59.3.5>18

[musico]

Hallo, I'm new to the forum although I've read a lot of posts as a non-member and have used the I-ching for many years. I wonder if I could please ask for a bit of help?

I'm separated and after my sons went off to university I decided to try online dating. I met a lot of guys (some very nice - but no spark! - and some pretty damaged) and had some good email exchange/phone calls with V (a musician, like me) who disappointingly disappeared just as I thought we were going to meet up... And then I met D. The birds sang and stars exploded. V suddenly emailed and explained he'd been nursing his son through a serious illness and could we meet? I declined (politely)

Fast-forward a few months and, without going into details, let's just say I promise never to use the word 'narcissist' trivially again. I came to my senses and left when D directed a torrent of verbal abuse at me. I felt completely trashed and my confidence, both in my own judgment and in whether I'm remotely attractive, is a bit shredded. A friend who knows me well is encouraging me to try again and suggested I started by contacting V just to ask if he's free and fancies meeting. I'm scared!

I asked the IC whether I should do this and got 59.3.5 changing to 18. I don’t really understand it, although 18 made me smile because my friend had said it was time to ‘stop the rot’ before I became a bitter old woman! I then asked what I could do to get my confidence back and got 22.4.5 >13. I am really stumped and would be very grateful for anyone’s views. Thanks!

 

[foxx777]

First off, I was widowed in 2006 at the age of 46, and boy did I have some bad online dating experiences. (I mean, really, really bad: As in bilked of money by a sociopath who seemed to be my soul mate for a year. Took a long time to recover from that one... )

So I do know a thing or two about what you are going through.

As for your first reading:

59. Dissolving

Line 3:

Dissolving oneself,
without aversion.

Forgetting about oneself to get things done, without feeling aversion to doing so.

Line 5:

Sweat dissolves.
His loud cries dissolve.
The king stays put.
Without fault.

The dissolving of a situation that has been fought to keep, is completed, and over. The one in control stays in the same position. There is no mistake.



Hexagram is changing to:

18. Corruption

Corruption.
A foundation for progress.
It is beneficial to cross the big river.
Before the date three days,
after the date three days.

There is deterioration. Remedying it will make further progress possible. It is a good idea to do take on this large undertaking. One must prepare well, and keep a keen eye on how things are going.

A bit cryptic, and quite honestly, I would have to think on it for awhile. I am usually pretty quick with these interpretations, but this one is as I said cryptic. What I am getting is either V needs to dissolve himself, or you do. Not the clearest of oracles, but it seems very serious and pivotal. I would imagine it has more to do about your present state, than with you and V??? In any case, no harm in attempting to contact him, I would think...

Next one: I think 22.4.5 > 13 is clearer: In my opinion, it is telling you to strip down to your simple self, to wait to get down to your core self, and then one can again meet with others:

22. Beautifying

Line 4:

Beautiful snow-white.
A white horse with wings.
It is not enmity, but a love marriage.

A haze of beauty. One doesn't want to do anything that might break the spell.

Line 5:

Grace in an empty garden.
The roll of silk is a leftover.
A leftover is inadequate.
Eventually good fortune.

Starting with only little. Things will eventually turn out well, though.
(A roll of silk was a bridegroom's gift at a betrothal rite.)



Hexagram is changing to:

13. People Together

People together in the open country.
Progressing.
It is beneficial to cross the big river.
Benefiting the noble one's persistence.

Together with people in a neutral place (not a passionate connection with someone). There is progress. This is a good time for big undertakings. It benefits one's objectives.

 

[chingching]

Yes, your friend I right you need to clean out the rot and clear things up.

THE IMAGE

The wind blows low on the mountain:
The image of DECAY.
Thus the superior man stirs up the people
And strengthens their spirit.

59 is dissolving, breakdown your emotional walls and let people in.

Line 3 , dissolve self, any of your stories you have told yourself and others more than once, any definition of self you've derived from them, let them depart from you as the water of the flood washes over, let them become apart of the story of how you took the step to finding the right partner instead of holding onto them and 'self as they are now, because that would only lead you back to a static rendering of 18 the self rotting in an ancient narrative which probably isn't wholly true to begin with as we experience our lives and self subjectively.

Line 5 is the ruling line and here the flood even goes over the king and the kings residence. But even this crisis is no fault, you prob have a lot of trepidation in calling this man and rightly so you put him aside for the lusty fellow, for that bolt of lightening.

For me it's a clear yes go ahead call this guy, create a meeting place like a bookstore you both like etc.once you get rid of those rotting leaves (18) you can sow some seeds (59) and this brings eminent expansion(18)

As for 22 >13 get out there with some friends (13) and see a movie (22) invite this man who sounds like a line 4 and don't worry about what you have to offer, line 5 , it's enough.

N.b 59.5 reminds me of a scene in Eric the Viking where they actually don't cry out as the kings residence is flooded and they all drown!

 

[musico]

Thank you very much chingching and foxx777 - you've given me a lot to think about. Maybe I'll screw up my courage and send V a message...erm...soon...!

 

[ginnie]

V is a musician, like you, and so you and he have that in common. When you declined getting together with him in the past, I think it was out of terrible frustration and a sense of disappointment. You formed the conclusion that he had let you down. And so ill-will sprang up between the two of you, and this ill-will persists, as if it were a solid block of ice whenever you think about him. Hexagram 59 speaks to the melting of this solid block of ice, this rigidity that doesn't want to give way to the softer feelings and kinder judgments. 59.3.5 says don't think about yourself so much; become more selfless and think about the other person. Then meet and speak with him. This relationship can still be repaired. Don't give up!

 

[musico]

Thanks Ginnie. Just to make one bit clear - maybe I didn't explain it well enough. Order of events: V and I chatted quite a bit (all very friendly, not flirty), he suggested meeting, I said 'great', he disappeared. I was kind of disappointed because I felt quite drawn to him, but no more than that - I'd already discovered these things happen on dating sites. Then I met D and a month later, V got back in touch. I replied that I'd assumed he maybe met someone else or wasn't interested after all, but I was now in an ongoing relationship with someone else. He said 'shame - good luck and hope it works out' and that was it. There was no rancour or huge expectation on either side.

My anxiety now is more about feeling horribly under-confident. The last few months have been bad, and it's shaken me up. I've never been in such an abusive relationship in my life before, and I'm stunned that I could have fallen into it so easily. It was only when I thought D was going to hit me that I finally smelt the coffee. But I can't seem to get rid of the dregs I feel really stupid and a bit worthless.

 

[foxx777]

Thanks Ginnie. Just to make one bit clear - maybe I didn't explain it well enough. Order of events: V and I chatted quite a bit (all very friendly, not flirty), he suggested meeting, I said 'great', he disappeared. I was kind of disappointed because I felt quite drawn to him, but no more than that - I'd already discovered these things happen on dating sites. Then I met D and a month later, V got back in touch. I replied that I'd assumed he maybe met someone else or wasn't interested after all, but I was now in an ongoing relationship with someone else. He said 'shame - good luck and hope it works out' and that was it. There was no rancour or huge expectation on either side.

My anxiety now is more about feeling horribly under-confident. The last few months have been bad, and it's shaken me up. I've never been in such an abusive relationship in my life before, and I'm stunned that I could have fallen into it so easily. It was only when I thought D was going to hit me that I finally smelt the coffee. But I can't seem to get rid of the dregs I feel really stupid and a bit worthless.

Well, obviously, it is not you who are stupid and worthless, but he who treated you this way. In any case, you must be feeling weak after going through such an awful experience. I know I did after mine. So go easy on yourself. It takes time to recoup.

Since there seem to be no hard feelings with V, give it a casual whirl, and think first of your own rest and recuperation (if he has become involved, so be it. If not, maybe it can pick you up a bit.)

 

[chingching]

It was only when I thought D was going to hit me that I finally smelt the coffee. But I can't seem to get rid of the dregs I feel really stupid and a bit worthless.

This is what I meant by what I said about 59 line 3, let this story dissolve, it is not you. You are not the experiences that have happened to you, you are not your past not even your recent past. It is impossible to be worthless. Dissolving has an element of surrender in it too, and for me it's about allowing yourself to be connected with the everything. Once you drop a berocca into water both are inextricably intermingled, no matter which part of the cup you drink from you get the sweet tasting vitamin b enriched berocca water. So when you disperse yourself you become apart of all of us. 59.3 is like a baptism too. In Christianity is washes away all your sins, which at its essence is saying the same thing , you are not the stories you are not the experiences, let the water come in over your head and you are everything and everything is you, disperse self.

I think what you do in terms of dating is a secondary concern. I think 18 is always an important opportunity to clear out things and thoughts that have themselves already decomposed, that are themselves ready to be cleared away.

These two go together nicely IMO, I recently cleared away a part of my garden filled with dying plants and I didn't plant something new and now the weeds are creeping in! You either sow new seeds or the weeds will sow their own.

 

[musico]

Thank you all so much for your support and insight - it's provoked some fascinating images that have really helped deepen my understanding. It's especially kind when i'm a complete newbie. I eventually emailed V and he sent me his phone number straight back - Ginnie, I realised how the 'solid block of ice' connected to him when i found my hand frozen over my telephone. I think it was fear! Well, he's off on tour in Europe for a couple of weeks but was very relaxed and friendly and said he'll call when he gets back so we can fix a meet. I've broken the ice Thanks!

 

[musico]

Well, I can't believe it's 18 months since I posted my question. The time has gone very quickly but, equally, so much has changed that it seems far longer! I was so grateful for the help at a very difficult stage of life and I thought I should post an update.

V and I went on to have a very lovely, easy relationship for several months and have remained friends long after any heat went out of it. From my POV it restored my confidence and it was great to find that gentleness when I needed it most.

Um, I am actually living with somebody else now - much to my surprise. It wasn't something I ever intended. In fact my friends have laughed at me and reminded me I once said 'if I ever say I'm going to live with a man again, just hit me with the shovel and push me in'. But... I met J through work and something utterly irrational happened to me! I'd completely forgotten what that feels like. He became acutely ill and needed 24/7 care for a bit when he came out of hospital, and then he got better... and then it dawned on both of us that we wanted to stay together. I won't pretend it's always easy for two long-divorced people to negotiate the rapids of such a close relationship, but we've done ok so far. Hell, more than ok - it's actually lovely!

If I hadn't taken that first step with your encouragement, I'm pretty sure wouldn't be where I am now. I've also fallen in love with the i-ching, but that's another story.