Deteriorating position with daughter

[butterfly spider]

Hello
Sorry to bother you on almost the same subject. I went to see my daughter last week at home - she was a bit shakey. I left last Friday to work away. Yesterday she phoned in a terrible down state (she has bipolar). Her dad is going up to see her - she has a PIP interview on Wednesday which is causing her anxiety

I want to go up with my son aged 15 tomorrow to help her - and asked the I Ching how best to help. My son has his exams soon and will find it hard to focus at the house but they are only exams and my daughter needs some support

My casting was 51.4 to 24 which is difficult to interpret but is to do with emotional turmoil I think - but whose. My other daughter is finding this difficult and is not coping at all.

Why am Finding the situation with my daughter so hard to manage

 

[butterfly spider]

The question has to so with wether I should expend my energies on going to see her or give my son priority and travel elsewhere. The last time her dad went on his own things went pear shaped. Can I avoid this happening by going to see her tomorrow (it is a 7 hour
Car journey). Or do I just let things alone and see how
They pan out

That was my question
X

 

[Trojina]

I want to go up with my son aged 15 tomorrow to help her - and asked the I Ching how best to help. My son has his exams soon and will find it hard to focus at the house but they are only exams and my daughter needs some support

They would be mock exams I imagine this early in the year ? My opinion here is please put your son first at this time. They aren't 'only exams' they will affect his whole future. If you go to your daughter the same things will happen...it's an ongoing thing. But a 15 year old taking exams is only 15 year old taking exams once. His education matters and I don't feel he should be unduly affected by his sister's issues. It's not his problem. That was nothing to do with Yi it was just my opinion


51.4 shows the shock makes one unable to think clearly....and perhaps that's why this seems so clear to me. If you think his exams are less important than her issues now then you aren't thinking clearly. I mean she is always going to need some kind of help...you pour endless energy into her situation. But your son needs all your support so he can do well at school and go to college or uni...and he's still a kid.

I don't understand that you think his exams are 'only exams'. They will affect his whole future. These days you can't even get jobs without qualifications. Also he may be mad with you in later life if he thinks you neglected his priorities right now. Whether you think exams matter or not his future will be be affected by them.

 

[Trojina]

she has a PIP interview on Wednesday which is causing her anxiety

well the more anxiety the better since they need to see her when she's ill. I mean if she is calm and rational she will seem well and will be less likely to get PIP.


I mean you know the whole scenario better than I....but I do remember readings and I know you had a reading telling you to try to let go of the family stuff with daughters. You also said in the 'Aha' section your daughter beat you up last time. You can't let your son see you get beat up.

Just seems to me you keep getting sucked in where you need to leave alone. Doesn't matter who is there they will make their PIP assessment anyway....if she seems crazy she is more likely to get it.

You know best...you must use your judgment but 51.4 shows unclear thinking and a need to rouse oneself to sharper thinking

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you Am lying in bed worrying about what to do early tomorrow. You are right in that I can't think clearly - and am getting everything out of sync. Am feeling a bit unwell too - which doesn't help clear thinking

The main GCSE exams are in 3 weeks time and the house in Wales is not suitable ATM - plus very stuccoed tense atmosphere. If I am thinking if him I would head to Somerset tomorrow and support him there. I do think my daughter needs my help and support but on my visit last week she hit me several times who h is why I left - and is possibly a reason why she is now unwell - she was really trying to be nice and had put out flowers and made cakes. A part of me desperately wants her to be OK. She did so many exams and got 10 Astars - and it has made not a jot of difference - my other daughter did too.

Clear thinking is needed here - and I am not thinking rationally. Probably too tired and exhausted from working

Thank you will sleep on it and think again in the morning

 

[butterfly spider]

I am now sitting in my flat in Somerset with my son. We didnt go and see my daughter. My unwell daughter is with her father walking onthe beach. She is not well poor thing but is just about functioning. We will see over the next few days - but my son is safe and in his room with his work and instruments and was very happy not to have to travel to a place of dysfunction.

I was not thinking clearly at all - and has it not been for Trojina and the I Ching I would not be here enjoying a cup of coffee in the sunshine. Time enough for worry later. Priorities ....
X

 

[Trojina]

I better add that's not a smug grin by any means. I feel another priority for you is ensuring your daughter does not hit you anymore....ever. I don't know how you achieve this but I do know it isn't reasonable or acceptable to receive such violence.

7 hours is a long journey and I'm glad your son can focus on his own concerns this weekend rather than go into that distressing space.

I do think my daughter needs my help and support but on my visit last week she hit me several times who h is why I left - and is possibly a reason why she is now unwell - she was really trying to be nice and had put out flowers and made cakes. A part of me desperately wants her to be OK. She did so many exams and got 10 Astars - and it has made not a jot of difference - my other daughter did too

.


But you never know, your daughters are still young, their Astars may assist them in later life. And also just because their exams made no difference to them so far, doesn't mean it won't to your son who isn't showing signs of their illness.

Re what I underlined about how desperately you want her to be well...I wonder if she ever feels this as a kind of pressure ? Often people are selective about what they tell their mothers because mothers sometimes cannot tolerate their adult children's suffering to the point where it can feel like the mother is adding a pressure by implying "if you go on being ill/unhappy it makes me unhappy". If that makes sense. She may want to please you by getting better, being who you want her to be...but she can't, it's too hard right now. That she tried to please with you with cakes and flowers shows how much effort she makes to please....but she cannot please you by being well. It's too much. I wondered if she felt that expectation as being heavy and that is what made her mad with you.


However I'm not suggesting for one moment that her violence is justified in any way...only that the desire to please her mother proves too much ? I don't know...just a thought, if it's not relevant discard...

 

[peter2610]

Daughter and son.

Hello Butterfly,

So glad you've arrived at this position, with help from Trojina's excellent advice. Mock results can have a strong influence on a pupil's confidence and effort-level. Oddly enough a poor mock result will often lead to reduced effort on a subject rather than increased effort. Either way, the final results can have a long-lasting influence on any pupil's options and choices.
Also, there might be some advantage in both yourself and your daughter's father arriving at independent views on the situation, especially if you can share your views freely with each other.
Hoping this works out well for both your son and your daughter.
Peter