Another relationship question?? Please help...

[jross]

I am writing again to ask for some advice. I have written a number of times with the same question. Some of you may remember - I'll explain in brief.

Stuart and I were dating for 10 months of which I subsequently finished because he was unable to offer me more commitment. At the time, he seemed reluctant for the retaionship to end. Since then we have seen each other casually (always with me asking if we are getting back together - to which he replys "no we're not....I don't know what I want"). So I have tried to reserve my dignity and avoid him at all costs, but he is unable to let go and I am not prepared to continue with things the way they are unless he offers me 100%. I'm not asking for marraige or kids, just a little more emotional support. He was hurt very badly by his previous girlfriend who ran off with his best friend which has made him rather fearful of getting involved again because I think he thinks it may happen again.

As much as I love him I am not prepared to be treated as a substitute for loneliness and deep down I think he knows he has something pretty special with me. I have given him much love and support over the last year or so, but have now moved on and am with someone else who DOES want the marriage and kids, but I'm not sure if he is the ONE I want as I still have Stuart printed firmly in my head. I have not heard from Stuart for a few weeks now and I am sad that maybe it really is over and that he has given up on us and now we are both headed in different directions.

I asked the I Ching yesterday if "at some point in the future I will have to make a choice between the two (or be given the chance to choose between them)" and it came up with Hex 51.2 - changing to 54. Can anyone offer me some advice or help on this please?

I read it as something I have lost perhaps making its way back to me......does this mean Stuart or maybe this is what I am reading it to mean (or hoping it might mean)? Maybe it means letting go and finding my own happiness again?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you to you all.


Love Minne x

 

[matt]

Hey Minnie

When you are involved in such a deep emotional situation, it is often hard to see yourself clearly, so if I may I'll offer an objective view for you, and my words may be embodied in the arousing line of 51.

You broke up with Stuart because he could not offer you 100% committment. You also said that you love him very much but you are not prepared to be treated as a substitute for lonliness. Both of these reasons are excellent points, and you have seen his situation very clearly, however, you are not seeing your own situation clearly.

You are in a relationship now with another man, and your mind and heart still lingers on Stuart. In fact, it lingers so much on him, that you are hoping he will find his way back to you. You dread that he may have recovered from your relationship and has moved on with his life, because this would mean he no longer holds any thoughts of getting back together with you. Your future hopes of happiness seem to be with Stuart, not the guy you are currently with.

Although, you are doing exactly the same thing as Stuart did in your past relationship - you are not giving 100% to you current man. There is no way you can be giving anywhere near 100% if you are still having such thoughts about a past boyfriend. You said you will not Stuarts substitute for linliness; this also yields the question - is the current man you are with a substitute for your lonliness?

So the two things that you feel Stuart may have done in your past relationship - not giving 100% and substituting you for his own lonliness - are actually the two things you are now playing out in your current relationship.

I think the questions you should be asking should be about yourself, rather than future possibilities of romance with your ex. You can either stay with the man you are with now... but you have to let Stuart go completely, and give 100% to this current guy (you cannot do this until you let Stuart go) - or you re-establish what is important to you right now in your life. Ask yourself if your current relationship is a substitute for your own lonliness. Ask yourself what you want, and rather than be hesitant about it, just follow your hearts wishes.

And a last word of advice - try not to get too caught up in the I Ching side of things at the moment. I know this is an I Ching forum, but if you want to ask a question or gather support, post your question anyway, there will be people here to help you. Sometimes if we are confused about matters - particularly the complexities of love!! - divination can only confuse matters more. Before you start asking the I Ching any more questions, you will need to ask yourself what is important in your life first of all, and really think about your current relationship - are you doing the same thing to this current guy that Stuart did to you?

I apologise if I spoke bluntly, its normally my way, you cant get to the heart of the matter with fluffy hopes and flowery smiles.

 

[jross]

Dear Matt,

Thank you so very much for your comments and kind words - nothing that you have said has been at all blunt and more importantly everything you have said has been very honest.

I agree with you in everything you have said, especially when it comes to my current man - I am so very fond of him really I am, and I know how lucky I am. Everytime I think about it, I feel like my heart is breaking, but what am I to do? Truthfully, I do care for him very much and I want this to work. I actually feel like this could be a case of growing to love him. Isn't that a better bet than falling in lust and the pain that goes with it? I am torn.

Again you are right about the I Ching, as always I am looking for answers where in fact there may be none. It is a very unhappy situation that I am in - I want nothing more than to move on from this. Perhaps this is something that will take some time.

I have been hurt so very badly in the past - I was with a man for 12 years - some of my teens and all of my twenties were devoted to him. We were engaged and then two years ago (I had just turned 30) he annouced to me that he was confused about his sexuality and subsequently moved in with a man. I was heartbroken. I was once a very virtious and innocent young thing (some people would call it naive) and now because of circumstance I am left with little trust. Unfortunately, sometimes I rely too strongly on answers from either the I Ching or other forms of medium. I often feel like I am constantly looking for answers in search of a happier more contented life. I always seem to look for it in relationships.

Thank you again Matt.

Minnie x

 

[matt]

Hey Minnie

You are welcome, dont worry about it

I'll ask you a question and take some time to think over it, although you might not need it; which man feels like a true friend to you?

The only reason I ask this question is because it define clearly the boundaries between love and lust/physical attraction. Loves greatest 'friend' is indeed the friendship that exists between two people. A lustful physical attraction will certainly have lots of sparks, lots of energy, but it will also have a lack of emotional warmth and mental compaionship. A lustful physical/encounter can be very powerful, invigorating and stimulating, although it can also become a power struggle, and lacks the endurance of time.

Friendship in love is easy to see when you know what to look for. It will be the man who is always there for you, listens to your needs and wants, puts your feelings ahead of his own, because this is what a man should do. It will be the man who you feel comfortable with, at ease with, the man who makes you smile more than he makes you wince with pain. Friendhsip love is enduring, it lasts the test of time.

But you might say; what about the challenge!? If a relationship is too harmonious, how will we ever grow from each other, how will there be a dynamic stimulation between us? Well, you wont actually know if these things exist with your current man at the moment because you are focusing all of your dynamic energy onto Stuart, so you are leaving little opportunity for the same kind of sparks with your current guy. But dont worry about that for the time being, the important thing to ask yourself, is which man is your true friend... then you will start to get somewhere.

 

[jross]

Thank you again Matt.

I am learning great lessons in life from all that I am experiencing right now. There is much to be said of pain and how it makes you feel and the scars it leaves behind.

What you said in your last thread has brought me to tears, because everything you say about love is in Simon, not Stuart - Simon has provided me with such warmth, love and support. And in my hour of darkness he was there for me like no other......and is always there for me when I need him. He always puts my feelings ahead of his own. He is my best friend in all the world.

I think I have my answer.

Thank you Matt.

Minnie

 

[martin]

Yes, but ... I think for a good love relationship you really need both, real friendship and physical attraction. A lover is more than a real friend ..
And good old fashioned lust is not to be sneered at.

I believe that physical attraction is at least partly genetically determined. In animals it is a signal that indicates that the partners are genetically compatible and can have healthy offspring.
And animals listen to these signals. Not enough physical attraction equals NO, period, regardless of how sweet the boy or girl behaves.
But humans are confused, too many ideas in their heads, religious and otherwise, that make it difficult for them to hear what their biology is trying to tell them.
Yet, if there is no "biology" - or not enough - a love relationship has no base.

Now I don't know how it is with Simon, Minnie, if you two feel physically attracted, fine.
But if there is a lack on that level, I would think twice. Real friendship, however valuable, can ultimately not compensate for that, not in a love relationship. At least that is my experience. I have been there.