Hex 51.6 > 21 Shock

[BlackSwan]

Hi all! So this morning I found myself on the receiving end of angry depressive episode.
I've been seeing my ex again for about 5mths. We had a serious relationship a few years back but had a nasty breakup because of his building depression & his lack of control at lashing out. We didn't speak after that for over a year until he contacted me out of the blue to apologise for all his behaviour & that he was moving to the States. We spoke & it was nice to get closure.
He was living there for 2yrs & seemed to be really content & really had it together; I was very happy for him, proud that he had himself in check finally!
Then last autumn he made the decision to move to Europe to be closer to family, unfortunately he wasn't long there when his grandmother died & he flew home & decided to stay for a while. We rekindled things & did fall for each other again, things were going great but because he was going to be leaving & living in another country & if I'm totally honest because I had a fear of the same patterns repeating themselves; we never said we were officially in a relationship. But things were going great, we do butt each heads a bit on different topics & have had arguments but always quell them quite quickly.
He had been a bit down lately, he really missed his life in the States & really questioned his move. He doesn't speak the language & hasn't really made many friends so I can tell he's incredibly lonely. The issue of where this was going with us has come up a few times too, I really wanted to talk face to face with him about it. I had made plans to visit for a wkend, was literally about to book flights until I woke up from a txt that his apartment roof had caved in in the middle of the night!!
He could have been killed but manage to escape unhurt. I wanted to come to him straight away but he insisted on me not coming until his apartment could be fixed, he was still in a state of shock so I didn't want to push him. That was 2wks ago.

So since then we've been taking on the phone everyday like usual, yesterday we even had a great day, chatting for hours, laughing , being silly. He called me this morning & I had mentioned something that was getting me down a bit & that's when , picking up momentum he started ranting on about how everything I was doing was wrong & then started spiralling; this is usually an indicator of his depression kicking in & on the verge of an episode. He was being totally irrational, I don't even know why he was picking a fight or what it was about (he kept picking on unrelated things) or what even triggered it, but he did mention that yesterday he had spent the day in bed trying to sleep because he was so down.
For the past year I've been able to get off the phone with him & he can calm himself down & not spiral, but this time I got a barrage of mean & hurtful texts, one after the other, no breathing room to txt back - this was his go to thing to do when we were in a relationship the first time round (& it destroyed us) I let him know that this was not ok to act like this. And then he blocked my number!

I know I did nothing wrong & that I deserved none of that, but it's obviously very hurtful. I know it's one of his depressive episodes & he was lashing out but I'm really worried about him, he hasn't had one in years as far as I know & he's over there all alone. I don't know what to do so I asked:

"How should I proceed with this situation?" 51.6 >21

So 51 - Shock; I think that could be either one of us, or both shocked at what has happened & his behaviour. But does Line 6 say do nothing? The thunder affects the neighbours - I assume that refers to him & maybe his blaming me on everything? It is not safe to even attempt to contact him (not that I can at the moment!)

Hex 21 - Biting Through - I think this may be about his spiralling thoughts, the obstacle he needs to overcome.

I'm still at a loss what to do - I don't really want to leave him to be lost in his own destructive thoughts over there on his own, but how he acted was very wrong & I have my own things to deal with right now & need to look after myself.

Any thoughts on these Hex's?

 

[angelatlantis14]

Hi Newbie,

I think the hexes tell you to keep calm and focus on your own wellbeing.
Hex 51 says, accurately, that you have had a shock - but it also says that you should not let it rattle you, and let fall the things that are important for YOU ("The shock terrifies for a hundred miles, and he does not let fall the sacrificial spoon and chalice.")
This is even more emphasized by line 6 which asks you to be reticient (Going ahead brings misfortune.) Itz also says that the problem is your partners one and if you do not let it, it will not touch you (If it has not yet touched one's own body but has reached one's neighbor first, There is no blame.9

So, don't feel guilty or pressured into doing something now. This will be hard, and needs you to bite through a lot of difficulty (Hex 21) But, justice (to yourself) needs to be administered...

Apart from the reading: I realize that mental illness exists, and that it is no fault of the person who has it. But, having an illness does not prevent you from acting responsibly, like seeking therapy, or finding mechanisms to cope that avoid hurting other people (like, when you feel you are taking a downward turn, tell this honestly to the people near you, and explain that you might need to have to withdraw for a while.) As a matter of fact, many people who have to live with illness do just that.
Your partner does not do that, and therefore I believe that you should stay away from him until (if) he starts taking responsibility for his own life and his illness.

hope this helps

maui

 

[BlackSwan]

Thank you Maui for your wise words. I really appreciate it.

It is very hard not to reach out to him, he is all alone in a foreign country, with no friends & only work to keep his mind occupied.
And up to this point he's been making a huge effort to walk away if he got too frustrated, angry or felt it might bubble over, & if he does say something he doesn't mean or out of line, he will stop himself & apologise. So he has shown alot of restraint. Something he never did in the past.

And looking back at the bombardment of txts I got it was almost like 2 different people txting at the same time; one the vulnerable, lonely person stuck in a downward spiral thinking nobody (incl me) loves or cares for him, paranoid that I don't want a relationship with him (I take partial blame for that as we certainly should've discussed it sooner) And the other person who I know all too well from the past who tries to hurt others before they might possibly have the chance to hurt him, as a form of protecting himself, which obviously only serves to isolate him further.

Although I think 51.6 is very clear about staying still for now & not reaching out as it is not safe.

The obstacle to overcome in Hex 21 is most definitely his depression, or more so the lack of control he has when he's suffering an episode. Possibly also his own stubbornness & the fact he always pushes people away instead of dealing with it.

Does 21 speak of action & confronting the obstacle ie. the biting through?
I'm wondering that the justice it speaks of should be administered by myself? That maybe I should reach out to him eventually; let him know my true feelings for him, that he is not alone & that I am here to help him help himself get through his dark days, but that the lashing out is 100% not ok & will not be tolerated. Forgive but not forget so to speak.

But I can also see how it could mean he needs to confront & break through this obstacle by himself & that I should maybe stay away.

Am I right in thinking Hex 21 says breaking through this blockage incorporating decisive action with honesty & integrity brings good fortune??

 

[BlackSwan]

So I cast again last night, this time asking:

"What is going on with him right now?" & received Hex 6 Unchanging

"Conflict" - no surprises there! He is so obviously full of inner turmoil. Going through to the end brings misfortune - perhaps it means if he keeps holding onto the anger, frustration, negative feelings etc it's no good for anyone.

It furthers one to see a great man - he needs to talk to someone; a friend, a therapist perhaps. I can't really see him doing that tbh; I'm the only person he's ever even admitted he has issues to. Perhaps it's me that needs to lend an ear?

It does not further one to cross the great water - funny it mentions that as I was meant to be flying in yesterday to spend the weekend with him! But obviously because of all this I cannot.


I'm not too familiar with reading unchanging hex's, I've only ever cast one before. And I'm not too sure how it ties in with the previous reading of 51.6 > 21

Any thoughts?

 

[angelatlantis14]

Hi Newbie,

well indeed this reading seems very to the point Conflict, indeed...
You were asking about him, but clearly with a background of what it means to yourself, correct?
So here is what I would see in there:
There is conflict right now. It is both in him, due to his illness, and in you, due to you not knowing what to do about this state of things.
The hex tells you that you are sincere in your wish to help your partner, but right now, this is not possible: "You are sincere. and are being obstructed." It also tells you to employ reticience, by saying that stoppijng halfway is a good idea.
The thing about a therapist I think is spot on - indeed there is, in my mind, no alternative to it. You cannot substitute for professional help, and he should urgently seek it. Often, the tight medication and therapy are helping greatly.
The line about not crossing great waters, in combination with stopping halfway I see as telling you, don't act, wait till he has calmed down, and contacts you of his own initiative. Maybe then you could bring up the point about a therapist?

I do not think that there is a contradiction to the previous reading, which also counsels reticience...

hope this helps

maui

 

[RindaR]

As a (retired) therapist I learned early on that one person cannot change another - for better or worse. One can only change oneself, and even that much can be incredibly difficult. However, if one does manage to change herself, the relationship is inevitably changed. The other has no choice and must respond differently.

IMO, this hex is telling you that although you truly wish to help/rescue him, you can't. Even if you were there, you can't. It is simply not possible. This is something he needs to figure out for himself (or not, as he sees fit).

Apologies if this sounds harsh, it is not meant that way at all. You can only take care of your half of the relationship, however limited or intimate the two of you choose to make it.

My suggestion is this - Decide where you want to be, how you picture the best ending for this situation. With this in mind, ask "What do I need to know about this?" and then possibly "What can I do about this?"

Best Wishes!!

 

[rosada]

I don't think you can apply your 51.6 - 21 hexagrams answering you question "How to proceed?" as also giving you guidance for the future. In other words, I think 51.6 - 21 is saying for right now "21. recognize there are obstacles to the two of you being together and 51.6 get away while you still can before his shocking behavior creates similar problems in your life too." As to whether you should plan on reaching out to him later on isn't mentioned. Your second question described him as being in a state of conflict which could mean that he is conflicted as to whether he wants to continue the friendship with you (not whether he is conflicted or depressed about his life) and thus fits the earlier reading as again advising you to stay back.
So I think the I Ching is counseling you to not initiate further contact.

 

[BlackSwan]

Thank you all so much for both your iChing interpretations & your personal & professional opinions. Your time & your words are very much appreciated!

I think I was getting caught up in the possibility that Hex 21 was telling me to take action; because that is what the emotional side of me wanted to hear. I am very much the kind of person that likes to confront the problem straight away, deal with it & move forward...& sometimes that is not the right solution to a situation; sometimes I need to just suck it up & be patient!
Hence 51.6!

So I listened & sat still, I made no contact.

And He contacted me yesterday! Just little chit chat txts; I know this is his way of testing the water to see if I am angry or totally done with him. He contacted me again this morning apologising for his behaviour, that he's alot more stressed over there then he cares to admit, that he just lost it & shouldn't have. We spoke for a short while on the phone, he said that I was the happy in his day & that sometimes when I'm stressed or sad (I'm currently in the middle of some major things in my own life) & he's already in a tailspin he doesn't handle it well. He kept repeating that I was the happiness in his day & that he didn't want to lose that.

We'll talk later on tonight. I think probably we should discuss what we're actually doing relationship wise cause I know it's really adding to his loneliness/panic over there.
On a side note he did mention that he's thinking he'll probably only stick it out another few months over there & then maybe move onto somewhere else - I wonder if this is the warning of Hex 6 "It does not further one to cross the great water"

I will update & see how these Hex's play into things.

Thank you all for your wisdom