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I have ruined my relationship with my mother - is how it feels - 36.3

em ching

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I have done an awful thing.
I feel supreme guilt but don't know how to make things better.
Since moving home I have been very up and down. Maybe unfortunately, someone suggested I read a book called 'Why Love Matters' about insecure adults and their childhoods etc etc.
As a result, masochistically even, I have goaded the situation towards a painful blow - I have made suggestions to my mum about why things may have gone wrong - and as a result hurt her. We usually get on well but the pressure of living together... in her life she suffered with the same issues - lonliness, inability to maintain friendships, low self-esteem, but hopeless idealism - that I feel now.. So I have regressed to a teen horror it feels like - but the typical pattern is that we'll row- I'll cower, feel guilty, say sorry - whereas she'll just stomp off - happily go to bed on an argument. This is all my fault. I had a dark feeling this might happen, but I've been careful to reassure her that I don't hate/ blame her for everything - but maybe, who am I kidding? - I feel like by moving home, I have crushed someone who had finally found peace with herself. I feel disgusted with myself.

I asked for commentary
36.3 > 24

She had a difficult childhood too - mother sent her away to boarding school etc - and if she didn't get good mothering, then how was she to learn (as said in the book) Gets passed down from generation to generation - but now I have brought her down with my negativity weakly disguised with bouts from me of 'I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself' (47.1 - things aren't that bad compared to many!)
But that doesn't stop the pleasure, humour, and happiness of daily life from being zapped by the pain I feel inside.

If anyone can suggest what I can do to repair the damage.... to be able to let it out on this is helpful - but I think I shouldn't have read the book with I suppose churned the grievances I hold against my parents.
But I feel disgusted with my weakness - despite all the wisdom.
I wish I'd kept my mouth shut, and perhaps not allowed myself to move home and ruin our good, even great relationship that was a few months ago.
This has been building a while and came to a head this evening - with my mum dwelling on her own failures in the past and my hurtfully saying I didn't want to suffer in the same way - but fear I already am.

:bows:
 

willowfox

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Don't worry about it, these things just happen, unfortunately you took flight instead of walking as your problems have been there for a very long time but you were silly enough to react far too quickly and now you see the result. Things from the past need gentle and careful thought and discussion, haste turns to anger and bitter words.

Oh well, Hex 24 will come to the rescue and all will be well again after, you all calm down.
 

em ching

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Thanks - yes it was a bit of a blow out rather than an acceptance of the way things are or were and a reconciliation to that..

But fully feeling the power of 24 again today - I think these things always make you reach a deeper point of understanding and now that it is fully out there, the cobwebs are less sticky and I feel we can move forward. It does all feel sad though but there you are, and time heals.

I liked that I received 36 and 24. One highlighting the presence of darkness and the need to protect your light from it, and the other marking a return of light, and a new point of departure.

:bows:
 

proserpine

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em, I don't believe you ruined things.What you did was a reaction to what you've been feeling.If your Mum said it is OK, it is OK.It was only right that you said you were sorry for hurting her--good for you.But--I have a feeling, from expereince, that you felt so awful as backlash within yourself, not becaue you did something so terrible.You needed to get your feelings out.That reading says that you hit the nail on the ehad--but things will not change right away.As in 24--they will slowly.Do not worry.:)
 
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i2k7

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... you were silly enough to react far too quickly and now you see the result...

I feel like speaking up is necessary here.

Your negative judgements and condescending words really are shocking, not to mention desperately unconstructive.

A person who, clearly, is in the midst of beating themselves up over their actions - as well as trying to learn how to improve a situation and handle their own inner struggles with what they've 'inherited' - requires neither your belittlement nor your encouragement to psychologically self-harm.

If you can't read psychological states and family dynamics very well, wisdom would be staying within subjects you are better qualified to read for.
 

willowfox

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I feel like speaking up is necessary here.

Your negative judgements and condescending words really are shocking, not to mention desperately unconstructive.


If you can't read psychological states and family dynamics very well, wisdom would be staying within subjects you are better qualified to read for.


Negative judgements? Condescending words? Unconstructive?

What are you on about? Just stick to giving your own interpretations next time and cut out the uncalled for remarks. And learn to read! You have done absolutely nothing constructive by adding this silly reply.

In future if you want to criticize what I have to say then send a PM which I will then promptly delete.
 

willowfox

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Of course em reacted too quickly and without thinking of the consequences of her actions, that is usually what happens when people are annoyed, the words just seem to spill out uncontrollably.

But, i2k7, all will be okay again soon, look at Hex 24 and learn. Family dynamics at work, fighting, loving, a real merry go round.

As you, i2k7, seem unqualified to make any constructive interpretations then next time stick your bias criticism where the sun don't shine. (OMG! What a shocking thing to say but I said it anyway. So, there you may my opinion!)
 
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bamboo

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i2k7,
i dont think wf was being harsh, rather gentle in fact.....saying not to worry, it will blow over

emching, to say you dont want to suffer in the same way your mom does, is a natural feeling. and with daughters, it seems we can dread to become like our mothers, and it hurts/shocks us to see that in many ways we do become our mothers...argggg. but we also become ourselves, too. cutting the string to mom and differentiating from her can take time. the more solid boundaries you form, the less likely you will be to feel scared of being her, and then you will be able to love her as a separate person from you.


as a mom, i see that my daughter often criticizes me and doesnt want to become like me- so what? if i can put my pride aside, i realize she is only expressing her fears and her natural neeed to differentiate from me. in my sane state of mind, i support her in that...i want her to be free of my influence, I would never want my daughter to make the same mistakes as me, i want her to surpass me


your mom's failures, her perceived failures, are her own business. not your job to protect her, or cringe in guilt if you say something quite natural but which might *hurt* her. the truth may sting, but she will get over it. if she can be mature about it, she might even smile and let it roll off her back, eventually.


i am not always mature, and sometime I get upset when my duaghter acts snippy and rejecting to me..my pride gets hurt...but then SO WHAT? she has the right to want to be differnt from me. and when my pride gets hurt, i have to remind myself that I have the right to feel proud of who I am, and not get thrown by a teenager's criticism


the beauty is that you cant "ruin" the relationship....the love is always there. mom's have to give up on needing their daughter's approval, it is alesson to learn, an opportunity to grow for her.

your task is to be honest, and to give up needing to "take care of mom/not hurt her feelings" Thats a bit of the little girl in you, who is afraid mommy will be angry at you and you will lose her love. But remember you are not a little girl, and if mommy gets mad or hurt, you can feel regretful for her pain, but you dont have to take it on in guilt nor dramatize it by getting so scared you wring your little hands and say OH NO, Ive ruined it, I wasnt good, i should have been quiet........NO!!!! that's littl girl speaking.

you can grow stronger boundaries everytime you simply keep your feelings to yourself (when they might hurt her) and work them out yourself. in doing that, you already begin to learn that you are separate from her.
but growing boundaries with mom takes time, a lifelong challenge, to learn the dance of when to engage and when to back off and protect yourself, not her, yourself. you dont want to say things that make YOU feel bad afterwards, that make you feel like the anxious child.so you learn to be self-prtective .

anytime a daughter moves home, there will be tension, because we slip into child/parent roles even when we are much older, believe me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but you can learn to be fiercely self-protective, keep your boundaries intact, and relate in ways you feel comfortable with. funny thing is when you starrt to really love yourself this way, you feel more kindly about mom, because you learn your not reposnible for her, and you dont need her approval as you did when a child, and then it seems so easy to just love her, her maddening faults and all, even if you dont partiularly like her faults;)
 
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em ching

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Response to i2k7 - Willowfox is to the point and sometimes it reads in a way that cuts you to the quick - but that is just her way and I did appreciate her commentary and have done very much so in the past. But I understand your concern over some of her words towards vulnerable people. However, a lesson I have learnt recently is not to take others too personally and to know that even when you fight, or exchange unpleasantries - it doesn't mean the relationship is over. I have often bitten my tongue and not gotten angry or stood up for myself when I should have - for fear of rejection. But people need that so that they can realise how they affect others; everyone's mannerisms are different - but I think people by nature are good and well meaning (unless something went very wrong). Also, in general, not to give others power over you. Tough skin is very effective in this world no denying that.
 
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em ching

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Bamboo thank you so much for that reply - advice and insight so well put and relevant to how I feel!!

The longer I am home the more I am starting to feel that I am regressing. When I was away at Uni we did get on better and I appreciated and liked her in a whole different (way more respectful way!)

But now, because I am essentially unhappy, I'm taking it out on her again (as well as blaming, but also, as you said being the little girl who is afraid her mum will reject her etc). However, after our episode things are better.
She does say ludicrous things to try and help which make me angry - and also, sometimes I feel that she is sentencing me - because she will say things like 'hang on in there' (as in, you'll find your young adult life tough like me) but eventually (well into middle-age like her) - 'you'll be happy with yourself' etc..
She may not mean it like that, but that makes me angry as I don't want to waste my life being a victim of my insecurities..

So I do feel a bit trapped here now, and eager to leave but the sensible option is to stay until something tangible opens up...
I asked the Yi (after another argument) would it be better to leave sooner rather than later?
58.1,4 > 29

Which I think is saying seek inner joy and make the best of things in a less than perfect situation. Which is what I have been doing - making use of the downtime - but maybe, do these things with more of a genuine smile if it can be summoned :)

I am lucky to have an open relationship with my mum and we can have fun - but your perspective there Bamboo is very helpful - especially what you touch on about trying to forge separate identities from our parents - which i have always tried to do but am afraid of going there way in certain respects - mainly social problems that they had as young people - but they have both now found their place (community wise etc)
But I don't want it to take me that long!

:bows:
 

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