How should I break up with someone?

[RavenaMont]

Hello,

I have a hard decision to make. I am currently in a long distance relationship, and I feel it's not quite working. It wasn't my plan to engage in such relationship at first, it goes a bit out of my way. I don't have a perspective on when we are seeing each other or when this situation ends.

I then, asked the I Ching "I want to break up with him. How should I do that?"

I got hexagram 9, with second and fifth line changing.

It is really confusing me, It seems that the text tells me to wait, but I feel hurt, and anxious for the situation, and like I'm not giving my everything to the person, I can't see any good coming from that.

Does somebody have a opinion about it?

 

[loverofknowledge]

Hi, your reading is 9.2.5 to 22
9.2 speaks of a return to the proper way. You are contemplating breaking up, so that you can return to your own way of life on your own.
9.5 says that you may connect yourself with your neighbor and share wealth.
Perhaps this line counsels you to emphasize what you share, with your friend -- the wealth and good things that have come out of the relationship, or any shared interests and values between you. That way, you can end on a positive note, with diplomacy and respect.
9 as a whole counsels conducting your affairs without undue drama. There's just a "small restraint" between you and your goals. So you don't need to use much force.

The resulting hexagram 22 is about grace, poise, tact, and beauty. It is best not to get deceived by appearances, but rather to speak and act with integrity, sincerity, and an external elegance. Be well spoken, yet sincere.

 

[Trojina]

This doesn't look like breaking up at all. 22 as relating here may mean you really are not seeing the whole picture. Vision is limited in 22, in fact someone said it might be called 'shortsightedness' can't recall who, sorry to that person, I think it was Bradford. I know Bradford has talked about this aspect of 22 fully. I recall he showed a picture of a mountain goat who only looks to the next foothold not the larger landscape. The trigrams are fire under the mountain, think of the shadows and the pictures it creates. Beautiful but not solid enough information to act on.

Then you have 9 asking you to cultivate small things between you, not to be impatient. Line 2 I think shows you being drawn back in and line 5 is a very generous bond to enjoy.

Now generally it seems to me long distance relationships do not work at all unless in the context of a pre existing relationship where one person travels away for a time and so on. So without Yi I'd be saying not to struggle with long distance stuff but the reading really doesn't seem to be talking about a break up

unless

the reading actually does describe how to break up. Now if it were that I think it would be very easy with 22 there and 9.5. It looks like you'd be on the same page, maybe the other is ready to break up and you are both generous to one another so there are no hard feelings ? That is also quite a feasible interpretation. I think if you did break up this way you could remain friends. Also 9 might indicate the break up can kind of happen naturally, gradually, as in drifting away rather than having a decisive break up ?


Several ways to see this. It all depends on how clear you are about wanting to break up. You know that best. It's an easy going reading though so I don't think this is hard and stressful whatever you do.

 

[RavenaMont]

Thank you, both interpretations are very insightful.

It did not begin as a long distance relationship in fact. I was living in another country, but soon I had to go back home. It was a light and very satisfying relationship, and I would say, in some ways it still is.

But we aren't in a point of our lives that we can afford travelling a lot, there is no prospect on changing this situation any time soon. And I may like him a lot, but I do have to consider that he is blunt, distant from his family, too simplistic about people sometimes, and I don't quite feel at ease to share many aspects of myself with him, because I do fear he will end up being judgemental.

Add that to the fact I had the worst break up in my previous relationship and you have me questioning if I should go on with this. Part of me really feels like I should be alone.

I turned to the I Ching because I don't want to hurt anyone, nor do I want to act blindly under my fears.

 

[Tim K]

In 9.5 I see an advice to be honest and sincere with yourself.

9.5 → 26 (Great Potential), Wilhelm:
If you are sincere and loyally attached,
You are rich in your neighbors.

If you don't really feel comfortable with this relationship, then there is no need to continue.
So just be open, sincere and say that you want to return to yourself (9.2).
I think 22 says all will go well. He'll receive and react to the news with understanding, no real drama.

p.s. My daily reading is 22.ac -> 47, and indeed what I thought the things would be and how it turned out in reality, did not match. The day turned out to be very pleasant and joyful.
Like a mountain goat I was missing the view, judging only by some facts/shapes.

 

[flipflops]

Hi RavenaMont

Novice alert!

Here's what I got from your post/question and reading:

Sounds like you are not entirely resolved in yourself.. you said you feel ‘it’s not quite working’ which doesn’t sound to me like you have certainty that you want the relationship to end and you also mentioned a previous painful break up which might be colouring your feelings..

The casting in answer to your question: "I want to break up with him, how should i do that?" might be also addressing the relationship and your uncertainty?

Maybe enquire more about the relationship itself? Your role in it and its potential?

I see 9.2 mentions return - whether that’s to your own path or to your man.. ?
9.5 seems to be a rather lovely line about give and take and harmony and relationship.. which would lead me to think it’s not suggesting that you split now.

if 22 can be about delusion or beauty or maybe not seeing the substance.. perhaps overall this is guiding you to not do anything rash? But to seek more to find the truth of your feelings and the situation?

Sleep on it..? Question more? Seek a harmonious honest conversation with hm about your fears, feelings and the practicalities?

Seems a shame not to have a conversation before breaking up..?

night x

 

[rosada]

I see 22 as referring there being so many vague uncertainties at play. You don't know when if ever you'll see each other or even if you want to be in a relationship. Having a romantic fling based on such undefined perimeters may be okay for a holiday but when it comes to making decisions about long term commitments the Image cautions, "One dare not decide controversial issues this way."

9.2 This hex. seems to refer to the fact there doesn't appear the uncertainties are going to be clarified anytime soon and furthermore that it's not productive to push for answers. Better to return to reality, that is that you are single. Perhaps as you get used to thinking of yourself as being single - I'm assuming you don't wear an engagement ring and of course you aren't living together - you'll more easily find a way to break off with your friend.

9.5 "Sincere and loyally attached" sounds to me like the I Ching is encouraging you to speak honestly to your friend about your desire to re-negotiate the relationship. No picking a fight or simply disappearing!

Bottomline, it reads to me as if the I Ching is validating that you aren't clear what this relationship is all about and furthermore you aren't sure you want to be in relationship anyway and that finally you can call it off without harsh drama.

An idea!
How about an email saying something like this, "Dear John, Last night I was invited to go with some friends for dinner and dancing. I felt uncertain whether to go or not as I consider us to be in an exclusive relationship. In the end however I decided to go just to get out of the house and do something fun. And it was fun! And I've been invited to go out with this group again next week. All this flurry of social activity has made me realize I'm really not ready to settle down and commit to a partnership. So now I'm writing saying I need to re-negotiate our friendship. I think of you as my dear friend and I hope we will continue to be friends but for now, especially while there is so much distance between us, I can no longer promise to be anything more than a friend. I suspect this will not come as a surprise to you. That is, I imagine you too have wondered if we weren't perhaps going too far too fast. Anyway, I do hope you are not disappointed that I want to go back to our old pre-partnership friendship. Meanwhile, I certainly enjoyed the romance while it lasted and I hope you did too.
Wishing you all the best, xxx.

Okay, that may have been really weird and no help at all but maybe just seeing a pretend dear John letter will make it less scary to write your own.

Best wishes,
Rosada