A great mess

[parasio]

Hello,
I'm German and living in Italy. I hope you can understand my english. I'm really worried about my situation and I'm afraid to become nevrotic or worse. Just 6-7 months ago I asked in the forum for help and many persons kindly offered their help. I want to thank everyone for this.
The problem was that my boy-friend left me without explanations.First he was very in love with me. I asked I Ging, the answer was: 35/1.2.3 to 14

For some months I tried to forget him, and at the beginning I wrote him letter to understand his reasons, but he never answered. Also for this ugly way to leave me I wanted to forget him. I was very in love with him.
But in the same moment I was like possesed by him. Everyday his face or his voice etc. were in my mind. For months I hoped to meet him, but I never found any trace of him. Suddenly 1 month ago I saw for the first time after months his car, persons began to speak about him. 2 weeks ago I saw him passing in his car. The things began to move. This sunday I saw him with a girl in his car. I was so shocked. I asked I Ging for explanation:

1) What is the situation: 51/3.5 to 49
2) Was he ever feeling something for me: 51.1 to 16

Because of the I Ging and of my hurted reaction I decided to phone him, to clear our old problems.

He was very kindly and sweet , explained me that he liked me always etc. The problems have been the old bondings to his former girl-friend etc. But since 1 week he has risolved this problem. I felt very warm with him. We laughed together etc. After the call, I was full of good feelings for him.

I thought this is: 51.1 to 16

The day after - yesterday - I was with some friends in a wine-bar. Suddenly he entered with two friends and a girl (a little bit too sexy dressed, a little bit vulgar) It was the first time that I see him after 5 months. I was so surprised and confused, that I was unable to greet him. He ignored me and was very cold. Later I saw that the girl was maybe his new girl-friend. Then my friends told me that she is/was a callgirl (high-class prostitute) and that he since one week was always with her (when he had overcome his bondings to his former girl-friend!)
I was really shocked! I found him disgusting, his appearance stupid. It was no more the man who I once knew. Although we have spoken the day before about our relationship, he treated me like an alien. I felt no more love, nothing, only disgust and loathing. But no relief at the evidence of his meanness.

In the night I asked the I Ging: 42.4.5 to 21

Today I saw him again by accident (I didn't searched him!) passing in his car. I was shocked, because for months - when he was alone - I was searching him and I never saw him. Now when he is with another woman , I saw him everywhere. I think this no more a mere accident. Maybe it will show me something.
I asked I Ging : 13.5.6 to 55

The whole situation is so strange, that I understand nothing. Why I'm possesed by him: He left me in a vile way, then I saw him with another woman, I don't like anymore his person, but he is always in my mind.
I'm afraid to become crazy.

Maybe someone can explain me all this castings, I'm so confused, that see no light.

Thank you so much for your help!

Angelika

 

[arien]

Hi Angelika,

Im new here, and its hard to advise people in such complex matters without being inside the situation, but from what you wrote, I'd say, forget whatever message is there for you to read in those hexagrams: this guy doesnt deserve you, period.

I'd sugest you ask yourself what really you are in love with, cause I doubt it is really him, more likely something you project onto him

Understanding what that need of yours is, the one you think he could provide for, will bring you the clear minded freedom you need and deserve

 

[frandoch]

Hi Angelika,

Your English is charming and very good.

I feel that Arien is right. We often have an image in our minds of the ideal mate, and when we see someone we are attracted to, we project that image onto the other person. The problems start when they behave as who they really are, and not as our ideal would behave. We then get hurt or resentful, but the cause of the problem is in us, not the other person.

You are worth much more than he could give you, even if he wanted to, which he obviously doesn't.

As Arien says, forget the I Ching and let him go - he wasn't for you. If you can do this, you will be free to find a more suitable partner.

Best wishes.

 

[heylise]

Hi Angelika,

I think the Yi itself also said, to let him go. 51 is a shock which awakens you, and 16 is not only enthusiasm, but another meaning of this character is deceiving. The same images which can inspire, can also delude.
For the situation, the shock went to 49: a complete change of the situation.
For what he feels, it went to 16: deceiving.

And 42 to 21 might be: open yourself up again to the opportunities life offers, and bite through this once and for all.

LiSe

 

[gene]

Hi Angelika

I have to agree, forget the I Ching, (in this case only of course). You deserve better than what he can give you. I know that it is not easy to let go of the pull on the heart strings, believe me, I have been through it. Hoping someone will change, maybe they will come to understand, and it just doesn't happen. The judgment for 42 is "favorable to have somewhere to go, favorable to cross the great waters." In other words, the time of transition, Moving the capital means moving to a new location, (in your heart, not physically) If this line alone changes, it changes to hexagram 25, without falsehood. That is what you need, someone who can be fair and honest with your heart. Line 5 says, "Sincerity and truthfulness, benefitting their hearts." This line is yang, line 4 is yin, line four I think represents you, and what you need to do. Line 5 represents the kind of man you need to have in your life. If line 5 alone changes, we have 27, nourishing. And this too is what you need in a man. One who nourishes and cares for your heart. Bite through the pain, and find someone right for you. At least this is what I get out of it.

Gene

 

[gene]

LiSe

I am glad you mentioned that about 16 and deceiving. That is something I hadn't recognized before, and now some readings make sense that didn't before.

Thanks,
Gene

 

[etyrnal]

You have signs of being a co-dependent. One sign of co-dependence is when you don't really enjoy the way someone is treating you, but you take the abuse anyway. This man ignored you letters and phone calls. Sometimes it's hard to let go, I know, but most of what co-dependence is is "attachment", and attachment is not love.

Meditation is the best medicine for co-dependence. But, not many like that kind of medicine.

Wishing you a new love soon.

 

[parasio]

Hello, thank you very much for your suggestions. The idea of co-dependency is a new sight for me. In August and September I practised meditation and stayed very well. Than I have had an little accident in car which caused a whiplash and I stopped meditation. But I think the accident was a result of the meditation. Because my physiotherapist discovered an much older injury of other accident 20 years ago where a cervical vertebra was wrenched. Now my physiotherapist in only 5 meetings had adjusted the cervical. She is a very good osteopath. Than she has also adjusted my pelvis which was out of balance because of appendectomy 30 years ago. After this adjustments the problem with this man reemerged in a very heavy way. Before the accident I was sure to be on the way to forget him. Maybe there were reappearing old psichic traumata which have to be resolved now.

So much love for you. I hope you are stay well in the USA because I have seen in the news that a very hard winter is biting the East Coast

Angelika

 

[arien]

What when we know what is best for us, but somehow we cannot do what we need to do to, out of habit, lack of will or whatever?

Something like we asking the Yi, the Yi showing us the reality (not what we wished, but what really is), but then we being helpless to conform to his guidance, to actually follow the advice given

Oh yes, been there, got the t-shirt

I think thre are only two ways to impose something on ourselves. By repression, ie using our will power to force us to do what we know we should do. Or by sheer joy, by realizing the happyness of being what we should be, doing what we should do, getting what we deserve (and we all deserve a lot). The latter is far better, and in some cases the only way to convince our stubborn egos.

In the case of co-dependency , its hard to impose something on ourselves, and meditating on it wont make the pain go way, perhaps quite the opposite. Unless one has already a predisposition to let it go, meditation wont end craving but instead reinforce it.

I think in this case only happyness can cure us, the happyness of giving up all that is bad for us, and feeling pure and innocent. The happyness of letting go of the enormous burden of craving what's not good for us, and realizing that we need not give up pleasure, quite the opposite, a much bigger pleasure is there for us to gain (and I mean physical pleasure, not the ususal "abandon it all and you will be happy" crap; after all, we are not supposed to reach buddhahood quite yet, there is still a lot of material things we should pursue in this life, let's get holly later)

The happyness of knowing that our true potential can be reached, that we can become all that we really are, and "suck the marrow of life" (keep in mind that what's there in store for you is so much bigger and so much better than what you presently feel miserable about, that once you reach it you will wonder how could you settle for so little, and think it was the best you could get)

There is a purpose for each of us to follow, and until we roll up our sleeves and fight for what is ours, we wont feel good with ourselves.

Now just open up your eyes, and see what really is there for you to reach.

This entity will now shut up

 

[anon1]

Characteristics of Codependency
Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
My mental attention is focused on you
My mental attention is focused on protecting you
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
I put my values aside in order to connect with you
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

------------------------------------------

Hope this is of value

All the best

Been there too!

 

[arien]

thats good for the diagnosis

but I already knew I was codependent

have you ever got 27.1? I think thats pretty much about co-dependency, we should all be magic turtles, non?

 

[heylise]

Arien/Alex
Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your mails
LiSe

 

[arien]

Thanks LiSe, I always love what you have to say as well

 

[arien]

Which reminds me, yesterday, a very dead ancient sage told me something that would be a revelation if it wasnt so darn obvious:

there are only two things that matter pursuing in this life: our own destiny and our inner peace

and ça c'est la vie, as my Yidiotic friend would put it

Alex

 

[parasio]

Hello,
it is the third time I try to post a message. The editor didn't work.

Thank you so much for your suggestions. Now I'll study the co-dependency list. It is hard to learn that the beloved don't love you!

And it is harder to discover that it was only a projection.

With love

Angelika

 

[arien]

In any case I dont think you should let anyone make your mind about it, you need to contemplate all the options, specially the apparently likely one that he is indeed wrong for you in the first place, and you may be projecting your own needs over him, but it is still your call. Dont fall blindly into someone's power, but also dont give up just because someone says you to.
Even "wrong" persons may have a part in our destiny, and that is worth facing, after all, its OUR live, and we wouldnt be facing this challenge if it wasnt necessary for us to learn something