Hex 37 The Family UC and Neglectful, Abusive Mother

[Meri_X]

After a lifetime of silently taking abuse and emotional neglect by my mother, she made a comment after too much wine that was too much. Added to that is the fact that I have finally starting speaking out for myself, when assaulted by anyone. An unsolicited comment by my husband, a week after our wedding, was that he had "never seen a person who was less of a parent to her child than my mother was to me." This gives some idea of the degree of awfulness of this "beautiful, warm" woman, as she appears to others.
After the comment, a week was spent on the phone with her, with her not responding, but at times getting angry, with my confrontation of her. I have PTSD as a result of my childhood and adolescence under her roof, and dreams were triggered of her and my adolescence - nightly nightmares for 2 1/2 years - once she entered my life again, after an absence of 15 years.
I wrote her a letter telling her how emotionally negligent she had been, and of the terrible suffering it has caused me. She wrote back saying how sorry she felt and she would understand if I never forgave her, on my birthday. I called, and proceeded to tell her more of the numerous horrific memories I have of my time with her. She asked me what I wanted of her and I replied "Just listen. Maybe it will stop the nightmares and obsessional memories if I am able to tell you what happened." She did but then claimed that she "had a different twist on the matter." She said "that's what mothers do." Among other things, she frightened me by angrily threatening me with an enema at age 4 because I came in for comfort at night when my stomach hurt (I had numerous stomach problems as a child, and never spoke - terrified of people until well into my adult years.). Her line "that's what mothers do" shows an incredible degree of denial.
My question was "What do I need to know about my talk with my mother?"
RL Wing states for the unchanging status of Hexagram 37 "It implies that you are the possessor of great clarity about your role. You are, in fact, dependent upon this role for your sense of power and effectiveness in the world. As long as your behavior is consonant with this, you will have no difficulties with the object of your inquires."
I am a reader, and teach a spiritual, healing method of divination - Astrology. I am clear about the chart synastry between her and me, and know this event - standing up for myself and telling her, for the first time in my life of 59 years what she has done to me - is important. I needed to voice the memories of the abuse, because she had silenced me by bullying so that by the time I could talk, I never said "no." This brought me tremendous trouble in my life but I am a survivor and am now surrounded by loving people. It was good having her out of my life, but she reappeared. I had a situation where my maternal grandmother spent the last 10 years of her life visiting my city and never meeting with me. It saddens me to think my mother would do the same thing, which would be the case if I didn't meet with her when she does come here for her visits every two months.
I would love to hear opinions about the meaning of this reading - Hexagram 37, no changing lines - regarding the conversation I had with my mother, the last in a series where for the first time I confronted her with the numerous memories and nightmares I have about her emotional abuse and neglect. Thank you. :bows:

 

[Tohpol]

Sexual abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse are so common in our societies - from male and female - with so much confusion and misrepresentation in our family courts and the justice system as a whole, it is a wonder that any victims of abuse such as yourself find the courage to address this wrongs. So much damage is done when we are young. And it often takes so long to find our way back to any semblance of healthy functioning. To do so is a great feat, to be aware of what has taken place and move on from it toward healing is absolutely vital. We can never be whole otherwise.

As to the hexagram in this context, it's obviously a very personal one, but you've given a good deal of information. I've often got this hexagram when I was either approaching the point of balance within myself or when serving as a warning that my inner integrity was in danger of collapsing into a somewhat chaotic reaction to outside events. The Family can be seen as the real external family or the inner family of emotions with all the various parts of ourselves battling to have their say. (In dreams, sometimes members of our family are used as metaphors for the chakras or the centres and their development).

In terms of your question, I think you pretty much nailed it. This clarity that you feel is very much to do with healing and releasing new energy. Moreover, it suggests the correct ordering of your emotional state where each aspect of yourself is in balance on this point. Denial was fairly inevitable from such a person. It doesn't matter whether or not she understood a jot of what you were saying but it was vitally important for YOUR inner family that you said what you did. Then each centre of your being can be allowed to heal according to its respective quality of energy.

You are a survivor and you've made sure not to become trapped by victimhood. Well done indeed.

Perhaps now you'll slowly be able to have more peaceful dreams.

:bows:

 

[goddessliss]

Hi Meri_X - I've had similar experiences to you even being abandoned by the side of the road at 2 years of age. Finally at about 42 years of age I went stuff this I've tried to sort it with her but I still end up feeling hurt and getting nowhere as she didn't wish to take any accountability.
So instead of trying to get her to take accountability I decided to work on my own issues as a result of it all and I have never, ever attempted to contact her again and oh wow it's the best thing I ever did - I am FREE! According to other family members she is not and I don't care.
As far as I'm concerned I forgave her by allowing myself to become the best person I could become in my life without any help from her and I am at peace - what her perception is on things between her and I doesn't concern me cause she's gotta live with herself.
I hope you can let go too and enjoy the rest of your life full of peace. - Liss

 

[rosada]

I see 37.Family as telling you that what you need to know about your talk with your mother is that you are family and that by talking to each other as you have begun to do there is still the possibility of reconciliation because to know all is to forgive all. In this recent conversation you got a clue as to just how clueless she was. Certainly her telling you, "That's what mother's do," and your own experience of having your grandmother - her mother - come to town but never seek you out for a visit, tells you how utterly lacking her own role model for motherhood was, and knowing that how can you stay angry?

By speaking up to your mother and getting her absurd response you got to see that you were not to blame - we tend to think as children that our parents are perfect and that they treat us unkindly because they are are right, we deserve such treatment and if only we would run a little bit faster or jump a little bit higher they would treat us better. Which of course is not true. So to get to tell your mother what was going on and to hear her response even though it was so unsatisfactory, was a great blessing. It released you from that fantasy. The trick is to figure out how to go on from here.

Perhaps 37. Family is telling you to put attention on creating a sense of family with the friends you have now.

Rosada

 

[rosada]

Dear Meri,
I think it's meaningful that you did not feel to respond to any of the thoughtful comments people posted here for you. I wonder if this is symbolic of a larger pattern? You mentioned that you held feelings in quite a bit as a child and are only now learning to open up. I think you could do a lot for yourself if you were to practice responding to people even if you imagine that no response is necessary. You might find when you actually come to responding, your thoughts and words turn out to be quite different from what you thought they would be. And then you'll get unexpected feedback and you may find the world is quite different from how you assumed it was because you're older, stronger, more capable now.

Get in the game!

Rosada

 

[blue_angel]

Maybe she forgot her password, misplaced it. Maybe life happened, she got busy, and hasn't been online. Maybe its all still too sensitive and she didn't realize talking about it would bring up more old ghosts and she needs a little time. Being diagnosed with PTSD, talking with a bunch of strangers online may have felt safe at first but it doesn't feel safe anymore. Although its a good suggestion, I feel its best to be sensitive to another's path and experience as their own. Its in their right time. I do know passive-agressiveness is common, as well as avoidance amongst us that have been through severe trauma.


37 to me is about the proper roles in a family. The rules that family follows. You asked what do I need to know about my conversation with my mother? 37 says you both expressed how you felt about the roles within your family. And your mother believed she fulfilled her role. "That's what mothers do". And you're finding your role should be different than your own mother. And if you read Rosada's old memoring the Iching thread on 37 you'll find some very valuable information on the entirety of 37's message. I think Frank had said its one of the 12 karmic hexagrams.


Aside from 37, you are not alone. Far from it. It amazed me that you wrote a letter to your mother and she actually wrote back with an apology. It amazed me that she actually listens to you tell her over and over how you feel about what damage she had done and how its affected your life. It amazes me because we are born from a similar kind of mother. Your story of being threatened with an enema at 4 years old triggered my own story. Except it was an applicator for yeast infections. I too was 4 years old and she followed through. And I can still go back there and remember screaming, crying and trying to get away. I remember the stabbing, burning feeling, and the pressure. Her hands gripping me and my face, the tears, the tension. The gritting of her teeth. Her hate in her face and scariness of her eyes. How her voice was able to scare me enough into swallowing my pain and finally exit my body. Let the inevitable happen. She said to shut up! And I did. For years.


And even now I realize physically I can take any pain and swallow it without a drop of a tear. She would teach me this for my young years of childhood. You have to be strong! Don't be a p***y! And I thought for at least 15 years of my adult life I needed to be able to tell my mother what she had done. She needed to understand. To feel my pain. All the horrific things she had done. Daily. Emotionally, physically. The daily flashbacks, tiny things that triggered rage, and nightmares. Well she will never do that. She will not ever allow me to talk about those things. She will not ever say I'm sorry. I am not even sure its possible for her. But here's what I learned.


It wasn't necessary for my healing. It's not necessary now. Now that I think back to that struggle, what was the point? An eye for an eye? So she could feel my pain? She has her own pain. How bad exactly must a woman's childhood have been for her to act so monstrous towards her tiny little girl? Well mom can't talk about her childhood. So I had to do some sensitive research. Mom's childhood was bad. Grandma's childhood was worse. And if I told all of the stories of my own childhood you would say how could it be worse?


My old psychologist said my childhood was in comparison as a prisoner of war. And she was amazed I wasn't stung out on crack in a ditch as a prostitute. Nope I survived, took the good citizen path. Stayed far from drugs and alcohol. Lived my life surviving and helping others. Learning to heal from the pain.


But imagine. My mom is just barely starting to feel what its like to feel happiness and love. The happiness I have experienced in my adult years, she hasn't been capable of experiencing that. I am helping her. Little, small, steps. Not for myself. Not to earn her love. But objectively I stepped back. I seen my mom not as my mom. After all she never was. Just an egg doner. That's just a fact. But rather I see her as a human being. I see the little girl she once was and all her pain. I see the little girl is still trapped in her. My grandmother is better off in most ways. Moms different. She is not logical. Not
quite "normal" or "average" amongst society. Its way too easy to trigger something from that dark past of hers. So its some very sensitive work. It has to be done objectively. When I see it going south, I take
care of me first. "Sorry mom, have to get some work done. Love you! Talk to you later" But I've grown to love the woman that is not my mother. I see how much she craves that love she never felt or got. I see how much she wants to be seen as "good".


And I know her unwillingness to listen to my horrid childhood and her denial of it is because hurting your own children and having to admit you messed up someone, something so precious is detrimental. Its unbearable pain. There's two things the women in my family were taught. To be so strong you don't cry from any physical pain. And the most important thing on earth is to be known as a good mother. Initially they all wanted to be good mothers. They love their children. To hear the story you may not believe it. But I've felt their pain. I've seen it. I've listened to their stories. It seems the only healing in this word is love. I text her or call when I can. I started with a simple "I love you mom. Have an awesome day " I did it and still do it with no expectations. Only wishing for her healing. All of their healing. You wouldn't believe the small miracles. You wouldn't believe the difference it makes in her day.


She may not ever quite be "there" for me as the "average" mom should be. But I am ok with that. My own light and love is strong enough that I can fulfill myself and still have plenty to go around. And its a neat connection in this universe. It seems the more we give of love and healing, the more we give of anything doubles back to us. Tripples back to us. So then, not only do we have more, but we can give more again.


I'm not talking about loving or giving just to get. I'm talking about sincerely, from your heart because it "feels" right. Without expectations. And the deal seems to be, that the love or blessings may not double back to me from her or whoever I gave to, but the blessings come pouring in. They are sure to come pouring in. Its this infinite, forever turning universal circle.


Focus on the blessings, be appreciative for the blessings. Don't get stuck on the negatives. No matter how bad or painful they are. Give whenever you can. Whenever you feel its right. Its so awesome your mom apologized and actually wrote you a letter. Its so awesome you see her every two months and she's been willing to listen. I usually go 4 to 7 years at a time without physically seeing my mom. Everyone has their story. Every one of them unique. Maybe our stories can help each other connect the dots. Maybe our stories can guide us in healing and love.


And who knows how it ends. It was my pain and my history with my mom that lead me to a spiritual path. I am so thankful to have been on this path. To have experienced and learned all I have. This is the better half of life. Survive the suffering, climbed the hills to the top, and its all down hill from here. Minor bumps in the road. Minor. There's two books in particular that helped me out that you might want to check out. Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. Its not an easy read. You'll feel it. My sister and I had to read it slowly. It was like taking baby steps to healing and understanding. I only did a chapter a month I think. Its all I could handle. The other is The Honeymoon Effect by Bruce Lipton. Much easier, beautiful, inspiring, read. What struck a cord in me in this book is the scientific study on children's and embryos brains. Says before the age of 7 we are downloading all of the information in our environment as facts. Like computer programs. We don't have the ability to decipher, mom had a bad day she doesn't really hate me... As embryos we are preparing to survive our environment. All of the feelings our mother feels, everything going on, on the outside, we are downloading. So mom feels depression and rejection or abuse. Message signals are sent to us to download this, feel this, as a fact to prepare. It seems similar to karma. A cycle of family karma. I wonder what your grandmother's pregnancy was like with your mom. Our family mother's pregnancies were filled with violence, depression, tears, rejection, isolation, fear. Even before we each entered the world. We are meant to survive. That's the miracle. One of many. I hope you do truly find forgiveness. Healing. Enough love to feel light even in your sleep. Remember the saying "not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."



Awesome job having the courage to talk about your own story and traveling your own path to healing.


Blue_Angel