Ending a friendship 33.1.6

[thisispeace]

Hi everyone. The background is I have a very old friend I've known for 20 years but have in all honesty always been a bit ambivalent about as I find her emotionally unpredictable and she sometimes lies to me. (The list is too long to go into but it often involves twisting my arm to do things I don't want to do. She is general, I find, very manipulative.) In recent years, she's also taken to drinking more and more and while drunk she becomes highly emotional. Most recently, in the last year, this takes the form of verbal abuse. She has said things to me I can't repeat here because they're simply too offensive but once or twice she has shouted such terrible insults at me (and I'm not a shrinking violet!) that I've wanted to throw her out of my house, except she was too drunk.

To be clear: she's a woman, I'm a gay man. We're both 40.

I have tried to stop her drinking and tried to talk to her about it but not hard enough. It's easier to go along with someone who insists on drinking that much. I feel guilty and compromised and worried. But since some recent incidents where she really crossed verbal and on one occasion a physical line I have a deep knowledge I don't want this person in my life any more. I just don't know how to say it or express it or find it valid. (You can tell me I'm a bad person for wanting this, rather than clearly intervening to help her - believe me, I feel that way.) As a result for the last several weeks I've ignored all her phonecalls and texts.

I've written her a letter, unsent, in which I describe her shouting abuse at me and say we can't be friends again until she is in substance abuse support and has given it all up. But I worry that the more I say to her the more she will use emotionally in certain ways - denying it, putting another point of view, badmouthing me to others, twisting facts, and so on. (She called me an evil violent and then a word I won't write. She did this after I tried to interrupt her when she was on a monologue about something. We were sitting on opposite sides of a table and I was simply trying to speak. I have never, ever been violent to anyone but if I put this down on paper it goes from an incoherent shouted bit of abuse to an accusation.)

But leaving her with no contact seems cruel. I don't know how to do this right. I know a good friend would support her but I'm too tired, hurt and angry and her husband is also there for her. I worry though that he also drinks and takes drugs.

I've asked the Iching: should I send her this letter?

The reply: 33.1.6.

I find this describes my feelings, desires and situation well. I am aware of a really dangerous force and want to back off slowly. But I also want to make a clean break and move on. But this doesn't seem like advice to me. Or is it?

Your thoughts are appreciated, thank you. I am very troubled about this.

 

[Matali]

Hello,
33.1.6 – 49 : both lines advise you to withdraw from this relationship. In my opinion, sending this letter does not change anything, you are right to distance yourself from this person. In addition, she has a husband so you do not leave her alone, do not worry And 49 transformation/change, you are free from all this...

 

[Mylife]

33- retreat - so leave the friendship
33.1 - take action to retreat and end in seeking harmony
33.6 - line represents the end of a situation. There is no more space to advance and progress.
49- abolish the old - again move on and leave it behind.
It describes the truth of revolution. Revolution takes place not merely to overthrow the old. Its purpose is to establish the new. The new should be better than the old. It is progress, an improvement. Revolution does not happen by accident. There is always a reason.

People had confidence in the change of the old system; thus all regret disappeared.


This is how I look at the answers you got. I hope it helps you

 

[rosada]

I think the essential thing to consider here is what 49. Revolution you are hoping will be the result of sending this letter. It sounds like you aren't asking her to change her habits so your friendship can continue but rather you have already decided you don't wish to continue the friendship period and the purpose of this letter is to facilitate you being able to bow out gracefully without causing pain or arousing retaliation.
33.1 I think this line is saying you see where her behavior is headed and you don't want to stick around for the inevitable drama.
33.6 You are clear that you are moving on so there is no need for lengthy explanations or negotiations.
With this guidance in mind I think the I Ching is advising you that any letter you send should not dwell on what you find unacceptable as that would imply if she were to change you would be open to continuing the connection. Instead I suggest a brief message that makes it absolutely clear that you're done. Something like, "Dear Snooks, Please forgive me for not calling. We have known each other for many years so it is not right that I should disappear without a word of explanation. The fact is that I just don't have the energy for drama anymore. I wish you the very best always. Thank you, Thisispeace"

 

[rosada]

I woke up this morning with further thoughts. You mention that her husband also drinks. This got me thinking about alcoholics and their associates who some how support their habits - the co-dependents. I think you are at risk of becoming a co-dependent here, all the more incentive for you to exit. You might get value from checking out AlAnon.org. Might inspire her to check out AA!

 

[thisispeace]

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, and Rosada thanks for your extra consideration.

I am taking them all on board and thinking carefully.

One of my issues is I feel guilty I haven't challenged it before. I just didn't know how. Or I didn't want to have to. So there's guilt.

Now I know, as this reading clearly states, I need to be elsewhere, but that decision feels selfish.

But I really don't want to be in this friendship any more. I want to be treated with respect as an equal and I believe she finds that impossible.

It's very sad but I'm also quite definite in my feelings.

I drafted an email which stated my preferences clearly and said I would return to the friendship if she had fully given up alcohol. I also made it clear that I thought then we could talk through the way she treats me, but that the problem wouldn't just be solved by her becoming sober. It goes beyond that. Then I clearly asked for space.

I asked the Yi'would it be better to sedn this message to X, or say nothing?' and received the answer

52.2.5 to 57.

He sees he cannot rescue the one he follows.
What words he speaks are deliberate.

Seems perfect for the moment

Thanks again, TIP