Gaining control over the 'freeze or flight' response.

[Lodestar]

I've always been intensely shy, but as I progress in my journey I'm starting to think a good part of this may in fact be from childhood trauma..
I'm not just shy, I'm paralysed. Tonight a really lovely guy started speaking to me, but I was petrified. Then despite really wanting to talk to him, I went and sat at the opposite side of the room and avoided all eye contact. I tried to make eye contact, as in the will was there, but I could not get my head to turn!

I asked Yi, what is going on with me? I felt like there was literally prison bars of energy trapping me in. I'd never had such a detachment before between myself and this primal response before, so it was interesting to go from relaxed to this state of high anxiety and see the transformation.

I asked Yi what was going on in my energy? I got 18UC
Well that seems to resonate with the idea of trauma.

I ask how can I heal this panic and start moving towards the contact I want?
3.1.5-2. Difficulty at the beginning - receptivity
.5 ....the better I get, the better I'll get?

Will I see him again (I know Yi can't answer.. well maybe..are we connected ala have we a story?)
38.5-10
Be open and direct in wanting friendship (I wish I had been)
Lise.. Often it is scary to make the first step towards people...the greatest profit is having the guts to do it. These guts will shape your entire life differently, because everybody is always waiting for the one who initiates contact.
He initiated contact, I froze.

 

[Tim K]

18.0 Some old feelings, stale, unmoving. Yes.

How can you heal? 3.1.5 - 2
Change you approach, your mindset.

3.5 WIlhelm speaks of slowly overcoming the problem, by building up confidence.
Try to approach different people(preferably men and handsome ones ) asking for time of day, or some directions. Like really go out and for one hour each day just ask and ask and ask.
8.5 Says that you shouldn't care how will they react. Someone will welcome your question, other will be busy etc.

By doing this time after time this fear of 'what if they don't like me' will fade away.

 

[Lodestar]

Thank-you Ashteroid. I always appreciate your feedback. The only problem with this particular situation, is that from life long experience, it doesn't go away, I've had relationships, I have lots of guys like me. But this is deeper in my system in an unconscious area that I can't seem to change.
So I will phrase a question directly for that.
How can I heal the unconscious aspects of this issue?
37.5.6-36
I think this relates to my current process of reconnecting with my father and insisting on admitting the real past, not the white-washed happy families past. And he is meeting me half way which I'm pleased about. So maybe it's saying I'm on the right path? 36 is me, always running and hiding and trying to manage my fear.

What is my next step to healing this?
21.4-27
Wing - the task you are facing is indeed difficult. Good results only come by being alert and exercising continuous effort.
Lise- nobody likes to go there, finding problems which are difficult to solve. Only when one goes to the bottom of things, one finds the causes of trouble.
Dreamhawk - in chewing over the situation more problems are found than were previously realised. Perhaps there is enmity from powerful people you have to deal with.

Any other thoughts, angles appreciated.

 

[altair139]

38.5 might predict that he will initiate contact with you first. But there will be danger lying ahead of that. If you're not sure how you're feeling about him dont make quick decisions

 

[Tim K]

You are right on all points Lodestar.

I've been watching eastern psychology lectures and practical lessons for 3 weeks now.
And the unconscious fears and programs are a real thing. We carry them from our past lives and childhood memories. The good thing - we can change them, the first step is willingness to change.
Acceptance of one's parents is crucial to interaction with all other people in later life.
One must forgive all the mistakes their parents did, accept mum and dad with love and respect, with all their quirks and traits.

Few tips:
1) To lower your ego and pride: at least mentally do a full bow-down (knees and forehead touching the ground) towards the person who bothers you.
(doing this for everyone you meet is better). If you can't make yourself do this - then there is definitely a bucket-load of anger/hate inside.
If you do this for real - the impact is greater, before one's photo is also good.

2)Write each day that you accept and love your mum, the same for dad. (Preferably with left hand - direct connection to unconscious).

37.5 → 22.6 I read as promote love[37.5] towards all things[22.6] in the world.
Absolute acceptance is the key. The more you resist, the more claims(rejection) you have towards things - the more miserable is your life. And vice versa, if you treat any situation as a lesson and any person as a teacher - with respect - then 80% of problems go away.

37.5 and 21.4 Yes work on the issues with your father. All these subconscious programs can be changed.

3) Imagine the fear(or an illness) as a living creature, and fill it with love. Say - I love you! Pay attention to it, pet it. C'mon lets work together now, I accept you.

4) Imagine that the worst fear has become a reality. Go through all the consequences of it.
And then say - I accept this, I accept the will of God/universe.
Imagine opposite positive situation, go through consequences and also accept it.

These are practical methods that do work.

Hope you'll get better

 

[Lodestar]

Great thanks Ashteroid.

I'm a bit dubious about the whole 'accept & forgive' thing. In my experience most people do that - at the expense of ever feeling the truth of what actually happened in their lives, so acceptance/forgiveness becomes a form of repression. As Lise says in 21.4 nobody likes to go there..

That's how it was for me, now I'm going backwards from having Always accepted and forgiven to, 'hang on just one minute here, that was not right' There are fine distinctions I guess between accepting something and condoning it. Which I'm sure you meant as a given anyway. Just writing out my process here.

I love the other exercises and will definitely try them, thanks so much! :bows:

 

[Lodestar]

Also I'd just like to add, a spiritual friend of mine gave me an excellent insight into resistance.
Not resisting does not mean you love everything/everyone at all times, not resisting means allowing your authentic feelings to surface and be embraced, love, fear, hatred.. Which is basically the last few exercises you gave me.

But I and most people I meet, seem to interpret not being resistant, as meaning you must like everyone and every situation you meet. It can promote passivity in the face of injustices that need action and intervention, but we invest energy instead trying to accept them.

My new understanding is, 'not being resistant', means letting all these 'not nice' emotions up, fear, anger hatred and let them do their job.. This is different from being reactionary and controlled by your reactions - but many people who try to practice non-resistance seem controlled by their inability to respond.

Again just a little tangent to clarify my thoughts here, for when I look back on this.

 

[Tim K]

There is a fine line between accepting the world as it is and falling into helpless victim state of mind.

Repressing and suppressing is a wrong way to go.
There should be an understanding that everything is transitory, there is no point in worrying too much,
that universe and everyone else ultimately loves you. And by sending love back life gets easier and easier.
Ego becomes less and less important.

About subconscious programming - it also works like a magnet, drawing situations and experiences that it wants. If you fear something - here you go, deal with it so you can overcome that fear.
If you hate something - here you go, learn to love it and then it will go away.

upd: ultimate goal is reaching a state of unconditional love, a unity with god.
And with it comes intuition, which tells you what to do in each unique situation.
You are so sure of god's will, that you just follow it. Your ego doesn't resist, you follow the soul's directions now.

By having this knowledge it's easier to deal with problems and to truly appreciate them.
Then the negative emotions will fade away. Emotions, fears and judgement always come from ego.
True feelings come from soul.

 

[Lodestar]

Thanks for this and for.. 'True feelings come from the soul'

Beautiful thank-you :bows:

 

[sooo]

Freezing may be a bit extreme and thinking of yourself as freezing may be counterproductive. 18 is an image of air being trapped against the foot of a mountain. Instead of the air moving, circulating, it becomes stagnant, life begins to decay. This is the condition depicted. To get moving again requires a little time (three days is given) and your will (The noble one inspires the people to raise virtue.). My opinion is that your readings that follow all represent this condition and a truer picture of who you are, what you are dealing with and how to change, what can occur during this symbolic three days before the change, or in other words, preparation, fortification, edification. The main thing is to get your wind-self moving, circulating; stir yourself up, be brave and adventurous. What do you have to lose? Besides, it's your natural condition so don't let the mountain stand in your way. The mountain could use a breath of fresh air too.

 

[Lodestar]

Thanks Sooo, can you expand a bit on preparation, fortification and edification and what that might mean in this case?

Wind-Self. Love it. An image I will carry.

Suddenly I see myself back in that moment, he is like this big mountain that I feel I must climb..it's all very serious, intimidating, dangerous.. but instead I can be the wind blowing around in her dance...
Well if there is another time..I will have the wind-self image to enter into..

 

[Juliah]

Lodestar, let me please add just a few words to what has been said. Your problem is familiar to me.

Perhaps, you pay too much attention to your own image - as other people perceive you, trying to improve this here and now, during your communication with them. My problem started solving when I understood that people could not only like or dislike me. People are very different and most of them are self-centered, not interested in somebody's appearance and motives. If you want to be accepted, you should learn not to be accepted.

High tide gives way to low tide, and then high tide comes again. Neither the high tide, nor the low tide must stick fast in you.

 

[kincadefoster]

The way I see it , you mention being open and direct about wanting friendship, yet talk of a "primal response" and the fact you were so nervous suggests that you want a little more than friendship... as far as being open and direct...

But I'm not going to address this further

What I wanted to tell you is that I used to be like that, I would be SO afraid to talk to a girl I liked and I would freeze up.. Also I would be so nervous my hands would shake.

No, seriously, like I had parkinsons

And then I would be so afraid that my hands shaking would totally ruin things, that I was f**king up at being a confident man by having shaky hands.

But then I reached a point where loneliness outweighed my fear, and I kept trying and kept facing my fear. I did yoga, tai chi and meditation. I still sometimes do some tai chi for a few minutes when Im very nervous about meeting someone or having anxiety or emotional dysregulation. I also realized that someone should accept me for who I am and I shouldnt have to do or be anything special for people to like me.

Its alot easier now. My hands still shake sometimes. Guess what, hardly anyone even notices and if they do I just tell them in a calm and confident voice that I have social anxiety and they just act like "oh I understand" "I know what you mean"

I suggest an attitude more like, "F**k you if you don't like me, I'll find someone who f**king does"
But do talk to him. I believe in being authentic and honest about who you are. If nothing else tell him you like him but are very nervous. In college there was this girl had a crush on me, and I had a crush on her but both of us were terrified to talk to each other and guess what came out of all this.. ?

Thats right. Nothing.

If you do nothing, nothing will happen

What if this guy really liked you, but when you withdrew to the other side of the room and didn't make eye contact, he thought, "wow.. she really doesn't like me" and wrote you off..

On the other hand, your extreme nervousness could be due the fact something inside you tells you something is wrong...

 

[goddessliss]

If you want to be accepted, you should learn not to be accepted.

Lodestar this is very pertinent to many things I've been experiencing in my life right now but also what happened to me in childhood.
You don't have to relive what happened in the past but accepting it did and forgiving them in your heart makes all the difference to who you become not who you've been because of them. Letting things or other define you is just not right.
I do apply this advice to myself and sometimes I slip back but I always manage to get over it a lot quicker then I used to. I hope you can do the same.

 

[Lodestar]

Hi folks, just popped back in and saw some more replies here. Thanks all for your input! Juliah, Kincadefoster, Godessliss, I appreciate all input thankyou.

I would like to make a distinction though, between a 'flight or fight' response and just general shyness, nervousness or someone cautious, who has had some disappointing relationships.
There is a very big difference between the two, one arises from trauma and PTSD and the other is sometimes just a part of becoming a self conscious individual, or the rocky road of romance. Some of the same advice applies but definitely not all.

and yes kincadefoster, as a single gal, I definitely had more than friendship on my mind, thats what I'd meant to make clear if I did not. I love your reply though - a '**** you' attitude is not my style, but I definitely need to cultivate it in my life a little more. I admire your own journey with this! I have kind of been there and done that though. I can get over it, I can talk to people. I think it was because he caught me by surprise, it's hair-trigger response of a fear that is quite disturbing and more than nervousness can explain.

But you also make an excellent point of maybe the nervousness was telling me something was off, and you could also be bang on about that. That's the problem with trauma, it can be very hard to separate being triggered from actual very accurate intuition. So when people pile on the positive thinking stuff, of which there is so much of, it can really endanger you.

Which is why after many books and lots of help, I'm adamant on clarifying the unique nature of responses that result specifically from trauma. I want to make this distinction for others, who may be lost in the same forest I was in, wondering why being positive and brave never seemed to give me progress over this specific response.

And to answer my own question, with work I've been doing since, it's very difficult to resolve unconscious reactions with the conscious mind..it is in the unconscious where the answer lies.

 

[kincadefoster]

you know what, I forgot one thing that helps

give yourself permission to burn any interaction, as in, imagine in your mind that an interaction that went badly is like a sheet of paper in a file that you can just throw in the fire and laugh about it later. They don't really know you, so who gives a f**k what they think about you.

 

[Lodestar]

Thanks kincadefoster. I'm still not convinced I'm worried what they 'think' about me, in the specific reaction situations I'm focusing on here, I don't think that's the source of the reaction. Hence my post above.

However there are times I do worry what people think and there are plenty of interactions that don't go as well as I'd like, so your idea is very useful thankyou ! Funnily enough I was only introduced to a version of this about two weeks ago, and it's putting the experience/person in a bubble and letting it float away. I have to say it's really been working!! I never thought things like that could be so effective.