Family encounters

[em ching]

There was a family gathering recently as it was my gran's funeral.
I was feeling down, but not so much at my gran's death because she was ready to go and the funeral itself was good - more of a celebration of her life etc - and all the family came. I was not feeling confident in myself for some reason (probs hormonal) And asked the Yi for how to deal with the occasion etc:

Advice for the funeral?
Hex 10 - made perfect sense for a funeral - treading respectfully and discreetly.

Then, as I wanted to make a good impression on family members I han't seen since childhood - distant cousins etc -I asked How can I be more articulate and have presence?
36. 1, 5, 6 > 53
I think this may be saying darken my light by laying low while feeling down, hiding and allowing my confidence and sense of self gradually develop? (hmm... self assurance and acceptance I suppose is a long time coming for most)


As it transpired, though the after party was nice - had some good chats etc - but inside I was feeling awkward, shy and unable to connect with members of my family without feeling I was lacking in some way - as a result, maybe it came across that I was trying too hard... or being reserved, and I did get the feeling people were well meaning but found me unaproachable.

I asked what I did wrong?
59.6
Well very relevant - dissolving his blood - Perhaps my self consciousness alienated my family group

Finally, what mindset do I need to adopt to change this problem?
28.2, 3, 6 > 12
I think this speaks of my putting to much pressure on myself to impress and perform...

Any commentary on the above would be much appreciated!
:bows:

 

[Trojina]

Well it was a funeral, it wasn't about your performance in any way, so how could there be a question of you doing anything wrong. Would it help to be aware that most people are way more interested in themselves than us..its not like they'd be standing around at a funeral thinking 'oh Em is so unapproachable' is it ?

You asked 'what did i do wrong' with the assumption that you have done something wrong and i don't believe the Yi has answered your question directly..how can it if you haven't done anything wrong ? 59.6 says its desirable to be distant from certain people/situations. My guess is if you don't find them easy to get on with, they aren't your kind even though they're your family...doesn't matter if you only see them now and then does it..



How can you be more articulate ? well actually I quite liked your interpretation of that.

Can't you just forget about who you are for a while and focus on someone else..it must be exhausting. We just aren't in control of what people think of us, and mostly people are way too self obsessed to spend hours pondering how much 'prescence' someone else in the room has.

28>12 yes agree with your interpretation. You could practise forgetting yourself for 10 minutes..or really really focus on the person you're with, listen to them, stop thinking about you, should be a great relief

 

[em ching]

lol I know I hear ya
I suppose I just felt like I'd like to remain connected to my extended family and develop stronger connections with the opportunity - also now that my gran has gone and she was thought of as the centre - but I know that's silly, yea, as you say just cause they're family, doesn't mean you have to get along (of course we all know that).

Yes I've heard that and do try to concentrate on the other, but sometimes just draw awkward blanks

:bows:

 

[Trojina]

I asked what I did wrong?
59.6
Well very relevant - dissolving his blood - Perhaps my self consciousness alienated my family group

:

You sure lay alot of bad stuff on yourself Em...so you thought simply by being a little self conscious you alienated your entire family..howcome you always put you in the wrong. If they can't appreciate or respond to you in a satisfactory way maybe its their problem too, they have to meet you halfway. Sometimes I'd like to be a fly on the wall to watch you in these encounters just to see what kind of a dreadful young woman you really are that you can alienate entire roomfuls of people just by being there... strange you seem quite a nice person to me

Anyway I wasn't meaning your concerns were silly, i think everyone kind of evaluates their interactions with others, just seems a shame you always feel you weren't the right person, that just being you is somehow wrong

Looking at the 36>53 again, yes its a situation, (and i feel the answer may still be referring specifically to the funeral) where you can't show your true self, have to play a part in order to protect your inner light, your true values..in order, as you said that your growth (53) may continue undisturbed. This answer isn't telling you to go out there and reveal all and be a great shining prescence, quite the reverse, seems there is some need to protect your vulnerabilities when others don't share the same values as you. Maybe feeling a little self conscious is exactly the right thing for you at the moment.

Seems to me you always feel the need for distance then berate yourself for feeling that need...but what if that need were valid..maybe you don't always need to people please.

Re the 28>12 i think it suggests you really ease up on yourself, you are putting big burdens of expectations on yourself that kind of stifle you (12)

 

[willowfox]

I am sure that I advised you before to just be yourself and not worry what other people think about you. As for family, I have many family members that I have never ever met, and my cousins were/are so different in outlook, intelligence etc, I had nothing in common with them, so I have just stayed away from them. Just because these people happen to be "family" means nothing, there are so many people that we can never get along with, no matter how hard we try. Stick to what you are comfortable with and don't try so hard on a lost cause.

 

[em ching]

Sometimes I'd like to be a fly on the wall to watch you in these encounters just to see what kind of a dreadful young woman you really are that you can alienate entire roomfuls of people just by being there... strange you seem quite a nice person to me

Anyway I wasn't meaning your concerns were silly, i think everyone kind of evaluates their interactions with others, just seems a shame you always feel you weren't the right person, that just being you is somehow wrong

Seems to me you always feel the need for distance then berate yourself for feeling that need...but what if that need were valid..maybe you don't always need to people please.

(12)

Hello - Thanks SO much for your input again here on an issue with me that keeps cropping up I know. I feel quite happy with myself though now - it seems as if everyday I'm turning a page towards a deeper understanding of myself and a greater capacity for acceptance.

At the moment, I feel completely comfortable and not emotionally wanting for anything ie a boyfriend or more 'friends'. I hightlighted that last line you said because that spoke so loudly to me. I can really see that up until now my priorities have been all wrong ie. always evaluating myself against others, but now I feel that I am actually starting to hear myself - and I'm not going to ignore it anymore eg. If I want to be friendly I will, if I want to be quiet I will act accordingly - and not fear that the world will turn its back on me

Also, to remember when I do have down, paranoid and unconfident days, perhaps to listen to those emotions and do a Hex 36 - Until I can feel the light again

I don't know if it's hormones or chemicals or just the natural rhythm of things - but perhaps the key is, not to be afraid of feeling down - just go with it, which is essentially Tao again - don't fight your nature and remember the transience of emotions - they will always be preceeded and followed by another, sometimes their antithesis - just like the hexagrams - ever flowing.

Thanks again. I'm really feeling much better - and I think I've been having a gradual epiphany these last few weeks, guided by the Yi of course

:bows:

 

[em ching]

there are so many people that we can never get along with, no matter how hard we try. Stick to what you are comfortable with and don't try so hard on a lost cause.

Lol I think that's one of the hardest things I have found to accept really - despite how many times the evidence has been in my face! The times I have pushed for an even happy relation with people who I know are just not on my page or in my book is silly! But now I'm feeling that it is ok, not to get on with certain people - normal and good perhaps. Again it's about listening to the signs

Thanks willowfox - I know the issue with my housemates was exasperated but I am at a good place with them now (as good as it can be , and we will be parting ways quite soon. You were right in your advice not to run away. It's not perfect but I have learnt a lot (mainly the above - and to recognise when you don't fit to accept and walk away and not force it.)

:bows:

 

[bamboo]

I think all your readings were perfect advice for family gatherings! Like what T and WF both say.

in any family gathering, the universal rule book, if there was one, might read:
Tread cautiously... for they tread upon your heart. be discreet, cordial... as you said.

Keep a low profile and dont be eager to explain yourself in any way, do a lot of listening and nodding. 36. Family gatherings have a way of proceeding nicely within the context. Holding your cards close to your chest and self-protecting is impt around famly, because as said, famliy members can often be the ones who't validate you or understand you. Maintain your core, dont be thrown in to thinking yu are crazy or wrong.

there is no blame in 59.6 Departing from your blood at a safe distance is something we proably all learn. Sweep yourslf up to safe ground, there is no blame in this.

28 to 12, says it all. Pressure of family gatherings is stressful. Don't let the pressure overwhelm you. although you might feel, or get in,over your head, there's no blame in this. family gatherings can seem like a 12 situation; pettiness can seem to be in charge. accept that. and by order of 28, be ready to make the getaway before you get in too deep: Good night, all, pleasure to see you

last rule: go home and say : I did good, I survived.