family matters

[Tohpol]

I thought I'd throw this one in the ring as this is something very difficult for me to be objective about: Family. Sheeesh. I've been facing and coming to terms with a few things in this area of my life.

I asked the IC for some general advice as to how to approach my parents. Right now I have a lot of anger (especially towards my mother) and I'm finding it very difficult to let go of it. I'm becoming less and less inclined to visit them which makes me feel very guilty. (They are in another country).

It won't be possible to talk about my feelings as they would take it personally. "Hey did you know that you XXXXed me up when I was younger? Let's all get it all out in the open and have a party with it." Wouldn't work. They did their best and in many ways were model parents - at least on the face of it. They are good, decent people - but took on considerable fallout from their own childhoods. They didn't really have a clue.

The other side of it is that I have a responsibility to acknowledge all that and then let it go - stop being the victim and forgive as we all have to. I have to do that for my own peace of mind. I want to do it.

I received 15.5 > 39.

Can't seem to get my head around this one other than it's saying just be yourself and don't take any crap. At the same time, don't go overboard in righting wrongs. Take a bird's eye view and keep it in perspective. Would that be in the ball-park?

Any thoughts, as always appreciated.

Topal

 

[hollis]

uh oh....

Could it possibly be, the advice is to go ahead and bring it up with them.... bring it on, as they say?

What does that look like Topal, if you were to actually air your feelings to them? I think that can be done in a manner that does not estrange or harm them. Sometimes these feelings are all part of the family cauldron, and bringing them up is just what it means to be family.

Would your feelings crush them? Are your parents, (your mom), sensitive, or fragile and frail? It doesn't seem so, from the reply you got

Just a few thoughts.

 

[bruce_g]

Hi Topal

That's one of the most clear, honest and transparent posts I've ever read here. Thank you.

I don’t see this as telling you what to do, but how to do it. Do you choose to make nice to the best of your ability, or do you write them off entirely? You have a right to do either. That’s the first thing, no guilt. You do what you do because it’s what you need to do to go to where you want to be. You can even choose whether to love them or not. There’s a whole lot between those extremes, of course, but even the extremes need not create guilt or shame. Remorse.. sometimes, because you’ll always wish it could have gone better.

Let’s say you decide to clear the air, and tell them where you stand. That’s where 15.5 reminds you to not boast of your positions, opinions and reasons. Nothing’s gained that way, as you’ve already said. The only way to make your statement to them is by the life you are living, with or without them. If they embrace you that way, how wonderful! But if not, that’s ok too. 15 is an equal measure of give and take.

I’m seeing 39 as what this matter is doing to you: in your head, in your heart, probably most of all in your gut.

 

[willowfox]

Hex 15.5 to me this suggests that you should dive in and discuss these matters with your parents, but do it in a calm and gentle manner, no anger, be sensible. This will really help to set your mind at rest.

Hex 39 this suggests that before you go, think carefully about what you are going to say to them and how you are going to say it. The thing to do now is to step back and stop forcing your way forward, stop struggling against the odds, stop being so over emotional about life, you still have things to learn. Your problems are both external and internal, it requires that you change your attitude and not go round blaming others for your current problems with life, there is no reason for self pity here because it is down to you to learn, adapt and change. I would say to you, go see your parents and talk because just maybe they can give you some help or advice, don't be silly and avoid them, they will help you if you ask. You will win through in the end, so go book your ticket home.

 

[lienshan]

The other side of it is that I have a responsibility to acknowledge all that and then let it go - stop being the victim and forgive as we all have to. I have to do that for my own peace of mind. I want to do it.

I received 15.5 > 39.

Can't seem to get my head around this one other than it's saying just be yourself and don't take any crap.

Hi topal

The answer 15 Modesty to your question looks inauspicious to me, because I see no Modesty in your approach to the subject, which is underlined by the content of the 5th changing line. Trigram Earth changing into trigram Water tells, that you are not ready to forgive yet.

Jacques

 

[bruce_g]

Hearken the arrival of guilt trips, like haunting ghosts from within and without. You should do this or that. Why should you? Who is to determine yourself if not yourself? Perhaps your parents? Or the parents of your accusers and teachers?

Modesty is a superficial name for 15, or at least as it's commonly interpreted to mean. Bradford translates it "authenticity", LiSe renders it "give and take". These seem greatly more applicable to me.

 

[Tohpol]

Thank you all, as ever, for some valuable advice. Again, everyone has offered a slightly different slant, each with real food for thought. It has allowed me to bring my thoughts into a more coherent form. I think Bruce's answers speak to me the most profoundly on this issue.

I think the onus is on me to adapt here as I know that while I could talk to them honestly , it would serve no purpose to go too deeply into the subject as they would end up being hurt regardless. It is too late in the day to broach such things and to what end? The subject is too complex and although they would understand perhaps intellectually, they wouldn't emotionally. And such things cannot be compromised or partly explained. That doesn't preclude the possibility for me to be "authentic" as the hex implies but there is a limit to how much can be explored without causing confusion and harm. I think in time, I can resolve this in myself and approach it bit by bit.

Parents can "push your buttons" like no one else. There are deep emotional scars that require a process. That process is not finished yet nor is it going to be resolved by assuming I can cope with it before I have the necessary strength and balance. I see no point in visiting when I am not ready. To be authentic requires time and requires energy of which I have little right now. But I will.

I already don't see them more than twice a year (partly due to logistical reasons) so in order not to offend them I'll have to probably see them at Christmas. (I asked about that actually and received: 13.1.3 > 12 which seems to suggest to go ahead).

So, I need to come to terms with this one way or another. The best way to do that seems to be a case of just letting go. Let it just ride over me like water. The simple fact is - like most people - they did their best. They were messed up but they did they best with what they had. They did a great job in many ways. I have a lot to be thankful for. but this letting go as I said is a process.

Parents inject into us their darkest fears as well as their most positive attributes. The former can effect us in ways that we can be totally oblivious to, yet they can direct the course of our lives until we are living through their unspoken wishes and implanted desires. Most of us, imo, operate this way. We ARE our parents. The trick is to honour them and truly live your own life.

There is no blame. There is just unresolved anger on my part which is constantly stimulated by their own lack of self awareness on these issues. Their projections, their controlling ways. But it is difficult living in this world. In a sense, we are all victims the moment we are born subject to so many distorting influences, but we have learn to reclaim our destinies that are uniquely our own.

Frankly, when I compare my problems with the lives I see around us - such abject suffering - well, it puts it into perspective. There lies the key, perhaps. I continually try to do that: take the bigger picture and let go. Blame is a toxic thing and it is pointless. Again, I know the theory but the feelings haven't been integrated yet. Child hood stuff is never easy to exorcise.

Anyhow, thanks all for the chance to air this.

Topal