abusive son

[goddessliss]

Hi all,

99% of the time my son and I get along famously, rare conflict or raised voices but on the odd occassion he will speak to me very badly which I consider to be abusive. I don't believed it is learned behaviour because as far as I know he has not witnessed it except once very, very briefly and I didn't not tolerate it then either.
so I asked 'what is the underlying cause for him to be abusive towards me' and received 9.1.3.5.6>7.
I can't even begin to work this out as I am too emotionally upset at the moment.
Thku if you can help, as I do not want him to grow up being this way, it worries me a lot. He is 15.
Melissa

 

[themis]

Hi,

The IC has responded by giving you an image of the situation at hand. In line 3 you clearly see the situation ... conflict: 'Carting: stimulating the spokes. Husband and consort reversing the eyes. Not able to correct the home indeed'. Line 5 depicts a situation where help is obtained from one's neighbour and 'binding thus' indicates some sort of solidarity and harmony. Line 6 is also a favourable line and suggests that one should remain within limits and not overdo/exceed whatever action has been taken thus far. My experience of line 5 doesn't necessarily imply 'outside' assistance is sought or received. It merely suggests that the persons in question are on good terms.

Teenage boys (and girls), especially at around 15 years of age can occasionally or often be simply impossible and disrespectful. All those hormones surging to the surface prompt them to become aggressive and assertive. There may be other reasons. If 99% of the time all's well, don't worry. Just make it clear to him that he has trespassed and that you will not put up with such behaviour under your roof. Respect being of utmost importance in any relationship, place emphasis on the fact that he must respect you just as you respect him ... and you are his MOTHER ! Don't show your distress .. he may take advantage if he detects signs of weakness and pull you down further. Many mothers are experiencing problems with their teens at present. Whether single Mums (which is even more harrowing) or families wih a father, it's the Mum who 'gets' it. It's a phase, he'll get over it.

 

[Trojina]

Hi all,

99% of the time my son and I get along famously, rare conflict or raised voices but on the odd occassion he will speak to me very badly which I consider to be abusive. I don't believed it is learned behaviour because as far as I know he has not witnessed it except once very, very briefly and I didn't not tolerate it then either.
so I asked 'what is the underlying cause for him to be abusive towards me' and received 9.1.3.5.6>7.
I can't even begin to work this out as I am too emotionally upset at the moment.
Thku if you can help, as I do not want him to grow up being this way, it worries me a lot. He is 15.
Melissa

My sense is that this is a one off occurence and its very much about a particular issue (hex 7). Was it regarding something he wanted to do, someplace he wanted to go, something that hes involved in almost like a 'campaign'. Anyway whatever it was about the hex seven as the underlying factor suggests he had some kind of aim/goal/mission he feels you thwarted (hex 9 and the lines). Hex 9 is about 'small restraint'...little details (his mum ) getting in the way of, in this case, bigger plans (hex 7). I thinkit may be a one off event becasue of both line 1 and 6 moving...its an episode qickly moved through, self contained.


However there are many ways to interpet this answer. I'm thinking it describes the event. 'why' questions are very hard to interpret. I think you may have been better to ask about your best way of perceiving his behaviour...but in any case what I think Yi most often gives is a snapshot of what happened and thats your 'why ?' I guess in effect you asking 'why' is the same thing as asking "how shall i perceive this" and in answer Yi has painted a picture of 9>7 for you...motivation (7) thwarted (9)..well thats the over simplified version

Hes full of fairly driven, goal orientated hex 7 drive or desire ( as 15 year old boys often are) and theres hexagram 9 in his way saying 'not yet'....which would lead to pure frustration.
hexagram 9 makes us have to forget grandiose plans and just attend to the daily round......and that is not where most teenage boys want to be !!!...but its where most mums need them to be, ie attending to their schoolwork, their chores etc etc. Seems to me the 'why' of this outburst was pure intense frustration ...

9.6 suggests you can't take this any further, you have gone as far as you can go in understanding him for now ...and maybe he doesn't even want you to try to understand him...maybe he needs more space not to be understood ?

As i said theres other ways to interpret this, but thats my impression of the snapshot of 9>7 at the moment

 

[my_key]

Hi Melissa

Teenage boys can be a law unto themselves sometimes. I have been one and have fathered 3 sons through those tempestuous years, so I can understand how you are being upset by these outbursts. It sounds like for the most part you have a really good relationship with your son, however seeking out conflict can be the prime objective of teenagers and for no particular reason it seems in my experience. They can use the close family as an emotional vent for situations that are not going so well in other parts of their life (teenage boys tend to have emotional situations with teenage girls, other teenage boys, teachers, parents, siblings, the postman, dogs, cats, the milk man, programmes on TV, sport ......... you name it they get emotional and then don't really know what to do with those emotions), so it may be that you have done nothing yourself to spark the outburst. That doesn't make it right that your son behaves in this way to you but it is perhaps making it more understandable and an indicator that it might be less personal towards you.

so I asked 'what is the underlying cause for him to be abusive towards me' and received 9.1.3.5.6>7.

9 - He's just letting all the small stuff build up and learning how best to deal with it. Long term it's all for the good.
9.1 - He's just being the best that he can be. Sometimes his best is not as good as at other times.
9.3 - Emotional stuff, if not dealt with builds up and then all hell breaks loose.
9.5 - Advice for you I think in this line around the situation- Be loving and supportive of him
9.6 - The situation will improve with a bit of give and take on both sides and by looking for ways that things can be done differently.
7 - The more things change for the better around you the more things will begin to settle down. Organise things around yourself so that things around your son do not impact on you. Working together things will come good for you both.

Be well

Mike

 

[goddessliss]

Thankyou themis, trojan and my_key
You have all 'hit the nail on the head' with your different interpretation.
Because I don't have a partner sometimes I have to ask him to help me with things like putting shelves up or shifting furniture which he doesn't mind if it's only going to take him about 10 minutes so he can get back to whatever it is he would rather be doing and generally yes, he is a good boy and good to me.
So my_key thankyou for your insight into the teenage boy thing as I don't know a lot of stuff cause I'm a girl. I have two older boys who have left home and I didn't really experience any disrespect that I thought was extreme but I guess their dad was around then to take off some of the heat.
I find the responsibility of being a single parent overwhelming some days, so thankyou for your insight on this site.
blessings
Melissa

 

[danadanadana]

'what is the underlying cause for him to be abusive towards me'

hex 9. This hexagram refers to a long, slow, subtle process of taming or domestication. You must both maintain the rules of mutual respect in a domestic situation. After a certain age, a son must become independent and self assured to mature into a strong man. Do not expect him to obey you, but do be sure to earn his respect.

change to >hex 7. The Army, "Without strict discipline nothing can be accomplished, but this discipline must not be achieved by force. It requires a strong (wo)man who captures the hearts of the people and awakens their enthusiasm." Your leadership will not be accepted by your son unless you truly have earned it by your behavior towards him. You have to figure out how to inspire his respect for you, and not just demand it because you think it is your due as his mother.

 

[goddessliss]

Thanks danadanadana - this thread is over 4 years old now and our relationship has come a long way - we're great friends now and he's not abusive or disrespectful in anyway towards me these days. - Liss