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meganj

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Hello everyone! :)
Lately i've been stuck in a rut of some sort.. in between getting over an ex and moving on with my life, trying to enjoy the things I have right now and staying in the present without worrying so much about the future, so i'm just trying to enjoy where I am in my life right now, yet I still see difficulties to overcome.

It has been a stressful 3 years what with dealing with loss of family ( my younger brother passed away 7 months ago, my grandmother last winter and my uncle the year before ), and just other things....
After my brother passed on it changed everything, I would never have known in a million years that something like that would turn a familys lives upside down, I would not have ever wanted to know what it feels like to go through that. But I have, and I think that taking on the responsibility of helping my mother raise the 4 youngest is something of small sacrifice.


So with my mom and my siblings moved in ( plus my older sister and her kids :S ), my nephew has been spending alot of time at my house, and it has been suggested that I take on guardianship of him, my sister is unable to take the time to care for him the way that a 3 year old needs to be taken care of.
She has gotten worse with drinking and prescription drugs since my brothers death and I don't see her changing until something changes for her.
I have plans to go to school in the fall but am at a very stable job (financially, contract renewal yearly, benefits, housing, etc..), if I could not figure out a way to go to school and care for him i'd stay and just take part-time course (or figure something out) "where there is will, there is a way" right?:)
I'm pretty scared cuz this is a BIG thing, I don't have kids so I know if I did this it'd change alot, especially if I moved..

My questions:

Should I take on Guardianship of my nephew?
26.2.3.5>42

Am I ready for this? (responsibility, commitment)
5.2.3.5>24

Is this the right time in my life? (is everything in order)
24

How will this effect my plans? (with school.. everything)
19

Thanks
 
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youngmaid

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Megan, it looks to me like taking guardianship of your nephew would be the best thing to do for all parties involved. In fact, I think it might benefit you in ways that you can't possibly foresee right now.

How will this effect your plans? You may get benefits, like discounted rates, or additional funds for BEING a parent.

It's a huge undertaking, but you WILL succeed and you'll benefit from this for YEARS ahead.
 
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sooo

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I read it quite differently, i.e...

My questions:

Should I take on Guardianship of my nephew?
26.2.3.5>42

Am I ready for this? (responsibility, commitment)
5.2.3.5>24

Is this the right time in my life? (is everything in order)
24

How will this effect my plans? (with school.. everything)
19

Thanks
Hold yer horses! Before you act, tame and hold back all those wild senses of jumping to the rescue and assuming responsibilities for what, or whom, belong rightfully to your sister.

Removing the axle from your wagon prevents you from prematurity doing what seems like the right thing, but will actually stall you out in the muddy banks of the river you are considering crossing.

Return to your inner self, and think things through carefully as to the best way to bring increase to everyone, without bringing unreasonable decrease to your own health and life. Everything is not in order, if you have to question whether it is. Retrace your steps back to where you live (inside), and calmly weigh things at 5.5, in the concord of your soul. De-stress from what appears as urgent, and breathe, eat and nourish yourself. Only from that place can you make the important decisions about your immediate circumstances, which roll like a river before you.

19 is full of responsibility, but is not forced to assuming complete control of everyone's well being, nor the workload which belongs to others. Leadership doesn't mean doing everything yourself. All the horses are needed to pull the wagon, once the axle is repaired.
 

arabella

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I see Soooo's point here and agree that the hexagram 24 is relating strongly to yourself and your needs just now or you will give yourself to a situation that defines you entirely -- one you haven't completely taken stock of just yet.

I'd speak to someone very astute in family counseling who has a tremendous track record, not just theoretical, and get their advice on how to best support your sister. I once tried to do a similar thing and was advised away from it. Looking back years later I realise that I would have entirely alienated my sister by taking over and that children's loyalties and feelings aren't at all easily "transferred" to another situation. They tend to interpret such changes as meaning that THEY failed and weren't wanted. Now I'm glad I just supported my sister through difficult times -- I probably couldn't have truly helped my niece any other way although in my situation there would have clearly been a legal battle as well. Taking a child from a parent is a HUGE thing to do in every respect. Be very careful what help you give here, how it is perceived by the child, and don't overreact I think may be the message. I'd let the child know you are there for him, you love him, and you love his mother too. If push comes to shove and the child is obviously in danger, the mother needing to be institutionalised, etc., then the rules change I believe, but don't step in without knowing the full implications of what you would do, and how.

ALSO I'd get private advice rather than going to public services too because once they are alerted they will be a permanent feature of your sister's life most likely and for the most part are just a monolith, so think carefully about whom you contact for advice. I know many social workers in private practice and they tend to think that, if their children were ever referred to the public system and away from family they would rather see them dead. Sorry if that sounds dire, it is.
 
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dragona

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Hello, Megan
red what you wrote and without consulting Yi (a novelty :) and speaking from my own experiances, hope you don`t mind if I say a few things..
It has been 7 months since your brother died, and depression takes its tole; so your sister needs to get a proper treatment-depression is a desease that will destroy her life if it is not worked on properly. And it takes a long time to get back to normal-do not prolongue the state of it if there is any possible way to do so! If your nephew has a mother, he should be with her and he should be the motif for her sooner reccuperation-if the family is close, this string of losses will bring you even closer or put you apart...but having a child is the strongest motif I can think of for trying to get ahead with one`s life.
You on the other hand, have your life and your plans-it is so wonderfull of you, wanting to take a nephew in your care, but perhaps your sister would feel worse if that happens? Additional shocks make people with depression get worse, in my experiance...help as much as you can, be firm, don`t give up on her, but cherish your independence-it is a valluable thing to have.
You know your situation the best-this is just to consider another angle, sort of saying...we can ask Yi many questions, but sometimes the true meaning gets clouded by preasures we are dealing with.
Whish you all the best, to you and your family, D.
 

meganj

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I'd also like to add..
I really have no idea what to do as far as trying to help her, seems most people have given up.
I am the third oldest yet am not experienced in these things..
I feel I have taken on the responsibility of taking care of everyone (or at least obligated to step-up and help out) including my mom and older sisters.
My mom isn't able to take care of another kid seeing as to how she's struggling with the 4 she has right now ( she has 4 jobs! ). I get stressed out alot because I worry and I am unhappy out here and would like to move and accomplish my goals but would feel bad if I left the situation while this all is going on back home..


-Thanks to everyone that responded :)

@Sooo - "Return to your inner self, and think things through carefully as to the best way to bring increase to everyone, without bringing unreasonable decrease to your own health and life. Everything is not in order, if you have to question whether it is. Retrace your steps back to where you live ( inside ), and calmly weigh things at 5.5, in the concord of your soul. De-stress from what appears as urgent, and breathe, eat and nourish yourself. Only from that place can you make the important decisions about your immediate circumstances, which roll like a river before you."

I feel like time is running short, I am outgrowing this place and would like to move on ( I am ready to move on ), how am I able to bring increase to everyone if I plan to move away in the fall?
It feels like i'm kind of leaving everything behind.

@Dragona
Thank you very much for your message, you gave me alot to think about.

You all gave me alot to think about...
The biggest question on my mind that I would really like to know though is,
How do you help an alcoholic?
 
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sooo

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@Sooo - "Return to your inner self, and think things through carefully as to the best way to bring increase to everyone, without bringing unreasonable decrease to your own health and life. Everything is not in order, if you have to question whether it is. Retrace your steps back to where you live ( inside ), and calmly weigh things at 5.5, in the concord of your soul. De-stress from what appears as urgent, and breathe, eat and nourish yourself. Only from that place can you make the important decisions about your immediate circumstances, which roll like a river before you."

I feel like time is running short, I am outgrowing this place and would like to move on ( I am ready to move on ), how am I able to bring increase to everyone if I plan to move away in the fall?
It feels like i'm kind of leaving everything behind.
Hi Megan,

I don't have an answer to that, at least not an easy one. I interpreted your reading as I saw it, I didn't offer advice based on my opinions of what I think you should or shouldn't do - just to hopefully be clear about where I was coming from.

However, I can share an experience with you that may be relevant to you; or maybe not.

A few years ago, a friend and member of our band asked me to help him through a Yijing reading. He preferred not to reveal his question to me until after his reading, which was 5, lines 3 and 4 (waiting in mud and blood) changing to 58. As I explained the general meaning of the lines, his head was nodding as though understanding exactly what the reading was saying to him. He then explained that he felt as though he was stuck in his job, in a town that offered little opportunity to advance, and felt as though he would die if he stayed here any longer and not move on to an opportunity that was being offered to him. He looked at his girlfriend, who was sitting alongside him, listening, and they smiled to each other and nodded. A week later, we were throwing an engagement party for them, as he decided to leave his small town and move to Phoenix, where she lived, and upgrade his career. The band was sorry to see him leave, but very happy for both of them, as it seemed obvious that this is what they both wanted and needed. He got out of the mud and left his blood relatives (he was still living with his mother and father), and sought a joyful life together. I heard from them both a year later, and they were happily married, and both had great jobs and were advancing their lives.

Sorry if that was long winded, but it gave real meaning to me about the importance of getting out of the rut he was stuck in, referred to in his reading.

I wish I could offer more, but I try to stick to offering interpretations and experiences with readings, rather than give my opinions of things which I know too little about. I'm not suggesting you should or shouldn't adopt your nephew, nor how to reckon with your sister's alcoholism, if indeed it's gotten to that level. I would tend to defer to Arabella's experience and comments on seeking private professional help or intervention for your sister, including more radical action if this has degraded to the point of abuse and endangerment to the child.

I'll watch your thread and any further readings regarding this, and will offer what assistance I'm able to, if you should desire it.

This sounds very difficult and I wish you the clarity of mind to make the best decisions. :bows:
 

ginnie

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Should I take on Guardianship of my nephew?
26.2.3.5>42
With regard to the issue of your benefiting your nephew by becoming his guardian, Yi is saying that if you attempt to become your nephew's guardian, his mother will stop you. So stop yourself first.

Your older sister and you don't exactly see eye-to-eye, and that is the subject of the third line moving.

I won't go into line 5 moving, as you're not 'there' yet. Usually we read from the bottom to the top, in terms of the progression of events.

Am I ready for this? (responsibility, commitment)
5.2.3.5>24
No, Yi says it's a time of waiting. So relax and rest.


Is this the right time in my life? (is everything in order)
24
Not, it's not the right time. Yi already answered this question. It's a time to rest, not a time to act.

When we get hexagram 24 unchanging after just having received it as the relating hexagram, most certainly it means for you to just let the issue drop for now.

How will this effect my plans? (with school.. everything)
19
Hex 19 unchanging can often be read this way: "That's a good question. I would welcome more questions on this same topic." But since Yi suggested you wait and rest, I would not ask those questions immediately, if I were you, Meganj. Yi has just given you hex 24 twice. If you keep asking questions on this same topic right now, maybe Yi will give you hexagram 52 unchanging: "Desist!"

We learn how not to let our questions and our thoughts run on ahead into the future, as we work together with the I Ching.

Anyway, it seems that one underlying issue here is that you'd be overextending yourself if you took on such a responsibility, given your other commitments and plans. You may be lacking some resources to do all that you want to do right now. Hexagram 26 is interesting that way, too.

It's very generous and thoughtful of you to want to help your sister, but my sense of it is that Yi is suggesting you'll do better by holding onto your resources and holding onto your own plans.
 

ginnie

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I really have no idea what to do as far as trying to help her, seems most people have given up....How do you help an alcoholic?
An alcoholic must go to Alcoholics Anonymous. There is little point in an alcoholic seeing a psychiatrist or going into therapy. Psychotherapists have told me this.

To overcome that addiction, an alcoholic needs the group and needs the method that has helped so many others over the years. Often an alcoholic needs to go to several groups per week. In many locations, there are those groups available.
:)
 
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sooo

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My brother's a recovering full blown alcoholic. Been dry for over 40 years, never attended an AA meeting nor a professional councilor. He just decided it was ruining his life and his family, so he quit.

Kind of reminds me of all the quit smoking hyped products and programs, when the fact is, only the individual can quit because they want to quit. Some people require support groups or aids, some people just need to bite through the obstruction on their own. But the one thing they have to do is want to. Without that, none of those other things will matter.
 

arabella

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Nothing at all wrong with AA but some people won't do a group thing as it embarrasses them to the core. Different strokes for different folks. Again, objective counseling on what YOU can do is the best start. Although it's hard in relation to those we love, we really only CAN be responsible for ourselves and our own reactions/behaviour. Everything else is speculative and beyond our control.
 
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sooo

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My brother's a recovering full blown alcoholic. Been dry for over 40 years, never attended an AA meeting nor a professional councilor. He just decided it was ruining his life and his family, so he quit.

Kind of reminds me of all the quit smoking hyped products and programs, when the fact is, only the individual can quit because they want to quit. Some people require support groups or aids, some people just need to bite through the obstruction on their own. But the one thing they have to do is want to. Without that, none of those other things will matter.
PS for Megan: During my brother's out of control with alcohol years, where he totaled three company cars after martini client lunches, and lost as many jobs, he was married with one son. After getting sober, he went on to father and raise five adoring daughters. A truly great and loving father of his six children.

Don't give up hope.
 

meganj

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Aww thanks guys :) I kinda got teary eyed..

I haven't been asking the oracle anymore questions really regarding this..
I find it very overwhelming at times..
Last night I had a talk with my sis and told her how I felt about all this, and seeing as to how we grew up with a parent (dad) that drank she would understand how this could effect her son later on.
I told her i'd be willing to help her with whatever, she has my support 100%, if she wants to go to AA meetings then i'd go with her, if she needs help getting her life together again i'd help her.
Maybe trying to take her son away is not the only option.
But her kids should be one of the main reasons why she should want to quit.

Anyways I really appreciate everyones support.
For now I am spending time with my family, enjoying this Easter, thankful for everything I have..
Happy Easter everybody :)

Hugs,
Megan
 

ginnie

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I was never an alcoholic, but I was a heavy smoker. I used every kind of help I could get to quit, including Nicotine Anonymous.

Many people look down on 12-step groups. They say, "They're all so negative. All they do is sit in the gloomy basement of the church and talk about their problems." That would be anybody's first reaction!

But that's like a person who is 75 years old saying they don't want to go eat lunch in the senior center because "they all look so old there."

In order to be allowed to attend an AA meeting, the person has to stay sober. It's very proactive that way.

Reading your last post, I was thinking your sister might do many things at once to lift herself up. She could see any kind of counselor, including those that work with the arts, music or dance. Any kind of physical movement would be great, even taking a belly dancing class. Any kind of group involvement would give her a reason to get dressed and get outside the house.

I think you are 100% right about her children being the ultimate motivation for her.

Somehow I get the feeling that you two will make the right connections to get her back on her feet. I agree with Arabella that you need to set some limits. What good can you be to her if you allow yourself to get swallowed up in her difficulties? This is a problem all of us who seek to help others much sooner or later come to terms with. The only person you can save is yourself. And in the process of doing that, you might be able to help quite a few other folks, too.
:)
 
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meganj

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You know I was a smoker too, lots of my family members are so it was really nothing getting into it, I always felt bad smoking though or being around cigarette smoke, but with my culture (Cree - I am metis) using tobacco for ceremonies I thought in a way it must be okay, but back then the tobacco was different, more natural.. nowdays theres so many poisons in it its gross.
I have been trying to quit now for over a year, and I think this time I got it! :)
I feel a whole lot healthier now, and when I go to the gym i'm not winded after 5 minutes!
Basically if you choose to quit then i'm sure it'll happen, you have to adjust everything else to fit with the new thing.

Haha, but anyways I think basically the main thing in helping her recover would be my involvement..
like you said, getting her out of the house, motivating her.. Hey she wants a job! :)
I'm working on getting that sisterly connection back with her.
 
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sooo

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Ciggy free for 3 1/2 years, but there's still only one cig I can never have, and that's the next one. I once quit for 10 years, my motivation being my voice, as I was a singer/song writer and didn't have a naturally powerful voice and so made the sacrifice of quitting smoking.

Until a decade later, I was booking and assisting with seminars for a consultant. After one seminar, my business mentor, someone I really looked up to, lit up afterward over drink. "Larry, I didn't know you smoke!" I said. "Oh yeah, I can pick them up and put them down, no problem", he replied. That evening I came home and my wife immediately picked up the scent. "You've been smoking?" "Yes, but just tonight; I can put them down again", I said.

25 years later, and diagnosed with extreme high blood pressure and congestive heart failure, I decided to put them down again. Since then, I no longer see them as cigarettes, but as a seriously dangerous and addictive drug delivery system. Nothing more or less. Enjoyable, sure, but deadly, especially when combined with a sodium heavy diet, lack of cardiovascular exercise and continual high stress. If I didn't quit when I did, and radically alter my lifestyle, this post would not be here.

Quitting was a bitch, I can't lie, but it was Yoda's "Do or do not; there is no try", that made me decide to do not. The only thing I prayed for was to believe I could. Once I had that belief, the hardest part was done.

Megan, that sounds great, that you are bonding with your sister and hopefully working things out together. :bows:
 

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