hexagram 12.3.6 to 31

[misswasabi]

Some months ago I posted a thread about how to deal with a narcissist I was having a relationship with. I followed the Yi advise, and what common sense indicated too, and just decided to go cold feet with him, not replying to his emails or calls (which were very few) and go on with my life the best I could. Since then I’ve been all right, better than I thought, I’m even having a relationship with someone else and I dispel any single thought about him that comes to my mind, ‘cause I have a tendency to forget about the bad things, and I fear that I could become entangled into a very harmful, delusional wishful thinking.
Nevertheless, lately, these thoughts of him have become more frequent and stronger, up to the point of me looking for him online (something I completely banned myself to do). And I’ve found him, on a dating website, and finding him –of course- made me sick, but I guess I deserved it…curiosity killed the cat, right?
Since then I’ve been thinking that my strategy failed. Acting as if he didn’t existed has been something similar to be dieting and not allowing myself to eat certain kind of food. Somehow this kind of prohibition ends up triggering a stronger desire for that particular food; that’s how I can best describe it.
I’ve stopped stalking him online, and I’ve gone back to my self-help books, but I’ve got the feeling I’m not going on the right direction.
There are so many things I’d like to tell him –even if they don’t really matter anymore- , and I write them for myself, just to see if I feel better, but I don’t. I wonder whether I’m fooling myself into thinking that I need this communication just to have an excuse to get in touch again, or I certainly would need to do it in order to put closure to the whole thing. As if the whole thing wasn’t closed enough. The possibility of writing him is practically ruled out, because I’m not sure he would care (he’s got narcissist traits, but it’s not super high in the spectrum; so I think he’s got a slight capacity to feel), and I can’t afford to cope with a bad response from him, if that happened.
I’ve also started to think the whole thing could be a matter of forgiveness, and I’ve tried to forgive him, but in order to do that, I have to justify his behavior, but that road seem to lead to caring for him again, and that doesn’t look like a good idea. Despising him it’s the only way I can ignore him; as an addicted would have to do to overcome their addiction, but doing that is against my nature and leave things unresolved.
I want to move on, and I feel myself trapped into a cycle of denial, deep sadness, regrets I can’t express and wishful thinking.
I asked the I ching: “What would be the best action regarding to him?” And got hexagram 12.3.6 to 31.
I believe my reading talks about stagnation. If I take 31 as the backdrop of the question, it would mean I have to be receptive to what’s coming to my life (I guess it refers to the feelings I’m having). As for 12.6 indicates that, after a period of standstill (me not contacting him) I should get moving, since things don’t change on their own, that something has to be done. But what? Or maybe I’m not reading it right and the Yi is advising to carry on with my “non-action” plan (12.3) because eventually I’ll be fine (12.6). Any thoughts on my reading would be greatly appreciated. Getting over this guy is turning out to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. No matter how much effort I punt into building a new life, sooner or later the thought that when I lost him I lost my dreams too strikes me. Anyway, I know this might sound kind of obsessive, but that’s how I’m feeling right now.
Thanks again.

 

[Trojina]

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Nevertheless, lately, these thoughts of him have become more frequent and stronger, up to the point of me looking for him online (something I completely banned myself to do). And I’ve found him, on a dating website, and finding him –of course- made me sick, but I guess I deserved it…curiosity killed the cat, right?

Oh we've all been there, hard to resist I think.

Since then I’ve been thinking that my strategy failed. Acting as if he didn’t existed has been something similar to be dieting and not allowing myself to eat certain kind of food. Somehow this kind of prohibition ends up triggering a stronger desire for that particular food; that’s how I can best describe it.

In matters of the heart strategies are generally ineffective, you can't just switch feelings off

I’ve stopped stalking him online, and I’ve gone back to my self-help books, but I’ve got the feeling I’m not going on the right direction.
There are so many things I’d like to tell him –even if they don’t really matter anymore- , and I write them for myself, just to see if I feel better, but I don’t. I wonder whether I’m fooling myself into thinking that I need this communication just to have an excuse to get in touch again, or I certainly would need to do it in order to put closure to the whole thing. As if the whole thing wasn’t closed enough. The possibility of writing him is practically ruled out, because I’m not sure he would care (he’s got narcissist traits, but it’s not super high in the spectrum; so I think he’s got a slight capacity to feel), and I can’t afford to cope with a bad response from him, if that happened.
I’ve also started to think the whole thing could be a matter of forgiveness, and I’ve tried to forgive him, but in order to do that, I have to justify his behavior, but that road seem to lead to caring for him again, and that doesn’t look like a good idea. Despising him it’s the only way I can ignore him; as an addicted would have to do to overcome their addiction, but doing that is against my nature and leave things unresolved.

I don't think despising him is the only way to ignore him, you could regard him as something very bad for your health and well being, like cigarettes or excessive sugar consumption. You know he is bad for you so out of love and concern for your self and your well being you choose to stay away from him. I think this is more psychologically comfortable because it doesn't insist you crush longings for him, which is impossible as with cigarettes but that you simply cannot afford toxicity in your life. You have one body you don't want to screw up with bad habits and you have one heart you don't want to poison and wound with cruel and careless people. Think of your heart as a loving little puppy. You wouldn't want to give that puppy to someone nasty however attached the puppy was, no you would want to keep him safe and loved.

I want to move on, and I feel myself trapped into a cycle of denial, deep sadness, regrets I can’t express and wishful thinking.
I asked the I ching: “What would be the best action regarding to him?” And got hexagram 12.3.6 to 31.
I believe my reading talks about stagnation. If I take 31 as the backdrop of the question, it would mean I have to be receptive to what’s coming to my life (I guess it refers to the feelings I’m having). As for 12.6 indicates that, after a period of standstill (me not contacting him) I should get moving, since things don’t change on their own, that something has to be done. But what? Or maybe I’m not reading it right and the Yi is advising to carry on with my “non-action” plan (12.3) because eventually I’ll be fine (12.6). Any thoughts on my reading would be greatly appreciated. Getting over this guy is turning out to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. No matter how much effort I punt into building a new life, sooner or later the thought that when I lost him I lost my dreams too strikes me. Anyway, I know this might sound kind of obsessive, but that’s how I’m feeling right now.
Thanks again.

I think I agree with your take on things. Your yang change pattern s 52, yin pattern 58. I think you do need to express more rather than try to remain detached but maybe not to him, maybe just in general. Allow yourself to feel, play emotional music, write, talk about it. I think you are right about needing to get moving to reconnect with the part of you that is already reaching out to other people, already moving on as in line 6. Actually I'd take line 6 here as a prediction that you will successfully move on.

But one thing that may be getting in your way is the feelings of shame in line 3. All the line says is 'embracing shame' (Hilary's translation) . So whilst you feel very sad and so on a big component of this looks to be that feeling of shame. I think all breakups bring feelings of shame. After all one has shared intimately, given oneself over to someone, so to then be alienated from them almost feels like a violation of one's most private self. So I think you need to be conscious of what shame feelings you have, as well as shame feelings you have for looking him up on dating sites. You cannot banish feelings of shame but you can just be conscious of them and realize they play a part in holding you in a very dark frame of mind.

Not sure about the 31 here. As a sentence it is 'Dead End's Attraction'. No one calls 12 'dead end' but here that's how I see it. I think some call it 'separating', some 'blocked', basically there's no communication, no exchange or life and yet here this links to 31, attraction, influence, the sense of being pulled towards someone. Here you are being pulled towards a sense of shame but also a breakthrough in line 6.

It doesn't matter if you feel huge cravings for him, any more than it matters that one has cravings when giving up cigarettes. If you are sure something is harmful to you the cravings can do what they want, you have made a choice to love yourself.

I don't know how much you said to him about the break up, I mean it might be worth speaking to him if it was left unclear between you although generally speaking it's probably not a good idea. I liked what Rosada said on that thread about telling him why you quit.

Perhaps something like, "I am so sorry to hear you are going through a bad time. I am in a new relationship* so it is not appropriate for us to stay in contact. However, I do wish you the best. Sincerely, MissWasabi."

By saying this you are acknowledging his suffering - which any kind person would do - but also you're making it clear that you are unavailable - that should make it obvious even to him that he is to no longer try to engage you. And of course if he does then still continue to try, you can not respond without any qualms.

Good luck!
Rosada

*The "new relationship" can be with your cat or yourself or whomever, but it's kinder to say you are in a new relationship than to imply being alone is better than being with him. Also this would fulfill 54, as you are responding as a Marrying Maiden, you're just not marrying him!

Your new relationship I think is shown in 12.6, a new relationship to yourself and the whole situation.

 

[rosada]

I think 12.3 is referring to your sense that you did not end things properly. Maybe you simply stopped answering his emails without explanation and no matter how much he deserved to be dropped this "ghosting" has left you without a sense of closer. You may even be feeling you owe him an explanation.
12.6 describes someone making an effort to end the stagnation. This could be you sending him some sort of communication.
So perhaps the I Ching is encouraging you to reach out to him. I'm not saying you should - sometimes I think the I Ching tells us things like, "Well, if you want to so much then why not just call the guy up?" if only so we can realize that -auuugh! - I don't want to do THAT for God's sake! But I think interpreting the lines that way makes sense.

Anyway, I like Trojina's suggestion that you think of yourself as having a sweet tooth but you know this candy is bad for you. I think that's a much more workable idea than trying to convince yourself you despise him. That take's a lot of time and energy and you know eventually we have to forgive everyone so why not start forgiving him now? When those thoughts of him pop up in your brain, don't fight it. Just send him a pleasant vibration, "Hi there. Have a nice day. Good-bye." You might also get yourself a bottle of the bachflower essence White Chestnut, which is for banishing obsessive thoughts.

 

[danadanadana]

I asked the I ching: “What would be the best action regarding to him?” And got hexagram 12.3.6 to 31.
Hexagram 12 - after a period of complete separation from your ex-partner with no communication your initial sense of peace, relief and self respect has started to spoil and turn cloudy because of the return of unrealistic fantasies/wishes about how it was between you two. You ruin your own peace with romantic but probably unrealistic thoughts of getting back together with this narcissist.
Lines 3 and 6 together speak about an emotional cycle that starts with a difficult obsessive thought process (line 3), but because you are able to self reflect, and with the help of the oracle, you are able to emerge from that state of mind and shine (line 6).

Changing to Hexagram 31 allow your inner self to guide you away from emotional turmoil and wait to do anything until you are feeling calm and confident. Do not blindly push forward, but allow yourself to continue to consider the situation and with the help of trustworthy friends and guides such as the IChing you will eventually align yourself with your guiding star.

 

[rosada]

Thinking about this some more... I wonder if 12. Stagnation - 31. Influence, Wooing is saying you're feeling stagnant as far as being able to get over this "suitor"? Perhaps 12.3 and the talk of shame is recognizing you feel annoyed with yourself for not being over this fellow by now and 12.6 is saying just waiting for time to heal isn't enough - you must really make an effort to pull yourself out of the dumps. 31 often gets interpreted as a very lovey-dovey hexagram but if you read the individual lines it's more like an admonishment to not be too open. Consider the image - the lake has the small opening at the top but below is the mountain suggesting that behind the opening there's a firm boundary. Like being willing to listen to a sales pitch but not committing to buy. So now I think you could put the two together and say you are being advised that when you feel tempted to be open to these feelings, when you feel the yearning, the influence, you must 12.3.6 must remember this romance is stagnant, leads no where, and rouse yourself to move on. Pretty much what I said before but I'm emphasizing that 31.Wooing is not about being totally receptive but having boundaries.

 

[misswasabi]

.

I don't think despising him is the only way to ignore him, you could regard him as something very bad for your health and well being, like cigarettes or excessive sugar consumption. You know he is bad for you so out of love and concern for your self and your well being you choose to stay away from him. I think this is more psychologically comfortable because it doesn't insist you crush longings for him, which is impossible as with cigarettes but that you simply cannot afford toxicity in your life. You have one body you don't want to screw up with bad habits and you have one heart you don't want to poison and wound with cruel and careless people. Think of your heart as a loving little puppy. You wouldn't want to give that puppy to someone nasty however attached the puppy was, no you would want to keep him safe and loved.

Trojina, thanks a lot for your reply. I like your take on that; I think it’s an approach that’s worth trying (definitely better that some remorse-driven contempt). It’s got to do with putting my focus on me, not on him, which is something that could be that “move” I need to make. I think I’ve done very well so far while dealing with all this bs: I cut all communication, educated myself in order to understand his behavior and so on… but that should be it. I can’t waist more time reading about narcissistic abuse, now I have to think about me, and my future without him. I don’t think I left any loose end regarding to closing our relationship. Rosada helped me a lot to elaborate a simple, clear very good email to do so. Not responding to his further attempts to contact me was coherent with the content of that mail, so it wasn’t rude or anything. It’s me who can’t help feeling I’ve been cruel and insensitive by ignoring him…and I think that feeling of guilt eventually lead to shame.

And also, as rosada pointed out (thanks a bunch, rosada!!), the meaning of shame in 12.3 can be bonded to that preposterous feeling of attachment to him, too. I’ve been chewing on what shame can be referring to and I realise that shame is, somehow, everywhere: in my guilt for not replying him, in my stalking him on dating websites, on not being able to get over him (even though I have a relationship with someone else...)
Finally, I find very interesting rosada’s take on 31, more focused on the importance of having boundaries. Never thought of 31 like this, I thought it might mean I’m reinforcing the image of him, hence giving him an space in muy mind/life/heart that shouldn’t belong to him. So yes, boundaries it is, then... 

 

[misswasabi]

after a period of complete separation from your ex-partner with no communication your initial sense of peace, relief and self respect has started to spoil and turn cloudy because of the return of unrealistic fantasies/wishes about how it was between you two. You ruin your own peace with romantic but probably unrealistic thoughts of getting back together with this narcissist.
Lines 3 and 6 together speak about an emotional cycle that starts with a difficult obsessive thought process (line 3), but because you are able to self reflect, and with the help of the oracle, you are able to emerge from that state of mind and shine (line 6).

Changing to Hexagram 31 allow your inner self to guide you away from emotional turmoil and wait to do anything until you are feeling calm and confident. Do not blindly push forward, but allow yourself to continue to consider the situation and with the help of trustworthy friends and guides such as the IChing you will eventually align yourself with your guiding star.

Thank you so much, danadanadana... your interpretation describes exactly how I feel. I like to think that I'll be able to break this stagnation, eventually. I will wait to do anything; don't want to rush and throw myself into something that I could end up regretting... need to keep my boundaries but push myself out of this unhealthy cycle once and for all.

 

[danadanadana]

Dear misswasabi
Just remember that the opposite of Hexagram 12 Stagnation is Hexagram 11 Peace. The way out of stagnation is not action and resolute striving, but rather the way out is relaxation, allow the feeling of peace to come back in because peace is our natural state. Stagnation is a state of feeling dissatisfied and bored with finding oneself in the same old place/state of mind but it is important to see that stagnation is part of a cycle of feeling one way, and then effortlessly shifting to feeling another way, drifting out of stagnation back to peace and confidence, resting on 3 strong lines as opposed to 3 weak lines. Most likely in future you will cycle back to the stagnant stage of the cycle, but experience and careful observation have given you the deep inner strength and knowledge to anticipate and perhaps accelerate the shift back to peace.

 

[misswasabi]

The way out of stagnation is not action and resolute striving, but rather the way out is relaxation, allow the feeling of peace to come back in because peace is our natural state.

Thanks again, danadanadana. I was interpreting 12.6 as a course of action, rather than as a result of non-acting process (12.3). The way I saw it was: "I'm not doing anything to get over him, so I should do something", but it might be seen as "allow the peace to come back without any effort, and eventually I will emerge from that state of stagnation". That would make sense. You know? One of the things I find more challenging of the I ching is the syntax of its language; it reminds me of when I studied ancient greek at high school and couldn't work out whether a syntagm was a subject, and object or a circumstance. Funny I'm encountering the very same trouble 25 years later And thanks for that little reminder about the cycling nature of life, because sometimes I stubbornly want to rush out of this cycles of feeling down, without considering that a more easy, aware approach to it would enrich my experience and give me "the deep inner strength and knowledge to anticipate and perhaps accelerate the shift back to peace." Thank you so much.:bows:

 

[rosada]

These comments about Peace and Stagnation make me see this pair as describing exhaling leading to inhaling. Like after surviving stepping on the tail of the tiger, 10, you give out a big peaceful, 11, sigh of relief but then once you've blown all the air out of your lungs you're stagnant, 12, and you have to rouse yourself to inhale again. Maybe 13 is about when we then inhale we're taking in air molecules that have just recently come out of someone else's lungs so to breathe and stay alive we're having to fellowship with strangers from all over. Fortunately, this is a 14 Good Thing.

 

[my_key]

These comments about Peace and Stagnation make me see this pair as describing exhaling leading to inhaling. Like after surviving stepping on the tail of the tiger, 10, you give out a big peaceful, 11, sigh of relief but then once you've blown all the air out of your lungs you're stagnant, 12, and you have to rouse yourself to inhale again. Maybe 13 is about when we then inhale we're taking in air molecules that have just recently come out of someone else's lungs so to breathe and stay alive we're having to fellowship with strangers from all over. Fortunately, this is a 14 Good Thing.

Interesting connection to breathing and ways to aspire (draw and release breath).
You may have it all sussed however I saw an extended version. So for a bit of fun here's another perspective.
10 - I can choose how and when to breathe
11- I consciously expanding my lungs - never done it quite like this before.
12 - The space between the in breath and the out breath - stagnation if this is too long
13 - The out breath - I release and move towards new natural ways ( ways of the countryside)
14 - That's the way to do it.
15 - And it is all so simple this breathing lark.
16 - Just like riding a bike ( ... or an elephant!)

... or it might be nothing like that at all.