How to deal with school issue 21.15 to 12 or 60.56 to 41

[Trojina]

You only have one issue main here, what he does next. Well the answer, 33.1.3.6 appears to be to either leave it alone or withdraw him from the school.

There's one important issue here which is him. Some calm thinking is called for about what is the next best step for him practically.

I don't know what that best step would be but I imagine it boils down to three options

1. keep him at the school and carry on
2. keep him at the school but make further complaints
3. remove him from school and send him to college or another school


I think given this and previous answers keeping him at the school while making more complaints is not the way to go. That leaves the other two options so I wonder which option he would pick ?

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you for this but I am trying to deal with what I have in front of me right no

Yes things are not going well - not all of my making

What I need to do is deal with what I have which is difficult

The meeting was not a fair hearing - and that was my worry today. Perhaps tomorrow I will A&E things in a different light

I will keep you posted but my son is the fall guy in this - the guy who is being let down here - as te school have said he is just unlucky - - he is the one they have the video of - like the politician who gets caught out - that is his problem to deal with said the school. They need to show an example ...

 

[angelatlantis14]

HI Butterfly Spider,

again, I am sorry to hear that things have not going well at school, as you feared.
On the whole I agree with what Trojina said - the focus should be on your son's situation. I fully understand that you are unhappy about this, and upset about the injustice of it all (the school reaction sounds like a total failure on their part!). Still, I believe that the over-the-top reactions of your daughters are placing a lot of unnecessary stress on you. You say, you are devastated, but really what has happened? Yes, a traumatic and unfair thing, but your son is alive, healthy and has other options. That is a basis to work from. I don't think you need to hide from him your distress, but really try and relax it. He will be best helped if you knows you are on his side, and work with him on what to do next.
Is there a way to reduce contact with your daughters for the time being? They do not sound helpful at the moment, and only reinforce your discomfort. After all, their opinions have nothing really to do with the situation, as Trojina said.
Your son would probably be more helped by an attitude of "well, this is bad, but its not the end of the world, lets see what other options there are, and who knows what it might be good for".

I know that this is easier said than done - so I hope you dont think I am trying to critisize you, there is probably a lot in this situation I don't know about and cannot judge!

all the best

maui

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you. Things like this should e kept in perspective - but when things are already difficult it can be the stick that breaks the camels back .... And the sense of injustice is quite powerful ....

My son says that he needs to return to school and cope with this himself - and I am now having to deal with other difficulties ... So indeed he is well healthy and OK. So am I.

There was a comedy sketch once (Monty Python) about three men whose life was increasingly bad - this reminds me of perspective which is needed in all of this

So thank you immensely for all helping me over the past 12 days - you have all been so supportive

X

 

[butterfly spider]

A small update
My son is spending his suspension reflecting at home. He has a big appetite usually but today didn't want his scrambles eggs and lunchtime said that he didn't feel hungry. The students from
The school passes his window while he was practising this morning - I was out with the dog ... A few girls and one boy were gesticulating at his window - not nice. Another boy said that he had been pilloried by the school. Not pleasant at all. The rugby team passed the window tonight - and in friendship this time asked him why he wasn't at rugby. His name had been battered about today at school - by teachers - as being somewhat dirty inadequate tainted. My son is really unhappy here.

In the Telegraph was an article about a girl who had commuted suicide after being suspended. The school was found culpabable as it should have been. Suspension is a last reset not to e used for example or because a parent complained. My son said during the holidays that e wondered what the school would have done if he had cut his wrists. - probably nothing at all. ....

My son has been reflecting - on being unlucky - on being caught - and of being bullied and where the bullies got away with it as they have done for centuries. A confirmation to bullies everywhere that it is OK to taunt goad and bully - just so long as your not caught. Good lesson that

A very many agencies that I deal with are saying that there needs to be guidelines on suspension. In the state system my experience is that this is the last resort. In the Independant sector sadly where parent money power is all this is not the case. Expendable .....
Y son has not left his room today at all - he is of course reflecting - he has been asked to apologise for the distress he has caused to a female student (he does not know her). He says he won't as he has nothing to apologise for. He has my backing on this.

He says that if he did he would not be being honest like William Wallace and others who were executed for their stance. Why should I Mum he says. I would not be able to do that really. I would be lying ...

 

[Tim K]

I've remembered that at the 2nd or 3rd year at University there was an embarrassing incident.
I don't know for sure but the dean had taken a boy named Max under his wing, either adopted him or just invited him to move in. Well I know that he was dean's assistant at the office, he wasn't a boy at the time I was there, he was 18 or 20 years old I presume.

So, one day at the computer lab, someone discovered photos of him fully naked, with full hard-on, only wearing some fishnet
And if I remember correctly it was taken at dean's flat, and maybe even dean was somewhere in these photos but fully clothed. I was very surprised to see those photos, I didn't know Max was gay, and maybe the dean was too. Oh wait, I remember after passing an exam, I was sitting on a bench in a corridor, trying to relax a litle bit, and the dean approached me and acquainted me with his daughter all of a sudden.
So maybe dean was straight.
Of course the news (and photos) spread like wildfire, and poor Max ... he didn't stay at home, he walked with literally red face the whole week while students silently looked at him.
I can't imagine being in his shoes ..
But after sometime everyone had forgotten, the world moves on.

 

[butterfly spider]

Yes - interesting that my son just said that - he said that he won't apologise but other issues have come
Up at the school now - concerning someone else. His case is history - yesterday's news

I wish I had his optimism in life ...

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you Ashteroid
I got 18.2 yesterday with a question concerning my son

Should listen to I Ching with greater seriousness.
Xx

 

[butterfly spider]

My son says that he has really learned am awful lot from
This

1. That I worry too much
2. That nothing is fair in life
3. That being gay is tricky
4. That life is short

 

[Tim K]

Wise man!

I would contest the 2nd point though, life is fair we just don't see the whole picture.

Oh and hats off :bows: to your son for picking a gay body in this life.
He must be an advanced soul to crank up the difficulty, but it gives double experience points.
Same thing with disabled people, we should admire them for being brave.

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you - you have made all the difference here - from being a really crap experience you have confirmed my sons optimism. It is me who needs to learn - not him. As a mother you think that you have a role in teaching your child - if is in the very nature of our being. What is more difficult is that our own children have the wisdom to teach us -- that is hard to accept.

My Nan used to have a saying -They conquer who believe they can -- she wrote it in my autograph book Not quite sure if I got that one but my son says that can't understand why people are so negative..

 

[butterfly spider]

My son has just come into the lounge and said that 207 children under 18 had committed suicide this year alone 18 after being bullied/suspended at school or other related issues. Significant factors like homophobic bullying stress from exams were sites. I think they are US figures. Will find out where they come from.

Grim
Really

Good job my son is positive..

 

[Tim K]

Patient under hypnosis, Dolores Cannon:
"I think it's a military takeover. It's not going to be what it was.” She suddenly spoke loudly as though she was agitated or afraid. “I don't like this man! I can only see him right now. But it's an army.” She then, for the first time, became aware of what sex she was. “We're all girls, the people who live here. I thought it was a monastery because we live there, but we're all the same age and we're all the same gender.”

D: But now this army has come, the soldiers?
E: Their boss is here and he's telling them to take over ... trying to tell us everything will be okay, but it's not going to be okay. Because he's a liar. You can see it on his face. We're not stupid.

D: Because you're isolated, they think you don't know any different.
E: Right. It's a school and a beautiful place on the top of a pass. It's hard to get there, and you don't see many people, but it doesn't mean we can't see the writing on the wall. You can tell. We are not stupid. I feel this is a bad thing. I think he intends to bring in his lieutenants, and they're going to stay where we are. And their people, the main people, the army, is going to be out front. I know they're going to force themselves on us. Why else would they come here? We have everything they could ever need, and then there are all these women. This isn't their end point. They're just on their way somewhere. But now I think I'm going to kill myself!

I could sense the fear building in her. She had difficulty talking about it. I had to encourage her by telling her she could tell me anything because I would understand.

E: I think they're going to rape us, and it's not going to be very nice. They're animals. They might dress well and be neat, but they're not nice. It's fun for them. (She was obviously watching this.) How long is it going to go on? What's going to happen? Maybe I should just go to the edge and just jump off!—I think I'm going to do that. I'm going to go do it. It's awful. It's not going to get better. I think I'm just going to go out really quickly. There's a piece on the edge there that's really sharp and sticks out. That's why it goes down so far to the bottom. It's dark. I think I'll just go and run at it real fast. I won't have time to think about it and then the momentum will take me over and then ... it'll be a long way down. Then I'll be fine.

D: Is that a solution?
E: That's what I'm going to do. I think I'll do it. Okay, it's over!

D: So what did you do?
E: (Matter-of-factly) I jumped off! I didn't want to live like that.

D: What was that like to fall like that?
E: I think it was frightening. The air has to rush up real fast, doesn't it? And my legs are flapping me around, but I knew that when I reached the bottom I would be dead because it was a long way down. I'm smashed on the ground beneath there. I see a body there. It's quiet and I'm alone there. There's nothing to disturb anything. It doesn't hurt now. It's all right.

D: Now that you're out of the body, you can look at that entire lifetime from a different perspective. What do you think you learned from that life?
E: Mostly it was beautiful. But maybe I learned not to resist things. I mean, if you resist things, they just get harder.

D: But you felt it was the only way out of the situation, didn't you?
E: I could have lived and I could have helped the others, and I could have made a life after they left. But you never know. Maybe I wouldn't be alive after they left because maybe they would have killed everyone. But I didn't know. I wouldn't know what happened. Well, they're only men and these bodies are only things.

D: I wondered if you were angry at them.
E: I was angry at them. I was horrified, but after I died it turned out I'm not. It's just a thing that happened. I don't suppose they could have done anything different. I mean, they were a product of their environment. (She started laughing.) I'm wondering if I made a mess out of that whole thing. I was pretty dramatic.

D: Yes, but where are you going to go now? Do you know?
E: I can turn around and there's something behind me ... some light thing ... fluffy thing, adoring. There's a feeling I can go into this place with people I know already. People I knew before I went there. It's like going back to mother. I don't know how to put it. I know them. It's like school. It's like you go and say, “What do ya think of that?” Then you think, “Well, did you do what you wanted to do?”

...

D: What are they telling you?
E: I hear the word “limitations,” like we have to know our limitations.

D: What does that mean?
E: Well, I killed myself. (Laugh) The discussion was of the life that ended. That was one option. I don't think it's considered to be optimal, but if you're going to choose difficult experiences, you have to be sure you can do them. It was about knowing your limitations. Because if you get into a situation that is very intense and you can't handle it, when you shut down then that's your limit. That means you've gone past what you can do. You can breeze through the thing and come out with a different attitude. I could have carried on or maybe I would have got to a different place. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to be out of it.

...

D: What do they want you to learn in the next one you're going into?
E: Some things are obvious. Not to be so hotheaded about things ... to go with things and not resist things.

...
Now her higher self (all knowing) came in to answer the questions.

D: In that lifetime Evelyn committed suicide. It was because she was in a situation she felt she could not get out of. (Yes) I know you don't condemn anyone ... there's never any right or wrong. But I'm always trying to understand the suicide part. I know that suicide is often condemned because it is considered breaking contracts.
E: In this case it was an option. It wasn't a bad thing. It felt like it might have been, but it was not. My feeling is that it wasn't maybe the smartest thing to do, but she did it and so ....

D: How does that apply to her present life? What was she supposed to learn from it?
E: Endurance. Not to give up. She has given up many times in this life. She has to stop it. There's no point in this beautiful place called “Earth.” Life is so beautiful. She needs to be happy ... just happy with everything ... every day. - You choose to come here. There are more dimensions than you know and you can feel joy. It's not over. You can feel joy.

 

[butterfly spider]

This is not the end if the issues son did the suspension - end of it really but it is not
My son saw the head today - he has done his penance - and even yesterday whilst reflecting in his room had goads up at the window again

He was asked in the meeting to apologise for his behaviour to the girl and refused - he said he had been punished and that this was enough. He is now being told that he must. This is all not going away


I got a casting just now 41.156 to 29
Am a bit confused on this really - talk about increasing decreasing ...

 

[Hujambo]

Hi Butterfly Spider

Sad to hear that this has turned into such a knotty issue. I have a lot of experience with being bullied, through my primary and second school years, a trend that unfortunately continues to this day. It affects me negatively sometimes and other times I find it all a bit silly and am very likely to crack a few jokes. As the victim of bullying I was frequently asked to apologise to my bullies because they were just so damn good at the game that they often seemed to win the day.

So I developed the (not so savoury but better than nothing) approach that when forced to apologise, I would gladly do so, but not for what they think I did, only for my part in the whole debacle based on the type of person I wanted to be. For example, reading through your thread, I would say something along these lines if it was me in his situation. It's just an idea, take it with a grain of salt.

I'm truly sorry that you were offended by the video. I had no idea I was being filmed (or that it would make it's way into your hands) and have since learnt that everything we do as individuals can appear in the public domain and can even be misrepresented. There never was or will be any intent to cause you distress and I was very disappointed to hear just how deeply this incident has affected you. I really hope you feel better soon and I also hope that we can now put this matter behind us.

The principal and everyone else who got away with it are likely to think they have won the day, but in reality your son gets an opportunity to restore his dignity. To be the man. Justice is often of no use in smoothing personal interactions. He may want to figure out how he will survive and thrive despite, or as a result of, the conditions he finds himself in. Every apology that I am "forced" to utter contains the words, I hope you feel better soon. It's true, I do hope they get over it, but it also shows that I am not the powerless victim, that is a role the other person has chosen for himself/herself.

There was an intense series of troubling incidents at secondary school, but after taking this kind of approach for a while, the regularity and intensity of the bullying incidents decreased. Indeed, I received the most amazing unsolicited feedback from the "chief bully'" on my last day at school. Somehow despite everything I had earned their respect, mostly for not letting all their nastiness phase me, but also for being defiant whilst maintaining a sense of humour. I won the Principal's special award for outstanding service to the school (and for getting the best marks in every subject I took). He barely passed.

This is not advice on how to act, just a different perspective that might help you or your son think of alternative approaches. Sorry it's so long, and that I haven't specifically referenced the reading, just how I am Looking up various translations actually prompted these memories.

Thinking of you. Warm wishes xx

 

[butterfly spider]

Thank you so much for this. Last night we chatted about what he should do.
In the end my son has no choice. One teacher said that he would be in his bike otherwise (quote). We spoke at length about choices and integrity if William Wallace and justice. In the end he realised that it was all a game and he has to learn to play it

This morning with no letter yet written I came onto this site and showed him your wonderful letter as a possible reply- it really did help him actually. In the end he has written the following - to the girl

Dear .....

I am very sorry that my actions caused you distress. I meant no harm or offence to anyone especially you. I hope we can both now put this all behind us and enjoy the rest of the sixth form as friends

Thank you Hjambo - your reply came just at the right time.

Xx

 

[Hujambo]

That is a really good letter he has written there. Who wouldn't be happy to receive that? He's handled it really well. Are you feeling a little proud of him right now? I would be. I actually can't wipe the smile off my face. Thank you so much for the update.

 

[moss elk]

I'm guilty of speed reading.
apologies.

 

[butterfly spider]

Moss Elk - my son said to say thank you

 

[hilary]

We have some misunderstandings going on here that aren't connected with the original topic of the thread, so I've moved the posts involved to a separate Moderation thread where I hope we can sort things out. Here it is:
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/friends/showthread.php?21668-Clearing-up-misunderstandings

 

[butterfly spider]

Tonight as I was putting out the bins there was a large black car outside on the road - some
People were going to a school Remembrance Day service. They had parked outside my door. The family got out and doors slammed. The woman asked aloud if it was OK to park the car
There.

'Thats where the peodophile lives' said the girl - she sounded about 13 The woman said that it was disgraceful that she hasn't been told ...

I hope my son didn't hear
I have the car registration number

 

[Hujambo]

That's just horrid!

On the moderation thread I think you mentioned the same accusation was appearing on facebook. Are you able to get advice from the police? Did you keep a copy of the facebook posts? Have those kids been reported to facebook and blocked? There's no question here, as I'm sure you already know, this needs to stop immediately. These kids making accusations obviously don't even know what the word means. The school should be made aware of the ongoing effects of how this was handled by them. Here, we have a community policing squad who can help with this kind of issue. Hopefully you have something similar there.

 

[butterfly spider]

Thanks
I am keeping a record of this - which I can use when the time is right

If the school had handled all this sensibly and used the incident to highlight the problems of taking and being in snapchat videos it could have been a real learning opportunity. If they had spoken to the boys who as a normal part of their leisure time make comments then that would have been akin to parenting guidelines in a boarding house. Use my son as an example to show how not to react to goading or bullying - give constructive behaviour and ways if dealing with all of this. By choosing to make a whole-school example of one or two boys this has been missed and may well have led to further problems. Of course the girl today didn't mean what she said - she probably had no idea really what it meant - but it highlights the seriousness of making scapegoats of young people and the really dangerous consequences for young lives.

I am hoping that all if this will be lost to history - the 3.2 second crime will be assigned to history. It is the memories inside the head that are more difficult to forget I think.

I intend to let this settle down and then armed with my ever-increasing list if incidents go and speak to the Head. Even if it is just to let my son know that I take the matter seriously.

Btw the post on facebook was deleted but it is on my list ..

Thank you for the support -
Xx

 

[Hujambo]

Sounds like you have a good plan. You are in my thoughts.

As background, I have personally had experience with our local community policing squad, they are there to prevent crimes rather than arrest people once they have been committed. When I wasn't being listened to yet I was scared out of my wits by a couple of huge guys regularly harrassing me near my home (suggestions of rape), they provided the "authority" that made the other party take the issue seriously and alter their behaviour without repercussions to me and without having to lay charges. Plus they gave me access to very good counselling services. It took me a while to realise I needed those services because I was blaming myself. I don't know what the police said, but one of the guys approached me one last time and gave me a very sincere apology, after that I never saw or heard from either of them again. A strong, impartial third party helped in that particular scenario.

I truly hope this situation calms down for your family, sooner rather than later.