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have i got a mental illness 31-2

yxeli

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Hi...

Hungry souls and angry ghosts...

wondering why i self sabotaged the most beautiful thing ive ever experienced.

have i got a mental illness? 31 3,4,5 to 2

???


:cloud:

Yx
 

pocossin

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Yes, Yxeli, lovesickness is a mental illness. And did you sabotage anything? No. And did you ask the question and get 31 on the first cast? Not likely. I am so suspicious :)
 

lavalamp

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" wondering why i self sabotaged the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced, have i got a mental illness? "

31.3
You have to learn to hold back and not chase every attractive thing your heart wants. And you have to be true to yourself, not the whims of others. Learn inhibition.
31.4
If you can steady your heart centered on your good impulses, your easily influenced heart will influence others in a good way. The weakness is also a gift in a way. Community service might be a good exercise for you, taking care of everyone.
31.5
Keep your love and the lessons learned in a quiet still place deep inside. You are learning from your mistakes.
>2
Trust that you are being guided, and follow. The way will open for you.

- LL
 

yxeli

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poc- it was the first cast actually

Lavalamp, thank you for a very succint interpretation. I think you got it spot on.

Yx
 

hopex

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Nah Yxeli - like my mum said its hard being young and like the old
say - if i were young and knew what I know now.

Really imagine yourself 10 years ahead with more experience and maturity what
would you say to your younger self ? Havecompassion he who has not loved has not
lived - loving is its own reward it is more pleasing for the one loving than the one loved.

Mutuality and gently development is the path of enduring love - and sometimes people need to part and grow up a bit to come back together. Hold onto reason in the midst of your passions.

Is Yi telling you to be attract !?
:hug:
 

yxeli

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Really imagine yourself 10 years ahead with more experience and maturity what
would you say to your younger self ?
Thanks Hopex..

I asked Yi!

50 3,6 >40

9 at 3: The vessel is stripped of its ears. One's moving is blocked. The juice of the pheasant is not eaten. Rain in the region makes regret pass away. In the end auspicious.
Before one can start to accomplish something big, there has to be order in one’s life. From out a mess, neglect, faults or lack of oversight, only a disaster can ensue. First of all, look around you and mend what has to be mended. Examine your intuition, your plans, your tools, the cooperation you can expect and the quality of your helpers.

there is no order in my life right now, i have very low self esteem and i projected that onto the relationship.

Above 9: The vessel has jade rings. Great auspiciousness. There will be harvest.
Spiritual inspiration is one of the greatest things that can happen to you. It makes every aspect of your life shining, from health to relations, work, appearance, creativity, happiness. Treat it with great reverence, keep it clean and far from anything, which pulls it down. It is healing and holy.

that we had something really special that helped me to transform

40- Freedom is to be innocent.
Guilt is the most massive prison wall there is. It makes you do, think and be what others prescribe.
If you think yourself something should be done, then do it. If not, then don’t – and don’t let anyone point at you and make a feeling of guilt in you. And never do that yourself. Making guilt is a crime against life.
Stay free and leave free.

i felt like everyone was talking about us and they were, his friends would interrupt us almost on purpose. i felt like i was in the middle of a manipulative game that i didnt know the rules for. he was totally inconsistant and treated me like ****. in public, big man, never came near me, in private, 50.6 thats what i get from 40.

Yx
 

dragona

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Hi...

Hungry souls and angry ghosts...

wondering why i self sabotaged the most beautiful thing ive ever experienced.

have i got a mental illness? 31 3,4,5 to 2

???


:cloud:

Yx

What a great question to ask! I want to ask that myself, but I think I may get the same answer!! :p And not young to that..:blush:
At least lavalamp would not have to write the same post gain...
"I am not young enough to know everything" Oscar Wilde :hug:
 

hopex

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31 to 2 would be the young female attracting her life mate - be lead like
the mare. 50 to 40 would be rich (in spirit) and free IMHO

if you asked if you were bonkers then I would say Yi's response was that you
are on a natural life course of attracting and yielding in the Yin

if you asked what your older self would have to say to your younger self then
50 and 40 could not be better I think. You grow full and beyond these restrictions
- which may be angry ghosts internal saboteurs (like my parens divorced i cant relate
right - not saying thats you, just an example)

what has happened Yx did you split up? Oh you may feel stronger when you are on the
work track you want to be. If creating music is too woolly for you - how about part time
blah work so you have some normalcy and continuity - less introversion at this time?
 

yxeli

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Thanks everyone.

I never thought I would ever be in this position, the oxytocin filled woman craving after a man.

Before this experience i didnt know what love was.

This is going to be a long post, so I understand if noone responds. I think I just need to set it down, to put it out there.

It started over three years ago. I had suffered a bad experience (young friend dying) and I moved back home to my parents. I felt ok when i moved home, for whatever reason, my reaction to my friends death was very positive. It put everything into perspective, (my social anxieties and my isolation), and i decided that i would leave all that behind, expinge any bad thoughts and try to rebuild a social life for myself.

I knew Paul (the one who i love) for a few years beforehand. He is a musician and we hung out in the same circles. He was always fun and we had a kind of 56 relationship.

When i forced myself to go out to social events on my own, I felt strong and full of courage, like this time i would not expect anything, but approach everyone with love and try to be my whole self and belay any bad thoughts i had been having previously about my insecurities with people.

Paul is very observant, He is a leader on the scene and is all about making people feel comfortable. Because of my own background in this group ( i make electronic music, the only girl in the group who does) i was very much accepted into the group and people wanted to get to know me better. On a few occasions, Paul invited me to house parties after gigs, and because at that point to me he was 56, and very much a central figure in this group i wanted to be part of, i went along, plus i wanted to be around him. he is a leo, full of fun and very accommodating. We would sit with 2 or 3 others and chat all night. Because i am so inexperienced with wooing or what is entailed, i was very unaware of his advances,one night his friend asked me to stay longer after others had left, i later realised that this was on the bequest of paul.

Another night we spent together, he kissed me. That was great, but because i also knew that he was a bit of a player (from being on the scene for so long) i didnt persue it or think anything of it.

a month went by and i didnt see him, on gmail chat he announced to me out of the blue that he had slept with someone the night before. i didnt like this approach?? what was he trying to say? why was he telling me this?? This was the beginning of the confusion i felt. I just wrote back saying good for you, and didnt write anyhting else.

a few gigs in a row i noticed he was watching me from afar, not approaching me though. nothing was really happening and I in my inexperience decided to intiate things. basically on a few occasion we ended up together kissing and stuff, no sex but him staying over. One night it must have went well, we went out for lunch the next day and he invited me to the countryside with him to his friends house. Its still one of the most beautiful memories i have of this life.

when we were travelling ot his friends house, this song came on the radio

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGrx6etMl0w

he reached over to me and said that this is you. He knew how lonely i was. he reached out for me. I'm now crying thinkign about it.

when that trip was done, i didnt hear from him, 3 weeks later we were both at the same gig and i got alot of dutch courage and asked him straight out why he hadnt contacted me since then. i was really pushy and it was quite embarraqsing, he had nothing to do but to grab my hand and bring me home. we had sex that night and the next day he was totally defensive, and so was i. It like everytime i went near him i got super defensive and he mirrored that. he basically kicked me out that morning, but just as i turned at the threshold to say goodbye, he has tears in his eyes.

???

i just didnt understand any of it. it drove my mad. i thought about him all the time trying to figure out his intentions.

a week later we met at a gig this time, he seemed really vulnerable and shy, he invited me back to a party, and i was so terrified and defensive i didnt go. i just couldnt relax.


basically thats the entire story, replayed a thousand times over the space of three years. sometime he woudl initiate and i would run away, sometime i would and he would show disinterest.

my esteem got less and less, everytime i overreacted to his advances. i couldnt understand why i couldnt let the most beautiful thing ive ever known happen. why i couldnt be myself.
im crying again.

not only did i have to deal with this, but on a few occasion i had to deal with his friends who hardly knew me, asking me questions and i felt very intruded upon. obviously he had been talking. they would suddenly communicate with me after we had been together and it made me not trust him. what was he saying, what conclusions were they helping him to draw. It really ****ed me up.

the judgements, the assumptions, and the harsh words he would someitmes say to me under the influence of alcahol or other things burned me deep inside. so the more defensive i became.

the last time he came on to me was on paddys day last year, after spending a few nights at christmas with eachother. again i was totally confused as usual, no commitment, just totally 4.

he walked me home thatnight, again his play to get me was to say he fancied someone else, like the time he said he had slept with someone else. I was really angry with him and we had a bit of an argument, he went off to meet others but he really wanted to come inside with me, but it had been such a headmess for so long i let him wander off.

later that night he broke his feet, i had a proper psychic experience that day. is saw him in agony on a gurney. I knew before i knew what had happened to him.

that night i was hangin out with his friends, and they told me.

i sent him some texts just to comfort him, and his replies seemed apologetic too. he was off his feet for 3 months. I should have gone to see him in hospital, but i was still so angry with him for treating me the way he did, that i didnt.

all i wanted was for him to invite me around so i could help him during that time. he never did.

i got really upset and sent some really horiible text messages when he was already down and out.

and that was it.

he was still interested up until christams this year, he wanted to repair the damage but i had heard that he had been with others since then and i let him have it.

he is now in aloose relationship with another girl.

I am still holding onto this i thing because i know his assumptions about me are wrong, i know that this was all 3, and i know that i wasnt who i am around him. it was so hard to even soeak to him normally, i was so terrified. this is why i think i might have some major intimacy issues that i never realised.

it just feels like we never really gave it a proper chance.

I asked the yi today, what is the realit of this relationship now? 31 3,4 >8

what does he think of me? 47 5,6>64

and what should my position be? 31 3,5> 16


Thank you for reading this.

Yxx
 

lavalamp

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YXX - offbook - it's not about whether he gave you a chance. The right person will not use jealousy to manipulate your actions. Jealous sex is poison for your heart and love.

What should my position be?
_ You got both of these lines last time, right? _
31.3
You have to learn to hold back and not chase every attractive thing your heart wants. And you have to be true to yourself, not the whims of others. Learn inhibition.
31.5
Keep your feelings in a quiet still place deep inside. Learn from your mistakes.

>16
Find some good people to play with, and fill your heart with uplifting emotions.

- LL
 

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