Fallout with dear friend: 37.3 to 42

[dancingfox]

How do I handle the fallout with my friend X?

I made a lot of new friends in the last three years, for which I am very grateful. There is a woman, X, who has been joining me in my community building and has been an important pillar for me personally and professionally. She is smart and often very funny, and in many ways she has been a good friend to me. X is also chronically ill and dealing with alot of personal issues. If this would not be the case she would probably be building business and community like myself.

There have been three occassions in my groups where our views clashed. When this happens she tends to take up a lot of air in my groups, causing tension and making me question my decisions and leadership. The first two times I was prepared to listen to her opinions and together, we found solutions and new insights. The last time she crossed a line was one time to many for me. I made my boundaries very clear and refused to compromise. In the end, this is my business and my group. I was tired of her constantly challenging me, I didn't even realise just how tired/ how much I felt challenged until I gave her my hard 'no'. This ensued into a very big emotional reaction from her, attacking me passive agressively and again, causing unrest in my groups.

Now, I am wondering if I haven't been letting her cross my boundaries all along. I feel conflicted about our friendship and can't seem to find right from wrong here. Is she even a real friend? Drawing a clear boundary was necessary and her reaction to this a red flag.

However this is the same woman that came to visit me with homemade food, herbal tea and medicine when I was gravely ill with a lung infection in January, stayed with me for hours even if this was dangerous to her own health.

How do I handle this fallout?

37.3 to 42

Looks to me like I have been too laks with my boundaries in the past. Taking up responsibility for my 'home' - my groups- by setting clear boundaries really is necessary, I should stick with my decision. This way everyone will find their 'role in the family' again which will bring more respect and peace in my groups.

My gut is telling me to do nothing at this point towards my friend. For once, I will not be the savior and allow her come to her own decisions. I still hope our friendship will survive this conflict but what kind of friendship would this be if we can't be real with eachother...

Thoughts on this reading are welcome as always!

 

[ElleKaye]

Hello there! Oh how complicated. It reminds me of my own mother, who can be wonderful but also narcisstic, damaging.

This line talks about strong connection but also the way to handle boundaries, and define roles within the group. The way it is handled determines the outcome.

It seems to suggest that you, when ready to approach her, address the issue directly but with appropriate sternness. If you tell her directly - not overboard but directly and letting her know this is a serious issue for you in your frieNdship with her, and it matters to you because you do share a strong relationship (37) that it might cause a change for the better and your relationship can expand (42).

You will succeed in correcting her (boundaries) and also defining the roles of the group, your business group and also how your roles relate to each other when you are both operating within the group - all of which is found in the line, defining roles and what not.

If she responds with giggling or smirking like the children and mother in the line do, making light of it or gaslighting you, well this would be unfortunate as it seems that you would be forced to undergo the misfortune of the line and expand (42) beyond the friendship.

 

[carlosyung]

37.3

家人
Family members/familiar people/relatives/etc.

嗃嗃
Scolded severely/shouted at/etc.

悔厲吉
Repentance, peril, (but) timely

婦子
wife and children

嘻嘻
laughing, laughing/ chattering, smirking

終吝
Ultimately shameful

Hexagram 37 speaks about families and clans like your community. The third line speaks about a hard reprimanding from the leader, the regret that it causes but also that it was opportune and timely. What I interpret here is that if you haven't done so, the wife and children (those who are not leaders) are going to disrespect you and get their way, which is a shame.

Analyzing the trigrams Harmen Mesker style, we have upper trigram ☴, and lower trigram ☲ fire changing to ☳ thunder. What does it mean? The upper trigram Xun ☴ represents the penetrative persistence from X. The lower trigram is you, whereas in a moment of clarity you gave way to a thunderous change in the relationship.

However, how does this answer the question? It seems to be just a description of the facts. Perhaps this is because the fallout has already been handled.

 

[dancingfox]

Well this confirms my own insights... thank you ElleKaye and CarlosYung

Yes, the fallout has already been handled by me in a very direct and stern way. There were no other options, any other response from me would have resulted in a psychological game and this time around I was not inclined to play on her terms.

I'm fairly sure she wasn't expecting my different approach so 'a thunderous change' certainly applies to the situation.

She did infact respond with smirking, more threats and games. Calling me a gaslighter and whatnot, projecting her own issues to me. That's that big red flag I was talking about earlier.

I already told her in no uncertain terms where she stands within my groups. She can either choose to accept my vision and as such, my leadership. If not she is free to go and find another similar group to join or start her own.

She was a participant, but one of the very first in my small but growing community. As such she was always there with advice and wisdom. This was a huge support for me in the beginning.

Oh man, setting boundaries can be hard work when you grew up not having any, like me... this theme keeps popping up for me.

I just hope this particular boundary will indeed transform in hex 42. If not, I will be mourning a friendship.

 

[ontheroad]

Boundaries are a funny dynamic. I've learnt no matter the boundaries we have those WITHOUT them are actually the problem not necessarily us. If we choose to spend time with these people then don't expect them to respect our boundaries- they just won't.

 

[dancingfox]

Boundaries are a funny dynamic. I've learnt no matter the boundaries we have those WITHOUT them are actually the problem not necessarily us. If we choose to spend time with these people then don't expect them to respect our boundaries- they just won't.

Very true.

The first couple of times these little trangressions happened were very subtile and I was willing to question myself, because leadership is new to me and I was still growing in my new role and confidence.

My confidence has grown and with it, the ability to see our dynamic clearly, without filters.

I grew up in a family without personal boundaries. When I started on my path of personal development, one of the hardest truths I had to face about msyelf was that I too was without boundaries, not just the people around me.

People can change. I know I did. I keep working at it every single day.

In this way, I needed to adress not only her behaviour, but also my own.

 

[ontheroad]

Very true.

The first couple of times these little trangressions happened were very subtile and I was willing to question myself, because leadership is new to me and I was still growing in my new role and confidence.

My confidence has grown and with it, the ability to see our dynamic clearly, without filters.

I grew up in a family without personal boundaries. When I started on my path of personal development, one of the hardest truths I had to face about msyelf was that I too was without boundaries, not just the people around me.

People can change. I know I did. I keep working at it every single day.

In this way, I needed to adress not only her behaviour, but also my own.

Absolutely, I always look to self first and I used to self blame, given my traumatic background. These days I've learned a lot about myself and a lot about others too so understand completely what you're saying.