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a frustrating relationship aftermath

klann

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A very weird situation - I was in some kind of unclear potential relationship for eight months with a guy. We were constantly on the verge of a relationship but never really started it. Still, a deep bond developed between us on emotional and mental level. Despite the mutual physical attraction, nothing physical ever happened because he "wasn't sure what he wanted and didn't want to ruin the friendship". :confused: It never stopped him, though, from flirting and constantly initiating ambiguous talks filled with sexual connotations.

A month ago, he sent me an email telling me that he "fell in love three days ago" and that he hopes that I'm not angry and that "she's a good girl, really".

Naturally, I didn't want to become the best (rejected) friend and moved away from the whole thing, telling him that clearly.

Two days ago, he started contacting me - sending some silly drawing applications for computer, cute pictures and stuff. I totally don't want to pretend to be friends and never replied.

My question is - why is he contacting me?
26.2 to 22


I also asked what the situation between us actually is at the moment and got 34.1.5 to 28

And what attitude I am to take towards him which is good for me (not us, but me): 3.3.5 to 36

Any ideas are appreciated as I am really tired of this whole situation and I need to see things through someone else's eyes.

Thank you.
 
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Liselle

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"Why is he contacting me?" 26.2 > 22

"The cart's axle straps come loose." (from Hilary's book)

Maybe this is as simple as "the wheels fell off" of his month-old relationship, and so now he's getting back in touch with you again.

"What is the situation between us at the moment?" 34.1.5 to 28

It could be that you get one line apiece here. 34.1 could describe him:

"Vigour in the toes..." He has "itchy feet" to resume your relationship.

and 34.5 could describe you:

"Losing sheep at Yi. No regrets."

You "lost" him when he started seeing someone else, and you haven't really missed him all that much (or so I gather from what you're saying here - it doesn't sound as if you've been pining over him or anything. You haven't had a lot of "regrets" about it.)

"What attitude I am to take towards him which is good for me (not us, but me)?" 3.3.5 to 36

3.3
"Pursuing a stag with no forester..."

That sounds a lot like what you say your relationship has always been ("I was in some kind of unclear potential relationship for eight months with a guy...)

"A noble one reads the subtle signs and sets this aside..."

I'm reminded of the adage, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." You didn't know what you were getting with this man before (friendship? romance?), and you could be in for more of the same this time.

3.5
"Sprouting's juice.
Small constancy, good fortune - great constancy, pitfall.


Hilary points out that "sprouting's juice" is your energy. How do you want to use it? I think it says that if you can enjoy the relationship in smaller ways, as you did before, it will be fine. But if you expect it to take firm root any time soon, you might be hurt (hex 36, Wounding).
 

Liselle

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I worded that badly at the end. I don't want to say that the reading says that you SHOULD resume a friendship with him. It depends on what you want.

Based on the reading, I think the following options would end in an satisfactory way for you:

1. You telling him you're not interested in any sort of relationship with him at all.

2. You deciding that you enjoy his company enough to want some sort of relationship with him, BUT you are realistic about it and understand that it may never grow into anything more than what it's always been.

The option that I believe the reading says would NOT end well for you is the opposite of (2) - you resuming the relationship in the hope that it will be different this time, or more than it was in the past. But from what you said it doesn't sound like you're thinking that way.
 

klann

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and 34.5 could describe you:

"Losing sheep at Yi. No regrets."

You "lost" him when he started seeing someone else, and you haven't really missed him all that much (or so I gather from what you're saying here - it doesn't sound as if you've been pining over him or anything. You haven't had a lot of "regrets" about it.)

You're right. After the whole agony I actually felt relieved and I still feel the same. I don't need the whole feeling of being stuck somewhere in between again.
"The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." - I like this very much.


The option that I believe the reading says would NOT end well for you is the opposite of (2) - you resuming the relationship in the hope that it will be different this time, or more than it was in the past. But from what you said it doesn't sound like you're thinking that way.

Again, you're right. It's just that... common sense tells me that, rather than I can see it from the reading itself... Where does IC point that out? In 3.3, right?
And what exactly does 3.5 mean? I am not sure that I understand that one all that well...

It's not that I don't want to rely on my intuition, it's just that I'm also trying to learn more about IC in the process.

Thanks!
 
G

goddessliss

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Hi Klann, whilst not answering your readings as soon as I read your story I thought it sounds exactly like a (non)relationship I was in for 6-8 months 2 years ago. I put myself through so much agony of not knowing what to think, do or feel - in the end I just walked away, had no further contact, best thing I did for myself. He was very upset about it but I just knew I had to do what was right for me. He didn't pursue me further and that was the telling. - Liss
 

Liselle

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...common sense tells me that, rather than I can see it from the reading itself... Where does IC point that out? In 3.3, right?
And what exactly does 3.5 mean? I am not sure that I understand that one all that well...

Yes, I think that is all said in the hex 3 reading. (All the quotes below are from Hilary's book.)

3.3
'Pursuing a stag with no forester,
Simply entering into the centre of the forest.
A noble one reads the subtle signs and sets this aside.
Going on: shame.'

You are not chasing or "pursuing" him, but from what you said, joining into a relationship with him is like being in a forest with no forester or guide. You don't know where you are, what's going on, what you're going to find, what he wants, etc. I think "reads the subtle signs" does mean to trust your intuition - the signs of what to expect are all there in his past behavior and your history with him as a couple. And the reading advises to "[set] this aside," and if you don't, "shame" will follow. I don't think "shame" is the worst omen in the I Ching (it's not "pitfall" or "danger"), but still it's something to be aware of.

3.5
'Sprouting's juice.
Small constancy, good fortune - great constancy, pitfall.'

This was the hardest for me to understand, too. I think there's more than one way to see it.

"Sprouting" is what seedlings do as they grow. Going out on a limb - is your friend a bit immature, maybe, at least about relationships? Hilary says in her commentary, "Young plants use their energy to grow soft leaves and stems, not solid trunks." It sounds as if he's not ready to grow a "solid trunk" yet (in other words, settle firmly down with someone).

I think the line could be about you, too, in a different way. How do you want to use your time and energy ("sprouting's juice")? Do you want to spend it "dating" someone when the word "dating" doesn't seem to even apply? Then the line distinguishes between "small constancy" and "great constancy." In this situation, I think small constancy would be maintaining just a friendship with him, if you see value in that. Great constancy would be committing to him in a more serious way.
 

klann

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I put myself through so much agony of not knowing what to think, do or feel - in the end I just walked away, had no further contact, best thing I did for myself. He was very upset about it but I just knew I had to do what was right for me.

Thank you for sharing your experience... Yes, it does sound the same, and yes, it really is an agony, and yes, I think that it's beyond repair as there's nothing to repair to start with. I stopped thinking about him when he informed me that he "fell in love three days ago" (what kind of time reference is that, anyway? Do you, like, know the exact moment when you fall in love, or what?) but now after his attempt to contact me I think that I do not need to go down that road again. Thank you one more time.

I don't think "shame" is the worst omen in the I Ching (it's not "pitfall" or "danger"), but still it's something to be aware of.

Thanks, I didn't know that misfortune is, so to say, graded in terms of words...

3.5
'Sprouting's juice.
Small constancy, good fortune - great constancy, pitfall.'



"Sprouting" is what seedlings do as they grow. Going out on a limb - is your friend a bit immature, maybe, at least about relationships? Hilary says in her commentary, "Young plants use their energy to grow soft leaves and stems, not solid trunks." It sounds as if he's not ready to grow a "solid trunk" yet (in other words, settle firmly down with someone).

I think the line could be about you, too, in a different way. How do you want to use your time and energy ("sprouting's juice")? Do you want to spend it "dating" someone when the word "dating" doesn't seem to even apply? Then the line distinguishes between "small constancy" and "great constancy." In this situation, I think small constancy would be maintaining just a friendship with him, if you see value in that. Great constancy would be committing to him in a more serious way.

He definitely is the case example of immaturity. Saying "I fell in love three days ago", and reassuring me by stating that "she's a good girl really" illustrates that I think.

As for the small constancy Vs. great constancy situation - yes, I think you are right. I was thinking whether it might point out at the constancy of my decision to shut him out completely, but that wouldn't make sense, would it...?
 

Liselle

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I don't think "shame" is the worst omen in the I Ching (it's not "pitfall" or "danger"), but still it's something to be aware of.

Thanks, I didn't know that misfortune is, so to say, graded in terms of words...

Well, that's not anything official; it's just me talking. If I ran headlong into the dark scary forest without a guide or map, and the worst thing that happened to me was "shame," (rather than being eaten by a bear or something), I'd probably consider myself lucky. And this doesn't literally apply to you, anyway. There's nothing in what you said to indicate any real danger here. I get the impression that even if you did try again to have a serious relationship with him, the worst that would happen is you'd waste more time and probably roll your eyes at yourself and feel foolish. More "shame" than "pitfall."

And, well, it does say, "Small constancy, good fortune." I can't judge what that might mean. There are degrees of good fortune. If you maintain some contact with him as a friend, maybe you'd have some pleasant moments on that level. Maybe he'd be a good friend. You did say there was a "deep bond" between you despite the ill-defined nature of the relationship.

But I don't know your feelings or what you want. Sometimes people can move from potential romance to friendship; sometimes people can't. Maybe just give it some thought for a little while.
 

Liselle

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One more thought - it sounds like most of the trouble from this relationship the first time wasn't because you didn't get along with each other, but because you had no bearings in it, no sense of direction (the "forest without a guide" thing again).

Maybe if you took that aspect out of it right away and gave it some direction - tell him clearly that you'd like to be friends, but that you have absolutely no interest in even considering anything more, and that you will date other men, and so forth - maybe it will work better, or even work well.

But again, you have to decide if it's worth it to you. There's obviously no obligation for you to do anything at all.
 
M

mirian

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Hi klann,

"Why is he contacting me?" 26.2 > 22
Someone who lacks direction. With the "axletrees taken from the wagon", there is nowhere to go, really. It might well represent someone at a loose end or just going through the motions. Superficial approach is suggested with 22 as relating hexagram.

"What is the situation between us at the moment?" 34.1.5 to 28
Line 1 is the temptation to go for things without thinking. Mindless action. Line 5 gets you disentangled, breaking free of a troubled situation. Getting rid of the hassle.

what attitude I am to take towards him which is good for me (not us, but me): 3.3.5 to 36
Line 3 is telling you straight away not to get involved in something that you know very little about it and is unprepared to deal with. Line 5 shows that is not in your hand to solve this and trying will lead to heartache.

If I had to sum up, I would say about this reading: the guy is a time waster to be avoided.:D
 

klann

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Well, that's not anything official; it's just me talking. If I ran headlong into the dark scary forest without a guide or map, and the worst thing that happened to me was "shame," (rather than being eaten by a bear or something), I'd probably consider myself lucky. And this doesn't literally apply to you, anyway. There's nothing in what you said to indicate any real danger here. I get the impression that even if you did try again to have a serious relationship with him, the worst that would happen is you'd waste more time and probably roll your eyes at yourself and feel foolish. More "shame" than "pitfall."

And, well, it does say, "Small constancy, good fortune." I can't judge what that might mean. There are degrees of good fortune. If you maintain some contact with him as a friend, maybe you'd have some pleasant moments on that level. Maybe he'd be a good friend. You did say there was a "deep bond" between you despite the ill-defined nature of the relationship.

But I don't know your feelings or what you want. Sometimes people can move from potential romance to friendship; sometimes people can't. Maybe just give it some thought for a little while.

Thanks for the forest visualization, I like that :D I should start doing that, it'll help my understanding of some of the lines I find more obscure.

I have no intention of making any drastic moves in either direction, but I don't think I want any kind of contact with him. Even if IC told me "go for it!!" I think I'd decide not to. That's just the way I feel.


If I had to sum up, I would say about this reading: the guy is a time waster to be avoided.:D

Hi, mirian, thank you for your reply.
I'd say the same thing, yes.
That's what I intimately felt, and that's how I read the lines, just needed to see if I'm reading them correctly. At a loose end and a time waster both describe him very well.

But, this was very beneficial as I have learned a thing or two about IC.
Thank you all!
:)
 
G

goddessliss

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Hi Kiann, it sounds like you have a very clear view on the whole situation, it's probably just a process of fully letting go now and knowing what you are worth and what you have/can learn about yourself.
Why waste any more energy on it - it just messes up the connection between your spirit and your heart.
It's like someone caught up with an alcoholic - it's suggested they go to AA or similar to learn how to live with/work around an alcoholic - gosh why would you do that to yourself. That's just me thought. - Liss
 

klann

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Hi Kiann, it sounds like you have a very clear view on the whole situation, it's probably just a process of fully letting go now and knowing what you are worth and what you have/can learn about yourself.
Why waste any more energy on it - it just messes up the connection between your spirit and your heart.
It's like someone caught up with an alcoholic - it's suggested they go to AA or similar to learn how to live with/work around an alcoholic - gosh why would you do that to yourself. That's just me thought. - Liss

The more I think about it, the more I think you are right.

Moreover, I think that the answer to the question "why is he trying to contact me?", 26.2 to 22 might as well describe me - I don't really care why he is trying to contact me, I've asked that out of habit. So the implied superficiality might as well, in this case, be mine.

The line I can best relate to is 34.5 - "losing sheep without regrets".

It's just the last answer - 3 to 36 - that still confuses me. Why does it lead to darkening of the light? My question was "what attitude to take in order to feel good?" and the two pieces of advice lead to 36. Does it simply show 36 as an outcome which would be in store if I tried to deal with this situation...? The parallel with my roaming through a forest without a forester who would guide me is very clear and proper (I think that he was roaming as well, when we're at it) but why does it come as the answer to my seeking advice re what would be the right thing to do?

A bit confused over that part...
 
M

mirian

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Hi klann,

About your question: It's just the last answer - 3 to 36 - that still confuses me. Why does it lead to darkening of the light?

Just to clarify that 36 -as a relating hexagram- is not actually the outcome. It is not like hex 3 is leading to hex 36. You can read a bit more about relating hexagrams on the forum. I usually take my relating hexagrams as some sort of backdrop, or the environment around me at the moment, but there are other ways of interpreting them, so have a look at other ideas as well. :bows:
 

klann

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Just to clarify that 36 -as a relating hexagram- is not actually the outcome. It is not like hex 3 is leading to hex 36. You can read a bit more about relating hexagrams on the forum. I usually take my relating hexagrams as some sort of backdrop, or the environment around me at the moment, but there are other ways of interpreting them, so have a look at other ideas as well. :bows:

Where exactly can I find that?
Thank you!
 

Trojina

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Here's one place http://onlineclarity.co.uk/answers/2013/06/01/the-old-resulting-hexagram-conundrum/


and here http://onlineclarity.co.uk/answers/2011/05/21/why-look-at-the-relating-hexagram/

from the above

But coming at this from the other end… quite often, having worked on someone’s reading, I find it comes naturally to present it to them by starting with the second, relating hexagram. (Naturally if I’m working with someone new to the Yi I explain first that we’re starting ‘zoomed out’ and will ‘zoom in’ to the crux of the answer later.) I do this because it’s the part of the reading people most often recognise. This is the part of the reading where you get to see yourself: it’s where you stand in relation to everything that’s going on, or what you aspire to or fear, or the direction you’ve pointed yourself in, or what this whole chapter in your life is about.

plus you could do a search here yourself
 

klann

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Thank you!

It is a revelation, I did use to think that the relating hex is actually the future.
I'll do some reading&research.
 

Liselle

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Hex 36 - the backdrop, as Mirian said - in this case might mean "hiding your brightness" or "wounding". You asked what attitude to take that would be good for you: it would be good to hide your brightness, maybe not get involved with him anymore (not respond to emails or other overtures).

Or, it could mean any of several ways this relationship could "wound" you, either large or small. Anything from the "agony" you went through before with him, to a small wound (possibly the "shame" in the reading) like being annoyed with him or yourself.

It could also mean to just be aware of any potential for wounding - if you would decide to respond to him in some way now, you should pay attention to the "subtle signs" mentioned in 3.3. If you would start to feel "wounded" in any way, then take that as a sign and don't let it go any further.

That last idea might seem to fit best with hex 3 as the primary hexagram, since I think "potential" is part of what hex 3 means (a seedling mostly has potential).

Very often, I have a difficult time trying to figure out exactly what sense of things Yi is intending. And most of the time it actually makes a difference! A "hide your brightness" sense implies not responding to him at all. A "be aware of potential harm" sense allows for the possibility of some interaction. Those are very different things in real life. And I don't know what was intended.

The good news is that I don't think any decision you make would be actually horrible. Personally, I don't see anything in the reading that's strongly put, one way or the other. It's not saying, "Go for it!" (as you put it), and it's not saying, "This man will ruin your life." You seem to have made a decision to cut things off with him, not respond, and I think the reading supports that as well as anything else.

Maybe the readings overall just say something like, "There would be some good, and some not-so-good, in any decision you make. So do what you most want to do." More description than instructions, maybe.
 

klann

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Hex 36 - the backdrop, as Mirian said - in this case might mean "hiding your brightness" or "wounding". You asked what attitude to take that would be good for you: it would be good to hide your brightness, maybe not get involved with him anymore (not respond to emails or other overtures).

Or, it could mean any of several ways this relationship could "wound" you, either large or small. Anything from the "agony" you went through before with him, to a small wound (possibly the "shame" in the reading) like being annoyed with him or yourself.

It could also mean to just be aware of any potential for wounding - if you would decide to respond to him in some way now, you should pay attention to the "subtle signs" mentioned in 3.3. If you would start to feel "wounded" in any way, then take that as a sign and don't let it go any further.

That last idea might seem to fit best with hex 3 as the primary hexagram, since I think "potential" is part of what hex 3 means (a seedling mostly has potential).

(...)

Dear lisa,

thank you so much for the thorough analysis and help.

In the meantime, I have read quite a bit about relating hexagrams, and I think I have started to grasp the idea, which has put me - I think, I hope - one step closer to "proper" (if there is such a thing) interpretation of not just this reading but generally of IC.

As for these readings, I have decided to follow the advice of 3.3: there have been a myriad of "subtle signs" and I have decided to "put this aside", potentially for future reference, so to speak. I have firmly rejected direct interaction with him, he has understood that but I haven't severed all contacts with him (I haven't removed him from fb-friends list, for e.g.) We'll see if this turns into a friendship, into something else, or into nothing.

Thanks again.
 

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