Getting Dad to move?

[rosada]

My father is 88 and entrenched in Southern California in this huge house with too many stairs and too much stuff. He and his wife have been looking at senior homes for several years now but nothing suits him. His fantasy is to get an RV and travel the road - fat chance. Anyway, I first asked the I Ching if there were anything I could do just to get him to come visit us here in the state of Washington. I tossed 52.3 changing to 23. That didn't look promising. Then I asked how will it evolve that Dad finally does move out of this stuck place he's in and received 2 changing to 52. Reads to me like he's never going to move. Anyone have a more optimistic interpretation or maybe a more helpful question?

 

[dobro p]

You keep drawing 52, which is about stillness, lack of activity and movement. That would suggest that his southern Californian home is the place he's gonna be.

"I first asked the I Ching if there were anything I could do just to get him to come visit us here in the state of Washington. I tossed 52.3 changing to 23."

52.3 indicates that you're in danger of suffocating the action of the heart in this situation. And *that* suggests that your asking about doing something to get him to move to Washington with you is a kind of counterproductive approach in this situation. It suggests you need to emphasize the compassion more.

"Then I asked how will it evolve that Dad finally does move out of this stuck place he's in and received 2 changing to 52."

I'd like to focus on a word you chose - 'evolve'. Your choice of words suggests that you see him physically moving out of his present residence as an evolution, a step up, a positive development. Yet applying what I've observed about old people to what you've described of your dad (he's attached to that California like a barnacle, right?), I'd say that he sees leaving his home as *anything but* an improvement. So maybe you ought to spend a little bit of time thinking about how you think you know what's best for your dad. You know, my mum died recently, and in the couple of years leading up to it the doctors were telling her things like 'don't drink quite so much - it isn't good for you - it'll impinge negatively on your health'. And privately, my mum said to me: "Sure, but at my age, what difference does it make? I like my wine." And you know, what my mum said made more sense to me than what the doctors said.

Okay, stepping off the soapbox and returning to the toss: 2.3.6>52.

2.3 is about how not displaying your brilliance gets things done best. In other words, if you don't exercise your superior insight into your dad's wellbeing, the situation will sort itself out.

2.6 is about primal conflict on the edges of the situation, which sort of sums up where you and dad are right now, in terms of opinions about his moving or staying.

Overall, 2>52 talks about an energetic receptivity to the situation which embodies a kind of stillness. If that applies to your dad, it means he's probably gonna stay in his present place. If it applies to you, then it's suggesting you adopt a receptivity to his not moving.

"Anyone have a more optimistic interpretation or maybe a more helpful question?"

A more helpful question, sure. "What do I need to know about how to deal with the issue of where my father spends the next few years of his life?" Rather than impose an agenda on the situation, it's a global, receptive question that allows the Yi to do what it does best - address situations globally.

Good luck to the both of you.

 

[void]

Er Rosada why do you want to make your dad do something he doesn't want to ? Its just your opinion the place hes in is wrong for him isn't it ? Maybe even though the house is too big etc its still the right place for him. At 88 can't he do what he wants ?

Re the readings I immediately see line 3 as quite literally saying to keep out of your fathers affairs, seek not to influence him, and if you don't might there not be a battle of wills.

Forgive me if I sound judgmental, probably theres more to the situation that makes you want him to move, and you are worried for him - Hey but if he wants to travel the open road why shouldn't he

.

 

[void]

Mmm crossed posts with Dobro and agree with all of it.

 

[hilary]

Thinks... (trying to avoid the battle of dragons, and not knowing how fit your Dad is)

stair lift?
converted bath?
carers coming in morning and evening?

The technology and services are available nowadays for people to stay in their own homes much longer than used to be possible.

 

[rosada]

Hi Folks,
Thanks for your attention to my question. I realize now i didn't give you enough of the background story to help you give me a clear reading (It's not my idea that they move, it is their's. They keep talking about it, thye say it's not healthy for them to stay where they are, but...NOTHING HAPPENS!) Still reading your feedback helps me clarify my own possition. I now see the 52.3 - 23 responce to my question, "How can I get Dad to come visit us in Washington?" as telling me to quit hoping for it. Even though Dad keeps telling me he longs to see his birth state again it just ain't gonna happen and it will only break my heart - 52.3 - to have to keep smiling and saying "Sure Dad", everytime something "comes up" and he has to cancel.
I phrased my second question, "How will it evolve.." not because I feel a move would necessarily be an improvement but because both he and his wife claim they must move but just as he can't seem to get out of the house for even a vacation, they don't seem to be able to make any plans or progress towards their spoken intention to relocate. So I'm wondering, they say they're gonna do it, but how the heck is it going to happen?
Both Void and Dobro seem to feel none of my bright ideas will be helpful, certainly that's already proven to be true. They moan they have too much to pack...I offer to come to California and help them..they change the subject. And although I can honestly say I am not urging them to move (I just respond to their saying they want to), I do think you have intuitively picked up on the idea that there is a power struggle going on here. Only it is not between Dad and me, it is between Dad - who can't bear to part with his garage full of mayonaise jars - and his wife who at 78 is fed up with the cooking and cleaning. So while Dad says he's got to move, he really doesn't want to. Whereas the wife really really wants to move. Anyway, that's probably the 2.6 drama.
gotta run

 

[rosada]

Got pulled away...to continue..
Thanks for tossing these ideas about with me...hmm.. I was going to write some nice little summation here about how I now get it that it's not my worry and to just let them figure it out on their own. But then I went and asked Dobro's question, "What do I need to know about how to deal with the issues of where my father spends the next few years of his life?" and I got 37, Family! I take it to mean I can't just bow out and say, "It's none of my business", but rather must persever and stay connected. Well, maybe the fact that I've let them know they can call on me for help is enough for now..
Anywho, thanks for helping me sort it out.
Rosada

 

[peace]

Hi Rosada:

I think all you can do is say your say - and let it go or it'll drive you crazy.

2.6 - it's become your drama too. I'd stay out of it so your father doesn't perceive it's him against two women (one who I know is very strong!!)

Maybe a visit from you and allowing your father to talk through all his ambivalence will help him sort things out - with you being the still mountain (52) and allowing him to feel all the pulls because you're providing the steadiness. It sounds like there's lots of variables pulling at him.

Hope that adds a little more....

Rosalie

 

[bradford_h]

Rosalie-
Your word "Ambivalence" is a really good term for 2.6 here. All those contradictory motions cancel each other out and lead to zero movement.

 

[rosada]

It certainly does help, Rosalie. Perhaps by listening to him not only can I have a greater sence of compassion, as Dobro and Void both feel is needed, cause I'll have a better understanding of what his situation really is, but also he may hear his own thoughts and then be better able to sort things out (while I keep my brilliance hidden!)
And thank you for your ideas too Hilary! I'm afraid the folks feel that since they must move, there isn't a need to consider how they might stay, so possible home alterations aren't even mentioned. However, 52.3 also reads to me as commenting on the pain of having to pretend something you don't really feel. So if I mention these ideas about remodling the house so they can stay, at least I'll be able to show i am not completely taken in by this talk of moving! HA!

Very interesting insight into why 2.6 means what it does, Brad. Hexagram 1, The Creative, talks about how the strong Yang line must endure in strength over time. In 2.6 we understand why. If Hexagram 2 is the Universe responding to ones intention and the intention is not strong- is ambivalent - and keeps changing well then by the 6th change we'll have all these contradictory motions which as you say, cancel each other and lead to zero movement. Or if not totally zero, then a mishmash of confusion as in then Hexagram 3 Difficulty at the Beginning? So difficulties at the beginning are the result of ambivalent intentions? Makes sence. I think I'll go consult the I Ching, "What are my father's intentions concerning his current residence?"

 

[micheline]

A little different take on 52.3 is that maybe it isn't such a bad idea for your dad to follow his heart and get the RV. If that's his heart's desire, maybe it is something he would actually find the oommph to do. strip down to the bare essentials and take off on the road. what a very GRAND finale that would be!

maybe saying "fat chance" is speaking too soon and discouraging to him. though i don't know the details...is it just a pipe dream?

but 2 to 52.....go with the flow and find peace. I often read 52 as a peaceful place to be.

my grandma was 93 when she died, and when you went to visit her in the nursing home, she always wanted a cigarette. At that time you could smoke in buildings and she always puffed away happily. Once she turned to my dad and asked him why he didnt smoke. He said wryly: "it shortens your life." She was 92 then. The humor went right over her head. My dad, who was a health nut, died at the young age of 72, but my mother is 80,strong as an ox, and still smoking a few cigarettes every day.
this is not a PRO-smoking message but I do think that elderly people should be free to choose and maybe take risks. Thay have enough 52.3 in their life, just by virtue of being old.

all the best to your dad and his missus.I hope they get to washington!

 

[hilary]

Oh, I see. Sorry, Rosada. I looked at 52.3 and thought 'someone is torn in two... I expect it's Rosada's Dad...' but couldn't make out what he'd be torn between, unless it was his desire to stay put and your desire that he move. If he wants both to stay and to move - and if he wants to travel but is maybe scared by the prospect of the upheaval - then it makes sense. Not that it makes life any easier at all, though.

I've seen people move from their homes because it just wasn't practical for them to stay. Some are genuinely happy with the change - usually because they'd got so frail that living alone was frankly terrifying - but many aren't. It can feel like your life is already over so you're moving (or being moved) tidily out of the way. Or it can feel like a prison (I can think of a couple of people who've said as much). At least in your own home you can imagine that you could hit the road.

37's literally 'people in the home' - and the home is the place they're invested in.

One more boring practical suggestion: hiring a cleaner/ home help. Unlike expensive alterations, that doesn't commit anyone to anything, but it would take some of the pressure off.

 

[rosada]

Thank you again, Friends.

Yeah, Micheline, I too thought Dad's idea to go off in an RV was kinda cool. When I said "fat chance" i meant he talks about this but doesn't make any effort to actually do it. I even offered to get him my friend's RV for the summer but he didn't take me up on it. But I'm being petty on this one. He really shouldn't be out driving about and I should be grateful he's not pressing to do it. Anyway, I like the idea that 2 - 52 promises quietly going with the flow can lead to tranquility.

Thank you for pointing out that 37, family, means "people in the home", Hilary. Certainly "People in the home" can mean having a helper come in. I'm glad you've made this "boring practical suggestion" because hearing it from you makes me realize it's a perfectly normal logical idea, whereas the folks had me thinking any considerations of alternatives to moving were somehow blaspheme.

Anyway, funny this whole subject seemed terribly urgent when I first posted and now it doesn't feel like a biggie at all. Going with the flow leading to tranquility already! Thank you all so much for walking me through it!

 

[rosada]

Also meant to mention that you are right on in sencing someone is "torn in two" here, Hilary. Actually, "I'm torn" is one of my fathers signature expressions. (I think it's his Mars in Libra that makes him get caught seeing the equal benefits of doing vs. not doing) Your mentioning this is very helpful as it clarifies for me how to be now that I understand that he is not in denial of his situation, he simply really is torn about what to do. Thanks!