Am i deluding myself? Seems like 'no!'

[NemeanMagik]

MY therapy and care troubles in the Mental Health Trust rumbles on.
I woke up this morning going over and over things in my mind and still unable to resolve various riddles and unable to let go of the thing either. Sorry to those who have tried so hard to move me 'onwards'....

I have a pretty strong hunch I have been deceived by services, in particular previous therapist,. I have had a couple of meetings, one with her and her immediate line manager. The meeting seemed to go pretty well really but then I was sent the 'report' three weeks later (took her 3 weeks, yes ! )which was said to be 'for me to refer back to when I was anxious or confused about what was said' I was told in the 'report'. But this did not reflect my perceptions of the meetings and also left out key comments that supported my understanding as it had been prior to the meeting and which was one of the main, if not THE MAIN concern I have had.....

I am about to send them now, my own Report which differs in various ways quite significantly.

Of course I am being led to believe that my perceptions are are awry, and each point I raise is deflected by reference to my mental health condition. They can, (when it suits them) for communication, E mail me, but I am not supposed to E mail them. Power is very much it feels to me being abused in this situation by these people in that they are frequently unavailable or ignore my questions.

This situation has gone on and gone with various odd trajectories since January, or really even further back. Changes to my care programme that do not make a great deal of sense given what my therapist in particular had said.

This morning I thought of a good question I think which is:

AM I DELUDING MYSELF?

I Ching's response:

Hexagram 30.1.3.5.6 > 45 Apart from line 3 perhaps....the general trend of the lines' meanings is surely a NO answer? If this is the case, then yes, I have been BETRAYED, and NO, I am not deluded about this.

Could this be read any other way?

The four moving lines of course always confuse, but even with this, the picture looks pretty clear to me?

Anyone want to comment on this situation?

 

[stuart]

Interesting point about you woke up this morning and things went round and round in your head, seems like an ideal hexagram to respond, as line 1 of 30 represents the early morning when the mind is fresh from sleep and is not tainted by daily thoughts. line 3 of hexagram 30 represent a attitude of self pity, fear and negativity. Life is passing quickly we are old before we know it. However you never age, you as a soul are only ever now, we are all now in the eternal universe. Line 5 and 6 represent your future in a sense that many now's from now, you will have a profound change of heart and this will bring you enlightenment. You will experience life in a more profound deeper way, perhaps the I ching will have helped you discover the truth.
Are you deluding yourself the fundamental question. What are therapist's, and psychologists, fantastic helpful dedicated people with a non supernatural limited outlook on the bigger picture. Work with the I ching, buy a copy of the oracle of Rama, Use these in conjunction with your therapist's. The self is the ego that always try to delude us,. The soul is the true you ,Eternal and everlasting.

 

[NemeanMagik]

Interesting point about you woke up this morning and things went round and round in your head, seems like an ideal hexagram to respond, as line 1 of 30 represents the early morning when the mind is fresh from sleep and is not tainted by daily thoughts. line 3 of hexagram 30 represent a attitude of self pity, fear and negativity. Life is passing quickly we are old before we know it. However you never age, you as a soul are only ever now, we are all now in the eternal universe. Line 5 and 6 represent your future in a sense that many now's from now, you will have a profound change of heart and this will bring you enlightenment. You will experience life in a more profound deeper way, perhaps the I ching will have helped you discover the truth.
Are you deluding yourself the fundamental question. What are therapist's, and psychologists, fantastic helpful dedicated people with a non supernatural limited outlook on the bigger picture. Work with the I ching, buy a copy of the oracle of Rama, Use these in conjunction with your therapist's. The self is the ego that always try to delude us,. The soul is the true you ,Eternal and everlasting.

Yes, thank you for this Stuart. Ultimately I accept this though of course have a long way to go to truly realise the truth you speak of. But the circumstances are very specific and I understood the I ching response to be in relation to my specific situation....? I am seeking to find out if 'in the ordinary way' I have been betrayed as that is how it feels to me, and this is important to me at this time in terms of how I proceed. so my question is about practical implications and how to approach what to me presently, with all the toing and froing of line 3 is my reality. I understood this reading to be saying that NO I am not deluded, and that my perceptions are correct, and therefore in challenging that DECEIT I am doing the right thing. This may seem on another level in terms of the ultimate Enlightenment, but at the present time seems to be part of my destiny in practical terms nevertheless. I am still far too intensely involved to be able to detach in the way you have indicated you understand the near-future trajectory to be.....

 

[Trojina]

For what reason would they betray you ? How would it benefit them ?


I've not yet looked at reading....I'm just asking why would they betray you ? What for ?


Do you think their case load may have something to do with responses/lack of them ?

You see the only reason for what seems to you like 'betrayal' I can think of is that even though you are suffering they have many others to see who they must also pay attention to who are in more danger. Resources are limited and they must cover everyone that comes to them. On the plus side I presume they feel you have reached a place of relative stability, for now ?

Betrayal is something that usually has an emotional payoff for the betrayer doesn't it ? Trying to think of examples....well a man betrays his wife so he can have sex with the babysitter.....a friend betrays another friend in order to fit in with the 'in crowd' and so on.

But what advantage could come to the therapist by betraying you ?


I'm thinking as it's an NHS therapist you can't choose how long to see them for and neither can they, can they ? I mean your therapist will have a boss and that boss will be wanting to know how many patients she is seeing and if she is getting through her case load and so on. I imagine as with most NHS staff that she is under pressure. I personally think that pressure on staff, of time, of resources, of money, is far more likely to be the cause of these circumstances than deliberate, ill willed, mean, betrayal.

I will look at the reading later though....but no personally I don't tend to think you have been betrayed for the above reasons. But I could be wrong of course

 

[NemeanMagik]

Am I deluding myself? Seems like 'NO!'

For what reason would they betray you ? How would it benefit them ?


I've not yet looked at reading....I'm just asking why would they betray you ? What for ?


Do you think their case load may have something to do with responses/lack of them ?

You see the only reason for what seems to you like 'betrayal' I can think of is that even though you are suffering they have many others to see who they must also pay attention to who are in more danger. Resources are limited and they must cover everyone that comes to them. On the plus side I presume they feel you have reached a place of relative stability, for now ?

Betrayal is something that usually has an emotional payoff for the betrayer doesn't it ? Trying to think of examples....well a man betrays his wife so he can have sex with the babysitter.....a friend betrays another friend in order to fit in with the 'in crowd' and so on.

But what advantage could come to the therapist by betraying you ?


I'm thinking as it's an NHS therapist you can't choose how long to see them for and neither can they, can they ? I mean your therapist will have a boss and that boss will be wanting to know how many patients she is seeing and if she is getting through her case load and so on. I imagine as with most NHS staff that she is under pressure. I personally think that pressure on staff, of time, of resources, of money, is far more likely to be the cause of these circumstances than deliberate, ill willed, mean, betrayal.

I will look at the reading later though....but no personally I don't tend to think you have been betrayed for the above reasons. But I could be wrong of course

Well of course this is complicated. But basically one message to me, another to psychiatrist --which conflicted; a therapist who was the supervisor of my previous one and may have been motivated by guilt to take me on; she is also the bee's knees in the therapy block; mistakenly, she took me on for a quick fix and it did not work very well, but neither she nor anyone else will admit it; embarrassing incompetence of other professionals and very confused and inappropriate decisions - and all without my participation; of course the service will be being rationed - But if you knew the whole story you may get a clear picture. Of course you hear my narrative, but I know how I have experienced the entire kerfuffle and it has felt incredibly traumatic, disjointed, destructive, confusing, senseless, unjust. I am not of course psychotic...and my question was one way of approaching my question about the 'betrayal' because I still cannot make sense of things, and feel so terribly STUCK. I must add that I do not want to believe I have been betrayed, but whatever the so called evidence says, that is how I feel. Abandoned, dropped down a chasm, left in a nightmare that has gone on for months (as you know...) & unable so far to rise above it all.. And clearly Enlightenment is not with me....yet!

 

[rodaki]

My personal view is that the Yi alone is not the best tool in order to disentangle yourself from possible delusions or false ideas - especially if they are bound with strong emotions - and that's because it's all too easy to get more entangled in your own negative images while interpreting the answers

Having said so, your answer says very few things in terms of actually answering your question; instead, it asks you back: are you seeing clearly the sum of these exchanges? Are you staying close to what truly fuels the interactions or flying off and away?

I gather this probably ain't even close to what you're looking for, but it might be best to stop trying to solve the riddle of Yi's answer and focus . . Focus on what helps you feel more grounded and stronger. As it is, staying close to your doubts might just be like adding more fuel into the fires of what consumes you (doubts, hurt and everything else), instead of clarifying things.


If you still want to stay close to Yi (altho I really don't think that's the best strategy for where you are at the moment, but still . .) why not ask with a more positive/productive slant about 'what's the best way/stance to keep towards that group'?


my two cents,
take care!

 

[sooo]

My personal view is that the Yi directs you to gather your light about and within you, the way a hen gathers her chicks and protects and cares for them. Yi does almost seem to ignore the "them" that you were asking about, but isn't that just so typical of the Yi, to redirect your focus on the subject, who is really you, not them. You are even supposed to be their focus, but of course for them it is far too difficult to do that. It's much easier for them to focus on their agenda, which is simply to do their job. You just happen to be the automobile that's in their garage to be tuned up, but once you return too many times and appear as a difficult customer, they cut you off, limit the contact they must have with you, meanwhile the car in question sits out in the parking lot under the sun and rain.

So, it is not up to them, it is up to you. This is the same answer I seem to always offer to you. Dwelling on them, regardless of who they are, is not going to gather your light, it's not going to get yourself together in the way you desire, no matter how many phone calls, emails and snail mails or visits to them you make. It's your light. How you use it is up to you. How they use it is up to them.

I think you should beat your drum, do your dance, celebrate your life. It's your life and your light. Don't let it slip away, don't entrust others with it. This is how I interpret your reading.

 

[Trojina]

Well of course this is complicated. But basically one message to me, another to psychiatrist --which conflicted; a therapist who was the supervisor of my previous one and may have been motivated by guilt to take me on; she is also the bee's knees in the therapy block; mistakenly, she took me on for a quick fix and it did not work very well, but neither she nor anyone else will admit it; embarrassing incompetence of other professionals and very confused and inappropriate decisions - and all without my participation; of course the service will be being rationed - But if you knew the whole story you may get a clear picture. Of course you hear my narrative, but I know how I have experienced the entire kerfuffle and it has felt incredibly traumatic, disjointed, destructive, confusing, senseless, unjust. I am not of course psychotic...and my question was one way of approaching my question about the 'betrayal' because I still cannot make sense of things, and feel so terribly STUCK. I must add that I do not want to believe I have been betrayed, but whatever the so called evidence says, that is how I feel. Abandoned, dropped down a chasm, left in a nightmare that has gone on for months (as you know...) & unable so far to rise above it all.. And clearly Enlightenment is not with me....yet!

Having looked at the reading I can't add much more to what other's have said which I agree with.

But FWIW I think enlightenment or lack of it can be left out of the equation. I'd see your priority as being to live as grounded a life as is possible right now....which does connect to 30 come to think of it. Taking care of the cow, looking after the necessities that fuel your life and keep you feeling safe and whole. Gathering your light as Sooo said.

 

[pocossin]

AM I DELUDING MYSELF?
30.1.3.5.6 > 45

No, you know exactly what you are doing. Endlessly beating your drum. Importuning works only for so long. Then they don't hear you. This time I left your query in shouters. You know you shouldn't use them. It turns people off, and then you get to shout louder. I was in a store and noise was coming through the walls. "Do you want me to speak to them," I asked the clearly annoyed clerk. She didn't say No, so I took it as a Yes. Next door was a store-front Holiness church. There were only two people in a large room -- the preacher and his deacon. With amplifiers blaring, the preacher would shout, and the deacon would shout back, making a continuous stream of noise. In a pause in the shouting I said, "They can hear you next door." "I know that," said the deacon. "God can hear you just as well at a lower volume," I said. "That's true," said the deacon. I left and in a few minutes they turned down the amplifiers. It may seem strange, but people can hear you and are more likely to respond if you speak softly.

 

[NemeanMagik]

My thinking is 'Maybe they missed the point. Maybe they are a bit slow. Maybe I wasn't clear enough'. I genuinely believe they, for some reason, aren't able to comprehend the point.

but I suppose what is really happening is that I am far too trusting and assume what I am saying is easy for any one to absorb, to understand, but the truth is.....................they don't want to. (for whatever reason). Or can't. It wouldn't matter so much if didn't have rightful expectations that they will deliver the service they receive nice salaries for ... But I suppose it is more complicated than that.

Back to the isolation or the depths, the impossibly unremitting drag of life. Must stop looking for assistance. Go back to schizoid living.. interspersed with the occasional lightness of being.....Oh God!

I'll go give the dog a bath.

 

[NemeanMagik]

Yes, thanks Trojan. It is just that that kind of thing is so unsatisfying for me. I try the 'ordinariness' thing which I have had some sense could be quite delightful, you know, the 'chop wood and carry water' thing but it has not yet clicked for me. I am by nature not very practical around the home and all that kind of thing feels so boring and so burdensome and without significance. An error in my character you might say? I am a bit fey,.

 

[stuart]

There you go hex 30 was a day in your life early morning line 1 thoughts go round and round. line 3 midday you still feel unhappy ,line 5 early evening, your more relaxed about it, real change of heart. Line 6 your more positive than negative, but some of the problem still remains. Day is done.

 

[rodaki]

Back to the isolation or the depths, the impossibly unremitting drag of life. Must stop looking for assistance. Go back to schizoid living.. interspersed with the occasional lightness of being.....Oh God!

not sure why it has to be either trying to figure out what's happening with people you don't feel good about OR going back to 'schizoid living'; the way you've spoken of the situation here sounds like a 'no way out, trapped and can't find my way' thing to me but I can't help to think that there must be ways to feel good about yourself, build on that rather than fight people who can't hear you



(btw, no idea what Tom is trying to say in his post, but I do hope we can each make our point without distasteful comments about others' respective views)

 

[goddessliss]

AM I DELUDING MYSELF?
30.1.3.5.6 > 45

No, you know exactly what you are doing. Endlessly beating your drum. Importuning works only for so long. Then they don't hear you. This time I left your query in shouters. You know you shouldn't use them. It turns people off, and then you get to shout louder. I was in a store and noise was coming through the walls. "Do you want me to speak to them," I asked the clearly annoyed clerk. She didn't say No, so I took it as a Yes. Next door was a store-front Holiness church. There were only two people in a large room -- the preacher and his deacon. With amplifiers blaring, the preacher would shout, and the deacon would shout back, making a continuous stream of noise. In a pause in the shouting I said, "They can hear you next door." "I know that," said the deacon. "God can hear you just as well at a lower volume," I said. "That's true," said the deacon. I left and in a few minutes they turned down the amplifiers. It may seem strange, but people can hear you and are more likely to respond if you speak softly.

Doesn't matter whether you shout or not she chooses not to hear It's not they who is not listening it's her.

 

[pocossin]

(btw, no idea what Tom is trying to say in his post, but I do hope we can each make our point without distasteful comments about others' respective views)

Tom is saying, Tone it down, be less demanding, and you will be more successful in life. I recognize the severity of NemeanMagik's problems but do not believe they can be solved by talk.

 

[Trojina]

Yes, thanks Trojan. It is just that that kind of thing is so unsatisfying for me. I try the 'ordinariness' thing which I have had some sense could be quite delightful, you know, the 'chop wood and carry water' thing but it has not yet clicked for me. I am by nature not very practical around the home and all that kind of thing feels so boring and so burdensome and without significance. An error in my character you might say? I am a bit fey,.

Yes, I'm not suggesting that any solution for you is that simple, that chopping wood and so on will make everything alright, if it were that simple you wouldn't have a problem. I do however maintain when the brain and emotions are spinning out of control in terms of anxiety and dread and so on grounding activities are often much better than more meditation, dwelling on enlightenment and so on.

 

[pocossin]

I'll go give the dog a bath.

I think a focus on practical tasks like this are the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

[NemeanMagik]

That is not quite accurate. I appreciate all the comments and advice but at the end of the day you cannot possibly know what is in my pot.

 

[rodaki]

I recognize the severity of NemeanMagik's problems but do not believe they can be solved by talk.

in that we agree

 

[rodaki]

That is not quite accurate. I appreciate all the comments and advice but at the end of the day you cannot possibly know what is in my pot.

obviously not, nor is it in anyone's capacity to get completely in your shoes, not even if others have been thru similar places, nor is it to us to say what is best for you . . We can only suggest things, maybe hint at solutions that that we know might work.

What I saw in your post is that you questioned things that weigh heavily on your emotions and that, even if, the Yi, your inner voice, was trying to point you elsewhere, you weren't able to listen .. All that I commented, for example, in my first response to your query, it was all derived from your 30 to 45 reading, but can you hear it? If it is this that can help you at this point, can you see it?

And another thing; for me, the point in asking Yi is to find your inner voice and knowing. If you can't hear clearly what the answer's telling you (which is, why, I suppose, you came here to share this answer) isn't it better to focus on things that can help you reconnect with your self, rather than trying to find your bearings thru Yi?


.. I just had to share these thoughts with you - you can ignore them, of course, if they don't resonate within
:bows:


be well!
Dora

 

[sooo]

One of the worst feelings is believing that no one could possibly understand, no one knows what's going on inside my pot. But if you'd like to come to AZ to receive health care from the Veteran's Administration, you'd realize, you're far from the only one who no one listens to or cares about from the health care system, particularly a socialized health care system. It can be blamed on work/patient overload, underfunding and sometimes just plain apathy and frustration. Sometimes all the above. Thing is, some really do care, but they seem to be in the rare minority, and not in positions to change the system. Anyway, you're not at all alone. That doesn't mean those who are left to care for themselves need to go into a room, pull down the shades and give in to despair. 30.3 illustrates this clearly: whether we beat our drum and celebrate the life energy we still have, or give in to feelings of abandonment and despair, is our choice. Once you accept this, you'll be in a position to make changes for the better. If you choose not to accept it, you'll remain at the mercy of the system. Not even the finest health care system in the world can help someone who won't help themselves. I know, I was caregiver to someone for decades who would not participate in her own wellness. It took its tole on me. I vowed, never again, nor will I ever place that unfair burden on another. We each have the responsibility to participate in our own wellness, even if it means forgoing the help from those who are not helpful.

Not a message you want to hear, I realize. I expect no "thank you for this helpful post". But so long as you sing the same blues tune, you'll always feel blue. Try singing something yellow, like the sun, and with it, beat a drum. Try laughing while you sing, kiss a baby, hug a friendly dog, snuggle a kitten, leave the fog. Celebrate the life you have while you still have it.

 

[mirian]

Hi NemeanMagik,

I've been sort of following some of your posts and cannot give any better interpretations than you have already had in all those threads. So, what I am going to say is purely a personal view.

I had three therapists in the past. Two psychoanalysts and one psychiatrist. All trying to sort issues related to childhood/upbringing. Even though they had different backgrounds, qualifications and approaches with all of them I experienced a process called transference. No matter what they said, or did or tried. Eventually I got better when I decided to go solo. Not because they were not capable or because I thought that I knew better. Just because they were not there any more and I had nobody to play with the transference.

That is the point I am trying to make here. I read your posts and see you going round in circles after those people, trying to find out whether or not you have been betrayed, trying to clarify "misunderstandings", trying to get answers to your messages, or whatever.

In my opinion, you have become a prisoner in the transference process. No matter what they do or say, they will never fill the roles that you want to put them in.

You have to leave this behind and go solo for a while. You might decide to get back to therapy in the future, if you decide to do so, but for the time being you need to get out of this process.

Freeing yourself from the transference is part of your healing.

Then you will start listening to what people on this forum have been trying to say to you.

 

[NemeanMagik]

Ok, I appreciate all your comments. When the penny drops that needs to drop, the change occurs.
I easily feel judged, condemned by critical comments. (a fault or weakness I have).... If they hit the mark, then maybe you get one reaction or another from me; if they don't quite get there, I need time to reflect. 'Too many words' is something that is a fault of mine, and not being properly earthed is another. Things are of course very complex and many insights might have some truth, but one alone is not going to be necessarily the whole answer. Things can be complex...

Anyway, this morning, since I am in so much mental and emotional pain, feel 'betrayed' (rightly or wrongly), and feel so terribly stuck even now, four months after all this kicked off, .... I asked the question:

"Please give me an image of D's attitude to me"? (The answer seems more to relate to me than to her, as you may see).

HEX 18.2.6 > 15 CORRUPTION/REMEDYING/REPAIR > INTEGRITY/MODESTY.

I have been studying this. At the moment I am feeling quite an impact from this, still considerably 'hurt', (by therapist)..... but.... mixed with excitement of the significance of both lines - in particular, 6. (with help from James DeKorne's website.)

 

[mirian]

Hi NemeanMagik,

I feel genuinely sorry to see that we seem to be back to square one, don't we? You have now asked the Yi to give you an image of D towards you. I am assuming that D is a therapist.

In my view, the real question here is WHY you need to ask that. Why you need this validation so badly that your life revolves around this point. Why D has such a big representation in your life. What role you are transferring to D and why you have the need to do that.

A shame you didn't take my point about transference in a therapeutic process. Again, based on my personal experience, the more you pursue this avenue the further you will be from having your life back to you. :bows:

 

[NemeanMagik]

Hi NemeanMagik,

I feel genuinely sorry to see that we seem to be back to square one, don't we? You have now asked the Yi to give you an image of D towards you. I am assuming that D is a therapist.

In my view, the real question here is WHY you need to ask that. Why you need this validation so badly that your life revolves around this point. Why D has such a big representation in your life. What role you are transferring to D and why you have the need to do that.

A shame you didn't take my point about transference in a therapeutic process. Again, based on my personal experience, the more you pursue this avenue the further you will be from having your life back to you. :bows:

Well the truth is I have been stuck, and probably will be for a while yet, who knows? You may think I am a fool, and maybe I am, but I need a resolution in some way and I can neither find it within nor without. My 'life back' assumes I have had a reasonable life in the first place, which I haven't really. I am struggling to find a way forward but that way forward is not very easy, and despite practical efforts of various kinds, I am coming against all kinds of obstacles.

 

[mirian]

Well the truth is I have been stuck, and probably will be for a while yet, who knows? You may think I am a fool, and maybe I am, but I need a resolution in some way and I can neither find it within nor without.

I don't think that you are a fool at all, quite the opposite, I think that you are an intelligent, articulate, creative person. Everyone has a life, since we are all on this planet. The question is what to do with it.

Sorry to keep repeating myself, but the way you relate to your therapists make them not the answer to your quest.

 

[anemos]

"Please give me an image of D's attitude to me"? (The answer seems more to relate to me than to her, as you may see).

HEX 18.2.6 > 15 CORRUPTION/REMEDYING/REPAIR > INTEGRITY/MODESTY.

If the reading is about her , seems she tried to help you by referring you to another expertise. You mentioned what treatment you have to go through. Yes, seems to be a very complex matter and requires some gentle approach. The goal is to help not to hurt. She may have told you that, i suppose , when she terminate the therapy. She might have told you that all those treatments you have to follow might strengthen you.

In your other thread you said clearly that there is a correlation between what is going on now and what happened when you where a child. its the same story, you need help and noone hear that, or is available. Maybe you feel the same for all of us here and its very understandable, because this is how you have learn it. The story maybe seems similar, but is not.

Neme, my impression is that you're whining, and i say that with care and not in a judgmental way. You approach and express those feeling in a "protected" way. Maybe your 30.5 says to you that it might help to grief for the past, mourn for all those unfair things happened then , get it out of your system. 30.6 is about concentrating on the ringleaders and not the followers.

Transference is tough and very confusing but can free you too because you see the past and present and can put each in their own place, the past its in the past and the ghosts it sends to the present, in other forms, are ghost. Its challenging, its heartbreaking, its confusing. You are not totally confused, there are things you know about that and you know that you are not that little helpless girl anymore. You are a grown up woman , and you are not alone. You have helpers.

Maybe noone can feel how you feel, what you have go through. But there is that little girl that she can understand you, and you can understand her. Go to her room, hug her, tell her that she is not alone anymore, let her cry, listen to her and take her hand and go out of the room, to find help. You have the best helper; both of you can do great things.

That girl needs you neme, and maybe you don't have answers or don't know how to help her and you, but if you start you will find the way. You know many things how to do that, i'm very sure about it although I know its hard to believe it.

that's is the "change of the heart" neme... Its the moment you say " enough !! I'm going to live"... you know nothing about how to do it and things are not different outside... the same $hit... but you are different.

I asked some friends from Uk if the know any place that offer support without charge. The talked about Mind, but I can't recommend it because neither them not me have any first hand experience. if someone else here have more info about the quality of the services, hope they chime in and share it.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

 

[sooo]

Hi Nemean,

A couple items that strike me here:

1. I think the reason that good people stick with you here is because you are obviously a very intelligent person. Intelligent people seem to be prone to deeper and more complex, well, complexes.

2. Is your comment that you don't have a reasonable life in the first place. I see/feel this as the proverbial smoking gun, the crux of this complex. What does having a life mean to you, is a question worth pondering. What do you see as a person who has a life? Is it their job, or their status in society? Is it their acceptance and recognition from others? Is it the validation from some external source? Or, is it simply living authentically, honestly? Isn't that enough to have a life? Lord, I hope it is, because if it isn't, I have no life either - and, there are those who indeed say I don't. I have two responses to that, and neither are polite or socially correct, so in respect to Hilary, I'll leave those responses unwritten, but I think you get the idea. You see, line 6 speaks clearly to this notion, that one does not need to have any of these validations to have a very alive and authentic life. You don't have to answer to the conditions of others, you only need to be able to accept your authentic self (15).

Line 2 says that this self-correction won't happen in an instant. You have to give yourself a break, first. Then giving others, such this other person who asked about, a break will come naturally, because you will no longer need them. They are a habit, for awhile a helpful habit, like smoking, but habits have a way of turning on the one who becomes dependent on them. What I think folks here are trying to help you with is breaking that habit. Sure, it's natural to recoil in protest to being told that you need to quit smoking. I used to hate it, and still don't like being told what I need to do by anyone! grrumph! The only way to quit a habit is the individual themselves deciding they'd rather no longer be dependent on whatever or whomever it is. They would no longer desire to serve kings and princes. They would rather live freely and true to who they genuinely are, even if others don't approve. That's having a life enough.

 

[blue_angel]

Perhaps D sees you as someone with integrity and humility that needs to work on what has spoiled within yourself. Line 2- with great care and sensitivity work on what has been inherited through your mother. This makes me curious if there is anything about D that reminds you of your mother or perhaps D is how you wish your mother would have been. Line 6- D's now outside of this situation and is working on her own life. Perhaps she hopes you can do the same.

 

[mirian]

I am sorry to disagree and repeat that, but how D sees you NemeanMagik is totally irrelevant. This type of need for validation only serves to keep you going in circles within this process. One does need a crystal ball to guess what the next question to the Yi will be. Nothing of this is to your benefit. I cannot help you as you will not listen and interpreting questions about your therapists only serves to reinforce your transference issues, which need resolving in a different way.:bows: