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5, 51.6, 57.5 for unfinished business and apathy

kestrelw1ngs

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Hello again!

A serious and sober astrological transit just began for me that will last for at least a year and already it is at work.
I am seeking intensive treatment for my mood disorder and well....I'll be honest, not trying /that hard/ to get my life together as.far as work and housing. Coming out of depression in baby steps.

It is exhausting living with this illness and being constantly triggered. One day everything will feel wonderful and like it will all work out. Next day for whatever reason, a slight difference in sleep quality, meds, or an interpersonal slight, I wake to complete emptiness and demotivation. Granted I am not in the best situation of living still. Just hard to see the way out. I've been keeping my head down.

I'll be receiving a solid lump payment in the next month, one of my jobs is ending and the other I've decided to quit. Its the perfect time to make a big leap, move out, but I haven't been preparing. There are so many unfinished projects in this house. I'll feel okay when out and about but as soon as im back here with all the reminders of lost love, unfinished business and the enormous task of detangling my 'stuff,' I spiral (another symptom of my disorder is accumulating new hobbies and ideas only to abandon them soon as after, partners and past roommates have complained about me leaving unfinished projects about for months). My grandmothers' various hoarding habits begin to make a little too much sense!

Every thing is painful to address. Its not the projects but what they represent, failure, inability, isolation, a failed attempt to connect or make money or find direction.

Part of me still wants to live in illusion, where its fine, I can still cook and start new projects and hang out with friends and it will all turn out okay.....another part of me shuts down this urge to build everyday habits, make food, work on hobbies or connect, due to still being here in this emotionally distant and sad situation. I am emotionally unavailable, and need to find discipline and make choices, avoid false hopes and extract myself.

I finally found a city and direction to move towards, Yi has given me two very good readings.

But now that the decision is made, my mind wants to sabotage. I keep waking up thinking "why do anything? why live? what is the point of my life?" And meds stabilize me but don't address the root issue.

I am seeking more intensive therapy, aware of the habits that need most to change, but even that feels wrong like I should just be LEAVING not trying to fix myself here. I'll want to start a good habit like exercise and its "ah whats the point" because of how often my ex and I tried to establish good habits together and failed to follow through or petty fighting got in the way.

When I ask the Yi "what is the source of this apathy?"
I received 5 uc.

I asked "What is the point of staying alive? Whats the point of my life?"

It answered 51.6>21

So...5 uc, the waiting and dallying is leading to angst, or everyday life feels pointless. 51.6 upset me for a minute thinking its saying my life is merely meant to be a warning for others to learn from...
but after calming down, I'd take it more as, dramatic questions like this are coming from a bad circumstance.

So I asked a more practical question:
"How to approach my unfinished projects?"

57.5>18

Being in the middle of an important process, shifting to seeing what I learned from them rather than having a completion mindset? Or going back and facing the emotion in each one that led me to abandon it.

Any other interpretations? I do feel significantly changes internally. Less avoidance, blaming and projecting or meddling about in others problems as much, less comparing. Not seeking to be healed externally through meds and therapy alone or making so many excuses.

But now I am facing (21) the neglect and internal corruption (18) and the long path towards wellbeing, and it exhausts me.

57.5 seems pretty positive but that this process will have to be reflective, and patient.

Any other interpretations? Or hidden warnings or clarity in the nuances of 57.5?

Many thanks!
 

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