our conversation in English an hour later, erasing any doubts I had about his fluency in English. Yep, they're really that rude... No harm done really, but has left me with a vague misanthropic feeling, but also feeling nostalgic for the lovely people I grew up around back east. I am grateful that at least I had the good fortune to grow up around such nice people. My family and families I grew up with never behaved this way, and never would! I always thought that was the norm, but have come to see over the years how oblivious some people are...

 

[meganj]

Use baking soda and a plastic scrubby from the dollar store.. idk about you but that is the best place to go for cleaning stuf.. they even have like microfibre cloths (for surfaces), you could get everything u need for under $4.00

 

[dancing white ferret]

Good idea! I love those microfiber cloths!
Thanks Meganj:bows:

 

[meganj]

Nooo prob lol I love the dollarstore. I have to live cheaply being a student and all.. oohh they also have food! certain things you might wanna pass up but stuff like spices and canned food, noodles chips. id get from there. I bought chocolate cap'n crunch.. dont buy cereal it sucks. So ya they have loads of good kitchen and bathroom things.. plastic containers and bottles, ohh yeah shampoos and idk youll see spend some time there, ull definitately find things u need.

 

[precision grace]

dwf, sweetie, you can't have such high expectations of people!! for example, my Very Close friend is French. when she and another French friend are around, they almost always end up talking French, even if there is nobody else except me around. Even when I interrupt them to tell them they are being rude, they just laugh and continue as before and then eventually switch over to English. I am personally like you and always make sure I am not excluding anyone, but most people are extremely comfortable being selfish and excluding whomever they chose. You just have to learn to live with it..
Equally, my Japanese friend will speak Japanese with her Japanese friends who have excellent command of English. Although Japanese are painfully polite and if you hover, they will feel pressured to switch to English, but then that makes me feel rude for making them change what they were comfortable doing, so I avoid doing that.

 

[dancing white ferret]

Words of wisdom, Precision Grace... You are quite wise, especially considering your young age. Yes, it is that darn Cancer Rising. Dampens all my Leonine fire. I'm just too sensitive. But, doesn't bother me much either when friends do this. But, I'm not really friends with this person, and considering the recent argument, well... you see my point. And, they asked me to come. What for?... All I can think of doing in that situation is to go run and hide in my warm and cozy crab shell. So I ventured out of the warm shell, just to feel the cold cruel blow of indifference. Back to the shell I go... But, I will try not to let it bother me so much. Thanks, PG:bows:

 

[precision grace]

heh, when attending parties I always wear my full crab protective clothing Nobody ever gets to see me out of my shell, heck, I don't get to see me out of my shell haha

Don't let it bother you, just try to get along as best you can, they don't have to be your best friends ever, they just need to be not your enemies ..


Edit: my young age? Why thank you. Although this wisdom has been well earned. Over four decades of learning..

 

[dancing white ferret]

Oh, well that explains a lot. I thought you were just an extremely wise 25 year old. Hmmm... thought I read on another thread you were somewhere in that age range. Guess not. Whatever, you give good advice.

Thanks, again:bows:

 

[precision grace]

it's ok, I am just very immature for my age

 

[dancing white ferret]

No, PG, you are not immature. You have a youthful joie de voire that is lacking in so many, and it does give you a 20something vibe. It is a good thing...

More problems with this girl... I offered to solely take on the bathroom cleaning responsibility, and said she could maybe take on a different chore like helping the other 2 housemates in the kitchen. I said, think about what you want to do and we can talk about it at the next house meeting. It just doesn't seem like we need 2 people cleaning the bathroom. She got a snotty attitude with me, and we had another argument. I don't know why she dislikes me so much. I've been very nice to her. I suspect, and have suspected jealousy from day 1... I asked an intuitive reader I am friendly with, and they confirmed, yes, she is a little jealous...

"What did I do wrong here?" 54.5>58

That makes sense... She just got married, and she lives here with her husband. I don't think she likes sharing her living space with a girl who she feels outshines her in some respects. I can be kind of shiny. She is very attractive, but maybe her husband has been checking me out and she noticed it or something. I think I caught him do the quick glance thing a couple of times when I was dressed in some flattering clothing. Well, I can't say I blame her, but she has really shouldn't read into it. I think a lot of guys don't even realize they are doing that... It really isn't an ideal living situation for a newly wed couple though, and I suppose it is different if you are living with the girl you feel this way about. Anyway, her man was cool with me a couple days after the 2nd argument, and now is just ignoring me. He was talking to me the one night, being very nice, and she was across the room looking all green and red... Maybe she told him he can't talk to me or something.

"What should I do about this situation?" 22.6>36

I'm reading this as don't show off. Easier said than done... I am who I am. JK... Honestly, I usually look like crap. So, I'm "toning it down" when I'm home. I didn't think that was even possible. I don't get dolled up usually, but I'm reading this as baggy clothing. Whatever...

They are moving out soon anyway... Yeyompom::claps:



I think I am reading this right, but figured I would share it anyway. Might be helpful for someone else, and if anyone has some input that is of course welcome as well.

 

[ginnie]

Sounds like you're in a highly sensitive and sensitized state -- so again I'll suggest the Bach Flower Remedies. As a certified practitioner, you'll surely be able to put a good combination together.

 

[dancing white ferret]

I don't think I have a practitioner certification... It's a level 1 certification. So, I think I would have to do part 2 to be certified as a practitioner. Anyway, I think you hit the nail on the head there with Holly... I feel more angry than weepy. Good ol Holly, the first single essence I ever used. I'll let you know which ones come up on the test...
Thanks again, Ginnie

 

[dancing white ferret]

Woohooompom:!!! Finally, this psycho moved out... It was just one problem after another with this girl. By the end of her stay here, she was trying to have me booted out of the house, and did a good job contorting the truth about what really happened in our last argument to the other housemates, even the ones she was herself badmouthing not too long ago, making me out to look like the bad guy. And what a bunch of suckers! Even the ones she talks crap about behind there back, saying they think they are "too good," came rushing to her defense. She said I just started yelling at her... She was actually the aggressor!!! Reacted very aggressively to my approach about house chores... Got up in my face and was smiling and nodding her head about what I was saying in a very sarcastic way... I don't know why. And continued to invade my space until her move, making a point to get as close as possible to me any chance she could in an attempt to be intimidating and make me uncomfortable. It worked... I found myself hiding out in my room looking forward to her move. And without my housemates support, not much I really could do but keep the phone number for the local police handy, just in case she stepped out of bounds. I don't think 12 here was referring so much to Latino vs. White. I think it was a reference to what an idiot she is, and that my attempt to communicate would be lost on her.

A lot of drama here... Glad she is gone, and even more glad I don't have to hear her pathetic performance faking it 3 times a week for her husband, which was originally amusing, then comical, but finally just as predictable and boring as any bad performance. Just an irritating background noise to the latest episode of Grimm. Damn these thin walls! I really like the new housemates though that have taken her old room. And since she has moved everything here is great, and the other housemates seem to have warmed up to me now, so I don't feel like I urgently need to move.

This casting has certainly given me some perspective on 44. Doesn't seem to ever bode well for me, and it's the second time it has come up for me in relation to an agressive woman causing me problems. So, I guess sometimes it really is a strong, but kind of crazy woman, who will be a real pain in the butt. But, looking back, will just be a good laugh for me...
Thanks to all who replied:bows: