How 20 and 37 relate?

[Samgirl]

Hello friends,

I am trying to understand how this two hexagrams relate to each other. 20.1.3 changes to 37. My question in this case was "what is the best attitude I can have towards X in order to give the best of me".

As per 20.1 - I understand that it's talking about having a mature look to the situations. For 20.3 I see that this viewing grows and that is by looking at the results of my actions.

I am fairly new to the Yijing study and well... need some help.

Thank you.

 

[dobro p]

20's about taking a good, long, slow look at the situation rather than doing anything. So, you ask the Yi how to find or generate a positive, generous attitude toward X, and in response the Yi says: "Don't do anything about it right now, just look at it, contemplate it." It's my belief that the Yi is advising you to do that because the Yi knows that you have the capacity for seeing what you need to know here if you just slow down and take a good, long, careful look at it.

The relating hex is 37, which is all about belonging to or participating in the inner group, or maybe the family grouping. So, the Yi seems to be saying something like this: "Contemplate the matter carefully, because either you and X are somehow part of the same inner group, or by contemplating a positive attitude toward X, you will come much closer to that person."

 

[diamanda]

20 tells you 'think'.
20:1 - think, and not only from one point of view.
20:3 - more specifically, think back in your life, about similar situations.
What did you do back then? What were the results? What would you have
done differently today, in that similar occasion, now that you know the
results?

37 the way i see it, especially when a woman is asking the question,
usually means 'do what a woman would do'. "The perseverance of a
woman furthers".

Perhaps the question in itself ("what is the best attitude I can have
towards X in order to give the best of me") is the wrong track. You
just need to make sure that you're a nice person, that you are yourself.
You don't need a special attitude perhaps. Just show who you are,
that should be all that's required, don't you think? Is he perfect?
i doubt it. Don't only think of what he might want. Try to balance
it by remembering also what it is that you want. Persevere!
You're the woman, try to think what that means to you. Or maybe
even show him you're the kind of woman he wants to make a family
with. Look at women you know, who are in successful relationships,
and ponder over their style and attitudes. Anyway, just some food
for thought suggestions!

If the question is not about a guy, just omit all the comments about
making a family together

 

[Samgirl]

Thank you for your help on this. Always insightful...! The question is about a guy... As per my query, I feel so grateful and blessed for the loving care of this guy when we are together, that I wanted to know what I needed to do for him so he feels the same.

I think you hit the point here and I am just keeping in circles here. I do feel a bit illiterate on relationships. To be honest, I don't see around many successful relationships to use as example, or at least, what I see is not what I would like to have for my own. I have been alone for ages now (and when I say ages I mean it) and I wonder if I am doing something wrong...!

Do you have any tip, questions that might help me to discover the path to relationships? I know it sounds kind of silly but, as a matter of fact, I feel numb and don't know where to start.


Samgirl, the happy loner

 

[dobro p]

To be honest, I don't see around many successful relationships to use as example, or at least, what I see is not what I would like to have for my own.

There's such a huge range of relationships. But wherever on the scale of 'success' a relationship is, it's always for the same thing: companionship, learning, sex, learning, love, learning, mutual support, and learning. We're all of us alone, but it's more fun and less of a grind sometimes to go through that aloneness with another person: that's the companionship thing. Sometimes in a relationship, you actually experience love, and it's pretty impressive and seems very significant when it happens: that's the love thing. Sex with someone else is more fun that sex with yourself (your mileage may vary lol). The mutual support thing is emotional, social, and monetary - it's obvious, I think - two are stronger as a team than one is alone. But the learning thing is key, and the reason I make such a big deal of it in this post is cuz of how you said you haven't seen many successful relationships around you. See, I think one reason for that is cuz everybody in a relationship is learning how to do it - a relationship is a work in progress, not a done deal. Some do it better than others, but that's usually after a lot of pain and a lot of time together. So, I think as long as you're learning, and as long as you're not doing too much damage to each other, the relationship is as successful as it needs to be. Which means, if you think about it, that even people who are kind of unhappy with each other might be having a 'successful' relationship if they're learning about themselves and about relationship and about the other person.

Relationship's not to make you happy. Relationship's to make you learn.

 

[Samgirl]

Thank you. Great words from you. I always thought that is the learning process what makes a relationship successful, indeed. As per my comment I was really referring to my personal group - most of my friends are single or divorced. But indeed, the very few couples I know would tell me what you just said. And they have lasting relationships. You probably have one, or if you don't, then you will...!

I saw this lovely guy yesterday, after your response, and before I met him, I pondered about what you said... and about my attitude. It helped me a lot. Thank you again.

 

[Samgirl]

Well... I just asked "why I do not have a partner" and received 45.3 >31. Is it possible that it is telling me that I am trying too hard? Then I asked "what do I really want from a relationship": 18.1.3 > 41. I think this answer reflects what Dobro mentioned. And then I took Hilary suggestion: "How do I need to change in order to attract my soulmate?" and received 62.4 > 15... is it really telling me "hold on, don't change anything, just remain modest"?

 

[diamanda]

why I do not have a partner - 45.3 >31
Actually it sounds to me as if you do have to make a bit of an extra
effort. Despite the 'small humiliation', "If he go forward, he will not
err". 45 - gathering of people in a community. You want to unite,
and even if the object you want to unite with is not in your immediate
proximity, you need to by-pass others, and strive to get to them. This
will lead to 31. Which to me means, once you get eg introduced to the
person you're interested in, give up the 'effort' and just be receptive etc.

How do I need to change in order to attract my soulmate? 62.4 > 15
This tells you that by definition, if you want to attract a soulmate,
ie someone similar to yourself, then you only need to be and show
yourself! not only that, but it would be dangerous to try to change.
62:4 - 'continue quiet, don't use strength, don't exceed your natural
course'.

what do I really want from a relationship - 18.1.3 > 41
Sorry im baffled by this question, or rather why you need to ask
the I Ching about that. I find the answer equally strange.
According to the answer, what you want from a relationship is to
use it to help you rectify something bad that happened in the past
('if there is a son' - son usually meaning someone else to rectify
something that another one did in the past). 18:3 says that you
still carry bitterness against that person from the past ('father'..?
or a man in any case), and somehow rightly so, and you'd like
to be strict next time around (ie, even if there is a 'son', this
still won't be good enough). Either this, or what you'd really like
from a relationship would be a person from your past to come again,
but 'changed' ('son'), and right the wrong they did to you. Leading to
41, 'you want your due back', you want someone to pay you back what
they owe you.

Don't know if this makes any sense to you, it doesn't make any
sense to me, and i really don't know what to make of this!

I would personally ask something more tangible, eg
"What can i do to find a partner soon?"
or something like that (although 45>31 is good advice already!).

 

[Samgirl]

Millions of thanks...! Clear as water. I do have some thoughts about 18... Every time when I fall inlove I seem to go over lots of fears that I don't know where they come from. This response might be a key...

Right now I was thinking in the guy that I mentioned starting this thread, and felt this pain in my heart -that I can recognize feeling with many others... I think is fear of "losing" them, regardless the real situation. It is like imprinted in me.

Following up my thoughts from your response, and this awful feeling I've got, I asked: where this sensation of pain comes from when I think of X? (now is X, but I have felt it several times before... so I wonder if it is really related to X or it is something inside me -like a inner ghost type of thing).

I've got this time 54.1.5 >47.

My relationship with X is not romantic. He is my teacher actually, however the studies that we do together involve feelings and well,... he's my tantra teacher. I am very happy that I am feeling this horrible sensation (sounds crazy, isn't it?) because this are things that are emerging from within -and that I am working on fixing with his help. This is a familiar sensation though, and I have the feeling that Hex. 18 up there has to do with it...

Will you be so kind of helping me once more to understand what 54.1.5 could mean here? It's seems not to be as bad as my feeling... although 47 can describe the sensation better.

I think like something is getting clarified...

 

[mudpie]

I feel so grateful and blessed for the loving care of this guy when we are together, that I wanted to know what I needed to do for him so he feels the same

This is a belief that seems to stand in your way. FWIW, john Gray, the alleged relationship mars-venus doctor, points out repeatedly that in his opinion, as soon as a woman starts to feel anxious about what she needs to "give back" in order to keep a man's affections, the relationship loses ground. For the reason that a man derives his sense of satisfaction from pleasing the woman, and from her obvious delight. For her to then become anxious to please him in return, is not helpful. She pleases him most just by being pleased, by enjoying his attentions, obviously feeling that he is the most wonderful guy in the world.

JOhn Gary aside, it makes some sense. Whenever anxiety about pleasing anyone enters the picture, the dynamics seem to shift.

the 45.3 seems to emphasize this. Coming together brings sighs...karcher says "shame and confusion".....perhaps when you come togther with a man, you begin to sigh Inwardly that you are not doing enough, you lose your balance, perhaps have trouble just allowing him to delight you without feeling that you need somehow to do something to keep his affection.

from a relationship, it would make sense that you want to heal what's been wounded in your psyche which causes you to feel unworthy and hence sabotage.

54.1.5 > 47 what causes the pain you feel. the disadvantaged junior bride, the feeling, again, that you don't have what measures up. this exhausts your efforts and drains you.

And yet, 54.5 is the "disadvantaged" bride who is actually the one with more brilliant sleeves; the maiden who can accept her position, and not need to be more is able to find great happiness; the anxious maiden is converted into the confident but humble bride; her recptive nature (womb) can bear much fruit.

Personally, I would take this as indirectly advisng you to embrace your wounds, humbly, and not try to compensate for them by overreaching -62.4. the moon is almost full. allow yourself to be cherished

 

[dobro p]

It might not be anxiety to please on her part, Listener. It might just be gratitude and love. Shall we ask her?

Well? lol

 

[Samgirl]

Yes, I feel gratitude and love towards this man. I didn't want to please him in a way of doing things to make him happy. He is actually helping me to see all my "ghosts" and for this, I need to get them out once for all, let them be to let them go. When I made this question, I wanted to know how I could be the best "me" when we were together, and not that girl ("the unworthy one") that I believe I am. I know.. I am kind of messed, huh?

Thank you Listener and Dobro. Very much appreciated.