How to break free?!

[veronica]

I know I have posted a similar question here before but as you gather I am still struggling with breaking free from X so this evening I asked: what is the best course of action to break free from X? and I got Hexagram 10.1.3 moving to Hexagram 44. I've been treading carefully and treading carefully and treading carefully for the last 11 months... can I actually break free from this man??? We have a child together and he just won't let us go...

Please let me have your thoughts....

 

[my_key]

Hi Veronica
11 months is a long time to be trying to break free. Struggling with breaking free from X sounds to be a difficult experience for you.

I asked: what is the best course of action to break free from X?

10 - The more you are walking in this experience the more you are learning how to cope with it.
10.1 - Compare how you feel at the start to how you feel now. There is a difference that you can see in your situation. Your inner strength is shining through. Be pure at heart and keep things simple and you will see another change.
10.3 - Look at what is going on around you and within you with freshness. Your feelings, how you see things and how you behave might be leading you to experience things in the way you are.
44 - You may be unaware of things that are happening to you, particularly on an emotional front. Allow your feelings to come out, experience them but don't hang on to them.

There seems to be a sense here of something in the situation, bubbling away under the surface. Pehaps if you can understand what is happening underneath it may help you get what you need to from the situation.

So although this is a really difficult time for you it may be that to break free from the situation you need to re-imagine what is happening around you and how you are feeling about X and what is going on. It's easy to say and not so easy to do, but stay positive and imagine the future that you really want.

Take Care

Mike

 

[rosada]

I think 10.1 is suggesting you get real clear and real simple about what the relationship is all about. Probably something like, "We're together to raise our child."
10.3 makes me wonder if perhaps the I Ching is cautioning you that to break free of your baby's father at this time would leave you handicapped. Would you have a hard time replacing what he does for the child?

Anyway, going out on a limb here, it reads to me like you need this man in your life for some reason and the most obvious one would be that he is a supportive father to the child. Then 44 suggests that this shared connection leads to temptation and you get re-involved.
Knowing this, that you can't completely get along without him, may help you create clearer guidelines so you don't slip back into the old ways.

Perhaps it would be useful to ask "What would a good relationship with this man look like?"

Best wishes,
rosada

 

[fkegan]

I know I have posted a similar question here before but as you gather I am still struggling with breaking free from X so this evening I asked: what is the best course of action to break free from X? and I got Hexagram 10.1.3 moving to Hexagram 44. I've been treading carefully and treading carefully and treading carefully for the last 11 months... can I actually break free from this man??? We have a child together and he just won't let us go...

You ask what is the best course of action to break free from X with whom you have a child. Since you did not ask anything about your difficulties breaking free or about what is involved in the other party that he "just won't let us go" the Oracle answer must be seen as a statement somewhat in the abstract about making the situation different.

In general, hex 10 is not about treading carefully--it is about putting one foot in front of the other to get where you are going. The traditional image is of the youngest daughter following behind her father and treading so resolutely that she steps upon his heels causing him to turn around and glare at her--however, she is so young and so resolute that he smiles and lets her go on. In purely structural terms hex 10 is five yang lines, and thus overall process with the sole yin line being in the third place of passion--and thus process without personal passion which again just puts one foot in front of the other along your way.

The specific oracle expresses and exhausts the first yang line thus breaking the connection to the situation before. It also fills in the yin third line or develops a focus in terms of your personal passion, mostly likely here for your own freedom independent of X. Together these two moving lines change hex 10--Treads or putting one foot in front of the other-- toward hexagram 44 the strong woman who has no fundamental connection to any of the men trying to relate to her.

Overall, that would suggest that perhaps you have been treading carefully long enough and now it would be time to make clear what you truly care about and who you are now. This is mostly a question of decisions within yourself to start living your life as you wish rather than waiting for X to figure out that although you still tread very carefully in his orbit you really want him to get the hint and go away or something.

Frank

 

[Trojina]

Don't know in what sense the man is stopping you breaking free. If you have a child by him I suppose its an unrealistic desire to be totally free of him as presumably he will always want some connection with the child. Everyone i know whos broken up has to put up with seeing their ex when they come to collect the children etc etc.(which is a good reason to avoid having children) I noticed there has been other threads by you on this topic and one all about 10.3 so 10.3 must be important but who is acting way beyond their strength you or him ? I don't know, but like Frank said it does depend in what sense he won't let you go. I mean unless hes using violence in the end if one party wants out the other has no choice do they ? Except as I said the child will always necessitate contact, if he wants contact, thats unavoidable. You can't expect him to let the child go can you If he were being violent or abusive to you then thats another matter, hope he isn't

Last time you got 34.5.6 about this issue didn't you and we discussed it between us (Dobro, Wfox and me) as to how vigorous the breaking free would be lol. Anyway the 34.6 looked like you couldn't move either way at the time, I guess if you need his support that would fit. Perhaps that is what you are really asking 'how can i get by without his support ?' I don't know but its hard to get a sense of the answer when its not clear in what sense you can't break free.

 

[veronica]

Hi guys, many thanks for all your imput so far. I would like to clarify why I am having difficulties breaking free from this man... The problem is that he does not want to accept the fact that I don't want to give him a second chance and is emotionally bullying me and playing mind games to keep me feeling threatened and scared of moving on. If we did not have a child together i would have moved on many months ago but we do and I am desperately trying to get on with this man for the sake of our son so that we can be good parents to our boy. It's a very complicated situation at the moment, I think I mentioned in my previous thread that my ex tried to commit suicide a couple of months ago, the social services got involved trying to protect my son and recommending that my ex does not have any unsupervised contact for a while. My ex has also been violent towards his older son, which makes me even more uneasy to leave a 2 year old boy with him. I go with my son whenever it's time for his dad to see him and we are then forced to spend long periods of time together, which is really draining as my ex constantly tries to convince me to give him another chance. My gut feeling is that this man has some deep rooted problems that he is unable to address or sort out and that if I go back with him I will just regret it....

Following Rosada's suggestion I asked "What should a good relationship between me and X be like?" and I got hex 21 unchanged.... Cutting through....

Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[em ching]

Cutting through the crap.. is how someone else here on this site interpreted that hex for me. actively removing the negative influence and breakingn free - cutting ties - But I suppose that isn't an option here because of your son. Perhaps you could give him an ultimatum - tell him that if he continues behaving the way he is - you will inform the social services who would stop contact altogether perhaps? if he is psychologically hurting you, and thus your son in the crossfire..

Is that an option? You could tell him you will remove yourself from his life altogether along with your son, if he does not step back and behave rationally and sensitively? Either way, i think 21 unchanging says it''s important to take action now, so that the negitivity does not continue. i think it's encouraging you to use your strength against this man.

:bows:

 

[ginnie]

Useless sacrifice

Right now is a terrible time to have this out with your ex. The man recently had a nervous breakdown and has been acting out with violence toward his other son. Now is just the worst possible time to throw gasoline on the fire. You might get hurt!

Of 10.3, Karcher says: "Go on like this and the tiger will maul you. You are not the leader, so don't presume to be one." That's exactly what the line says. You are not the leader.

There is an element here of throwing yourself away for this man, making a useless sacrifice, out of sheer willfulness. He failed you and then he broke down, and you detest him for that. Well, all your feelings are entirely average.

But what kind of way is that to go through life -- to conduct ourselves -- by blaming and resenting other people for the bad things that happen? There will always be at least one disordered, chaotic person in our lives. That's a given. Unexpectedly soft words disarm such people. To be kind outside and strong inside -- that's the advice.

 

[ginnie]

Those painful encounters

Hi again Veronica,

I can hear how painful these encounters with your ex are for you. In Asia, people believe in Fate -- that it is not an accident that this man is in your life.

It is most important that you avoid riling him up by arguing with him in person. Quite likely, if you raise your voice, he'll attack you back. There is no point telling a disordered or disoriented individual to "behave himself."

You might ask the Yi: "What would happen if I told a social services person that all he does whenever we're together is pressure me about getting back together?" Maybe the agency can help you in some way. I say this because the hidden or nuclear hexagram inside 10.3 is 13, Community. But I would not take this step (of talking about this with a social service person) without consulting the Yi first -- because, with those social service people, the interventions can also go disastrously awry . . . I would ask the Yi.

 

[bamboo]

I asked "What should a good relationship between me and X be like?" and I got hex 21 unchanged.... Cutting through....

a good relationship with you and him would be a completely legal off-limits. Obviously, you are frightened of him and with good reason.
a legally binding order of protection perhaps?

I think it is really good that social services has demanded supervised visits. I would keep that current as best you can, by making notes of his behavior and words and especially threats.
Keep it legal, so that you hopefully never have to leave your son alone with him.
Supervised visits do not have to be supervised by you, it can also be supervised by a social services worker.

Huang says of line 10.1 to "plainly fulfill one's duty" and I would advise you to just do that, no more no less. The visits can be kept to a timeframe and if you must be there, bring a book and sit nearby. Do NOt engage with this man in any other way if you can help it, ie, do not be drawn into conversation, do not engage in back and forth arguments about second chances.

The 44 can refer to his unsavory attempts to worm his way into your affections, but it can also advise you to be a PRESENCE to encounter. Be strong and overbearing and completely intent on your one and only reason to be there: to let him and son have some time togethr. Unfortunately, you may have to do this for awhile, but if you make up your mind to not give him an inch (towrds you) my feeling is that he will eventually give up on that idea. Be the 44 woman, the one he DOES NOT want to tangle with.

good luck with this.

 

[marien]

My gut feeling is that this man has some deep rooted problems that he is unable to address or sort out and that if I go back with him I will just regret it....

Trust your gut, and think safety first. I'm just gonna echo Bamboo here since my immediate reaction to 21 was also legal action. I once found myself in a similar situation many years ago, though without a child involved. There was enough evidence that I was able to get a restraining order, though I felt guilty for doing so (like I was overreacting and making things worse). Turned out to be wise as things got really scary, and the legal action kept me safe. Everything you describe about this man, and Yi's responses, point to a dangerous situation for you and your son. Take action to protect yourself now incase things get worse. Like Bamboo suggested, make sure to keep notes and documents, and also contact any friends/neighbors who could help as witnesses. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Stay strong!

 

[gene]

Why do you want him to go? Or do you really?

Gene

 

[Trojina]

I asked "What should a good relationship between me and X be like?" and I got hex 21 unchanged.... Cutting through....

a good relationship with you and him would be a completely legal off-limits. Obviously, you are frightened of him and with good reason.
a legally binding order of protection perhaps?

I think it is really good that social services has demanded supervised visits. I would keep that current as best you can, by making notes of his behavior and words and especially threats.
Keep it legal, so that you hopefully never have to leave your son alone with him.
Supervised visits do not have to be supervised by you, it can also be supervised by a social services worker.




good luck with this.

Absolutely agree

 

[ginnie]

The 44 woman

Since you got 21, and 21 can mean taking it before a judge in the legal system, I would seriously consider doing just that and applying for an order of protection. Again, I would definitely ask the Yi before taking such a step. The reason for asking the Yi before acting is that the oracle knows the best timing for actions . . . especially important actions, with such far-reaching consequences.

Since you got 10.3 first, and 21 with no moving lines, I suspect that right now is not the best time to move forward within the justice system, but I would follow Bamboo's suggestions above and keep a log of his behavior and write down any threats he makes. Such a log will be very useful later.

 

[Trojina]

I was just thinking its possible the 10.3 might refer to trying to cope without legal protection and not being able to. Needing more support more protection...just a thought

 

[veronica]

Going legal...

You cannot imagine how much I appreciate all your comments and help. Im lost without you guys...

I thought about the "going legal" aspect and that perhaps it may mean to start by actually preparing a proposal with a solicitor regarding my ex's access to my son as currently everything is up in the air and my ex pretty much comes and goes as he pleases and makes constant demands. When I asked the Yi what it would mean if I did this (prepare a proposal for access to my son with my solicitor), I got 31.1 to 49. Revolution is certainly what I would expect from X, that's for sure... What do you guys think?

In response to your question Gene, I want him to go as I feel that if I get back with him, his destructive ways will eventually take over (although he does want to change) and will destroy mine and my son's life. What holds me back is the fact that my son loves his dad so much and is crazy about him. My ex uses this fact to manipulate me (and tries to convince me to give him another chance).

I am just exhausted. My ex is a master manipulator and knows what buttons to press to keep me feeling unsure and scared. Im not a match for his ways...

 

[ginnie]

30.1

30.1: You'll need to reflect and change your mind about some things before you're going to get anywhere. In any case, you are just at the beginning.

 

[bamboo]

just the beginning, but seems a good start, and the 49 neednt be anything awful, you could be taking steps to transform the situation for the better. Legal measures feel so scary , esp when you face someone you feel weaker than, but ultimately, it gives you the law on your side. bullies are not so strong when they actually get faced down.

 

[veronica]

Thank you so so much for all your responses. I am currently in pieces and cannot think straight so am relying heavily on guidance from Yi, with your great help.

Barbra, your last comment is about 30.1 but I cast 31.1 Are your comments regarding 31.1 or 30.1?

I know I am going on a bit with this thread but I need some serious help getting through this horrendous situation. I have possibly found a solicitor who could represent me but I just wanted to double check if it's the right choice so I asked the Yi (would it be beneficial if I chose X) to which I got hexagram 11.4 moving to 34. I think it is the right choice but I just wanted you guys to share your thoughts with me... Many thanks!

 

[ginnie]

31.1, sorry

Sorry, I meant to type 31.1, and it says you are at the beginning, but as Bamboo said, it's a good beginning. 31.1>49 is good as a beginning, and any guilt you have about taking legal action will pass.

As for using X as your lawyer, Hexagram 11 is a very good sign, as it means Peace, Contentment, Flourishing. Line 11.4 is said to represent idealism and kindliness in a person.

I am concerned because you said that you are in pieces. You need good advice and you cannot ask every question of the I Ching, because that is not practical. I think you have found a good lawyer to consult, not only because he is a lawyer, but also because he will have a good influence on you and probably bring you peace of mind.

 

[bamboo]

Dear Veronica...Agreeing with Barbra...
11.4 is certainly promising! Be confident that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your child. You have nothing to lose and much to gain by getting some support on your side. try not to worry, be good to yourself. Wishing you all the best.