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Getting to the Other Side of Confusion

malka

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Clarity Friends,

I've written in the past about personal challenges and you've been generous and supportive. I ask for your help once again. Despite being an intelligent woman, the area where I continue to struggle in life is romantic relationships. It can be difficult for me to hear and trust my own intuition in these matters, and so I often turn to Yi for guidance.

It might seem odd to some of you, but for me it's very difficult to know what's normal behavior and what's inappropriate (I only get confused with this in intimate situations, it's no problem with acquaintance or friends.) I tend to either over react and pull away when there is little or no danger, or stay and keep trying long after the train has left the station. It's frustrating, for as much as I try it's so often difficult for me to see what's going on while I'm in the situation. I get more clarity later on when it's usually too late to matter.

I started seeing someone recently, and from the beginning I've received mixed messages from him. My past plays out in my present close relationships by making it difficult for me to discern what I want, need, and will accept. Is he just expressing natural uncertainty about someone new, or is something wrong here? So here I am feeling stuck and unable to discern if this man is worth it or not. (I can name 100 reasons why I like him very much, but I'm struggling with being certain I'm seeing the whole picture.) I sometimes pull away abruptly out of self protection, but I can also hang around in a situation way too long.

I've asked a few questions today, and I don't really understand any of the answers. I'm too close to get a read about where to go from here.

First I asked what the best approach was for me to take with D? 64.4.6 to 7

Then I asked the Yi to help me see how D is for me - good for me or not? The answer I received was 36.2 changing to 11.

Realizing the above wasn't a great question, I asked two more:

What outcome on my life if I pursue this relationship? 3.1.5 to 2

What outcome on my life if I walk away? 37 unchanging.

Please, I ask for your help!!!
 

mick

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Malka,

These answers sound promising to me. Resulting hexagrams 11 and 2 seem especially positive.

I hope you don't mind me making this suggestion.

Would it be feasible for you to ask D about your relationship with him? How about something like,

"Since I've started seeing you I feel as though I've received mixed messages from you. Are you just expressing natural uncertainty about someone new, or is something wrong here?"

As I say, I hope you don't mind my making this suggestion. It may well not be feasible for you to approach him in this way.

I hope that things work out for the best for you whatever happens.

Best wishes,

Mick
 
C

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Hi Malka, here's what I'm extracting from your readings, in the order the questions were asked:

Moderation - Discipline

Rescue - Peace

Patience - Receptivity

Order - Wholeness

Is it possible to simply allow this relationship to develop into what its best suited to be, naturally? It feels as though you have a preconceived idea of how its supposed to be. This naturally places immediate conditions upon both of you to meet these requirements, or not. If his small giving isn't enough for now, then he may feel he will not be able to meet your conditions now or later.

Relationships ought to develop organically. Its right to have your limits and boundaries set and clear, but everything in-between these limits should develop naturally. Requiring more than the time permits is self-sabotage.
 

stuart

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It would seem that the situation of inner discontentment could hinder this promising relationship.You will need to work on your inner self and cast away any doubts and insecurities.I think in time you can make it work!.All good things take time,stick with it.
x
 

malka

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Thank you for these thoughts. Interesting to hear back from all men!

Mick - I welcome your suggestion and I have already talked to him. When I told him I felt mixed messages (his words and actions don't match, leaving me unsure if he is actually all that interested in me, or if he is interested in a relationship at all) and he insisted that he was interested and that he just expresses it differently, and specifically asked me to not close the door. I accepted what he had to say and agreed to keep things open. But then...the not calling me when he says he will and not following through in other ways continued. Last weekend I got a glimpse of his insecurity when he asked me if I just thought he was a "big dork"! I reassured him that wasn't the case at all, and we made plans for the next day. But then he blew off our date and didn't return my call when I attempted to reach him. After not hearing from him for a few days, in a very bold move I went to his house unannounced. More mixed messages: he was very glad to see me, he realized he's not ready for a relationship (no time), but says I'm not the first he's not called, says women have been in love with him and he walks away if he sees a glimpse it might not work out down the road, says he uses work and time as an excuse to not have a relationship, and says he finds me intelligent, nurturing and very beautiful. His worry with me is that we live in separate towns and how is this possibly going to work with time?

I didn't challenge him at all and just let him have space to share whatever he wanted to say and I listened. My married female friends say I should have jumped in there to dispute what he says, "fight back" and not give him so much space. They urged me to challenge his doubts about the relationship and speak up about my feelings. But that just isn't my way. He is a lovely, generous, thoughtful, nurturing man. I like him and want to get to know him. But he is obviously also insecure. I am in my own way too. We are just starting out to know each other. It feels like the blind leading the blind. I can't tell if his warmth and generosity make it worth dealing with his insecurity and lack of confidence. Will this diminish over time if we became committed? Or are we setting up a disrespectful pattern I'll later regret? He did apologize all over the place for not calling. He claimed it was a combination of not being sure we would work down the road, and something coming up with his daughter. I told him I wasn't angry or hurt and certainly understood that he was called to be with his daughter, but that I did need the communication piece - I needed him to communicate with me what was going on. He said he understood.

We left things ambiguous. His says he doesn't have time for the kind of relationship he thinks I want (I've never said what I want and at this point I'm not yet sure what I want!) but he also told me again how he uses time as an excuse and over commits himself to things so he isn't available. And, he doesn't want to do this anymore. And, he thinks I'm a wonderful person and very beautiful and easy to talk to. More mixed messages.

Candid - you are right about relationships developing organically. But I don't know how to work with all that's going on here. It's gotten confusing.

After reflecting on everyone's comments today I considered calling him to say I thought we'd given up too soon. I asked Yi about the outcome of this and received 49.2 to 43. When I read the line translation about this being the "proper day" and "moving forward: good fortune" I decided to go for it. I left him a voicemail. I guess we'll see if he calls back.

Stuart - you are right that inner discontentment is the issue here. But again, I'm unclear how to discern if this level of anxiety and insecurity and discontentment is something I want to deal with or not. I just don't know. I can't tell. What is normal early relationship uncertainty and what is unacceptable behavior? If it's this hard now, what's to come? I should be able to know myself well enough to answer these basic questions, but I cannot.

Malka
 
D

dharma

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Malka,
perhaps it might help you to work through this by literally relegating all idea of romantic involvement with him to the "back-burner" until you feel really secure about the nature of the friendship that develops between you over time. if/when that ever happens (when you feel safe with this person, that is), you will know it, without a shadow of a doubt.

any nervousness you feel about involvement with him should always fill you with a joyous excitement, not doubt. it's the presence of doubt that kills relationships before they have time to blossom. and doubt gains entry when we don't give ourselves enough time to study and evaluate the deeper intentions that others have towards us and how we feel about all that.

it will also help to seriously consider how you go about forming friendships with others who you're *not* sexually attracted to (ie. distant cousins, co-workers or women specifically, if you are straight) and compare them. what do you do differently that makes them work out, for example?

finally, have respect for the fears that are still present and surfacing in this area of your life and be really gentle with yourself. it's important that you develop implicit trust with yourself - that, afterall, is the real key to your dilemma. when Malka can really trust Malka, she'll come around
 

malka

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Dharma,

Thank you for this good suggestion. I'm reminded this has been suggested to me before: to allow romantic relationships to form and develop just as platonic relationships. I am different and I do have different expectations of men. I can't believe I *forgot* about this and allowed it to happen with D! Thank you for the reminder.

Having respect, and even compassion for my fears in this area is very difficult. I agree with you that trust in myself is the real dilemma, and I'm just not sure how to strengthen my own inner trust. I imagine it takes time and patience.

Malka
 

malka

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Please, how do people interpret this? In the spirit of moving ahead with pursuing this relationship as above, I chose to write D an email today. I wanted to tell him some things about myself, as it's felt he's been more open about his story with me than I have been with him. If nothing else, this was good for me to allow myself to be vulnerable and be seen for more of who I really am. Though it's also true I shared some things about myself with him out of a desire to feel closer to him. I wrote what felt right to me, listened to my heart, and I hit "send."

Then a couple hours later, feeling nervous about what I had done, wanting feedback NOW, etc. I asked Yi for a lens into the future. When I asked about D's reaction to what I wrote, I received 14 unchanging. But when I asked about the outcome on our relationship as a result of the email, I received 38.1.5 to 6.

I'm stuck to understand this second reading, and the nature of relationship of the readings to each other. Both of the lines in 38 do refer to "regret vanishing," and line 5 specifically mentions a companion that bites through a veil. Isn't this what I did by sharing myself?

LiSe writes the following about line 5: "Often it is scary to take the first step towards people. Most people don?t even conceive the idea. Once the contact has been made, the reward is usually great. But the greatest profit is having the guts to do it. These guts will shape your entire life differently, because everybody is always waiting for the one who initiates the contact."

This is lovely and seems to describe the situation I placed in motion, yes? And Alfred Huang says in this case I should only read the changing yin line which is line 5. But how do I resolve the quality of hex38 and hex06 with what the line has to say? What is the nature of the true answer I received?

Another questions ---- tell me, do you feel it's silly and worthless to even explore and make use of Yi in this way I'm doing? I mean, I'll find out soon enough what the outcome is of the email and how he feels. Is using Yi to manage my anxiety and insecurity in this moment, instead of being patient to see what life evolves, to be an abuse? Are there any old writings or instructions about the proper use of Yi? (Yes Hilary, I've read your wonderful article about this already! Maybe my answer lies there?)

Even before receiving your responses, I wish to thank you for being out there, for reading this, and for sharing your thoughts. It's a comfort to know I can reach out to this community when needed in these wacky and uncomfortable moments.

Malka
 

malka

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I just asked what kind of action D will take as a result of the email, and received 64 unchanging. Interesting, the transition of disorder into order? Starting a new cycle?

Yes, I'm going to put Yi down now for awhile. No more questions until I see a little real life unfold.

Malka
 

malka

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Well, I feel disappointed that there's been no response to my follow-up postings. It's a vulnerable thing to share a tender situation on the forum and it's even harder when there is no feedback. For the last couple days I've felt that I must have said something wrong, or people must think I'm an idiot, or I've done something that in some way is unattractive that has pushed people away. Perhaps it's not true, perhaps you just have nothing to say in response, but gosh - silence is sure painful sometimes!

Anyway, I heard from D and he doesn't want to continue, says he was introduced to someone else last week who lives nearby and he wants to pursue something with "that person." Ouch. And yet, in my very own journal last week I wrote "I left D's house last night pleased and very clear that he isn't right for me. I want to remember this so I have no questions later. Also, everything I suspected about him seems to be true -- this should be validation for me. "

And yet despite this, two days later I found myself wanting to find a way to make it work and consulting Yi. Believe me, I am not this messed up in other areas of my life!! But when it comes to intimacy (I mean emotional, I did not sleep with him!) I just can't think straight.

When I tried to cut this off a couple weeks ago, and he convinced me not to, I found myself feeling torn between trusting what I knew to be true (this wasn't working), and trusting him (yes, let's continue). In the end I choose to trust him and look where it got me? Now he's broken it off with me!! I'm sad, and yet I was never sure about him anyway. It's confusing.

Dharma, you got it right. What needs to happen here is that I need to trust me. The problem is, if I had followed my gut a few weeks ago I'm sure that today I'd be wondering if I gave up too soon without giving it a chance. It is sad that it's so hard to trust my doubt. I can't tell if it's real doubt, or if it's defensive/protective doubt.

All this said, there was one particularly lovely quality about him that I was glad to experience, and I hope to meet someone in the future with this quality also. I'm glad to take this as a gift of the relationship, as brief as it was. Interesting that last night I had a dream about two men, one wanting to drive my car (my old car, not the one I drive now!) and the other sat in the passenger seat. I agreed reluctantly and climbed in the back. Then suddenly, I jumped out and literally yanked the guy out of the driver's seat kicking and screaming and jumped in myself! The next thing I knew, I was driving a brand new rental car through a scary neighborhood, feverishly checking to see that each door was locked and I was safe. Anyone out there interpret dreams?

Truth - I have never had a man fall in love with me. Not ever. I have been in relationships, and I have felt love for others, but no one has ever been in love with me, rather they seem to always feel they could do better. No one has said this, but looking back this is what I see. And believe me, I am attractive so it's not that at all. So you can see I've selected the wrong people. No wonder it's hard to trust myself, trust who I'm attracted to or even what attraction is. Confusing.

If anyone has any suggestions about how I might use Yi to work with this, I'm open to listening. I want very much to learn and to grow. I need to develop my confidence and self-esteem, I do know. Thank you.

Malka
 

malka

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Dharma, would you expand on this "doubt gains entry when we don't give ourselves enough time to study and evaluate the deeper intentions that others have towards us and how we feel about all that." It was lovely to read but I'm not sure I really understood what you meant. I want to learn, however, and I trust you have something important to offer. Thank you.
 

mick

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Malka,

I'm sorry I didn't reply.

When I read, "No more questions until I see a little real life unfold" I wasn't sure if you wanted a reply or not so I chose not to reply.

I was going to say something like this...

Please be patient with yourself. Give yourself time and space to let things unfurl at their own pace.

Do you like gardening? Spending time outdoors?

If so, now might be a great time to spend time in the country, close to nature enjoying the Spring change to Summer at a pace that cannot be rushed.

Best wishes,

Mick
 

malka

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Mick,

Thank you for the kind words. I live in the country and so enjoying nature is very easy for me to do, and something I enjoy very much. When I woke up this morning there was something about the way the sun came through my bedroom window where it moved through a house plant I have, and it colored the entire room GREEN. It felt comforting and healing and I just breathed it in. Ahhh.........

I'm feeling very sad and have that hurt feeling in the pit of my stomache that I believe comes from the cords of connection being pulled out by someone else. D and I are definitely no longer connected. It hurts. And yet I wasn't all that interested in him!! I think it hurts so much because at the 11th hour I shared a tender part of my story with him and made myself vulnerable even though I knew I wasn't very interested and it looked that he wasn't either. But that's when I choose to open up. I feel that this choice was hurtful to myself, and I'm trying to understand why I made the choice that seemed to make so much sense at the time. Why couldn't I just walk away when I knew that's what I wanted? WHY DID I GIVE HIM THE POWER TO WALK AWAY FROM ME? Well, at least in my dream I worked through it by pulling him out of the driver's seat and getting back in myself!

Blessings,
Malka
 
D

dharma

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<BLOCKQUOTE><HR SIZE=0><!-Quote-!><FONT SIZE=1>Quote:</FONT>

would you expand on this "doubt gains entry when we don't give ourselves enough time to study and evaluate the deeper intentions that others have towards us and how we feel about all that."<!-/Quote-!><HR SIZE=0></BLOCKQUOTE> perhaps this - doubt is what is left of our energetic drive to lead our lives well after we've handed over the keys of our power to someone else to act in our stead.

i've so been where you are and i really can identify with all you're going through. i didn't respond a second time because i believed that what i originally said was sufficient unto itself and that when you recognized the value of my words and were moved by them enough to follow them, that you'd be on your way to mastering the art of being faithful and true to yourself. and so i didn't think there was anything more i could add.

you see, i truly believe that we will always attract the kind of person who best fits the inner image we hold of ourselves at any given time. if, for instance, we don't yet love/trust ourselves, we will attract others who will show this lack to us in a manner we aren't likely to forget. and until the moment we come to understand that we are meeting up with ourselves WHEREVER we go, it will become a repetitive theme in our lives.

initially, it often seems that the path of least resistence is the only way to get what we want, so we look outside ourselves to a special someone who attracts our attention and who seems to hold so much promise. the thing is, if we don't yet love/trust ourselves, then we will blindly hand the precious authority of our own lives over to others in the hopes that they will do right by us. when we do this though, we are in effect entrusting THEM to do our work for us. but since you are both mirroring each other, HE is as hopeful as YOU are about getting his love and trust needs met through you, as you are about getting your love/trust needs met through him.

inevitably, two empty soup cans won't add up to dinner; it won't take long for you both to feel betrayed by the other. but the truth is that neither of you betrayed anyone other than yourselves. you've allowed yourself to believe that love lies out there somewhere and that others are withholding it from you, and this is false. what is more true is that you had at some time in your life decided to relegate love as something not-you (or not-for-you) and you are now meeting-up with this decision everytime you hope to encounter it in someone else.

take the time to really get to know yourself. look closely at what motivates you to want the things you want out of life. even more so, why is being in a relationship so important to you that you are possibly avoiding fully relating with the most important person in your life -yourSelf. in doing so you will discover that love is a power that resides withIN you. you've always had it but forgot it was already there at your disposal so there is no need to look for it out there. when you open up that well within you you will begin to attract men who have done exactly the same.

begin the journey by first questioning what motivates you to give your heart away too soon to a relative stranger and instead of acting on it, remind yourself that if a man has YET proven to you that he is genuinely capable of leading himself, what are the chances that he can and will for you? "believing in him" is not enough, you have to "believe in yourself".

finally, keep asking yourself, how can i possibly believe that i will attract to myself someone who embodies the qualities of confidence and of trust if i have not yet wholly and completely committed myself to unearthing this powerhouse from within mySelf?

and as far as your dream goes, i'm glad to see that you took control of the driver's seat, as you should. but this situation of safety is a temporary one as reflected by the "rental" car. you have work ahead of you. what you want is something permanently yours, not just a loaner. you want, not only to be in the drivers seat and in control of your life choices, but of feeling secure about the relationship itself; in that sense, you want the car rightfully belonging to you.

Malka, if you have any questions, don't be shy about asking.
peace
 

malka

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Dharma,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wise and kind words. I am going to sit with them for awhile, and yes, I am sure I will have questions and further comments. What I can tell you right now is that your words ring true to me, and are the kind of thing I already know and yet in practice somehow forget. Thank you.

With gratitude and peace,
Malka
 

gene

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Malka

Wishing you the best. I think Dharma has some very wise words, but, I guess, you already knew that.

Hope everything works out well for you.

And think how blessed you are living out in the country with that beautiful sunshine, and it sounds like you have a beautiful home.

Gene
 

malka

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Gene, good to hear from you and thank you for your wishes!

I've had a good day. I first went to the gym and as soon as I started moving -- my body just burst into tears and I sat in the locker room just crying for a good bit of time. Then I ran errands, got a bunch of work done, and was entirely focused and productive at a couple of very important meetings. Thank goodness!

I remembered today all the questions I had about D these last weeks, and I remembered my instincts and what my intuition told me about what was happening. As soon as I remembered all of this, and remembered that I was proven correct, the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach slid away and I somehow came back into myself. I still feel a little sad, but my sadness isn't for D himself, it's disappointment at the loss of a relationship.

Yes, I do feel blessed to see the deer roam through my yard, eating my flowers along the way. And the sunshine today was truly magnificent!!

Thank you all for your generous support.

Malka
 

malka

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Dharma,

I'm reading through your words slowly --

"any nervousness you feel about involvement with him should always fill you with a joyous excitement, not doubt. "

Yes, I understand what you're saying here. And I would say that at first, I did feel a nervous kind of excitement that was nice. But pretty quickly it changed from this. It changed when I started getting mixed messages, and I just didn't feel he was being entirely clean (honest) in his communication. I did take the step with D I never would have a few years ago -- I checked out the mixed messages with him. I expressed my confusion. But when his verbal response was so different from what I was feeling from him, and I felt even more torn -- torn between what I felt to be true and what he presented to me -- in the end I abandoned myself.

But I am okay with this. It was very important learning. And, even though I didn't make the best choice for me, I was aware of the choices I made as I made them, and I was aware of all that was happening. I WAS PRESENT. This for me is a very good thing. It was also probably the first time I was so aware during my confusion -- aware of my body's responses to the confusion. Again, this is a good thing for me. Perhaps next time I'll have the confidence to act on my intuition even if it means walking away. I act on my intuition a million other times in my day, perhaps I'll learn to bring this to my intimate relationships also.

Thanks for listening,
Malka
 
D

dharma

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Malka,<BLOCKQUOTE><HR SIZE=0><!-Quote-!><FONT SIZE=1>Quote:</FONT>

Perhaps next time I'll have the confidence to act on my intuition even if it means walking away. I act on my intuition a million other times in my day, perhaps I'll learn to bring this to my intimate relationships also.<!-/Quote-!><HR SIZE=0></BLOCKQUOTE> eventually you will, and sometimes you'll even find yourself taking two steps back just when you thought you'd made more headway. but don't worry though 'cause at some point after practicing this being-more-aware-of-yourself-in-relationships thing, it'll start becoming more natural and instinctive and one day you'll feel like you've taken the most incredible leap forward; you'll be surprised at how far you actually made it when you were busy tending to other things - that's how smooth it'll become
thanks for sharing
 

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