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Do I love him? 55.1.2>32

little venus

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Dear all,

I’m in need of some wisdom as I managed to confuse myself to no end…

A quick background – I met A. a bit over 6 months ago when I was looking for a housemate. We were physically very attracted to each other from the start. We also both felt an amazing connection and sense of being completely accepted and understood by each other.

We discussed all this trying to figure out if it’s a good idea for us to become housemates, eventually we decided to go ahead with it and 3 weeks after we met we moved in together. We’ve been sharing a house for the last 6 months (just the two of us). Living with him is just so easy, we are great housemates. Needless to say, the attraction between us has been growing over the months and as we decided not to act on it, it’s become unbearable. We have an occasional giggle about it all but really, it’s a torture.

A. is without a doubt the most special person I’ve ever met. He says he feels the same way about me and I have no doubt that this is the case. He has his faults as do I and everybody else, but he is the wisest, most sincere and conscientious person I’ve ever known. I like him so much, respect him, am crazily attracted to him. I value his happiness more than my need to keep him in my life; I’d take a bullet for him. This makes me believe I may well be on the way to loving him. He says he feels the same way about me.

Too good to be true? Yeah… from the day we met I’ve known that what he really wanted was to live across the Atlantic. He lived there for a while, came back home, applied for a permanent visa and as he recently got it, he is now getting ready to go back there.
We can’t figure out what to do next… we don’t know each other long and well enough for me to consider following him (though he did ask me if I’d see myself living there or at least coming for a visit).

I can’t see myself having a long distance relationship, especially that, because of the circumstances, we don’t consider ourselves to be a couple. Best mates in the world, one soul in two bodies – but we are neither committed to each other nor do we have a sexual relationship (well, in fairness, we do have an imaginary one :D).

So what’s next? Do we stay in touch? I can’t imagine not having him in my life but I want to be in a loving relationship and as long as I stay in touch with him, I can’t see myself being interested in anyone else… I feel completely heartbroken (desperately so) that this nice little nest we’ve built for ourselves here is going to be abandoned by him (yes, I’ve become emotionally dependant on him and everything associated with him).

He doesn’t like living in this city (that was clear from the day one), hates his profession and his job but he doesn’t really know what he wants to do with his life, what would make him truly happy. He says that he needs to go away and figure himself out. He says it’s possible that he will come back and the door for us might swing right open. In the meantime, he talks of his daydreams of us having a family together… I have a feeling that if I was more committed, if I gave us the go ahead, that things would look somewhat different. Thing is… something is holding me back, I’m not completely certain that we could make this work… By the way, we are both in our mid 30s.

I’ve asked the oracle a good few questions in the last month and the readings feel so confusing to me… When I ask about anything else, the readings are clear to me, but with this issue I’m just feeling so lost. I really need some wisdom and I’m hoping that the members of this community can offer me some.

1. A month ago I asked “What am I supposed to do with A?” and got hex.1 unchanging.
2. On the same day I asked “What do things look like from his perspective? What do I need to understand about him?” and got 52.4.6>62
3. 3 days ago I told him that I thought it’s best if we don’t stay in touch after he leaves and that I’ll try to move on quickly when he’s gone because otherwise it will hurt too much. This was in response to him telling me that he has never felt this way about anyone else and that he hoped to hold on to me as a friend. :duh: I asked “did I make a mistake telling him what I told him? Is there a chance for us?” and got 48.3.6>59.
4. The next day we were chatting more about all this, trying to figure out if we should stay in touch or break all the contact. I asked “is there a way for us to stay in each other’s lives?” and got 49.4.6>37.

Then something happened 2 nights ago, we talked and talked, opened our hearts to each other more than ever before. And I realised that although it’s going to hurt so badly to stay in touch with him, that he was too precious to me to let go of.

5. So I asked “I’m beginning to feel that it could be possible… I’m not sure though… do we have what it takes to be truly happy together for a long time? For ever maybe?” and I got: 28.1>43 This really confused me so I asked again:
6. “Ok, I’d like to clarify… does this mean that I need to tell him clearly and openly how I feel and what I want?” and got 29.2.3>39
7. Based on the last two readings I got a sense that it’s time for me to let go of the outcome. That I need to accept reality as it is and let him do what he needs to do. I took it that I need to calm down and just be honest with myself and with him but without trying to influence any outcome. Then I asked “I think I understand what needs to happen with A. How can I best take care of myself in all this?” And what I got shocked and confused me to no end… 40.4>7.

Yes, I have become dependent on him, I recognize that… but what is the reading telling me? That I should let go of A? Or of this dependency? And what’s with the “new trustworthy companion will appear?” On some level I can see that once we stop living together, everything will change and many things will actually change for the better… could the “new companion” mean that we will transform in the process and start interacting in a new way and on a very different level? Or does this mean that a new person will appear? I am getting a new housemate after all… :brickwall:

8. I went to bed last night asking Reality for some wisdom. I asked that I wake up with a sense of clarity. I had a restless morning, in a semi conscious state I had a strong sense of the number 50 and it’s connection to I Ching. I know the meaning of 50 because I keep getting it when I ask about my business. So then, after I got up I decided to ask a final question: “Do I love him? Or am I just emotionally dependent on him?” And I got 55.1.2>32.

Oh, what is going on? I won’t be asking any more questions about this for a good while. There is wisdom in all this, I just can’t see it :( Could anyone help, please?

Sorry about the length and thank you so much for reading.
 

kkappa

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Here's my reading of your castings:

1. What am I supposed to do with A? #1
Give your partner the freedom to develop and thus become a stronger companion for him.

2. What do things look like from his perspective? 52.4.6>62
I cast this for myself just two days ago, so I can speak from experience that it is about trying so hard to hold yourself (or your ego, and the constant back-and-forth thoughts in your head) still, but you are not there yet - something is still eating you away. It may well be the reflection of his doubts about what to do with you, though is keeping himself very restrained in his head. Maybe it is talking of you seeming that way to him? I can see it applying to both of you.

3. Did I make a mistake telling him what I told him? Is there a chance for us? 48.3.6>59
Absolutely not a mistake, you need to work on yourself now, too, and this is of higher purpose than this lovely man. Read the lines of 59.3 and 59.6 to understand why you didn't make a mistake! It doesn't say anything about whether there is a chance. You need to work on yourself first.

4. Is there a way for us to stay in each other’s lives? 49.4.6>37
Only if you change your view of things, so that those changes are based on your inner truth, not ruled by petty or arbitrary motives.

5. Long term potential? 28.1>43
(28.1.) Exceptional enterprises cannot succeed unless utmost caution is observed in their beginnings and in the laying of their foundations.
(43) If a man were to pile up riches for himself alone (this is refering to you), without considering others, he would certainly experience a collapse. In other words, he has clearly said that he needs time to find himself. Grant him that time, but remain receptive. Men mean what they say.

6. Should you tell him how you feel? 29.2.3>39
No, pause and wait, this is dangerous. "Disagreeable as it may be to remain in such a situation, we must wait until a way out shows itself."

7. How can I best take care of myself in all this? 40.4>7
40 speaks of the release of tension in you after understanding the bigger picture. Line 4 describes how he grew very close to you and became indispensable, but you have to free yourself from him, as there is apparently no inner connection (I know this may seem hard to believe, but when someone is so deep in their own thoughts, they may feel the same way about you, but will not act upon it - taking care of themselves will come first in this case). If you don't let him go, you are going to be a really terrible housemate for your next housemate and he/she will mistrust you. 7 speaks of getting your **** together, pardon my french, and realising what you stand for, independent of him.

8. Do I love him? Or am I just emotionally dependent on him? 55.1.2>32
55.1 Two individuals possessed of these two attributes are
suited to each other, and even if they spend an entire cycle of time together
during the period of abundance, it will not be too long, nor is it a mistake.
55.2 But if you get your head on straight again, he will have the chance to come back to someone who knows what she stands for. "Circumstances can be totally frustrating. So imagine your life, according to what you truly are or want."

Light and love to you, heaven knows I went through something very similar not too long ago. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts a lot more than it should or you would expect it to!

And from a non I Ching perspective.. why are you considering a relationship with someone who hasn't made the move on you anyway? Talking is just talking, and speaking of wanting a family is fast forwarding to something that has no basis for existence - e.g. a romantic/sexual connection. You are just housemates, darling, I'm really sad to say this...
 
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little venus

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Oh, kkappa, thanks a mill for this!

All of it is precious to me, but the comment about me being a lousy housemate to my next housemate, if I don't let go of A, really hit home! I get it. Thanks so much!

Read the lines of 59.3 and 59.6 to understand why you didn't make a mistake! It doesn't say anything about whether there is a chance. You need to work on yourself first.
Would you direct me to where I could read this, please? I'm quite new to this and haven't found a good source yet.

55.1 Two individuals possessed of these two attributes are
suited to each other, and even if they spend an entire cycle of time together
during the period of abundance, it will not be too long, nor is it a mistake.
And from a non I Ching perspective.. why are you considering a relationship with someone who hasn't made the move on you anyway? Talking is just talking, and speaking of wanting a family is fast forwarding to something that has no basis for existence - e.g. a romantic/sexual connection. You are just housemates, darling, I'm really sad to say this...
I wasn't going to go into details here, for fear of TMI, but since you asked (and to clarify 55.1) ;) He's made plenty of moves on me and I've made some on him as well. As I said, it's been a torture! Thing is, when we decided to go ahead with moving in together we agreed to just be housemates, hence the restraint. So yes, you are right, we are just housemates.

We've had one sexual experience a couple of months ago. We decided to go ahead and just flipping do it because we felt like we were gonna go insane if we didn't. It wasn't supposed to be a once off either... but the experience was surprising to both of us... it wasn't just a release of this accumulated sexual energy, it was so much more... i didn't expect to be touched and kissed like i was by him... i felt loved...

So the next day we had a chat about all this... whether to continue with it or not... he said that if we have sex (the night before we didn't go all the way but we would have if i was in a position to do it), he said "we would seal the bond" and do we want this seeing that he was leaving. He asked what i thought. I told him i still wanted to go ahead with it but that if he didn't want to, then we wouldn't. So a few hours later he came back to me and said that if i was up for it, then he wanted it. Though at this stage i already imagined what it would feel like to "seal the bond" and how impossible it would be to let him go if we did it and decided not to do it after all...

We've been back and forth with this for the last 2 months. Even though we don't have sex, our interactions are highly sexual. I won't go into details because that would definitely be TMI. We're both terrified of what's gonna happen to us on emotional level if we get close physically and then have to separate. We think we are being responsible.

Saying this... he's been torturing me over the last couple of weeks... we still have 2-3 months before he leaves the country and he wants us to finally do it. We are seriously losing our minds over this the attraction between as is just unreal :D I have a strong feeling that he literally wants to "seal that bond" so he has something real to come back to or even a reason to stay... I think I want it too... and see what happens... Question is... is it a good idea?

When i read the 55.1... that we are well suited to each other... and that it (the relationship?) will not be long but that it will not be a mistake... I got it as a clear sign that we should go ahead and start this new chapter... however short it will turn out to be... Got the condoms already :rofl:

What do you think?

Is this TMI?
 

kkappa

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Oh you are more than welcome. I am happy to see my own frustrations over a past relationship and the related castings to be of some use for someone else, too. And don't worry about TMI. I live in a country where talking about doing it doggy style during a dinner is completely normal (ah, Europe :D), so I think you are actually being conservative compared to what I am used to hearing ;)

But to answer your questions: here you can read about the lines related to 59

As for 55.1, I think you are putting aside all the other answers to your questions and focusing on what you want to see (been there done that too many times myself too, so don't beat yourself up for what I'm about to say) - it is clearly saying that you were compatible for the time you had, but this will be short-lived. At the end of the day, he does not know what he wants, and the Yi seems to be telling you to not break under the pressure of being emotionally dependent on him and really think what you stand for. Moving to live across the Atlantic, is that really what you want for yourself, if he wasn't in the picture? And to be honest, no matter what the attraction between you two is (and it is most likely to be of sexual nature, especially if you only know each other for 2 months - people usually truly start unfolding after 3 months), the matter of the fact is, you are hesitant about making a commitment, because he is too, THAT is what is holding you back, because it really isn't your responsibility to make this happen between you two. If a man wants to really commit to someone, he will be with you no matter what, even if he feels lost. I know I'm going all old school traditional on you with this statement, but there is some truth to it, the rules of courting, damn, they will never change, no matter how modern the times are. Listen to your insticts, they are telling you to hold back, listen to it.
 

kkappa

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I have a strong feeling that he literally wants to "seal that bond" so he has something real to come back to or even a reason to stay... I think I want it too... and see what happens... Question is... is it a good idea?
Sorry, just realised what you said - so he needs to sleep with you to feel that you are worth coming back or staying? I think your sexual tension is getting the better part of your judgement. You know, if you really want to, go do it, but I don't think there is much to gain apart from heartache. At least based on your casting so far. :(
 
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little venus

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Yeah... things are becoming much clearer to me now. Thank you kkappa i really appreciate your input.

Just to clarify, we've known each other over 6 months. That sexy encounter we had was a bit over 2 months ago.

Yes, i'm beginning to regain that inner connection with myself... thanks for pointing out that I'm focusing on what i want to see, that's exactly what i've been doing... I hate the idea of losing him and i think we are both desperately trying to find a way to hold on to each other.

I don't think that he needs to sleep with me to feel that i'm worth coming back to or staying for. I think he thinks that I need it. He's been open about wanting to have a committed relationship with me from the start. It's me who is hesitant about making a commitment, not him. The last few weeks he's done a few things that showed both of us just how desperately he wants me to step into this, into anything, with him. He is a very sensitive, very shy man. And the way he's opened up to me lately is really impressive. And the more he opens up, the more i feel that yes, i would give us a chance if we had more time.

Still though, something is holding me back. I don't know what it is, but if i question it, i start losing the sense of myself, and that's clearly not good. I just wish i could explain all this to him... i wish i could tell him - here is the reason why i'm holding back. It breaks my heart that he is trying and trying and i have no explanation for him. This is why I asked that question "should i tell him exactly how i feel" to which the response is a clear "No"...

I guess, all i can do for now is wait, be true to myself and let go of this emotional dependence.
 

kkappa

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Argh, I feel your pain! To offer you a light at the end of the tunnel, don't forget - "Disagreeable as it may be to remain in such a situation, we must wait until a way out shows itself." What this way will be, who knows. Still, sorrow doesn't last forever.

Good luck to you!
 

little venus

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Sorry, just realised what you said - so he needs to sleep with you to feel that you are worth coming back or staying? I think your sexual tension is getting the better part of your judgement. You know, if you really want to, go do it, but I don't think there is much to gain apart from heartache. At least based on your casting so far. :(
I told him recently that after that sexy adventure we had a couple of months ago I'd felt loyal to him for a long time and i rejected every man who asked me out since. Judging by the way he talks and acts, it's clear that he needs time to go into the world and figure himself out, but it also seems that he wants me to wait for him. When i told him i wouldn't he panicked... he knows that if we sleep together, it will buy him some time! I will not be interested in anyone else for a good few months, and i will want to stay in touch with him. Seems like he's got a little strategy going there :D
 

little venus

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Argh, I feel your pain! To offer you a light at the end of the tunnel, don't forget - "Disagreeable as it may be to remain in such a situation, we must wait until a way out shows itself." What this way will be, who knows. Still, sorrow doesn't last forever.

Good luck to you!
Yes, thanks a million! This line makes me feel very secure in all this, actually. The expectation that i will not feel lost forever and neither will he.

Thank you kkappa!
 

meng

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How did he get to be a dark figure in all this? I don't see a scheme, I see someone who still has things to do. Maybe he'll return to you, maybe he won't. But the worst that could happen is that neither of you fulfill your own lives and sacrifice them to the relationship. If either has a dream that goes unfulfilled, there will be regrets in your future together.

Your initial reading can be interpreted as get married and go for it. But based on what you've described, after your initial reading I had the sense that the Yi began speaking to your heated emotions, rather than to the actual questions you'd asked after that. That's typically a ride over confusionland, going nowhere, unless you place them in context with what's going on inside you. Once that's cleared up, it's more responsive to the more pragmatic questions. Not that questions can't be emotionally stated; in fact, sometimes that's the way to get to heart of the matter.
 

little venus

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Thanks very much for offering your perspective, meng. I really appreciate it.

I'm not sure what you meant by saying that he's become a dark figure in all this? I'm sure he hasn't in my eyes. He is trying really hard to figure all this out and I respect him for it so much.

A. is an incredibly intuitive and bright man. We both can sense that his life, as it is, is too small for him. So figuring this out has to take a priority, we both know this. I suspect that what holds me back the most is the sense of this unfulfilled potential in him. On the inside he is such a beautifully powerful human being, but not having an outlet for this wisdom and power (before we met he didn't have a clue just how powerful and wise he was!) makes him very unhappy. And what's the point of getting into a relationship when you are unfulfilled and unhappy... we both know this.

If either has a dream that goes unfulfilled, there will be regrets in your future together.
Thank you for saying this. This is what I've intuitively known for a long time and you articulated it for me here. It gives me a sense of strength. Thank you.

I'm a bit confused though, about what you said in the second paragraph. Would you (or anyone else), please, shine some more light on this for me? Which heated emotions do you think the oracle was responding to - the sexual desire or the heartbreak of losing him? Does it even matter? How do I handle this confusion in the future?

I guess my underlying desire in all these questions was to know "am i supposed to wait for him or am i supposed to move on?". I still don't know. It seems that 40.4 says to let go and move on... but... (and now we're going back to your suggestion that he's become a dark figure in all this!) I hate how this reading suggests (does it?) that he is not worth holding on to... it confuses me and breaks my heart...

I find that focusing on his highest good, on giving him the space to figure himself out, makes it all a bit more bearable. But I can see that the perspective of losing me is killing him. It would make all the difference in the world if I could tell him I'll wait. But when he goes off to figure himself out, he will possibly grow and develop into someone he isn't right now. I can't possibly know how I'll feel about him then so can't promise I will be with him even if I do wait. So what's the point in waiting then? Round and round in circles i go...

I find it all especially confusing after getting that hex.1 unchanging at the beginning...
 

meng

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Thanks very much for offering your perspective, meng. I really appreciate it.

I'm not sure what you meant by saying that he's become a dark figure in all this? I'm sure he hasn't in my eyes. He is trying really hard to figure all this out and I respect him for it so much.
I got that impression from your comment:

Seems like he's got a little strategy going there
I must have misunderstood.

I have nothing official to back this up, only my personal experience with using the oracle, that as often as it directly answers my questions, it also 'chooses' to answer to any charged up emotions which are behind my asking the question. I've never found a way to predict which it will speak to when there are strong emotions involved, until after I ponder Yi's answer, and feel an inner relaxing from seeing a resolution or clearer picture of the landscape involved in my question as well as Yi's answer.
 

little venus

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I got that impression from your comment:



I must have misunderstood.
Ah, yeah, I realised this is what you were referring to after I replied. I still feel that he has (had?) a little strategy, but I would neither judge him for it, nor think it's something dark or bad. I'm in the process of setting up a business right now. This business is very important to me because it allows me to do what I truly want to do for the rest of my life. And I have carefully designed a strategy to make the business as successful as it can be... there is nothing bad about having a strategy when we are reaching for something we feel is right.

Whether his "strategy" is deeply intuitive and therefore correct or an act of desperation which would potentially cause a lot of heartbreak, is not clear to me. But it's a question he needs to answer for himself. All I can do, is to listen to my body and see whether I want to go along with what he suggests or not, and take responsibility for my own decision.

I don't know. I'm emotionally exhausted at this stage and so is he. Something is gonna break soon, I can feel it. So I'm just going to wait for it, for the "way out to show itself". The whole thing is so much bigger than us; I think all we can do at this stage is to submit ourselves to Reality and just take care of ourselves as best as we can ...

Thanks again for your input meng
 

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