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Help with transformation

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I've been an interested reader of the interpretations on this site for a long time. I finally feel confused and motivated enough to offer up my own readings and questions to this group.

I've been making a lot of changes in my life, downsizing, trying to shed skins, making art creation a bigger part of my day and making time for friends and for feeling more deeply. Upon returning home after a 2 month trip I contacted a man I had met at a local event, he was the planner and it had gone well. I simply thought that even though I could tell he was a socially awkward person, a bit grumpy and pushy, he also seems to feel things deeply and to be moved by art and had a desire to build strong communities.

We had one meeting that seemed to go very well and agreed to start a local small discussion group when he returned. He went away then for a month - and we communicated by email and skype. i was delighted to find we were having very playful emails, sharing ideas, background experiences, hopes and fears about our lives. Then he suggested we stop emailing so much. We spoke about this on skype and he told me that he was looking for a life partner and that he had been enjoyed in the emails from me 'too much'. As if they were from a girl friend. He looked forward to them each day. I found this confusing as pleasure is pleasure.

I felt this was very positive since I had been feeling a growing interest as was also looking for a partner but not sure if we might be compatible. He said he never trusts what he feels about people via email and instead wanted to wait to see how we both felt in person. But in general he didn't think 'he was called' to be with me. He tries very hard to listen to a divine voice, and says he can hear it clearly in his art but not always in relationships.

To me all I saw was potential and saw many positive signs that we could grow and fall in love. I feel more stable than I ever have in my life now and confident in my ability to love and give pleasure. So the whole - waiting for god's direction - he was telling me about I found confusing. Was this just a veiled way of saying i wasn't pretty enough? Same old superficial **** wrapped in a god printed paper?

So much about him, or us, our overlapping interests, and my desire to try new challenging, emotionally expanding experiences led me to take a risk, say i was only interested in pursuing romance, not friendship. And if friendship did develop so be it - but that's not where my head was.

So he came back - we had quite a few times hanging out, all very pleasant and growing i thought slowly into something deeper. He seemed receptive to sharing. I met some of his friends and got along really well with them. I put on pretty dresses and noted how fun it was to go on dates. He invited me to even more activities. Then last Friday he said he does not feel that special chemistry with me. That when he first came back to town we did not fall into each other's arms and therefore there is no future for this relationship. I told him he wasn't giving me a lot to work with, that I was still unsure of him and I romantically since he had given that initially unencouraging assessment of the potential between us.

Anyway I felt it all died a very dumb death. We still had a nice time hanging out on Sunday - at a public event. Monday morning he called me upset because 'he didn't know what to do about me.' He had put a call into his therapist to talk about it. He also said he didn't know if he could trust his own instincts about what to do or who to chose to be with romantically. I said if leaving things open between us makes you feel terrible then go, go back to the online dating you were doing a couple of months ago.

Strangely I had been feeling very calm that morning again - foolishly I guess - I had been feeling comfortable again with whatever was going between us, but his upset call threw me again.

Later in the day I felt horrified by his anguish. What was so terrible about me? I knew he wanted me to say 'let's just be friends'. But I didn't want to play that second best roll, as girl-friend supporter. I've done it too much of in my life. And he didn't want to feel he was wasting time with me when the true love woman was out there ready to change his life and he would miraculously know this seeing god's stamp of approval in the blink of an eye.

So i called him and said you are pretty sure you just want to be friends right, he said yes. i said ok I'll let this thing go but I can't be friends. I'm withdrawing from everything we started. A bit petulant I know - but I really know that hanging around him watching him date others and treat me like a sounding board would be torture. And I hoped it would hurt him a little, as in, look what you've lost.

It also annoyed me that he asked me at one point if I like him because he's like my cold, absent, unemotional father. I said no - you are not like my father (as he is actually way more emotional than not) and that's not why i am attracted to you. It made me sad that he would pathologize my attraction - or try to make me seem crazy for feeling it.

And it was confusing for me that I thought he was sending me positive signs that things were developing well between us, including sending me a beautiful romanic little song mp3 and playful email exchange earlier in the week.

Anyway long story.

Throughout the i ching, and ancestors I asked via the oracle said - 35 with 3,5,6 changing lines repeating. Also 32, lasting. Sometime 50 and sometimes 49. Also I got 1 all lines changing twice. ( being near him was inspiring me to play more music and draw.) I took the 35s and 32s to mean - you are in for the long haul - and you'll both need to grow to be together but it's worth it and will transform you both in good ways. Near the end I'd get 38 a lot, and 38.5. I took this to mean we are seeing things very differently but there is great potential for growth and mutual appreciation here.

Now I'm getting 17 a lot and 18 (about the father and mother - my mother never remarried - i dearly love to clear the karma up my parents have given me - and wonder how they are mixed in to this situation if at all).

I'm also getting 49 when I ask 'was what that was all about'. I feel there is transformation for me to still do but do I have to do it alone? Can I? Don't I need others?

Was I an idiot for opening my heart to him and believing in the slow growth of love? Or is he right and god dictates our loves and points them out with thunderbolts? My gut tells me he was stupid to not see my value but i can't change him at all.

His passion for his art did also reinforce mine. i just wish he or someone like him could still play a role in my life. i was really enjoying the dating! But he would make morose statements like - i'm enjoying having a friend to go to all these things with - but i am still sad because i feel so lonely.

Wow. Not good for me. And so painfully close for me - to being something I really feel I want and need, like food. Oh yeah 27 - came up a lot to when i asked what this encounter meant to both of us.

So now I ask:

Ancestors, what did you want for me and him? 47.6 > 6

‘Confined by trailing creepers, by unease and discomfort,
Says, “Acting – regret. ” With regret, setting forth, good fortune.’

What should I learn from this encounter 59.1.5 > 41

Line 1

‘Rescuing with a horse’s strength.
Good fortune.’

Line 5

‘Dispersing sweat, his great proclamation.
Dispersing the king’s residence,
Not a mistake.’


What potential relationship still exists between us 14.1.4 > 18

Line 1

‘No interaction with what is harmful,
In no way at fault,
So that hardship is not a mistake.’

Line 4

‘It is not for you to dominate,
No mistake.’


What would have happened if I had stayed his 'just' friend? 32.1 > 34

Line 1

‘Deep into lasting.
Constancy, pitfall.
No direction bears fruit.’



What should I focus on now 1.3.4.6 > 60

Line 3

‘Noble one creates and creates to the end of the day,
At nightfall on the alert, as if in danger.
No mistake.’

Line 4

‘Someone dancing in the abyss.
No mistake.’


Line 6

‘Overweening dragon has regrets.’


- I know it's long but it has been a strange journey that I'm trying to integrate into my life. It's not all bad, just strangely short and disappointing. I want to know what my blind spots are here. And I do want a partner in my life so want to figure out what corruption i need to heal, or if i just need to reach out again and again.

thank you.
 
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Tohpol

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It’s always tedious when everyone is having fun and then suddenly from left-field it goes “splat!”


Ancestors, what did you want for me and him?


47.6 > 6

H.47 exhaustion. Background Hexagram: conflict. Pretty much sums it up. Line 6 talks about illusions and negative attitudes. Your ancestors want you to be self-reliant and responsible for your own destiny whatever the obstacles. So the creepers here are not nearly as strong as you may think. Pick yourself up and carry on. You have a right to feel invalidated but not so much that you become the victim. (Maybe you had a lucky escape?!)

What should I learn from this encounter?

59.1.5 > 41

H.59 Dispersion. Line 1: How you can become emotionally stronger and line 5: allowing you to transcend the situation entirely. Whatever you decide keep your integrity and don’t let disappointment pull you down. Re-enchant the situation. Either way, the background Hexagram implies a decrease in emotional involvement of the issue.

What potential relationship still exists between us?

14.1.4 > 18

H.14 your inner assets or wealth. ‘No interaction with what is harmful, In no way at fault, So that hardship is not a mistake.’ This appears to be a very clear reading. Line 1 teaches us about keeping harmful stuff out so that you can access your potential much more fully in the long run. It seems to echo 59.1.5 on this point.

Line 4: You want this to work out but you are advised not to try force a way through here. Let go of tension and get back on your own path and let others walk theirs. This allows you to work on what is temporarily “spoiled” and let this experience guide you to better communication with this man and/or men in general and allows your receptivity to encourage the right guy to come along. “No mistake.”

What would have happened if I had stayed his 'just' friend?

32.1 > 34

Doesn’t seem that this is the moment for commitment - friendship or not. So, the Yi suggests bringing the speculation to an end and calming your restless heart.

What should I focus on now?

1.3.4.6 > 60

This is the kind of question the Yi likes. H.1 Creative power: Line 3: Be alert in order to avoid mistakes. Seems as if you have all this creative energy, this love and desire with nowhere to go. But give it time it’ll find its response without precipitate action. This is a transition phase full of possibility. “No mistake.” Trust.

Line 4: Don’t give up and don’t be down-hearted. You have much to give and there is mystery and expectation in the unknown. So, why should today be like tomorrow?

Line 6: This brings us back to 14.4 but with much more active power. So, you have to be really careful not to allow your emotions to blast their way into the external world based on the recent past. Keep your feet on the ground and trust that you’re doing okay. No need to breathe fire!

The background hexagram 60 is about voluntary limitations for your greater good. Creativity needs controlling, letting it simmer in order to bring out the full flavour later on. And there's no reason at all why there can't be the right partner out there for you.
 
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wow Topal thank you for that amazing reading! And for your sympathy and encouragement (or seeing that in my iching readings). i feel much comforted and hopeful now about my new and different than expected future.

It sure is nice to post a problem on here - the posting part is therapeutic as is getting such a thorough response.

:)
 

Tohpol

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I'm really happy it helped friendly squirrel. Looks like you have a good connection with the Yi.

:bows:
 

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