54 unchanging and relationships

[lucuma]

Hi all,

I was wondering what do you think 54 unchanging could mean in regards to one’s position within a relationship, in which one is certain there is not a third person involved?

It’s not clear for me as I haven’t experienced it yet until now. Could it mean the significant other is concerned with something specific such as a job, a family situation, health related stuff or something like that? Or is it inevitably related to a third person or romantic interest in the picture?

Thanks

 

[Liselle]

I think I remember Hilary talking about this once, and if I remember correctly, yes, you are right. You as the 54 person are taking a back seat to someone or something else.

I suppose it could mean there's another romantic interest you don't know about, but that would mean he/she is hiding something from you duplicitously and Yi might have said something more involved. Plain 54 unchanging is straightforward enough that it probably (guessing!) means you come second to something you're aware of, or could easily guess or become aware of.

 

[legume]

i remember reading somewhere here that 53 shows marriage from male's perspective while 54 from female's perspective (hope i got it right).

i don't think it necessarily means another interest or anything hidden, but simply a situation in which at the time of asking one side cannot make things happen their own way.

 

[lucuma]

Yes, it has sense. Seems clearer to me now.

I think 54 is pointing, probably, to my significant other's concern about their own issues, their own self being the most important thing to them right now, which kind of leaves me in a subordinate position. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, just not sure it is sustainable in the long term. Sometimes one has to focus in the bigger picture, in an interest that's beyond one's self -a partnership, a joint project, raising a family...

Thank you both for taking the time. Really appreciate it.

 

[diamanda]

54 means you're in a servant's position. Being unchanging isn't that great... you're not as important to your partner as they are to you. You are not, and will not become, their priority / an equal partner, you'll only be a subordinate, you'll be there to fufil your partner's needs. Being in such a position most often leads to third parties coming into the picture.

 

[marybluesky]

That you can't make things go your own way, or you're not their priority.

Not bad if they're not your priority either, for example in a casual, open relationship- yes it is possible to enjoy such a relationship and not go crazy. Recently I received 54 uc about my current relationship. I don't feel any special urge to contact my partner between the meetings although I do enjoy our time & sex together. Just feels natural, like when you have a long meeting with a dear friend and don't become obsessed afterwards about what they're doing in your absence. I even noticed there was lipstick on a cigarette butt in his ash tray. Not a big deal really.

Again, that's a casual relationship. I find his body very attractive & enjoy having conversations with him, but he's not my classic boyfriend. If he was, that made him a priority; then I wouldn't be satisfied in a 54 place

 

[lucuma]

Hi.
Thanks diamant for such an eye-opening answer.

And thanks marybluesky for sharing your experience. I see your point. This is a relationship that started 3 months ago with a person I've known for many years. I wouldn't say it's 'casual' and when talked about it we both said we're not dating anyone else. Also we communicate every day, are in touch with each other's needs, and do things together besides sex so he's pretty much a classic boyfriend for me But again who knows? i guess anything can happen.
I think I'll have to see if this 54 thing changes soon or not.
Thank you!

 

[lucuma]

An update, since the 54 situation finally played off, and it was indeed sad

My friend and I were communicating every day and suddenly he seemed very distant. A few days after I asked him why and he said he was kind of 'backing off' because he wanted to solve some major issues (he's unemployed at the moment, not living at his own place, etc) before he could commit. He said he wants a serious relationship with me but he can't right now, due to these situations, and suggested to see each other in a more casual way. He was also doing a freelance editing job that was really hard for him to get, and got kind of 'absorbed' by it so apparently couldn't communicate so fluently with me. He suggested to meet and talk.

I know this sounds like classic 'he's just not that into you' stuff, but I've known him for years and don't think he'd make excuses. Anyway, I prefer more direct communication and I see clearly this situation will repeat (54 unchanging). So I told him I'd rather leave things here. But I was hurt because I care about him and it all happened very suddenly, from one day to another, while he was not upfront with it, just waited till I confronted him... I may have been pushy too, probably -I just don't know anymore.

EDITED: I don't know if this reading belongs here, if not please tell me and I'll create another thread.

I asked 'What really happened here?' and got 54.2.5.6 to 25, again.

54.2 I wanted to stay in the relationship though I wasn't seeing the bigger picture (someone with one eye able to see, beneficial to persist), I cared about him but the whole situation wasn't favourable; changes to 51 which I think refers to the fact that anyway I was shocked by this.

54.5 I think these 'lesser position' situations can work fine during a certain time, if one is open (58), for example our exchange was natural and loving, but eventually one can find oneself in a place where you really want to grow and become an equal.

54.6 In LiSe's words "Even the smallest thought or gesture needs truth and sincerity". I thought this points to his feelings not running very deep, or he not knowing what he wanted. Words are just words (there were plenty of loving words here), they need real substance, they need to be shown with gestures.

25 as the relating hexagram, he wanted to be 'disentangled', just enjoy the goods of a relationship in a casual way, not getting caught in the not-so-pleasant part of it, like I don't know, the things responsible adult people do, like considering the other person's feelings, or being upfront?

Do you agree with this interpretation?

It's just feels so sad and disappointing too... we've been friends for years, I didn't expect he'd behave in this way... although I know it's probably for the better.

 

[diamant]

Very sorry to hear all this lucuma.
These are all classic excuses (turning into casual because of whatever 'major issues').
It's heart-breaking - if one has a heart that is.

I mostly agree with your interpretation.
What really happened here? 54.2.5.6 > 25
54.2 says even if you can't fully see the facts, you can guess what's going on.
54.5 shows someone fancying one person, but marrying another for status and riches.
54.6 shows a 'marriage' without any substance.
And in relationship questions, 25 is usually 'no sex'. Also disentangled as you say.

Overall it speaks of an insincere and failed 'marriage'.
So he wasn't sincere towards you, and you could probably sense this already.

 

[marybluesky]

Sorry lucuma, I see how frustrating the situation can be.

As for your new reading, I think it would receive more comments if posted in Shared Readings.
I read it as you were going your own way, then he appeared in your love life & you enjoyed it despite the less than ideal conditions, and now no direction brings fruit, you aren't entangled anymore.

I know this sounds like classic 'he's just not that into you' stuff, but I've known him for years and don't think he'd make excuses.

To be honest I don't believe in "he's not that into you" signs. People may indeed not be that into someone, but then what signs do indicate the reverse, IOW, that someone is really into you? When you look at relationships around you, none is perfect.
There are guys who appear late in dates, there are women who asked the guy to be their BF, there are girls who go miles to meet the boy, they are boys who let the girl take the lead; and still these relationship go on. I don't say they have no problems, but who does?

I think such a viewpoint comes from a time when gender roles were strictly respected and people followed the dating etiquette so that they can get married as soon as possible. It wasn't necessarily about love.