Addressing Violated Boundaries

[justa]

Hello Everyone
I am working on my personal boundaries, it is a new thing for me and I still find it difficult to express what I find unacceptable. A man I know has spoken to me in extremly inappropriate sexual way several times now. He also makes crass and crude comments about women and seems to lack respect on many levels. This is all mixed up with him seeming to be reasonable and easygoing most of the time. I'm aware I should have told him that it was unacceptable to speak to me in this way the first, second and third time this happened, and I did respond to a comment he made a few days ago, by saying 'it was a disgusting thing to say'. I now feel I must address this. Yesterday he texted me asking if I was okay and if I was pissed off with him. I have not responded yet, but do feel I must for my own peace of mind, to break patterns etc.
I am considering responding by email. I consulted the oracle asking what would happen if I email to tell him he has crossed boundaries and offended me. I recieved Hexagam 10 lines 4/5/6 changing to 19.
I then asked Why he speaks to me in such an inappropriate way at times and recieved Hexagram 32 lines1/4/5 changing to 5.
This is all bothering and upsetting me in a big way and I am really confused as to what the Yiching is telling me in both questions.
Please help
Thankyou
Justa

 

[Tohpol]

Hello Everyone
I am working on my personal boundaries, it is a new thing for me and I still find it difficult to express what I find unacceptable. A man I know has spoken to me in extremly inappropriate sexual way several times now. He also makes crass and crude comments about women and seems to lack respect on many levels. This is all mixed up with him seeming to be reasonable and easygoing most of the time. I'm aware I should have told him that it was unacceptable to speak to me in this way the first, second and third time this happened, and I did respond to a comment he made a few days ago, by saying 'it was a disgusting thing to say'. I now feel I must address this. Yesterday he texted me asking if I was okay and if I was pissed off with him. I have not responded yet, but do feel I must for my own peace of mind, to break patterns etc.
I am considering responding by email. I consulted the oracle asking what would happen if I email to tell him he has crossed boundaries and offended me. I recieved Hexagam 10 lines 4/5/6 changing to 19.
I then asked Why he speaks to me in such an inappropriate way at times and recieved Hexagram 32 lines1/4/5 changing to 5.
This is all bothering and upsetting me in a big way and I am really confused as to what the Yiching is telling me in both questions.
Please help
Thankyou
Justa

Hi Justa,

I'll offer some of my thoughts on this though I'm sure some of the veterans here will chime in.

There's no excuse for inappropriate sexual comments. He has obviously never grown up and has some pretty serious "issues" I'd say. I don't actually think you need the I Ching on this. You've nailed it actually with what you've already said. The only thing is, I wouldn't start an email conversation with him. Bad idea.

What's he doing texting you anyway? Is he a work colleague or long time "social circle" friend of a friend? Regardless, don't get caught up in a dance with this one. You have to be firm and most certainly set VERY clear boundaries.

The I Ching gave you Hex 10 - Right Conduct or behaviour. Right from the get-go this is about handling a powerful situation correctly. The lines I think are basically saying remain firm and determined. Don't deviate. Be strong. Look at how things have gone before...What does your gut tell you? Are you comfortable with engaging with this man further? If not then time to set the boundaries and you won't get bitten by the tiger - i.e. the predator. 19 is about approach yes, but it's also about wise management and things coming to fruition. If we jump the gun and approach in the wrong way then everyone one's a loser. Remember your opening statement: "I am working on my personal boundaries, it is a new thing for me and I still find it difficult to express what I find unacceptable." So, this is how 10 and 19 could fit together.

32 seems to be about perseverance, continuity, endurance and keeping the inner guidance alive. Don't get side tracked and don't put too much energy into the situation than it deserves. You going other places here, so no need to let it get out of proportion.
So, lines 1, 4 and 5 seem to me to be saying don't take any action that is precipitate or ill-thought out. Hold back. This is not really worth putting too much energy into. Adapt to what happens but don't identify too much. This leads to Hex 5: waiting. No reacting here.

Setting boundaries in the external world is as much about setting boundaries within ourselves and vice-versa. That requires constancy and discipline to break those patterns. Maybe this guy (unknown to him) is offering you the opportunity to do that. You are obviously a sensitive person and need to reclaim some of your "space" and some of your self-worth. It is completely understandable that you are upset and it is completely wrong that you have to endure such pathetic behaviour.

So, my gut feeling from all this is that you shouldn't respond to the text or email him. You need to quietly but very firmly reclaim your energy by stating exactly how you feel about his conduct - face to face. No need for fuss or commotion. No need for you to be aggressive or rude. State your truth, as they say, and then let it go. End of subject. If he continues then you deal with it when and if that problem arises. If he is genuinely concerned about the effect his behaviour has on you then he will mend his ways - at least when he is around you. Either way, there is no reason why you should suffer in silence.

Wait a while and see what other suggest too.

Good luck,

Topal

 

[justa]

Hey Topal,
Thank you for your insight. What you say makes sense and I do feel that you are right and I should not be drawn into more contact with this man. I am actually very creeped out by him and even the thought of him and your response has helped make things clearer. I don't have to respond in anyway, I am not obligated in any way and I certainly do not have to explain myself to someone who I actually feel has been abusing me on a covert level.
He is one of a circle of friends who shares some similar interests to me. It has been a gradual thing starting with pleasant chats and then really crossed a line. I was actually shocked and upset when he first started slipping these comments in to chats we were having but didn't know how to respond and laughed them off. But on reflecting more, he must be aware that he is doing something wrong or he wouldn'tbe aware that I was angry with him. He has asked me if was angry with him previously and I did that, 'Oh, no, everything is fine!' thing.
I will endevour to set clear boundaries, will keep hold of my power and will be very clear with myself on what I will accept in personal relationships!
Thanks again
Justa

 

[mudpie]

I agree with what Topal says but I differ in regards to the advice of the hexagrams. I think it is an opportunity to answer his email. Why wait until you see him in person? 10 > 19.....this seems to imply that it is timely for you to take the risk and tell him that Yes, you are upset about his comments and don't want to be subjected to disrespectful talk. Unless you can actually go and see him for a face-to-face encounter, I'd think an email would be the most efficient way to answer his question and address your offense.

seems like 32 > 5 ( in regards to why he has behaved like this) is implying that he has been able to continue like this for awhile.......the 5 could be sayng that he is waiting to be rebuked, pushing the envelope. Obviously he suspects that his behavior is not acceptable.

Personally I love email because you get the opportunity to carefully choose words that say what you need to say , and the responder gets time to reflect , too. BTW, you are not obligated to explain yourself, I agree, but the email can simply say that you considered his comments rude and disrespectful and would like him to explain HIMself. Then you might get an idea of where he is coming from, for better or worse. JMHO!

 

[willowfox]

I recieved Hexagam 10 lines 4/5/6 changing to 19.

I agree that you should answer this idiots message, send him a very stern message about how he has offended you and request that he does not do it again and would he please stay away from you in future. The IC says that you can expect positive results by doing this, so go for it.

 

[the well]

I think you should definitely reply and tell him your feelings on the matter because he obviously has no idea, and it sounds like he's not trying to offend you he just is doing very badly trying to win you over. For both your sakes in my heartfelt opinion you should definitely state your boundaries in this matter.

 

[rosada]

How appropriate that we should have 10. Treading (Conduct) as the responce! Treading is about proper behavior.

"Treading upon the tail of the tiger. It does not bite the man."

So who is treading on someone's boundries and who is the Tiger? Who is doing the teasing and who has the power to swat his sorry ass to China? I think the I Ching is picturing you as the powerful one here, in which case you are advised to take his remarks "in good humor and treat them as harmless. -Wilhelm"

!0. Image
Heaven above the lake below:
Thus the superior man discriminates betwen high and low, and thereby fortifies the thinking of the people.

Heaven is what is highest, Lake is what is lowest. These differences in elevation determine the rule for conduct. What is unacceptable to those of higher standards is acceptable to those of lower standards. The superior man must recognize the differences, must recognize who can be held to a higher standard and who truly doesn't know any better.

So far seems to be saying that you have put up with this man's unacceptable behavior, perhaps because you felt it was harmless and perhaps because you realized he was too dumb to know any better.

The lines seem to be clarifying his point of view.

10.4
He treads on the tail of the tiger

- that is, he said things you found offensive, but when he showed some

"caution and circumspection" and asked if you were offended,

you lead him to feel he had "good fortune,"
you told him you didn't mind. (Oops!)

10.5
Resolute conduct
-He kept it up.
Perseverance with awareness of danger.
-but he realized something wasn't right. So now he has sent you an email asking you again if you are irritated.

10.6
"Look at your conduct and weigh the favorable signs."

Perhaps this is he looking for positve feedback from you. Perhaps it is you being told to look at your conduct and weigh what is good about the situation. Well, you did tell him you didn't mind this flirty talk, so some of the responcibility for this situation lies with you. Perhaps the favorable sign is that he is asking you again, he does realize you are not comfortable and he is giving you a chance to clarify your feelings.

"When everything is fulfilled, supreme good fortune comes."

This seems a very positive oracle that you can do something here to create a positive outcome. Refuse to respond? Respond but in harsh terms? Respond in friendly terms? Only you can know how "everything is fulfilled."

Personally, I agree with the idea that getting into any kind of email exchange can be sticky. On the other hand, the advantages of being able to pick and choose your words carefully are not to be underestimated. Hexagram 19."The superior man is inexhaustible in his will to teach and without limits in his tolerance and protection of the people," sounds like an email would not be a mistake. I vote your words should be clear but not harsh. Something along the lines of, "You are right, I have been distancing myself. You asked me once before if I was uncomfortable with your jokes and I should have told you then I find that sort of talk inappropriate. Thanks for giving me the opportnity to clear this up. Sincerely,..."

Then if he tries it again you can in frount of everyone in a loud clear voice say, "That's inappropriate. I don't appreciate that kind of talk." But at least give him one chance to streighten up with a quiet answer. If you humiliate him right off the bat he might strike back by saying something even worse.

Best wishes!
rosada

 

[justa]

Hey Guys!
Well, I ended sending a very clear, polite and short email, stating that he hasd crossed a line with me and never to talk to me in that way again. I recieved a reply sincerely apologising and have seen nor heard anything since! So it was a good result and I feel I have really changed some old behaviour.
Thank you all for your replys and your support. Hope you all had a good Christmas!

Justa x

 

[atri ob]

Way to go Justa!

It's inspiring to see people who can take the reigns of their lives and assertively ask for what their inner truth tells them is right!

I believe hexagram 10 was very appropriate for your situation, and line 5 specifically advises you to stay the course, don't waver, and let your higher-self approach (19).

Wishing you continued success in your new path of empowerment.

 

[justa]

Well thank you so much Atri Ob, yes I feel really fab now I have started to abide by my truth and treat myself with respect!
I wish you a beautiful and magical 2008 and hope all your dreams come true this year.

Justa x