54.4>19 and 2.4>16

[firehorse]

I need some help here...a situation where I am just stumped. My middle child "T", age 13 (almost 14), will not come to my house. she stays with her father. We have not had a fight, there has been nothing strained between us that I know. Background is that she, as a younger child, has had many medical issues due to being premature. I have always been the one to take her to appts., stay with her in the hospital, the one that would run to school to pick her up if there was a problem, etc...you get the idea. Her father and I divorced 5 years ago.

She doesn't seem interested in seeing her younger (baby) sister, whom I know she adores, or hanging out with her older sister, whom, incidentally, came to live with me exclusively shortly after her father and I separated because of the constant fighting. Is this paybacks? She was pretty upset when her older sister would not see her dad...it seemed to have hurt her too.

I asked, "what do I need to know about T? 54.4>19

What do I need to do about T? 2.4>16

This just started this past spring, and I have been trying to let her do what she wants. Although she appears to be a normal child, I see that her issues and surgeries (largely neurological) might have affected her thought process, which makes me feel that I need to keep an even closer eye on her (I'm the medical person whereas her father is, and admits to being, terrified of her condition, even to this day.) I've talked to him, he sort of threw the older daughter thing in my face, but denied that T had discussed anything with him (he's also not very approachable as far as having crucial conversations - part of our problem). T is also very poor at verbalizing her thoughts/needs/feelings. It's always been a guessing game.

Any insights? I think I'm being told to jus sit back and wait, it will all work out without anything, but need an objective view. It's really breaking my heart!

Thanks again!

 

[willowfox]

Line 54.4 for a child makes me think that she is playing a game with you for some reason or another but only known to her. It looks like she will come around given time.

Line 2.4 suggests that your hands are tied and any move you make will only worsen the situation, so the advice is to retrain yourself for the while. I was thinking that some time in the future you may trying using a party as an enticement, send her an invite and see what happens.

 

[firehorse]

Interesting point - her father has had parties the last few weekends. Could that be what 2.4 is saying.

 

[willowfox]

Interesting point - her father has had parties the last few weekends. Could that be what 2.4 is saying.

No, its not, line 2.4 says that you have no power or influence at the moment and you should desist from trying.

But Hex 16 is about using others to help you achieve a goal and it also indicates a celebration or party.

Therefore, use your oldest to convey the message to her but not straight away, say in a month or so.

 

[tigerintheboat]

An Inequitable Position

I need some help here...a situation where I am just stumped. My middle child "T", age 13 (almost 14), will not come to my house. she stays with her father. We have not had a fight, there has been nothing strained between us that I know. Background is that she, as a younger child, has had many medical issues due to being premature. I have always been the one to take her to appts., stay with her in the hospital, the one that would run to school to pick her up if there was a problem, etc...you get the idea. Her father and I divorced 5 years ago.

She doesn't seem interested in seeing her younger (baby) sister, whom I know she adores, or hanging out with her older sister, whom, incidentally, came to live with me exclusively shortly after her father and I separated because of the constant fighting. Is this paybacks? She was pretty upset when her older sister would not see her dad...it seemed to have hurt her too.

I asked, "what do I need to know about T? 54.4>19

What do I need to do about T? 2.4>16

H54 is The Marrying Maiden, the story of on who must adjust herself to difficult conditions in a marriage/situation that she did not choose. I think that is a really interesting description of T's situation!

And it appears to me that she has decided to do something about it. What she does may be irrational and the result of magical thinking, but she is taking action to make herself feel less powerless (more powerful, if you prefer). (It is a common story of plays and movies that children hatch plots to get the parents back together--don't know if that applies here).

Line 4 tells you that patience is required, that this child will come to a good end and grow up to have a life, but perhaps not on the same schedule as others.

I want to think, in this case, that H19 describes your proper relationship to this...you need oversight and cooperation with her, not opposition. If she is playing a game, taking action as she can, to reduce the inequitable feeling she experiences, having you oppose her will just prolong it. Instead, you are the superior person...

"Teaches and shows concern without exhaustion.
Tolerating and protecting the people without limit."

So tolerate, protect and teach her, but don't confront.

The "what to do" question is consistent. H2.4 tells you not to provoke a confrontation, which would be bad for both of you, and will prolong the situation. You have unbridled energy to jump in and do something about this (H16), but that needs to be harnessed.

Tiger

 

[firehorse]

Very insightful, thank you.

 

[tigerintheboat]

You're Welcome!

 

[bamboo]

Hi Firehorse,

It sounds like teenage "stuff" to me...and age 13 is right on schedule! I think the 54.4 is extremely encouraging.....the time is not yet for her to join with you in harmony, but not to worry, the time will come.

and if there was ever a great line for how to deal with teenage rebellion, I would say 2.4 is pretty much it. Be reserved and calm, keep your reactions close to your chest, let it be what it is for now. the very worst thing to do would be to retaliate, become angry or engage in power struggles....it does not sound like you are doing this, btw, but I speak from experience that teenagers can make you feel like retaliating!

I once got a Sabian symbol reading when my teenager was giving me a very long and hard time and the symbol advice was : A Massive Rocky Shore Endures the Pounding Waves of the Sea (or something like that) ...it was so perfect! The Massive Shore is strong and unmoved by the pounding, and yet it stands tall and doesnt go anywhere..it's solid and enduring. It can wait out the storms.

although line 4 advises keeping your thoughts and reactions to yourself, I dont think it has to mean being unresponsive, esp if she comes to you. If she needs you, you are there, but best to approach the encounters with calm ability to listen, giving her the ample space to talk to you, and holding your own feelings in line, with reserve and kindness. It is okay to emphasize that you love her and accept her...be more cautious with making demands, or asking for your own needs.

if teenagers feel accepted and permitted to stake their rebellion, and begin to understand that mom is not going to jump on them, demand respect, or try to change them...they soften up, defenses drop, and they begin to develop some trust. Teenagers trying to grow and separate from the same-sex parent, feel they need to be abrupt and cold and distant. BUt make no mistake , they love their mom and need her desperately..they just fear that running back to mommy is going to sabotage their need to break free. So if Mom stays cool, calm and collected, with no agenda, the teenager will feel drawn to her, less threatened. 16 seems to inply attraction...we wish to be close to those who offer celebration . the fan yao 16.4 interestingly suggests attacting those to come near naturally

 

[firehorse]

Thank you so much, Bamboo...these are all things I know, just had forgotten. I've planned a trip to the Zoo on Monday, friends included. Let's see how this pans out!