PO Box 6945,
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
When you are ready. Again, no need to feel guilty, there is nothing that you HAVE to do.
It sounds promising that you know where the problems lie, and that they are not such big issues. It makes it sound like it will not be too difficult to sort, if it is handles in a delicate way. I get the feeling you need these problems to be sorted so that you can move forward. Perhaps everything will fall into place naturally once everyone is in a better space with the issues that you feel the family have.
I can understand your parents hurt and disappointment at you cancelling your trip. Perhaps they were hoping that your visit would be a good time to have a "special" talk. Perhaps you could phone your parents and explain that you too have had a difficult year, and perhaps don't feel up to it at the moment, but look forward to a visit in April.
The only thing that I can say about parents is that it is the toughest job in the world. Children don't come with an instruction manual, and I don't think that the 'perfect parent' exists. I think that all parents try to do their best, with whatever they have within themselves.
I had a lot of issues with my Mum, and she died with them unresolved. I found that very hard, and I too was very angry. I have children of my own, so I know how hard it can be. I like to believe that my Mum did what she thought was for the best for us, in very difficult circumstances. I have learned to forgive her and not be so hard on her, she was only human, like me! I like to think about the positive that she brought to my life too. It just makes things a little easier to deal with.
From all the other wonderful replies that you have had, it sounds as though the dust needs to settle a little before any communication can move forward and be received in a positive way. Truth and sincerity can only be a good thing.
Sorry I can't really offer any insight from an I Ching point of view....I am so new to this that I don't feel brave enough yet to write my opinion!
Wishing you well sorting it all out.
I live in a small appartment. I love it because every little thing in there, is according to my taste. I had some gifts that I didn't like. It was diffucult in the begining not to put those presents because I would hurt the givers feelings. But then it wouldn't be "my home". The door are open we I fell like. The doors are closed when I want to be alone. And no everybody is allowed to enter. They are roules. Is that Selfish ?
With my life and relationships is more diffucult, but they said that it can be done.
Have an interesting trip towards your town. Nourish yourself well .!It's a long trip. And Enjoy its step.
Wish you the best,
I think that is something to bear in mind too. Parenting is incredibly difficult - especially in this present world in which we live. So, I intend to tread carefully but not to guild the Lilly either. I think if we can all come half way there's reason to be hopeful. Sincerity yes. Gentle but firm. Well, the dust hasn't really been allowed to settle as my mother was wanting a reply and obviously chomping at the bit for a fuller rely than "received your mail - will respond when I have time after work." I could almost feel her impatience. Or maybe that's a projection.
Anyhow, I wrote a very careful email and chopped it in half for brevity and I think - I hope it will start the ball rolling. I don't think she'll accept anything right now and it may even cause a veritable storm but at least I've spoken my mind as well as highlighting my own shortcomings. Yeah, reaching some kind of resolution is important as you've indicated. I'm quite sure your mother did her best as you say.
I love my parents and respect them, but these are deep rooted things that need to be understood and exorcised. That is quite a process.
Greatly appreciate your thoughts PixieStix.
Just in case the comment could be useful
I would suggest another aproach to your situation. many times, what can be seen as some practical issue carries within heavy deep issues. In those cases, I have find useful to start with the more general aspect... and only when it is clarify, move forward more detailed or practical aspects.
So, I would suggest the following dialogue:
1.- General Diagnosis for the relation between my parents and I
2.- Parent's position toward the relation
3.- My position toward the relation
4.- Concrete diagnosis for the situation of gathering together in Xrimas
5.- Deep causes of this concrete situation
6.- Best thing for me to do in order to harmonize my familiar life
Topal, I wish you the best, and a peaceful holiday season. It was not an easy decision to make. and you are not selfish, just a young man who needs to cross this river. sometimes when the water is too rough, it is best to wait. I've been there.
If it is any help, in my experience the bridges Do get crossed, sometimes first (and sometimes maybe even only) in our own hearts. at a certain point in time, I noticed that my family of origin became interesting, rather than dangerous to my emotional well-being. BUt it did take time, and sometimes it took distance (to feel sane). God Bless.
I also want to wish you good luck on this.
I suppose it's not much use to join everybody in saying 'they did their best', 'you must let go'. It's not easy to just let go, I know that. I know how it is.
And it's also not easy to 'do your best' as a parent. I guess we all do our best with the "under the circumstances" qualifier. The circumstances being also, in part, who we are. As a mother, I know I do my best but I know I could do better but sometimes only by going very much against my nature and that is almost impossible for me. I guess this is to say: even if it doesn't look like they did their best, they did.
And our best is rarely good enough. I seldom find a person that is fully satisfied with the job their parents did. Well, a person of my generation and younger, in any case. I can't really imagine anybody from my parents' generation complaining about their parents and how they ruined their lives. It seems that people from previous generations were a bit harder on themselves, I guess .
I just deleted two huge paragraphs and spared you from having to read all that nonsense. I guess all I want to say is that it's great you have told them how you feel because that is a huge step towards letting go.
PO Box 6945,
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).