A terrible encounter

[em ching]

I made friends with a guy over a couple of days and thought we seemed to connect and have loads in common. We then went our seperate ways for a few months but emailed a bit. I have since come to stay with him for a few days as he is in the same town where I had a job interview and he offered a spare apartment to stay in in his block. I read more into that than I should, as since being here things have been awkward between us and he's made it pretty clear he's not interested although he's polite and gentle. Too nice though I think - in the sense of not being careful enough to discourage special attention if feelings are not reciporocated.

It has been a painful shock. I have been depressed and awkward as a result and thus a terrible guest. I am going to leave tomorrow, but I just feel humiliated. I know I'll get over this rejection again, but it's just another hurt and disappointment to swallow. I'm also directionless at the moment- don't want to go home, but don't know whether I want to keep teaching abraod. I feel my best bet is to have a few days by myself - at least when I'm alone I think slightly more of myself. I know this is v negative thinking but I'm in great pain again. My personality, is not...

I asked the I ching
Do I repulse him?
62.3 - 16

How does he see me?
hex 50

someone being hit from behind makes sense. I expected that maybe we'd be able to get to know each other - but each time it's been me, him and other people, who he's paid more attention too. And, because of the embarrassment, I've ended up ignoring him out of shyness and lack of confidence. My silly romantic expectations. Ouch.

Hex 50... swallow it down like a jagged little pill? He sees me as... ?

I don't know. I'm losing faith in myself again. I am lost.

But I will be making a move tomorrow and meeting a friend on Fri so hopefully that'll go well.

:bows:

 

[knotxx]

I am so sorry you have felt such a painful surprise. 62.3 is certainly a good picture of that. You are in pain and that is making you ask questions like "Do I repulse him," which when you are more yourself I think you will see is more a cry of pain than a real question. I think the yi is responding to that cry of pain.

50 is actually quite a beautiful hexagram to be seen as. It also suggests something/one who is under great pressure, great heat--someone who is boiling or simmering so to speak--which suggests maybe he can see the strong difficult emotions you are roiling with right now--but also their potential to create something beautiful or useful.

I am glad you will be out of there tomorrow. If I were you, I would ask something general like "what is the most important thing I can learn from this situation right now?" Also, sometimes when I am feeling a lot of emotion and not understanding a damn thing the yi says, I say "please just tell me one thing I can understand right now." That is often very helpful to show me where to set one foot on the path back to calm and groundedness. You will be back on that path soon too.

 

[chirimiskuay]

Em Chin

I'm sorry, I have no skill to help you understand this reading but I wonder why you think you can repulse somebody. We often try to be nice and kind with people we meet, but shouldn't we be nice and kind with ourselves also?

 

[willowfox]

Its not a story of repulsion, its a story of self delusion where you just did not see the writing on the wall, so you made a simple mistake of reading the wrong signs. Misconstruing his quiet politeness for a further come on, when in fact he was simply being a gentleman.

So, Hex 16 under these circumstances just indicates that you got too excited and enthusiastic for your own good by seeing more in it than there was, a bit like being drunk, you see things that aren't there.

 

[willowfox]

How does he see me?
hex 50

Hex 50... swallow it down like a jagged little pill? He sees me as... ?

As a cauldron. That's right.

 

[ace]

Do I repulse him? (Closed ended questions are far more difficult for me interpret, but i will give it a try.)

62.3 - 16

hmm ... intense question. Small action/affairs (62) in big ideas (16). The little bird in 62 flies well at low heights, but he can't go big and fly really high. You can fly high in the idea of love (16), but it has to be real and you have to be able to land in reality (62). Hatcher (62) says this, "for those who have gone too far, its enforcement must be thought of as voluntary". So, not repulsion, just correction. You went a little far in your ideas about the situation, and these needed correction to fit the reality/boundaries of the situation. This correction hurt. LISE (62) writes, "when misfortune hits, then meet it with respect", and "give extra attention to the things that happen, and feelings of everyone". Yours included. Be gentle with yourself.

I think that this could also point to "the thoughts of repulsion". There may be a caution about thinking too negatively/extreme (16), as it is a small affair/incident (62). The catastrophizing thoughts (i.e., repulsion) may be an example of the mind is flying into territory that is too high or too negative, and not grounded in reality. So, self-negativity is not called for by the situation. Be more grounded about HOW you think about it and yourself. DON"T allow your thoughts to fly high (into high negativity or into high expectation), or there will be consequence and pain.

62.3 seems to be echoing the above. The situation has injured you and you are defending yourself from it by leaving. "grand ideas have to fit in reality if they don't, then do not cling to them" (LISE, 62.3). It could also be your negative thoughts about the situation (e.g., repulsion) are injuring you, following you after the situation and injuring you. Defend yourself against these injurious thoughts.

Overall, I think it is perhaps saying to you a) your ideas/expectations about the situation were a little big or a little high, and they needed to get brought down to the reality of the situation. Or, b) your thoughts about you (e.g.,him being repulsed by you) are too extreme, too negative, (the mind has flown too high into negativity) so these thoughts need to be brought down into a place where they will not hurt you. Big and extreme thoughts/expectations about the situation are harmful to you, but small, grounded thoughts/expectations are still possible. The little bird can still fly, but he will get hurt if he flies high or into the territory of 16.

 

[rosada]

If I said you have a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

While this man may not actually have said anything specific in those friendly emails, I read 62.3 - 16 as indicating he loves turning on the charm.
Hexagram 62 is made up of the lower trigram Mountain, meaning limits, boundaries, and the upper trigram Thunder that inspires a following. It describes the challenge of how close can you be to another, but not so close that you get pulled off your path. 62.3 is the peak of the Mountain trigram, the final boundary. Dissolving that limit turns the hexagram into 16 and suggests his energy, his magnetism, caused you to over step your boundaries, to be swept off your feet and pulled off your path by his 16. Enthusiasm.
So I don't think 62. describes him being repulsed by you at all. Perhaps it is indicating him being aware - flattered? - that you responded to his powers of attraction.
Furthermore I don't think you need to worry about what he thinks of you. 50. "Supreme good fortune. Success." sounds like he enjoyed your attention. It may be he likes creating a vision himself as being the helpful friend all the girls adore.

Best wishes,
Rosada

 

[em ching]

All excellent thanks everybody. I do feel like I'm still a rather weak little bird that constantly flies to high but hey ho... still have feathers enough And it's very sovbering - another lesson definitely learnt. Mainly about expectations and idealism.

In the end I couldn't leave the next day as I planned. Has all been one thing after another really. I was staying in an empty flat in his apartment block which was then re-occupied so I had to be moved to anther. The key broke in the lock of that door like playdough so I couldn't leave as planned. A replacement key couldn't be got either as the office was on holiday - which hardly ever happened apparently. So I had to spend two nights and days in the same clothes. I also couldn't see anything as I didn't have access to my contact lenses or glasses...

Ah have to go now - food ready in the hostel I;m staying at in Suzhou - the venice of the east. Does not dissappoint - and my hostel is right on the canal!

 

[em ching]

Yes so I had to continue depending on him somewhat etc. It was weird we'd have quite deep talks but there was a surface awkwardness. Maybe because of the deep talks. And also I couldn't be natural because I had feelings for him, but these had been hurt by the difficulty of communicating which I didn't expect since i;d felt at ease with him and playful before, and my sense that he was trying to resist me, or at least make it clear I wansn't particulary special - just someone he was doing a favour for in a way. But he is a lovely guy - spiritual - and he always made me feel looked after. I just couldn't shake the initial humiliation from my arrival - and the demons in my head got louder and louder. And so I got less and less relaxed and able to connect. But this realisation of the destruction of my depression, which is still under the surface has surely been valuable. I feel better now even though I did feel close to the edge again. When I feel severe pain it's almost a physical weight and tension in my head - not painful though - and palpitations. scary sense of despair. Unable to think straight, just stare and move slowly. Oh and shock to numbness. Funnily enough the reading I got about going to stay with him:

51> 30

A painful shock. Two twin flames that can't unite.
That was how it felt. I felt constantly on the edge of tears. Partly also caused by how nice he is. I think, as you said in knot, he could definitely sense my pain. He's quite a religious person and has recommended me a buddhist writer - can probably tell I need to master detachment from myself (primarily) and my environment.

He said he's a very simple person now and feels he's managed to free himself somewhat.
'Angels fly because they take themselves lightly'

He does seem like a bit of an angel in some ways. Ah well. At least we didn't part with complete dissolution. I just have to accept that reality cannot match imagination. And some realities stink and seemingly but that's life. Until you become wise I guess
I'm definitely still made up of a lot of youthful folly. And some decaying compost from my past that keeps wafting over making a stink (hex 18), but it'll be transformed right?

What is supposed to happen to the decaying material in hex 18? What are you supposed to do with it - deal with it? Live with the smell? It can't be shovelled away once it's there... I know you have to try and stem it, but how can you stem decay when the food has been left out and suffered the elements without protection and the process has begun? Are you supposed to maybe, transfer the enerfgy created by the rot? Tricky.

Sorry to have prattled on here!
:bows:

 

[Tohpol]

I'm definitely still made up of a lot of youthful folly. And some decaying compost from my past that keeps wafting over making a stink (hex 18), but it'll be transformed right?

What is supposed to happen to the decaying material in hex 18? What are you supposed to do with it - deal with it? Live with the smell? It can't be shovelled away once it's there... I know you have to try and stem it, but how can you stem decay when the food has been left out and suffered the elements without protection and the process has begun? Are you supposed to maybe, transfer the enerfgy created by the rot? Tricky.

Suffering makes great spiritual compost. All those iky things should never be denied but reintegrated - dug into the fertile soil of your personality and used as great fertilizer. But don't make it too strong by focussing on them too much otherwise the Ph content will end up pretty poisonous! Acknowledge them and let them slowly fizzle away under periodic sunshine and showers. It's a natural process and goes at different speeds for everyone.

Not that we should go around in camel hair shirts and whip ourselves senseless: "I'm not worthy oh woe is me..etc." but it seems that real wisdom of the kind that can be passed on and shared rarely comes from how happy we have been. It seems to be when we've suffered and come out the other side and shed some more delusions and illusions. That shedding is painful. I think life's challenges can eventually lead to Joy which transcends ephemeral notions of happiness and or unhappiness. The above is all part of that process and an essential one in all it's rotting stinkyness! lol.

Hang in there. The Adventures of Emching continue...

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