Boss is flirting with me, how to handle it? 23.4 > 35

[Liselle]

Which was the dilemma all along, I guess, a tradeoff between putting up with his behavior sort of in return for him putting up with, as you said, some attendance issues or what-have-you. This wouldn't have been conscious, most likely.

Of course you shouldn't have to put up with it, but objectively neither should he, really, especially if you're "marginally" below average compared with other employees.

"Marginally" is interesting. He's not saying you're a disaster. Do you think you could strive for just enough improvement to be average? Do you have an idea what average is?

Wondering a little bit if this might have been part of 28 to 56. 56 is about being a good tourist, fitting in well enough not to get into trouble.

 

[thisismybody]

Congrats on speaking up! It’s good to flex it and to figure out when it’s necessary. But it sounds like the hat flicking is how you treat a kid. And only what someone like a brother would do. Like when someone is a bit annoyed with you, but likes you anyway. If he disliked you, you’d know it and he certainly wouldn’t be so near you.

But I imagine your defensiveness or discomfort has also put him off and at odds with you, so your work as an employee is put on the radar. I read once that people promote people they like, not who is a better employee. So if you create hard boundaries, which is fine, you’re telling him you’re not friends, that you‘re uncomfortable with him. So his reaction isn’t a surprise. Expect it. You’ve drawn the line in the sand.

I imagine none of that is helpful, though. Just know that when you pull the professional card with a boss, they feel obligated to act like a boss and professional, which means judging your work. Interpersonal work relationships are dicey and take skill at navigating. I feel for you.

What will always help when it comes to work is showing up on time. No matter how great a person you are, people hate tardiness. They typically find it disrespectful and immature. So just be aware of your own behaviors. When you’re toeing the line and doing what’s expecting, no one can say sh*t and you‘ll find it easier to receive respect, in general, and when someone crosses you. It will also give weight to any of your complaints.

 

[thisismybody]

Men are exhausting and childish.

And one last thing…beliefs that are generalizations like this will only hurt you and your relationships. In fact, the energy behind them infuses all of your dealings with men. I’ve had to analyze my own over the years and found when I let go of my man-hating, I had a lot better experiences with men. Perhaps, you’re experiencing what you believe is true or only seeing what you believe is true. Men are a lot of things. They have wonderful characteristics. I imagine your supervisor has some good qualities too. Maybe it would help to look for them? What I know to be true is, men are not the enemy. Maybe 23.4 is that your feelings about men inevitably strip away your security? Or not. Take or leave it.

 

[steve]

The guy must have said it loud enough so you heard it, his ego has been bruised so maybe trying to save face. I think you have got the result you wanted. Basically, he has been rejected or by saying your average makes him justify his actions. Would have been funny if his mate said, "why the change of heart you seemed pretty sweet on her last week"? He is not going to say "oh I flicked her hat and she basically told me to buzz off".

You rejected him he didnt reject you, nothing can change that.

 

[Liselle]

Good point, Steve. I never considered that, that what he said might've been fake. (Rolling my eyes at myself now...)

 

[steve]

Good point, Steve. I never considered that, that what he said might've been fake. (Rolling my eyes at myself now...)

At least he got the message I guess, he is covering himself too I guess making it appear in public that he is not interested. Maybe he realised oh crap what if she does make a complaint. Its all guess work we can only go by the facts.

 

[floranova]

Which was the dilemma all along, I guess, a tradeoff between putting up with his behavior sort of in return for him putting up with, as you said, some attendance issues or what-have-you. This wouldn't have been conscious, most likely.

Of course you shouldn't have to put up with it, but objectively neither should he, really, especially if you're "marginally" below average compared with other employees.

"Marginally" is interesting. He's not saying you're a disaster. Do you think you could strive for just enough improvement to be average? Do you have an idea what average is?

Wondering a little bit if this might have been part of 28 to 56. 56 is about being a good tourist, fitting in well enough not to get into trouble.

That's reasonable, I'm just trying to get my shit together after a leak in my new apartment. I haven't heard anything negative since that exchange with one of the store directors, we just don't talk as much. I think he's getting the hint, he hasn't stood too close to me or made any weird comments so that's a relief. I'm still going to try not to give him a reason to want to get rid of me though. A few of my coworkers are leaving so he can't really afford to anyway

 

[floranova]

Congrats on speaking up! It’s good to flex it and to figure out when it’s necessary. But it sounds like the hat flicking is how you treat a kid. And only what someone like a brother would do. Like when someone is a bit annoyed with you, but likes you anyway. If he disliked you, you’d know it and he certainly wouldn’t be so near you.

But I imagine your defensiveness or discomfort has also put him off and at odds with you, so your work as an employee is put on the radar. I read once that people promote people they like, not who is a better employee. So if you create hard boundaries, which is fine, you’re telling him you’re not friends, that you‘re uncomfortable with him. So his reaction isn’t a surprise. Expect it. You’ve drawn the line in the sand.

I imagine none of that is helpful, though. Just know that when you pull the professional card with a boss, they feel obligated to act like a boss and professional, which means judging your work. Interpersonal work relationships are dicey and take skill at navigating. I feel for you.

What will always help when it comes to work is showing up on time. No matter how great a person you are, people hate tardiness. They typically find it disrespectful and immature. So just be aware of your own behaviors. When you’re toeing the line and doing what’s expecting, no one can say sh*t and you‘ll find it easier to receive respect, in general, and when someone crosses you. It will also give weight to any of your complaints.

You know what's interesting? He's always significantly more late than me, to the extent that his famously laid back assistant manager has been getting very snippy with him. I'll still try though, better not to have any negative reputation at all.

 

[floranova]

And one last thing…beliefs that are generalizations like this will only hurt you and your relationships. In fact, the energy behind them infuses all of your dealings with men. I’ve had to analyze my own over the years and found when I let go of my man-hating, I had a lot better experiences with men. Perhaps, you’re experiencing what you believe is true or only seeing what you believe is true. Men are a lot of things. They have wonderful characteristics. I imagine your supervisor has some good qualities too. Maybe it would help to look for them? What I know to be true is, men are not the enemy. Maybe 23.4 is that your feelings about men inevitably strip away your security? Or not. Take or leave it.

I do have a tendency there. I have some PTSD related to an incident with a man and watched my mom be abused a lot of my life. It's hard not to see them all as monsters sometimes. I'm just unlucky enough to have been exposed to the worst of them much more than the good in them, but I have seen it.

 

[floranova]

The guy must have said it loud enough so you heard it, his ego has been bruised so maybe trying to save face. I think you have got the result you wanted. Basically, he has been rejected or by saying your average makes him justify his actions. Would have been funny if his mate said, "why the change of heart you seemed pretty sweet on her last week"? He is not going to say "oh I flicked her hat and she basically told me to buzz off".

You rejected him he didnt reject you, nothing can change that.

I can't act like I haven't felt that way too hahaha

 

[Liselle]

leak in my new apartment.

Oh no! Grr.

He's always significantly more late than me

Good grief. Am rolling my eyes at him.

 

[floranova]

Oh no! Grr.

Good grief. Am rolling my eyes at him.

Isn't he something?

 

[ontheroad]

When you have PTSD you always 'feel' and attract the abusers or those who have a history of trauma themselves first. Your brain has rewired itself to be on high alert just in case you're not safe.

 

[floranova]

Update: my female coworker I mentioned was having a tense conversation with my boss, so when we were alone I asked for her phone number and texted her what's going on. Here's her response:

"I understand completely, he has been in trouble a few times because he is kinda aggressive with girls, the thing is you get out of the department or don't say anything. Because if you say anything to him then he will retaliate against you. That is why he is the way with me and [X]. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but he won't stop, a girl that worked in [X] quit because he wouldn't leave her alone."

Ah. Checks out. I had a feeling it was kind of a personality trait of his. I'm laying low for now but on the lookout for other positions within the store or possibly elsewhere, but all my readings about a completely new job have seemed to say "don't do it" so we shall see