Help with interpretation please?

[pixiestix]

Hello eveyone,

I have just started on my way with I Ching, and was wondering if anyone would be so kind as to help me interpret a response that I got.

I asked if I should believe all that my mother in law was telling me about my sister in law. My sister in law has caused myself and my husband a lot of upset and heartache over the years, and we no longer wish to have contact with her. My mother in law is saying my sister in law is lovely and mother in law wishes we could all be friends again. It goes against everything I feel, I feel my sister in law has a very toxic effect on our lives.

I got Hex 27 Jaws with 6 on lines 2 and 3.

I understand about being careful about what I take in...food, words etc. The food bit rings a bell with me at the moment too, on a different matter. I had cancer earlier this year, and changed my diet, which was OK, to being very healthy, and I have really put myself first now and am concentrating on getting fit an well.

I did ask another question 'what should my attitude towards my sister in law be? I got hex 27 again, with no changing lines.

Am I getting a message about not believing everything I am told, and about food too?

I feel I need to concentrate my energy on myself......hope that doesn't sound selfish!

I look forward to hearing what others think.

Jacquie

 

[Trojina]

Who we associate with and have as part of our lives is as much nourishment as food or drink is. Your answer is quite literal in that its asks you to look at the effects of how that relationship nourishes you. Now you say your sister in law has a toxic effect on your lives - well that is your answer. The effect of nourishing yourself on that relationship is toxic, its bad for you and you know it, you feel it. Other advice in this hexagram is also to look how others nourish themselves to have an insight into their motives etc. Wilhelm says if we wish to know what anyone is like, we only have to observe on whom he bestows his care and what sides of his own nature he cultivates and nourishes So in order to think about how much your reservations about her are justified perhaps you might consider how she operates in other relationships or what she 'nourishes' herself on.

IMO I think the Yi is saying look at this relationship like food. If a food made you sick over and over again would you eat it ? If someone said to you 'oh no that foods lovely, its good for you' would you believe them or your own aversive physical reaction ?

I actually think this is quite a strong answer from the Yi . 27.3 especially is a warning not to nourish your self on what is not good for you. Also as you have been ill its even more important you take care of yourself emotionally as well as physically. Hmm so in a nutshell if you find this really toxic don't take it.

There can be so much family pressure to get along but if someone is truly toxic in your life, family or not, I think you have a right to protect yourself.

 

[willowfox]

I got Hex 27 Jaws lines 2 and 3.

Basically this is saying avoid your sister in law or expect to have more trouble from her, so stay away from her and don't listen to your mother in law.

Hex 26 says "not eating at home brings good fortune", your sister in law is at "home" is again avoid her.

 

[pixiestix]

Thank you so much Trojan and Willowfox for your replies, they have given me a lot of insight, and certainly taught me to look at the judgement and all of the text from different angles.

I never thought to look at relationships as nourishment, but that makes sense now, and it all seems to fall into place. Especially to look at how others nourish themselves, that really opened my eyes. Not eating at home...I see those words in a different light now too.

Deep down I knew it wasn't right to have her in our lives (as I did the last two times we all got back on friendly terms, because my mother in law wanted the family together. It all went horribly wrong very quickly). I think I just wanted to confirm my own judgement.

Having faced my own mortality made me really think about who and what was really important in my life, what really mattered.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it has helped me enormously. I have so much to learn, and feel so excited at looking deeper into the book of changes. It helps to come here and see other peoples interpretations of the hexagrames and lines.

Thank you
Jacquie x

 

[dobro p]

I asked if I should believe all that my mother in law was telling me about my sister in law.
I got Hex 27 Jaws with 6 on lines 2 and 3.


Am I getting a message about not believing everything I am told, and about food too?

I don't think it's about food; I think it's about what you need to know and do vis a vis the question you asked: how to view your sister-in-law. Hex 27 is about quality nutrition (in this case psychological nutrition rather than the physical sort), and if you look at the individual lines, you'll see that it's more about what NOT to feed yourself on in your search for good input. It's as if the Yi is saying: "Avoid the junk food, and good nutrition will take care of itself." As for me, I think it's a balancing act: avoid the junk food, AND maintain an orientation toward quality input.

So, 27.2.3>26? It sounds something like this: "You can believe some of what you hear about your sister-in-law, but some you should reject; some of it you can take in and use to construct your interpretation of what sort of person she is; some you must reject. In all of this, there will be an element of strong restraint."

You decide what about her is good, what is bad, and keep your mouth shut, in other words.

 

[dobro p]

Gee, I forgot something. I said 'keep your mouth shut' because a big meaning of Hex 26 is strongly restraining urges and impulses. But another meaning of Hex 26 which I forgot talks about 'eating away from home' - in other words, getting input away from the usual sources. So in this case, that would mean getting other opinions about the sister-in-law. What do other people who have dealt with her think of her?

And finally, remember that a person has a different effect on different people. Lots of people might find her okay or even nice, but she still might be toxic to you. It's that 'toxic' word which is key, by the way. On the one hand, it means you have to take her in carefully measured doses. On the other hand, it means you should be investigating what it is IN YOU that is reacting so allergically to her. That's where the real gold is. Find that, and she becomes so unimportant by comparison. Find that, and she becomes less toxic.

 

[pixiestix]

Hi Dobro

Thank you so much for your replies.

As I was eating breakfast this morning, I thought I would find some quiet time today and ask the I Ching why I have such a problem with my sister in law. I would like to think it is self preservation, but I might be surprised at the answer I receive. So you and I were thinking along the same lines there.

My mother in law is prone to exaggeration, so I am very measured in what I believe. My husband says cut whatever is being said in half, and you are pretty close to the truth. My sister in law always boasts about what she has got/doing, and critisizes whatever you have etc. I think she is very insecure.

We are lucky that we don't have to see here very often, only on family get together...funerals, christenings and big birthdays etc.

You write about getting input away from home. Well, she will weigh up what use you are to her, and you will be treated accordingly. Money is her motivator. She treated her mother dreadfully up until a couple of years ago, when she found out that her mother was in line to inherit rather a lot of money from an elderly relative, who her mother looks after on a daily basis. She keeps telling her mother "you're not her daughter, you shouldn't be looking after her", which I thought was just dreadful.

The relative is her mother's mother's sister, who is on her own now, 83 and can hardly walk. Of course she won't say no to any money that comes her way when the relative dies! Again she is jealous of the time her mother gives this relative. She weighs up how much time her Mum spends with either of her brothers, so her Mum has to be careful.

My sister in law treats her husband dreadfully. To be frank I am amazed that he has not left. Even her own children aged 13 and 11 tell her she nags too much. She lost 5 of her friends in one week. Quite what happened I don't know, but one of them sent a letter saying she no longer wished to have any contact with her, and that she had never been treated so badly in her life. I think the other 4 followed. My mother in law said my sister in law hadn't done anything to upset her friend. In my mind adults don't write such letters lightly.

She has lunch once a week with a man who is about 15 years older than her (he pays and is wealthy!). This has gone on for 15 years now, but only came to light when her youngest child learned to speak and was able to spill the beans. The man is Godfather to her children and he and his wife are family friends. His wife has no idea they meet. He has driven her up to visit her mother when the children were younger, for a whole weekend. He did stay in a hotel. His wife thought he was away playing cricket for the weekend. My sister in laws husband is not happy about the situation, and wants it to stop, but she insists they are just friends. So why not tell his wife that, if all is innocent and above board??

I could go on and on, and I have not told you the really bad stuff, which is the reason we have no contact.

On a more positive note, I would like to say a big thank you to you all. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and that I no longer have to feel guilty, my instincts were right, and I feel I am doing what is right for myself and my family. I feel so 'light' about the whole situation with my sister in law, as though it is no longer there pricking my concsience. Like the tentacles are loosening their grip. I really cannot convey enough the feelings of relief that I have.

It is funny, of all the questions that I could have asked the I Ching, the two questions in this thread were my very first. Maybe they needed to be answered.

I will let you know what hex I get back when I ask 'why I react as I do to my sister in law'. It will be interesting to see what comes back. I am prepared to learn and change for the better.

Best go now, I am sure you will have lost the will to live reading this!

 

[rosada]

Just wanting to point out here that 27. PROVIDING NOURISHMENT says in the image:

"The superior man is careful of his words and temperate in eating and drinking."

I think the key idea here is "temperate". If you try to rule out contact with your sister-in-law completely you cause your mother-in-law to stress and make a big effort to get everybody back together. However, is it possible to just quietly tone down the contact you have so it's not so frequent? Keep in touch enough so no one would call you estranged, but distant enough so your lives aren't effected by her behavior? The Middle Path!

Also, "Careful with his words" can be guiding you to be mindful how you discribe this relationship to others. I found your update above fascinating, I wanted you to write on and on about this crazy woman! I was feeding (Nourishment) off your heartache! When you try to limit her involvement in your lives you may find that friends who have been "supportive" of you through this are actually not so willing to have the melodrama over. You may want to have a few well chosen phrases in mind for the next time someone asks, "How's the family?"

 

[pixiestix]

Thank you Rosada for your reply.

Wow, I am finding that trying to work through this is really 'pushing my buttons'!

I wrote about my sister in law, to give examples of what she is like with others. Only three of my friends actually know what she is really like, and only because they have been around long enough to see the fall out of her presence in our lives. We don't actually tend to talk about her very often, either with friends or family. I actually realised from thinking about this, it is usually my mother in law that brings her into coversation.

I like to view my emotional energy a bit like money, and try to be careful where I 'spend' it. Sometimes I can get caught out! I don't like to give away my energy to this situation.

I had major surgery to remove cancer at the end of August. I had time to think about my life, and my hopes and aspirations for the future. When you face something like cancer, you suddenly realise what and who are important in your life, and what you can really live without.

I feel like I have been given a second chance, like my life before me now, is a new beginning. I hope to return to work in the New Year, or as soon as I feel strong enough. I feel excited and happy about the future. I feel like I am clearing away the dead wood in my life, making plans. This is about me, working through this, and facing up to my own short comings.

I did what you suggested Dobro, and asked "what is it in me that reacts as I do to my sister in law?" I got hex 49 with lines 2, 4, 5 and 6 changing. I have been fiddling around with this this weekend, looking at steps of change, hidden possibility etc, just to get some practise in, using the I Ching. I don't know if I have got this right, but I tried to do the change pattern, where you put a yin line in any place that change is occuring, whether it is a transforming yin or yang line, and a yang line where where the line in the basic figure is stable. Am I right that that gives me hex 36? That doesn't look good! (I got this from Stephen Karcher's The I Ching Plain And Simple)

Anyway, I will have another look at it all tomorrow, when I am not quite so tired. I have been doing lots of reading, and looking around here, and now have brain ache! Just thought I would let you know what I got back when I asked why I react as I do.

Thank you again to all of you who have been so kind in helping me out.

 

[dobro p]

49.2.4.5.6>26

1 Throwing off forms you no longer need by means of strong restraint. This would probably mean a need to throw off an attitude you have (perhaps the attitude that her company is completely horrible for you?) by means of exercising strong restraint of your emotion and behavior when she's around. And strong restraint when she's not around as well; she doesn't even have to be in the same room with you to get you going.

2 Throwing off forms you no longer need leads to a situation of strong restraint. This would probably mean throwing off the way you have been reacting to her, and learning a new way based on strong restraint.

(Interesting that you drew 26 again; this must be something you need to consider more carefully.)

3 You want to throw her off but you need to exercise strong restraint instead. This looks like my interpretation of #2 above.

I'd really study Hex 26 if I were you, cuz you keep drawing it as the relating hexagram. The relating hex is often (but not always) the future direction of the situation.

 

[pixiestix]

Thanks Dobro for your reply.

Wilhelm says of the hexagram (26)

The Judgment
The Taming Power Of The Great
Perseverance furthers.
Not eating at home brings good fortune.
It furthers one to cross the great water.

The Image
Heaven within the mountain:
The image of The Taming Power Of The Great.
Thus the superior man aquaints himself with many sayings of antiquity
And many deeds of the past,
In order to strengthen his character therby.

Heaven within the mountain points to hidden treasure. In the words and deeds of the past there lies hidden a treasure that men may use to strengthen and elevate their own characters. The way to study the past is not to confine oneself to mere knowledge of history but, through application of this knowledge, to give actuality to the past.

We have not completely cut my sister in law out of our lives. We can pass polite pleasantries when we meet, and I can just about cope with that. What I don't want (with every fibre of my being!) is to have her in our lives again, us all to "be freinds" again, as my mother in law puts it.

Last time we were 'friends', she came to our house, with her Mum, and we took a walk and bumped into a couple of my friends. She went home, and we continued to talk to each other on the phone for a couple of weeks. She came to visit again, with her husband this time, and all went well. They loved where we lived etc. One month later, I found out from my mother in law, that she had had a secret visit here, and placed a deposit on a house identical to ours on our estate, she had put her house on the market and it had sold! She wanted to be in the bosom of her family. We are the only family that live here. The rest of them are 90 miles away! We were not happy about this, and said as much to sister in law. The upshot was that they could live where ever they liked, and there was nothing we could do about it. Which is true.

Over the following weeks, sister in law slowly started to pick my life apart. My friend who she met, she said "people were not very nice from .......", where my friend came from. Our holiday in Florida, she said she would not have paid that kind of money to go to a theme park (she had checked out the price for herself!) She then started to tell me that her house was so much better than our etc etc and I just saw a nightmare unfolding in front of me, if she moved here. She was already thrilled that she would have a ready made set of friends to get to know, through me......mine. She had it all mapped out, and my heart sank.

Once we bought a new car, she bought the same car, same colour, next model up, then proceeded to tell us how much better her car was than ours! That just about sums up how she has been all the time I have known her. Now she has the same house as us......

To cut a long story short, she ended up having a row with my husband on the phone, because he pointed out that she couldn't just step into our lives, like a pair of shoes. She had stolen things over the years from her mother, and that got brought up in the conversation. She was caught out, not quite red handed, but what she had done was later proved with a receipt. She swapped some shabby jeans of hers with a pair of new M & S moleskin jeans from her Mum's suitcase while her mother was staying. She denied doing it when confronted, and told her mother she was going senile. Her mother went to M & S with the shabby jeans and they confirmed they were not what she had paid for on her chargecard!

My sister in law was so angry that this was brought up again, and all the incidents of theft, that she threatened to phone my husbands company and say something that was untrue. (I couldn't think of a worse thing to accuse someone of, what she was threatening to say) My husband had just got a job he had dreamed of for years, and he would have instantly lost this position while the allegation was investigated by the police. It would have been found to be untrue, but the humiliation and damage that it would have caused were unthinkable. I just couldn't believe that someone could do this to their own brother. She later said to her mother that she "was angry" to justify what she had threatened. They didn't move here in the end. So that is why we keep her at arms length.

What upsets me is that my mother in law knows everything that has gone on, the hurt and the heartache it has caused. To me she is saying "I know what has happened in the past, and the hurt and heartache, but I don't really care about your feelings or what havoc might happen to you in the future, I just want you to be friends again". It is satisfying what she wants, not what is good for my family. I just can't do it again. I feel it is enough that we are even polite to her when we meet.

Dragging up the past serves no purpose, I know that. I felt so happy to not feel guilty about my decisions. I decided that things were fine as they were at the moment. I don't see the need or want to do the whole being friends thing again. One day a long long way into the future, who knows (never say never), but I really can't see it. I decided to stand firm, stand my ground, and leave things as they are. No more guilt trips because my mother in law wants something that is not good for us as a family, for my family.

Is my lesson to learn from the past? I would like to think my attitude has changed to the situation. To relieve myself of guilty feelings about not jumping into the fire again!

 

[dobro p]

Well, like I said before about 26, one of the ideas about it is that you 'feed' away from the usual sources. So you've drawn 26 twice now as the relating hexagram, which might be saying something to you like: "In the long run, arrange things so that you're not feeding on this situation." In other words, reduce contact so that you no longer take in the (negative) impressions that she is providing you with whenever you meet. Out of sight, out of mind, no indigestion.

 

[mudpie]

with 27 and 26, it can all be about you, meaning regardless of whether you see her or not, talk to her or not, you still have the power to decide what you are going to 'swallow and digest' and also the power to restrain the effect of her on you, by restraining at the source, your own mind.

In times when you encounter her, you could even be cordial and pleasant, but you cover the horns 'of your mind' prevnting the influence of your mind and without engaging your mind, no need to react. YOU can choose not to react, not to swallow, not to engage. The crucial resonse from you would to simply be The Witnesser, not the reactor, restrain your mind, like you would tie back the horn of a young bull, and simply observe her behavior dipssionately, without involvement. Let her be who she is. be zen like, accept her manner with nothing but curious observation, something removed from you.

Things like illness DO clarify for us what is important or not. The world doesnt change but we do (49), and when you are no longer willing to be disturbed by such toxixity, you consolidate the change. You neednt amputate her from you life, just become much more clear on what is going to make it past your bar. You raise the bar. and if she tries to get over that bar, your stance, if well placed, makes it impossible. She can rant and rave and play cometetive games, but nothing of it gets past the bar. Say yes alot and nod, and be detachedly charming, but the young bull stays put; it is not his(your) business. you are done with the drama. you cut it off on your end.

The best thing is you can do this so cordially, so kindly, and with respect for her way of being, all the while not taking it in , swallowing, and regurgitating.

It is true at times to note that others are toxic to us, but we don't need to swallow. you are watching you diet. Raise your bar.

I supervise some pretty difficult people at work and sometimes get into horn fights. BUt amazing when I go in with my horns tied back and committed to "dieting" on only what I wish to let in, the dynamics change. I find them amusing then, I stand back and let then carry on, never press my demands and yet they follow my lead most beuatifully when I completely let go of demanding that they change.
just some thoughts

 

[pixiestix]

Thank you Dobro and Listener for your great replies.

I think I need to find some quality quiet time to really sit and read about all the hexagrams that I have drawn. I find short periods of time to read, and little bits fall into place, I seem to grasp something. It is funny how you can miss something reading a line, yet come back to it another time and it all makes perfect sense.

Today I was reading about hex 27, the image, and it talks about providing nourishment through movement and tranquility. Tranquility is something I have not had much time for, what with Christmas looming! I am sure I am not alone here! I try to meditate a few times a week, and that leaves me feeling very tranquil, and better equiped to deal with what life throws in my direction. I can feel great inner calm, and don't rise so quickly to niggling situations. I think I need to find some time to meditate again.....and soon. It makes me a much nicer person to be around.

Listener, I really do understand what you say about not reacting to someone next time they explode, to behave as the Witnesser. I have never tried that one before. I can visualise a "OK, what now?" response to that one, I should imagine it leaves someone feeling pretty silly if you don't react, wondering what to do next.

Thank you all for your patience with me, you have all been so kind and helpful.