53.2.3.4 art journals and emotional baggage

[kestrelw1ngs]

Hello dear forum people,

After so much to-do, my cat and I are finally launching out of the long expired absuive housing situation! Today is the final day of moving, a relief and already the future though uncertain seems sweeter.

Having to pack an excess of material possessions has had me questioning the virtues of hedonism and contemplating the benefits of a monastic vow of poverty!
To be serious, moving into a small borrowed space, I am now facing up to the task of sorting thru and downsizing a great deal so as to fit the excess into storage. Having so much Stuff and having to dedicate energy to maintaining and storing it fills me with grump, as I would prefer to share the responsibility of possession communally and spend much more time and energy on community involvements, classes, people, experiences. Moving from a self absorbed Having mentality into a Being mentality.

Marie Kondo has been advised...im already very familiar with her method and have used it before. What blocks the sorting process is mostly an emotional one, after some meditation it became pretty obvious.

I hold onto clothes, crafting equipment and old journals letters and art because of feeling beholden to either a past self's desire to be seen and valued (10 year old me's diaries), a loyalty to a friend or guilt over a lost relationship or fear of loss (every card my grandmother has ever sent), craft supplies because "i WILL learn this skill someday" or to clothes because there are so many aspects of persona expressed in the various wardrobes I've collected over the years.

Not to say I can't part with /anything/. And if I were stable and able to make better money, afford a real home, perhaps it wouldn't be such an issue but....there are some real.emotional issues around avoidance and scarcity coming up. I don't wish to end up a hoarder like some of my family members, drowning in extra Stuff. nor do I really feel possible to be a minimalist ascetic.

All of this can be sorted in therapy of course but what I asked Yi was about the extreme anger, self loathing and pain I feel about the old art and journals I keep. For much of my life I have been severely mentally unwell, unable to finish any art pieces, sprawling thoughts, and its all such a mess. It would be so nice to just burn or throw out some of the irritating flotsam, but sentiment gets in the way.

I asked Yi


"Why do I feel such anger and attachment over my journals and art?"

53.2.3.4>6

These geese advancing to the cliffs, the plateau, the trees....what do they typically represent?

53.3 has come up often lately when asking about lost items or hard situations and I take it to mean to be careful even in times of crisis not to fall into bad habits.

My best interpretation here is that Yi is pointing to a feeling of wasted potential? And an inner conflict over what to prioritize?

Any thoughts would be most welcome!

 

[Liselle]

Very superficially - because you feel a lot of (hexagram 6) about your very slow, seemingly non-existent progress in life (53). 53 is not stopped, but it's so slow it can feel that way. Remember that the geese have a destination in mind, and they make progress towards it.

That might address the anger. The simultaneous attachment part I have a harder time seeing in the reading.

Um......speculation.......maybe because 53 really wants to take root and find a home? So do you, it sounds like. As you said, if you had that, throwing things away wouldn't be an issue.

(Maybe also because it seems perfectly natural to me to be attached to things you've made. Someday you might finish them. Or use them as inspiration for new art. If you throw them away, you won't have those options.)

Not directly from the reading, but I really hope...how to put this...you seem to be worried you might be a hoarder because you don't want to throw almost everything away and be an ascetic. Please try not to feel like that. Those are two extremes. There is a vast middle ground of normalcy. If Marie Kondo makes you feel like you have a psychological problem because it's hard for you to throw your art away (for heaven's sake), maybe what you should throw away is the Marie Kondo book.

Also not from the reading: maybe consider putting everything you're not sure about, like your art, in your storage space? Keep your options open as much as possible.

I'm not sure any of this quite addresses your question. But I don't have any more ideas about the reading right now.

If you haven't seen Hilary's videos about 53, now might be a splendid time. It's where I got the "taking root" idea.

 

[Trojina]

Marie Kondo has been advised...im already very familiar with her method and have used it before. What blocks the sorting process is mostly an emotional one, after some meditation it became pretty obvious.

She's not right about everything. Okay she did revolutionise some of my drawers but she has a 30 book rule doesn't she? I don't think 30 books is usual for most people....or maybe she said she was happy with 30.

All of this can be sorted in therapy of course but what I asked Yi was about the extreme anger, self loathing and pain I feel about the old art and journals I keep. For much of my life I have been severely mentally unwell, unable to finish any art pieces, sprawling thoughts, and its all such a mess. It would be so nice to just burn or throw out some of the irritating flotsam, but sentiment gets in the way.

I asked Yi


"Why do I feel such anger and attachment over my journals and art?"

53.2.3.4>6

I'm not clear on your meaning, do you mean you feel self loathing at getting rid of them or keeping them?

I don't like the look of 53.3 and giving things away/burning them I really don't.

Look at the line

'The wild geese gradually advance to the high plateau.
The husband marches out and does not return;
The wife is pregnant, but does not raise the child;
Pitfall.
Harvest in resisting outlaws.'

Are you the wife? Is the pregnancy your art and journals? Are you about to abandon them both like the husband who walks out on his wife and baby? Sorry this sounds a bit like one of those melodramatic talk shows

I think 53 here is about your own gradual development. If you haven't finished some art and your journals are piling up ...well who knows what the process is worth? And I use the word 'worth' because the problem in line 3 is these people aren't looking after the things they ought to,, the worth of what they have is not valued and so outlaws arrive. So in your case, let's reduce the drama of the line - you are not so bad as those people who do not know what to take care of......but don't abandon what is still growing in you. Looking at the other lines

Line 2

'Wild geese gradually advance to the rock.
Drinking and eating, feasting and feasting.
Good fortune.'

Taking a rest and enjoying the good things


Line 4
'Wild geese gradually advance to the trees.
Maybe find a flat branch.
No mistake.'

Finding refuge somewhere that feels a bit awkward.


So 53.2.3.4>6 change patterns 32 and 42 Continuity and Increase. Nothing very lucid to say about these here but I like to note them. What's the tension beneath the question, why are 32 and 42 complements/opposites? I just get the sense of the daily round of effort/routine being a kind of receptacle for growth(42).

Then of course 53 generally.....it doesn't do anything in a hurry. A work started in 2005 might get completed or developed on in 2025. And you're fighting this perhaps (6)


Of course you will have to streamline and decide what to get rid of etc but it might be an idea to delay some decisions, maybe there's not so much rush about it as you think. You may for example move into somewhere bigger (53.4 doesn't look that permanent) and then wish you'd kept some stuff.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you both for your kind and illuminating answers, I will come back to respond more in depth after the move in is completed and watching Hilary's videos.

As for now, I ended up doing exactly as Liselle suggested and putting them all in storage which is a relief. To answer your question Trojina, the self loathing is in response to keeping them, the attachment in response to the idea of throwing them out.

I suspect some complex beliefs in play through generations...grandmother being a hoarder, mother used to throw out all my things and fuss about us having too much "junk," etc. generations of parents choosing financial stability or children over artistic "career"... a long family dialectic. 53 might be even slower than one lifetime.

But yes 53 and the motif of pregnancy have often come up around this...emotional thing? Perhaps one might call it a dream. Of both having a home and kind, intelligent people around, and artwork....its all bound up together. Maybe the dream of a bohemian artistic lifestyle and community which feels so lacking in my current place/city/circle. And which was a shared dream with the ex who I am moving on from. Maybe its a don't throw the baby (dream and notebooks) out with the bathwater (everything else that's been lost) sort of thing.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

maybe relevant, looking at my casting journal, when I asked a few days ago
"Do I have what it takes to be an artist?"
10 uc

 

[Liselle]

I suspect some complex beliefs in play through generations...grandmother being a hoarder, mother used to throw out all my things and fuss about us having too much "junk," etc.

Your mother may have over-reacted to her mother, and now you get to react to it again. Lucky you (not really), but maybe you'll be the one to find a happy medium.

That all reminded me a lot of 18, inherited patterns, old "ghosts" and the like. And interestingly, 53 is 18 with the trigrams switched around.


53.........18

No idea what to make of this sort of thing, except maybe a hint from Yi that what you noticed is real, and important.

Maybe its a don't throw the baby (dream and notebooks) out with the bathwater (everything else that's been lost) sort of thing.

I like that.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Watched Hilary's videos. Love "imagery cake."
Yes, this feels very much about home.

Interesting about 18. Once in the relationship that just ended, while we were doing counseling, I had a dream about a home with rotten foundations, termites, horror movie kind of basement, and being locked out of a house. Around that time I was getting plenty of 18 readings.

Build your house upon sand and it will not stand for long...

When Hilary mentions a tree that slowly creates a stable environment for all the creatures around it, that struck a chord. A home, a stable environment, a resting place in which to grow. Some trees are very slow but some years grow in leaps and bounds. Depends on the weather and fires and nutrients and such....but cutting down and trampling a slow growing sprout bc you're frustrated with it won't make it grow faster. Yelling at the geese won't change the fact they need to stop and rest along their journey.

I've heard from forestry types that, since trees help one another access nutrients and such, there are some trees that never fully mature and wean off the support. They're sort of "parasitic" or permanently dependent.
I wonder if labeling them such is just human judgment though. Takes all kinds to make a forest (now im just riffing).

Anyways a tree can make a home just about anywhere it can root. Even if its fallen over.

I think Trojina your instincts are right that sorting may be good, but burning and throwing away might not be right. Sometimes it takes a fire to crack open the seeds, but not too hot or damaging.

Somehow the image of the tree on the mountain is opening up into a vision of a whole forest and the processes of maintaining it for example in Ingenious traditions versus industrial forest management.

Outside-in profit minded management looks quickly, sees broken fallen trees and and small trees as well as big ones and thinks, well these are useless. We can scrap all that and just plant a bunch of good timber. Fires are bad, clear cutting is fine, etc. Then there is the reactionary guilt movement of "don't touch the forest! Save everything and leave it be!"

Whereas inside-out forest tending sees human touch as part of the process. It takes time and does not overlook the small details of the natural processes. What is small will one day become big perhaps, or fodder for mushrooms and other creatures.
Everything has a part even if it is to be destroyed. Fire can be used to improve forest health.
(Look up the old Karok grannies being chased by Forest Service to be arrested for arson for doing maintainence fires).

Thank you for helping me meditate on this hex.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

One further thing:

In a bad moment I asked "what is the source of this dark heavy restriction in me?" (I often feel like I can't just have fun or relax or do anything I want to do, or should do, art or otherwise
..just lying there paralyzed bc every choice feels so wrong)

35.1.2.3.4>26

35.4 with the Five Skills rodent stuck out in the reading. In this thread a few things LiSe posted struck me:

All things are complete in Dao, Zhuangzi (13:6)

Dao is not exhausted in the great
Nor is it lacking in the small
Thus all things are complete in it.
So vast, so expansive
There is nothing it does not contain.
So deep, so profound
How could it be fathomed?
Good will and morality
Are mere trifles to the spirit
Yet who but the perfected man could know this?

(not sure about the number of the verse. I found it as a quote, but could not find it back in Zhuang Zi)

Here no danger, like in 35.4.
The way to go on and on, in spite of all those drawbacks, is to be true to yourself, and to everyone, everything, you encounter. Like growing plants, they can overcome most obstacles by relentlessly going on being themselves, sending a tiny root through a tiny crack, growing around a stone, simply going on and not letting anything stop them.

 

[Liselle]

35 to 26 sounds to me like this is about something longer-term. 26 is about not eating at home, crossing a river. Hilary explains the farming/taming activities are not really the entire goal, they're in support of something else. Let's let her explain it with these search results

Search for "Hexagram 26"

...life can be translucent

www.onlineclarity.co.uk

(From the search page here: https://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/site-search/#gsc.tab=0 )

35 is more like, "I've been given gifts, how can I capitalize fully on them right now?" Sometimes that's a really good idea, but not in a 26 setting.

The lines sound like that to me, too. 35.1 and 35.2: it's worth your while to put up with all this horribleness. (Personal experience especially with line 2 says pay attention to that.) 35.4 says you really don't want to prosper only in a short-sighted, immediate way. Then 35.3 sneaks in with some really good news: 'All have confidence. Regrets vanish.' That seems to modify the tone of the other three.

And in fact looking at some line groupings and steps of change seems to bear that out. The put-up-with-it lines combined (1, 2, and 4) change to hexagram 41, decrease, sacrifice, loss. There's a lot of that in the reading - it's your predominant experience right now.

35.3's step of change is 56. I think that also reflects how you feel, like a stranger in the world (or something like that, a visitor/traveller/whatever word). But 56 is the context, how it feels. 35.3 is the objective reality, or can be (I think, anyway), once you're done putting up with stuff and not eating every seed and breeding every horse right now.

This reading also seems to show off several sides of the relating hexagram / zhi gua / steps of change, I think. Overall it seems to me 26 could be the future in this one. (Usually it's a good idea not to look at it like that, so of course I could be all wrong.) The other mini-relating-hexagrams, the steps of change, seem more like the usual "how it feels" context and background.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you Liselle for the hopeful words.

Astrologically it is a reversed nodes/progressed moon transit year which are notoriously hard, and weighted in my chart with lots of planets.
The 27 club, anyone? ☠

So as an astrology geek, I'm gonna adopt your interpretation and hold on to the 35.3 line as a beacon of light for the future.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

56...yes yes I've gotten lots of that lately too.. especially the burning down his guest home line as a warning. Some times are just like this I suppose.

As Calvin and Hobbs comic strip dad would say "it builds character!"