Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
In many ways, I have lived a life full of "Love"; yet I have never been "in love".
Although this question is specifically about my current romantic situation, it is really about the shape of my life as a whole. I will have to get to my reading in a very roundabout way, but it is quite a story & I hope I can present it in an interesting way.
Edit: This has become incredibly long so here is a short summary:
After a profound experienced aged 10, I have spent most of my life seeking to understand & be within "The Light". I quit Oxford University to become a singer/songwriter, poet & artist, and travelled round the world for 9 months with a backpack and a guitar. After a year at music school, I went travelling again. I collapsed in a jungle, and was diagnosed with leukaemia.
After 3 months in isolation, I was told there was "nothing they could do". I was 21. Initially, I tried to distract myself, but one night, sat meditating alone, I surrendered to it. My whole being was filled with light. I came to in a state of bliss. Shortly after I was told I had spontaneously gone into remission.
In the 2 years since, I have struggled to integrate this blissful state into my daily life, but am finally reaching a point where I can experience both the real world, and this "other world". My life is going great. I'm doing well as an artist, speaker & thinker. I have friends, am recovering physically, and feel confident and admired. The one area of my life which is still unfulfilled is romantic love.
I asked the I Ching "why haven't I met her yet?", and got 63.1.2.6 -> 57 (Already Across -> Subtly Penetrating)
If that's peaked your interest, it is a cool story & I enjoyed writing it. Feel free to skim/skip though. Would love your interpretations.
I grew up in the countryside, an only child, an introverted, artistic type. I was sheltered, and deeply romantic (small r & big R), writing poetry, being in nature, dreaming of falling in love. From an early age, I had profound spiritual experiences. The first I can remember is being aged 10 years old, perched on the edge of a cliff in Vriestaat, South Africa. I was eating an orange, when I looked up & was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the Savannah that it seemed to me I passed into another world - a spiritual "ether", illuminated with light. For years after, I would experience this "ether" in a dream. I am floating in front of a great, grey surface. When I was younger, I thought of it as a cliff-face - now as a mirror, or a veil. It seems to completely surround me, yet to be completely flat.
I returned back to my body. As I wandered back down, I made a pact with myself - that I was willing to sacrifice my enjoyment of my younger years, in order to seek out & discover what this "ether" was, and how to experience it again. This was the beginning of my spiritual journey. I began to write poetry, play classical piano & record insights. Yet as much as I yearned for this, I yearned more than anything to be loved, by a woman. I fell deeply, intensely, passionately in love with so many girls in my teenage years, but this simple need was never met. This culminated with a girl called Scarlet. For two years, every thing I did was to become good enough to earn her love. When I finally confessed this, she apologised & said she thought of me as a friend. As I sat, crying, alone on the bench, I made a vow never to feel this way again. I intentionally explored my dark side, became aloof & disdainful. From this point on, I prioritised the other quest - for "Love Itself", rather than to be loved.
The remaining few years of my life have been extraordinarily challenging, transformational, terrifying, excruciating & filled with indescribable joy. I wouldn't change a second of it.
After school, I went to Oxford University, to study Politics, Philosophy & Economics. I hated it. I thought studying Philosophy would bring me to open minded people, but it was the exact opposite - I saw people coming out more close-minded than they went it. I began to realised this "Truth" that I was seeking, that would give me access to the world of light & ether, did not belong here. I developed bipolar, become disenchanted & suicidal, culminating in a total breakdown. I was given a year off, & returned home, utterly ashamed & hopeless.
Six months passed. By accident, I ended up at a songwriting course at Arvon (on Ted Hughes' old farm). There I discovered a talent for songwriting, and felt joy I had rarely experienced in the "real world". One night, pacing excitedly across my wood-beamed bedroom, it struck me like lightning - this is what I will do with my life - what I have to do - am here for! The next day, I quit Oxford, & a few weeks later set out on a 9 month trip around the world, with just a backpack & a guitar. I meditated under the Bodhi tree, nearly joined a cult, took a lot of psychadelics, spent six weeks in the same room, almost went to Rihanna's birthday party - all this culminated in a return to Vriestaat, SA, where I had first had my vision. I was 19. I remembered that pact I made, to sacrifice happiness now for eventual fulfilment. I had not imagined it would be this hard or long, but I felt recommitted to this journey.
I spent a year at music school in London, where I met fellow seekers, took more psychadelics & experienced many intense experiences of "The Light" - dancing across an industrial estate in the grey post-rave dawn; vision questing in an ancient forest; listening bare-footed to the birds after a long night of the soul. I wrote obsessively: poems, journals, theories, all with one goal - to find a way to access "The Golden World" at will. My highs became higher & my lows lower.
That summer I went travelling again. I visited Vietnam, Laos & was on my way to Thailand. I got on a steamboat, going down the Mekong river. A couple of other travellers invited me to join them for a trek into the jungle. A few hours in, I collapsed & was taken to hospital. I was diagnosed with leukaemia.
My first reaction to hearing this was "of course". Perhaps it was shock or denial, but in that moment all the world fell away & I was left completely present. I thought "of course, this is the final stage of my transformation, that will initiate me into that "Other World". I flew home & was put into isolation (leukaemia leaves you with no immune system). I spent most of the next 6 months in isolation. After 3 months, I was told "there's nothing we can do".
I remember the first thing I did was walk into the park, and watched the children playing on the merry-go-round. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day. I called my childhood friend, George, and said "this is it. I'm not going to get to be a musician. We're not going to get to go on the roadtrip across America that we'd always planned. I'm never going to fall in love, have kids, grow old".
For the next few weeks, I tried to distract myself in any way possible. It was like keeping my head above water, above this abominable darkness. Slowly, though, I began to realise that all I was afraid of was "my imagined life". I changed my lifestyle, & started meditating. One night, I looked down into that darkness. I felt like I was falling into the black, and then suddenly my whole being was illuminated by Light, and was no longer falling but floating in pure ether. I had looked into the deepest, darkest part of my soul, and found not a monster but Love Itself. I had surrendered to death, and found myself more alive than I could have every imagined. All fear, shame, need fell away. I wandered through the countryside of my youth, completely serene.
Then I got a phonecall. My blood test results were back. I had gone, spontaneously, into remission.
I will not try to explain what I felt at that moment. What I can say is that I feel, deeply, that I have in some sense been shown a vision of "heaven", or life after death - which is to say, not what happens when you physically expire, but the state you can dwell in once you submit to death, and discover that there is no death.
That was two & a half years ago. Directly after, I had to have a bone marrow transplant. This was by far the most painful & difficult part of the process. Following this I spent three months in isolation in a flat. The last few years have been a gradual adjustment back into society. For long periods, I have lost all contact with "the other side", felt I had lost it forever. Yet every time, after months of confusion, I would be struck by an experience of such ecstatic, divine beauty that I can only smile, and say "of course".
It has been hard balancing my life in the two world - the "Real" world I had discovered, and "the real world" (mortgages, chores - but also society, friendship, community). I am, slowly, integrating this experience. Almost daily, I have some encounter with "The Light", a quiet shiver of pure joy. At the same time, I am forging a path back into the world - I perform a one man show of music, poetry & stories about my experience called "Dear Lady Death". I am an inspirational speaker, am playing at festivals this summer, and am writing a book. I have a great relationship with my family, and am slowly reconnecting with friends. I finally feel I am finding a balance between the two worlds, and can move between them, if not "at will", then when I feel prompted to do so.
The one constant, though, has been my lack of romantic love. Since getting ill, I haven't been intimate with anyone in any way. I have, many times, almost gone on a date, almost slept with someone, only to be foiled. I'm told I'm good looking, I'm secure in myself & I get a fair amount of attention from "women" in the general sense. But it seems the universe has been actively stopping me from falling in love. A date with a girl I liked, was cancelled 6 times for various reasons. A close friend, mutually attracted, suddenly met someone else. And so on.
Last week, I was lying in bed, and I realised that that part of me that vowed never to be heartbroken again, had never gone away. That I didn't actually want to fall in love with any of the women I nearly slept with, just to stop being alone, to break my dry "streak". I conducted active imagination with my 17 year old self (when I made that vow), and have been meditating a lot, allowing my heart to open. It has been very hard, and I have been sensitive. Last night, a girl I had had a crush on for a long time invited me over to her place for dinner. We drank some wine, & got pleasantly high - we were sat on the sofa, and I leaned in to kiss her. She cried "oh my god no! Oh why did you have to do that? You're my friend that I have deep conversations with". I went home & got drunk & cried about a girl for the first time since Scarlet rejected me.
Then, about 5am, I had a realisation. I didn't really care that I didn't love this girl . I realised, that (I think) the universe has been denying me any form of consummation, because I had to learn to stop seeking a meaningless fling and open myself up to falling in love again. I felt a stillness in my heart. I decided to wait. That I wanted my second "first time" to be with someone special. "Of course", my heart seemed to say.
Tonight, I have once again been feeling pretty awful. There is so many years of repressed romantic love, so much heartbreak, I don't know how long I'm going to feel this emotional & acutely alone, but I hope it's not too long. I've suffered a lot, and I could really use a cuddle, and a kind word.
Then it occured to me that I hadn't thrown the I Ching in a while. I threw it & got
63.1.2.6 -> 57
Already Across -> Subtly Penetrating
My changing lines are:
1.'Your wheels dragged back, your tail soaked – no mistake.'
2.'A wife loses her carriage screen – don't chase it.
On the seventh day, gain.'
6.'Soaking your head. Danger.'
If you've continued reading to this point, well done & thank you for indulging my catharsis! I hope it was interesting. If you skipped to the bottom, also cool.
I'm quite out of practise with the I Ching, so if you would be up for helping me understand this reading better, I would really appreciate it.
Go well,
Tom
Although this question is specifically about my current romantic situation, it is really about the shape of my life as a whole. I will have to get to my reading in a very roundabout way, but it is quite a story & I hope I can present it in an interesting way.
Edit: This has become incredibly long so here is a short summary:
After a profound experienced aged 10, I have spent most of my life seeking to understand & be within "The Light". I quit Oxford University to become a singer/songwriter, poet & artist, and travelled round the world for 9 months with a backpack and a guitar. After a year at music school, I went travelling again. I collapsed in a jungle, and was diagnosed with leukaemia.
After 3 months in isolation, I was told there was "nothing they could do". I was 21. Initially, I tried to distract myself, but one night, sat meditating alone, I surrendered to it. My whole being was filled with light. I came to in a state of bliss. Shortly after I was told I had spontaneously gone into remission.
In the 2 years since, I have struggled to integrate this blissful state into my daily life, but am finally reaching a point where I can experience both the real world, and this "other world". My life is going great. I'm doing well as an artist, speaker & thinker. I have friends, am recovering physically, and feel confident and admired. The one area of my life which is still unfulfilled is romantic love.
I asked the I Ching "why haven't I met her yet?", and got 63.1.2.6 -> 57 (Already Across -> Subtly Penetrating)
If that's peaked your interest, it is a cool story & I enjoyed writing it. Feel free to skim/skip though. Would love your interpretations.
I grew up in the countryside, an only child, an introverted, artistic type. I was sheltered, and deeply romantic (small r & big R), writing poetry, being in nature, dreaming of falling in love. From an early age, I had profound spiritual experiences. The first I can remember is being aged 10 years old, perched on the edge of a cliff in Vriestaat, South Africa. I was eating an orange, when I looked up & was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the Savannah that it seemed to me I passed into another world - a spiritual "ether", illuminated with light. For years after, I would experience this "ether" in a dream. I am floating in front of a great, grey surface. When I was younger, I thought of it as a cliff-face - now as a mirror, or a veil. It seems to completely surround me, yet to be completely flat.
I returned back to my body. As I wandered back down, I made a pact with myself - that I was willing to sacrifice my enjoyment of my younger years, in order to seek out & discover what this "ether" was, and how to experience it again. This was the beginning of my spiritual journey. I began to write poetry, play classical piano & record insights. Yet as much as I yearned for this, I yearned more than anything to be loved, by a woman. I fell deeply, intensely, passionately in love with so many girls in my teenage years, but this simple need was never met. This culminated with a girl called Scarlet. For two years, every thing I did was to become good enough to earn her love. When I finally confessed this, she apologised & said she thought of me as a friend. As I sat, crying, alone on the bench, I made a vow never to feel this way again. I intentionally explored my dark side, became aloof & disdainful. From this point on, I prioritised the other quest - for "Love Itself", rather than to be loved.
The remaining few years of my life have been extraordinarily challenging, transformational, terrifying, excruciating & filled with indescribable joy. I wouldn't change a second of it.
After school, I went to Oxford University, to study Politics, Philosophy & Economics. I hated it. I thought studying Philosophy would bring me to open minded people, but it was the exact opposite - I saw people coming out more close-minded than they went it. I began to realised this "Truth" that I was seeking, that would give me access to the world of light & ether, did not belong here. I developed bipolar, become disenchanted & suicidal, culminating in a total breakdown. I was given a year off, & returned home, utterly ashamed & hopeless.
Six months passed. By accident, I ended up at a songwriting course at Arvon (on Ted Hughes' old farm). There I discovered a talent for songwriting, and felt joy I had rarely experienced in the "real world". One night, pacing excitedly across my wood-beamed bedroom, it struck me like lightning - this is what I will do with my life - what I have to do - am here for! The next day, I quit Oxford, & a few weeks later set out on a 9 month trip around the world, with just a backpack & a guitar. I meditated under the Bodhi tree, nearly joined a cult, took a lot of psychadelics, spent six weeks in the same room, almost went to Rihanna's birthday party - all this culminated in a return to Vriestaat, SA, where I had first had my vision. I was 19. I remembered that pact I made, to sacrifice happiness now for eventual fulfilment. I had not imagined it would be this hard or long, but I felt recommitted to this journey.
I spent a year at music school in London, where I met fellow seekers, took more psychadelics & experienced many intense experiences of "The Light" - dancing across an industrial estate in the grey post-rave dawn; vision questing in an ancient forest; listening bare-footed to the birds after a long night of the soul. I wrote obsessively: poems, journals, theories, all with one goal - to find a way to access "The Golden World" at will. My highs became higher & my lows lower.
That summer I went travelling again. I visited Vietnam, Laos & was on my way to Thailand. I got on a steamboat, going down the Mekong river. A couple of other travellers invited me to join them for a trek into the jungle. A few hours in, I collapsed & was taken to hospital. I was diagnosed with leukaemia.
My first reaction to hearing this was "of course". Perhaps it was shock or denial, but in that moment all the world fell away & I was left completely present. I thought "of course, this is the final stage of my transformation, that will initiate me into that "Other World". I flew home & was put into isolation (leukaemia leaves you with no immune system). I spent most of the next 6 months in isolation. After 3 months, I was told "there's nothing we can do".
I remember the first thing I did was walk into the park, and watched the children playing on the merry-go-round. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day. I called my childhood friend, George, and said "this is it. I'm not going to get to be a musician. We're not going to get to go on the roadtrip across America that we'd always planned. I'm never going to fall in love, have kids, grow old".
For the next few weeks, I tried to distract myself in any way possible. It was like keeping my head above water, above this abominable darkness. Slowly, though, I began to realise that all I was afraid of was "my imagined life". I changed my lifestyle, & started meditating. One night, I looked down into that darkness. I felt like I was falling into the black, and then suddenly my whole being was illuminated by Light, and was no longer falling but floating in pure ether. I had looked into the deepest, darkest part of my soul, and found not a monster but Love Itself. I had surrendered to death, and found myself more alive than I could have every imagined. All fear, shame, need fell away. I wandered through the countryside of my youth, completely serene.
Then I got a phonecall. My blood test results were back. I had gone, spontaneously, into remission.
I will not try to explain what I felt at that moment. What I can say is that I feel, deeply, that I have in some sense been shown a vision of "heaven", or life after death - which is to say, not what happens when you physically expire, but the state you can dwell in once you submit to death, and discover that there is no death.
That was two & a half years ago. Directly after, I had to have a bone marrow transplant. This was by far the most painful & difficult part of the process. Following this I spent three months in isolation in a flat. The last few years have been a gradual adjustment back into society. For long periods, I have lost all contact with "the other side", felt I had lost it forever. Yet every time, after months of confusion, I would be struck by an experience of such ecstatic, divine beauty that I can only smile, and say "of course".
It has been hard balancing my life in the two world - the "Real" world I had discovered, and "the real world" (mortgages, chores - but also society, friendship, community). I am, slowly, integrating this experience. Almost daily, I have some encounter with "The Light", a quiet shiver of pure joy. At the same time, I am forging a path back into the world - I perform a one man show of music, poetry & stories about my experience called "Dear Lady Death". I am an inspirational speaker, am playing at festivals this summer, and am writing a book. I have a great relationship with my family, and am slowly reconnecting with friends. I finally feel I am finding a balance between the two worlds, and can move between them, if not "at will", then when I feel prompted to do so.
The one constant, though, has been my lack of romantic love. Since getting ill, I haven't been intimate with anyone in any way. I have, many times, almost gone on a date, almost slept with someone, only to be foiled. I'm told I'm good looking, I'm secure in myself & I get a fair amount of attention from "women" in the general sense. But it seems the universe has been actively stopping me from falling in love. A date with a girl I liked, was cancelled 6 times for various reasons. A close friend, mutually attracted, suddenly met someone else. And so on.
Last week, I was lying in bed, and I realised that that part of me that vowed never to be heartbroken again, had never gone away. That I didn't actually want to fall in love with any of the women I nearly slept with, just to stop being alone, to break my dry "streak". I conducted active imagination with my 17 year old self (when I made that vow), and have been meditating a lot, allowing my heart to open. It has been very hard, and I have been sensitive. Last night, a girl I had had a crush on for a long time invited me over to her place for dinner. We drank some wine, & got pleasantly high - we were sat on the sofa, and I leaned in to kiss her. She cried "oh my god no! Oh why did you have to do that? You're my friend that I have deep conversations with". I went home & got drunk & cried about a girl for the first time since Scarlet rejected me.
Then, about 5am, I had a realisation. I didn't really care that I didn't love this girl . I realised, that (I think) the universe has been denying me any form of consummation, because I had to learn to stop seeking a meaningless fling and open myself up to falling in love again. I felt a stillness in my heart. I decided to wait. That I wanted my second "first time" to be with someone special. "Of course", my heart seemed to say.
Tonight, I have once again been feeling pretty awful. There is so many years of repressed romantic love, so much heartbreak, I don't know how long I'm going to feel this emotional & acutely alone, but I hope it's not too long. I've suffered a lot, and I could really use a cuddle, and a kind word.
Then it occured to me that I hadn't thrown the I Ching in a while. I threw it & got
63.1.2.6 -> 57
Already Across -> Subtly Penetrating
My changing lines are:
1.'Your wheels dragged back, your tail soaked – no mistake.'
2.'A wife loses her carriage screen – don't chase it.
On the seventh day, gain.'
6.'Soaking your head. Danger.'
If you've continued reading to this point, well done & thank you for indulging my catharsis! I hope it was interesting. If you skipped to the bottom, also cool.
I'm quite out of practise with the I Ching, so if you would be up for helping me understand this reading better, I would really appreciate it.
Go well,
Tom
Last edited: