A sibling for my son?

[brooks]

#24! What means this?
His mom and I co-habit platonically, sharing little except our love and adoration for him. Now she wants another. I am deeply ambivalent.
If I decline, we will separate soon. If I agree, we will make the babe and hang in for a while.
Then I will be fifty-ish. A little late for that return to school or career change. And I want love, spiritual and emotional companionship. I am dying of isolation here. I will never love her.
But a child brings so much love of another kind, right? And she is a wonderful mother, and very supportive of my fathering. Might it be worth it?
We both know we are splitting up sooner or later. But me painting the town while her heads in the toilet? Or starting a new romantic relationship when I have a pre-schooler AND a toddler who need their daddy? No, it would be later, not sooner, and I do not know how much more later I can take.
Still, life is long and kids love you and bury you, so what is really important in the long run? And what does #24 say about all this? I am in decay here? About to return to my dream of single life? Overlooking the obvious? Too guilty to see it? If I ask what do you see will I get a candid answer? I need one.

 

[dharma]

Hello Brooks,

Hilary will, no doubt and in short time, come and attend to the I Ching interpretation you have asked for. However (hopefully you won't mind) I would like to add my thoughts on the situation you describe, if I may.

Yes, children are incredible treasures who are, indeed, love embodied. Yet like shiny pennies they lose much of their luster over time simply from being in the world. They have their own course to follow and are greatly dependent on the interactions of mother and father to guide them to it.

The inner maternal/paternal principle of a child is shaped constantly throughout the life by the union it witnesses between these two figureheads, over the course of it's life.

You have one child now who is being shaped by this interaction between you and the mother. Since you do not love the mother, this child will internalize and know this to be true on some level even if it can't be verbalized as yet. Considering these circumstances, you owe it to this one child to give as much of yourself as possible over the years.

I think you would be spreading yourself very thin indeed to bring yet another child into your life when there is so much more you want out of it for yourself. Your spirit is suffocating even now and will suffer for it in the long run if you do not attend to It's calling.

Moving towards your dream of being single is not a selfish thing under the present circumstances, however, I think that going ahead and having another child when you haven't attended to your own spirit's call, just may be.

I am not, by any means, knowledgable in the I Ching. I am here to learn, a true beginner in that sense. So when I suggest that perhaps hexagram #24 may mean, Return to Yourself, it is only based on my opinion and understanding of life in general.

with love,
Dharma

 

[pocossin]

Hello Brooks,

Here's a view from the other side of the fence.

Hexagram 24 is "Return" in Wilhelm, but to King Wen (IMO) it was a special kind of return. The most fundamental return in the life of agricultural societies is the return of new green growth in the spring. Reaping is specifically mentioned in the second line of the next hexagram. There is no reaping without sprouting.

I cannot help but think that in your case, while the grass on your side of the fence looks dead brown, it seems greener on the other side.

Something ought to be renewed in your life, but in your current relation or over the fence?

Is there no possibility for renewal where you are in your relationship with your child's mother? Isn't your burden that your relationship has decayed into dull conventions? You saw something in her once, where did it go? And was it her fault it went? You don't find love while painting the town -- "love, spiritual and emotional companionship." When you give it, it is reflected back to you. You say "she is a wonderful mother," so clearly she has a capacity for affection that is not being engaged, if your marriage is dead.

What change in your current relationship would it take to recover excitement and intimacy? Most likely your current partner craves a baby because she too is denied the excitement and intimacy that can be got only from another person. Haven't you both gotten into a rut of denying life to each other? If you and she aren't sharing yourselves with each other, what are you putting in the pot to be shared? And will it be different with another after a few years?

Is your current relationship what's really holding you back from returning to school or a career change? She supports your fathering. Wouldn't she be your best support for professional advancement -- if you shared the dream? Anyway, you would know where you stood.

Health, ability, and life are wasting assets. We have only so much and then no more, but there is more to life than planning your burial. When you do good, you are good, and that's it. If you want renewal, think of the good you are doing, and do a little more of it. The important thing (IMO) is how you remember yourself -- that you can look back without regret because, considering your limitations, you haven't wasted opportunities for life.

Best wishes,
Tom

 

[mothernature]

Dear Brooks,

Sometimes life is not easy. Sometimes it seems our dreams, hopes and wishes are buried in the wind.
Sometimes we look with an astonishing eye at our own life and realize we are empty and lonely.
Being a father or a mother is one of the most wonderful experiences a humanbeing can experiment in this world. But it fullfills only a part of our heart and soul: the parenthood part!!!!
The other part you are desperatly seeking for - a romantic exchange with a beloved one - a child cannot give you because the love you want is a different kind of love.
If, deep inside, you think, feel and sense that there is no way to love the mother of your son, I think you should not have this other baby and deal with all the consequences of your act, I mean, we cannot have everything, Brook.
You cannot have another child in this lonely, sad and unfertile ground that pictures into your marriage.
If you really feel there is no way out for you and your wife, I think you should take a deep breath and go ahead with your dreams, at least that wonderfully cherished dream to find a woman who you can love and could be capable to fullfill your heart.
Your son will forever be your son.
Children who live in a house where their parents do not love each other and just stay together because of them have an enourmous guilty and sadness inside: they feel as they are restraining their parents to be happy. And children are not supposed to have this weight to carry over their backs!!!!
As a friend and as a woman I say to you that you really should think very serious about the path your life is going through and make decisions and have the courage, strength and dareness to handle and live with them.
It is not easy, I assure you.
Life is not easy and love is not the easiest thing, but we have the right to be happy.
I want to say that you need, also, to give your marriage another chance, but not using the fact of having babies to try to fix things in and out you and your wife.
You need to find a balance without having any other child.
But, again, if you feel it is not possible to love her and that is for sure a losting battle, think very deeply about the decisions and the attitudes you (and her) should have to be happy again.
Together or apart? This is a choice you both need to make.
Be happy or unhappy? This is a choice you also both need to make.
Try to communicate your feelings to her and be open to listen to what she has to say.
I think that ask her why is she in want of another baby if the relationship is almost dying is a good question. Maybe, following this, you both can communicate, relate and be happy or be strong enough to decide what should do.
I hope I could help you with these words.
I wish ALL THE LOVE. Please, give life a chance.

All Yours,
Mother Nature.

 

[brooks]

What a miracle! Thank-you Dharma, Pocossin and Mothernature for your responses.
The penny that loses lustre over time ... what a rich and elusive metaphor for a child growing up in the world.
And to give as much of one's-self as possible over the years, and not spread too thin...again, the image leads to wonderful puzzling: how do I do that? What will this look like in my life? Does giving as much as possible mean definitely not having another baby? I love it that you've given me new Iching-like ways to ponder possibilities.
But to grasp how "being single is not a selfish thing," now this puzzles me, as I was raised on guilt, altruism and sacrifice. What could be selfish about having another child? And how and why is that part of me the selfish part? And why do I feel so blind to this? EEEG! Thank-you Dharma for giving me this to consider.

And thanks Tom, for your thoughts. I've wondered about reaping and renewal, fatherhood versus moving on, wondered if the new growth in #24 could refer to one or the other. I don't know.
And "will it be different with another woman" is a question. Will there even be another? Will it be different with myself? I fear sometimes that it won't be, that years from now leaving will look like a big mistake. I will have lost much and gained little. Big fear.

And to Mother Nature, each time I read your letter it brings a smile. What an inventive way with words! And yes, I quite agree, being a parent is wonderful, maybe the most wonderful thing I've known
Your letter reminds that there's so much I haven't said here. Have I given a balanced picture? No. Have I said that even though we don't love each other, his mom and I make a pretty good parenting team? Have I said that witnessing a mother's love is deeply healing for me?
And have I said that we live for our son, and that creates a bond of commonality and goodwill between us that will survive long after roof and blanket?
And have I said that the real choice here, the real nub of the issue is whether he will have a sibling in his life. We have no extended family. If I gave three or four more years (or even minutes) to this relationship, he could have family for a lifetime, someone to belong to after we're gone. That?s what his mom wants. I?m not so sure.
His mom would probably accept a limited involvement from me if that were all I could offer, donor status if it came to that. Radically different fathering compared to the hands-on with our first, and I don't quite see how I would (not) do it. When the two bright pennies want to go to the park, would I really take only the one? Somehow I doubt it.
And I didn't really say much about what kind of response would help me most while I'm here. I'm drawn to the Iching because it helps me think in new ways. It helps me create answers for myself. I don't want to be told what I can or cannot think or do, or what I need, or what I'm feeling. I had plenty of that as a child. It hurt. Terribly.
Now I want to explore it together, pursue answers together, to share mystery, community. I'd like to commune that way with you, Mother Nature. Know what I mean? That's such a beautiful name for someone to talk about babies with. I'm guessing you're a mom, or at least know a lot about kids. And how they hurt.
So back to my pages I go. Please come talk with me again. Next time I bring koan cracker.

B

PS: Who said "Worship nothing, everything is sacred"?

 

[mothernature]

Hello Brooks....
Thanks for the words. I was expecting them because I really tried to help you with what I have: my words.
I am not expert at ICHING, I am also looking for answers and using this forum by asking questions to the oracle.
Oh Brooks, sorry if I sounded like a mother telling you what or not what to think or do...... So sorry........ maybe it is my mother nature!!!
But I feel really sorry. I just wanted to use my words to help.
I gently apologize.

Brooks, I am very impressed by the capability you have to love and sacrifice for other's good sake. This makes me feel so honoured to hear you......... and that is because this kind of 'sacrifice' always bring to us much much love.
You will always get much more than you give when it refer to parenthood.
Being a mother or a father is absolutelly great! And you love your son so much. This is so beautiful, so elevating!!!!
Maybe this child is teaching you both the value of love....
You are a gentle soul. In a world where a lot of fathers abandonm their children and wives you look like an oasis to every women and children wishes.
You are really amazing, specially your capability to love. Your priority is the child and a possible next one and this is wonderful to see. Your son and the other children you will have are definitelly lucky ones. They are very blessed to have you and your wife.
I sense you feel refreshed after reading what Dharma and Pocossin told you. They make good to your soul. That is wonderful.
But Brooks, I also say to you to never give up your romantic flame, that one that lives inside your heart and soul.
Time heals everything and Love always find a way to survive, heal and reborn. And to enter into our lives in unexpected ways.
God really works in mysterious ways.
And your heart is beautiful, Brooks, and your soul is enourmous.
Try to find your balance and go ahead loving the ones you love and spreading more much love into your life and into the world.
Your merits will be tremendous. Enormous. Wonderful.
You are a very unselfish person, Brooks, but you also need to have a woman to love.
You know that life is always a choice. Choose Love and it will return for you in Time.
Follow what your heart tells you and walk through the path with courage and an enlighted view.
Feel great, as you are great!
The IChing will surely help you. It is wise and also gentle, sometimes rude but it always tell you the truth.
Thanks for sharing and being so kind and gentle to me, too.
I honour this exchange and value this experience.
God bless you, your family and may your free will always work in the name of LOVE!!!!
Love is not the easiest thing but it is everything.

All yours,
Mother Nature.

 

[dharma]

Dear Brooks,

I've seasoned my message here and there, with a few quotes--I hope they are fitting. I will begin with the following:

"Be thine own palace, or the world's thy jail." --John Donne

Growth is always, if not outright painful, greatly uncomfortable precisely because we are entering new territory by outgrowing the mould of our habitual Self, so I understand the difficulty you are confronted by.

To change one's life one needs to know what the conditions are first and then decide what one wants the conditions to become. Knowing where to begin and what you're aiming for are the initial steps you need to take before you can even begin to move.

The thought of being single again (as I suggested) or attempting to develop a deeper intimacy with your present partner (as Tom suggested) may very well be too overwhelming to consider right now precisely because you have only now begun to take the necessary steps towards change--the process has not finished.

My suggestion that you consider fulfilling yourself (being single) is really not that farfetched when you understand that you cannot give to others what you haven't got. By following your instinct for freedom right now, you allow yourself the experience of independence to discover what YOU really want. It doesn't necessarily mean that you must permanently walk away. What you most likely need right now is what the Aboriginals call a 'walkabout'. A time where one discovers deeper truths about oneself.

"Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they will remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit." --M. Scott Peck


Perhaps in taking this time out for yourself you will discover that you want it ALL--right where you are. But the question you must ask on your personal walkabout is, Do I DESERVE to have it all? And what exactly is ALL to you? It CAN be done but you need to figure out what has kept you from having it ALL all this time. Discover what you are REALLY willing to commit your heart and soul to in the long-term, and why.

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart...Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." --Carl Jung


Our children learn how to BE through our example. Our beliefs become theirs regardless of what we SAY in words. Live your outer life so that it is in agreement with your thinking and your feelings and you will teach your son well. If you do not love his mother right now, at least be honest about it by admitting it through the choices you make. Living your life authentically has a wonderful way of lifting an unfair burden off your son's back that allows him to believe that he is somehow responsible for the relationship between Mommy and Daddy (as Mothernature says).

"If you want to amend your errors, you must begin by amending your philosophy."? Jim Rohn


Finally, hoping that this gives you a little more food for thought:

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --Carlos Castenada


with love,
Dharma

 

[brooks]

Hello again Mother Nature and Dharma

Your words arrive as I'm rushing off to my day, so I'll just say thank-you both...
...to Mother Nature, for your great confidence in my abilities. Truly inspiring.
...and Dharma... Thank-you for YOUR courage and truth-telling. I'll be pondering mine today, and get back to you. You give me much.

Worship everything, nothing is sacred.

B

 

[mothernature]

You are welcome.