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mercury

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Jesed kindly suggested three questions I should ask yi regarding a situation I'm wrestling with. I did so, and got these results:

"Please make a general diagnosis of my emotional time?"
yi replied: 38.4 > 41

"Please give me a diagnosis of my concrete situation related to the ended relationship."
yi replied: 55.1 > 62

"How can I improve my emotional life?"
yi sez: 58.4 > 60

Thanks, Jesed! Much food for thought. If you have any interest, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
**And OOPS! I made a mistake and hit the wrong keys in the last question, so I've revised it.
 
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jesed

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Hi Mercury

Indeed, much nourishment here

a) Both 38 and 41 are in the past. Something started to happen in your emotional life around march-april, 2006; hit you around august-september, 2006, and consolidated between december 2006-January 2007.
This issue is IN THE PAST (What happened is in the past) but you are somehow stocked IN THE PRESENT with that situation and is still being faced as an isolation that dimish your life.
You need to overcome this situation; leave it in the past. A deep self-examination is needed.

b) Related to this ended relation, you are starting a time to chose and take decisions. Very often, people tend to see 55 as "positive" hexagram. But if you follow the Wings, then you can find that in 55 there is "abundance", but abundance of posibilities. You can't have everything; so, you need to chose one.

Is like being in a crossroad; you can follow both Paths; if you chose one, you wont chose the other. When related to emotional issues, 55 often implies that there is a conflict between your self-development and one relationship. In this case, you need to chose focus on your self-development, even if it means you need to resign from the relation.

So, this is describing your conflict: you want the relation, but you can't have it. Focus on your self-development. After you reach it; if having a parter is on your Path you'll find a good one then. But first, develop your self.

This is reinforced by the 58.4 line. After you release yourself from mistakes, calmness and happiness would arrive

Best wishes
 
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mercury

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Hello Jesed, and thank you! that's pretty much the situation...I know moving beyond it is the key for me. And yes, when I saw 55 I did do a little happy dance; I assumed it meant a coming time of plenty and rejoicing, the land of milk and honey, etc. (It's hard being a novice!)

The difficulty as always is overcoming desire and living in the moment, I guess. Thank you for this approach and for your analysis.
 

autumn

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Jesed, knowing the context here, I think this is an unusual and suprising reading. What is he in denial about from the past? What is the mistake that is preventing him from moving foward? 38.4 (41). What is that? Can you discuss the meaning of that line? What do you think it means? He seems very intent on "letting go", and yet there's something he's critically missing. He is blind to something. So what could that be?
 

mercury

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I'm confused about the "mistake" part...I don't see it in 38.4 but I assume I'm missing something? I've checked out both Karcher and Wilhelm...Karcher mentions "diminishing passion and past involvement".

I did think it was interesting that both 38.4 and 55.1 talked about someone or something influential approaching.
 
J

jesed

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Hi Autumn

Well, that is kind of speculation; but my guts give me: "he is not seeing this is not a lost, but a grown-up oportunity"

38.4 someone feels him/herself isolated, even if there is someone "right" nearby
41 A time of diminishing is not a bad thing, if that lead us to a deeper understanding and honest self-knowledge
55 In a time of choices, don't be sad to chose
58 The joy and calmness of interact with others
 

autumn

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Hmmm... that's interesting. So, you see 38.4 as being overly dramatized. Kind of like- the teenage Romeo and Juliet who made tragic choices they didn't have to make? So, knowing the context, either the idea that the woman from the past was his true love and he cannot be loved as well by anyone else is holding him back, or the idea that he and the other woman had to be tragically separated is holding him back. The solution is to grow beyond the adolescent mentality of Romeo and Juliet. ?

Part of what makes this surprising to me is this:
jesed said:
After you reach it; if having a parter is on your Path you'll find a good one then. But first, develop your self.
Mercury is married right now, and if you go back and look at his readings on his marriage, it's under an extreme amount of pressure (from the subject of this reading, even though this is all in the past).

So, it's interesting that when you look at where he is now in relationship to this past love (not his wife) he's in a time of 55.1 (62), because the choices have already been made.

Perhaps this is telling him, take responsibility for the choices that you made. If you wish to be with your wife, don't act as if you are forced to be with her. Let go of the idea that you were powerless over what happened. ? I don't know. Just some ideas.
 

mercury

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Autumn, this intrigued me as well. There's definitely the Romeo and Juliet starcrossed lovers thing (right people, WRONG time) and the concern that something profound, true and long-lived has been missed and lost. There are also duty, obligation, a love- less-passionate-but-still-love, etc. Whether it's more Dr. Zhivago or Jerry Springer is not for me to say, I guess, but the parallels are there.

I figured 55 was more about a return to enjoying how much I do have in life after leaving this behind. I don't fully understand what that change means other than some new influence about to enter, but I look to your and Jesed's experience and knowledge. Thanks.
 

willowfox

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""Please make a general diagnosis of my emotional time?" yi replied: 38.4 > 41"

Hex 38.4 talks about feelings of isolation and estrangement caused by the person rejecting you. It seems that you will meet another person who will help you, and with their help your unhappiness will disappear.

Hex 41 perhaps decreasing your emotional input and avoid going too deep, give up those strong emotional ties that you have, so simplify things by restraining your desire, in this way you can return to a happier state of affairs.

""Please give me a diagnosis of my concrete situation related to the ended relationship."
yi replied: 55.1 > 62"

Hex 55.1 you need to work through this problem with someone, someone who can help you see the light once again.

Hex 62 this suggests that you should keep a low profile, don't call attention to yourself here, forget about the ex relationship because your continual thinking about it will only cause you trouble and despair. Better for you to get your head stuck into the daily routines of life and work, find enjoyment in those ordinary day to day tasks, and not to get upset, frustrated and resentful about what happened in the past.


""How can I improve my emotional life?" yi sez: 58.4 > 60"

Hex 58.4 at present you are uneasy and lost because you are not sure what to do with yourself. You need to find true happiness once again in order to find peace of mind but you won't find it in temporary fun and games, you need something solid now.

Hex 60 this is about limiting your emotions, setting priorities and deciding what is important in your life so that you can achieve peace of mind, this calls for self control on your part, not to get so carried away by your passions in future, so be realistic and no more daydreams.
 

miakoda

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Mercury:

My understanding of 58.4 is that you still have things to negotiate, to work out, and it's leading to limits in your emotional life. Perhaps your intincts are telling you how to do this, but if not, you could let readings guide your way through negotiating whatever it is that you need to work out to move on to the next phase of your life.

You could try a next logical question, which could be: How could I best implement 58.4>60 or What do I need to resolve in this situation?

Best,

Miakoda
 

mercury

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Thanks Willowfox and Miakoda. All of this of course makes perfect sense in the context of situation. As always it's the implementation of things like "diminishing your emotions (!)" that's difficult.

It also seems that inflated expectations are at issue here...I get lots from yi about big changes approaching, a time of renewal, etc. and I leap to the idea of a new Golden Age beginning after this time of troubles. I think the same inflated expectations helped cause this situation in the first place. Sounds like a new line of questioning for yi.

Autumn, I take it you're in agreement with Jesed on this stuff? I noticed you hadn't chimed in with your own response...not that I'm fishing... ;)
 

autumn

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Well. I did not really want to be a major contributor to this reading. I had hoped to be able to just sit here and learn from jesed.

Whatever the problem is for you- when you contact the problem, you will feel a major change immediately, because you will be coming out of denial about something that has been holding you back. The references to you being in denial about a serious problem in your emotional life and needing a deep examination don't come from a straight reading of 38.4, they come from the timeframes that are built into diagnosis questions.

That's why I was asking for a deeper look at 38.4, to try to locate where the problem was for you. It may feel like I don't understand your situation, and that I am being presumptuous to say this, (and I am, really) but from the reading I guess it is probably a need you have to be in emotionally intense, dramatic romantic situations. You need to let go of that or it is going to mess up something that is otherwise healthy and good for you in your life.

See... the thing about drama is that while it looks like you don't have control over the circumstances, you really are creating that. I understand, so, you fall in love someone. And you are saying, but was that feeling that she was my soulmate real? Should I have been with her? (I guess that's what you're saying). Well, maybe. I don't know. I don't know if your marriage was healthy. I don't know if your marriage was unhealthy but could be healed. I don't know.

But you see, it doesn't matter, because you chose to end this affair. And even though you might not realize it, you ended it because you wanted to end it. Unless it was actually illegal where you live to be with this woman, you chose to see the circumstances as impossible.

Why is that important? Because it means you are subconsciously creating drama. You are doing it to avoid real intimacy (58.4 60). Women do this all of the time when they fall in love with men who are alcoholic or cheating on them. That man is not capable of being emotionally present with them. They chose that man because they are not capable of being intimate, either. Even though they think they really love him and need him to change, if he did change, the intimacy and availability would be intolerable. The solution is to give up an emotional addiction to drama and learn to be authentic and intimate. That means taking responsibility for your choices (55.1 62).
 
J

jesed

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Hi Mercury and Autumn

Just in case the comment could be useful

jesed said:
So, this is describing your conflict: you want the relation, but you can't have it. Focus on your self-development. After you reach it; if having a parter is on your Path you'll find a good one then. But first, develop your self.
jesed said:
"he is not seeing this is not a lost, but a grown-up oportunity"
jesed said:
38.4 someone feels him/herself isolated, even if there is someone "right" nearby
I must confess that I hadn't read the previous threads about his marriage situation; so I assume that this was indeed an ended relation.

But when he asked for the current state of the relation, he got 32>50. The Sign of marriage; and this Sign is still in the present. There is a serious advice of risk for the end of relation (line 6), but this still can be avoid with propper action.

Now, the pieces are coming together:
IF he, instead of thinking in this situation as something lost and feeling sad for it, a) sees this situation as a posibility to grown-up; b) focus from here to september 07 in self-development and rid himself from mistakes..THEN the relation could avoid get into line 6 of 32.

But don't get confused: he shouldn't act attempting to save the relation now (it is not time yet); but chosing his self-development as his priority. If he can improve from now to sept, THEN he could find his the propper partner in her wife.

Best wishes
 

mercury

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Autumn, first, sorry to drag you into this when you preferred not to be dragged. I apologize. But thanks for the comments. As far as my situation, you're probably mostly right; it's a case of two people who married slightly older spouses too young -- before we really understood ourselves or marriage. When we met, instant chemistry and deep rapport that lasted 13 years, with the affair flaring up intermittently during that period until it was discovered a few years ago.

During that 13 years we told ourselves it couldn't work, it was wrong, we flirted and rejected one another, trying to do the "right thing", agonizing over not being able to be close, staying away for long periods, etc. All "dramatic" stuff. But we came together in summer '03 and continued, falling deeper in love over that next year, both feeling like we were meant for one another and knowing full well that we were in the midst of an impossible relationship. I don't mean to paint us as angels; we were far from it. Deceptive, prideful, secretive, immature, I plead guilty to all of it.

There are kids and a totally dependent spouse involved, and when everything hit the fan we both knew deep down that I could not bring myself to leave them, although in my heart I wanted to start anew with her. (I don't know if such a relationship could have sustained the guilt and baggage that would have been created; I don't know how any woman could feel safe with a man who left a wife with no prospects of her own and three dependent children.) We went back to our spouses with the notion of repairing the damage and not seeing one another any more. But she was much unhappier in her marriage; she wanted OUT and after half-heartedly trying to work it out, ended up starting a romance with a co-worker/confidant a little less than a year after our thing ended.

They married over this past '06 Christmas break; from what little I know I think she's probably very happy with this man, who was her good friend. But I can't help but wonder about how quickly it happened, given the things that were said and felt -- I presumed then and presume now, honestly, between she and I two and a half years ago. Could I be naive? Maybe, but I'm old enough and know her well enough -- unless she's TRULY Machiavellian -- to feel that she was being straight with me then.

Did the pain of our breakup drive her to act out of fear of being alone? Did she mean all along to end our affair and get out of the marriage, since she knew I couldn't leave? Has she married for sincere reasons, or did she stampede into the arms of the nearest emotionally available savior? Or am I just trying to find a dark cloud in her silver lining for egotistical reasons?

I'll probably never know, and I know it doesnt' really matter. I want to move on, to repent and grow -- but I'd like to move on feeling like I know a little more than I do, that I'm basing my actions on some kind of truth. Or maybe no one ever really gets that; I'm thinking that's the case. I'm thinking maybe I just have to decide what my truth is, and go.

There! Got it all out. sorry to bore, but yi says "communicate", so...

Thank you and Jesed both.
 
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jesed

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Oh... 2 relations....
a) Marriage; is under 32
b) Another relation, already ended; under 55
 

autumn

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mercury said:
Autumn, first, sorry to drag you into this when you preferred not to be dragged. I apologize. But thanks for the comments.
No, that's ok, it's just the title of the thread is "jesed's questions", so I didn't want to dominate the responses to his questions, I prefered to listen and learn from him.

Let's see if we can get this straight.
(1) The first question you asked was about a reunion with your Mistress. So, the answer about a reunion with your Mistress was 1.4.6. (5)
(2) You asked an undefined question.. I don't know who the subject was and got 64.3.4.5.6. (48)
(3) You asked about your marriage and got 1.1.6. (28).
(4) The second time you asked about your marriage you got 32.6 (50)
(5) You asked about the changes inside of yourself and got 49.2.3. (58)

(6) You asked for a general diagnosis of your emotional time and got 38.4 (41)
(7) You asked for a concrete diagnosis of the relationship with your Mistress, which has ended, and got 55.1 (62)
(8) You asked for advice to improve your emotional time and got 58.4 (60).

First, focusing on what you can control.. the theme of 58 is intimacy, and you can see that it appears in your questions about the changes inside of you and improving your emotional life. I do believe this is probably at the root of the problem. Avoding intimacy- and allowing 38.4 (41), the forced circumstances and isolation, to control your decisions.

As to your marriage, as you can see from both 1.1.6. (28) and 32.6 (50), it is under intense pressure from needs that you have that are not fulfilled.

Looking at the relationship with your Mistress, notice what is common in both relationships. In both relationships you have received 1.6. In both relationships, you've made an error of over-estimating your importance. With your wife, you feel she needs you and you must stay with her out of a sense of duty, not out of partnership. With your Mistress, you worry she doesn't really love her husband, and wishes she had married you.

If you had not believed that you were so important that your wife could not live without you, then perhaps you would have made a different decision with your Mistress. Perhaps the healthy choice would have been to end the affair, examine the marriage, and end the marriage if it was not based on partnership and love. But that opportunity has come and gone. Your Mistress is married. Now that she is married to another man, you have an opportunity not to repeat the same mistake you are making with your wife and see yourself as your mistress' savior.

In all of this, you have the opportunity to end drama and act with self-direction (Hexagram 1) in the face of your present reality. You aren't happy in your marriage. Your marriage is danger of ending because of the pressure of having emotional needs going unmet. This is a difficult situation. The way forward is to first rid yourself of the feeling that it "must" be like this. What if you gave your wife more credit, and saw her not as someone who can't live without you bcause she is dependent, but as a person who deserves to be loved as a full partner? If you saw her that way, then perhaps it would be more respectful to her to end the marriage. Or, perhaps seeing her as a full partner would be tranform your marriage into something that meets your needs. I don't think you really do your partner a favor if you see that person as depedent and you stay with them because they need you.

Now, I'm not saying, "leave your wife". I'm saying, these core issues of seeing the emotional reality of your world need to be transformed, and when you see things in a more balanced way, then you can make the right decison. Does that make sense?
 

mercury

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Autumn, your take makes perfect sense. When I use the word "dependent" about my spouse, I mean it in a strictly financial sense; I don't see her as helpless or inferior. The plain truth is that she doesn't have the means to support herself and I'm just not going to put her in that position. I can't. The problems in our marriage stem from way back -- a dynamic that existed that I didn't even realize existed until well into the marriage.

As I said, I was young and didn't know myself well enough. Thought I could handle more than I could, wanted to do the right and mature thing and stick with it -- wasn't mature enough or strong enough to actually do it.

I'm trying to get there now. Thanks for looking at this in such detail
 

autumn

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Well, LOL, you aren't going to have to worry about her financial situation. Her divorce lawyer will do the worrying for you. And yes, she can support herself. She could get by just fine without you.

But, of course, this is not the best solution in a marriage with children and no abuse. If you've been emotionally attached to another woman for 13 years of your marriage, then you have never truly given it a chance. Why not try loving your wife the way she deserves to be loved before you file for divorce? Go to counseling?
 

mercury

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autumn said:
Well, LOL, you aren't going to have to worry about her financial situation. Her divorce lawyer will do the worrying for you. And yes, she can support herself. She could get by just fine without you.

But, of course, this is not the best solution in a marriage with children and no abuse. If you've been emotionally attached to another woman for 13 years of your marriage, then you have never truly given it a chance. Why not try loving your wife the way she deserves to be loved before you file for divorce? Go to counseling?

You're right, it hasn't had a full chance for 13 out of our 17 married years. I'm not thinking of filing for divorce, I don't want to disrupt her or our kids' lives -- one in particular would be traumatized. I can't do that; it's not a need to feel that I'm a savior, it's just reality. Also, she's from another country and has very strong emotional ties there -- to the point that living here without our family as it exists would be a very tough row to hoe for her. And no matter the divorce settlement, she's frankly too old and not in posession of up to date skills to enter the job market here or back home in any dignified way. I'm not saying she couldn't do it, that she couldn't find the strength -- but it would be a massive change to have to make when you're entering your fifties. (I'm 44.) It's a very complicated web.

As I said, I'm (and she is too) living out the consequences choices made with good intentions but not as much experience, self-knowledge or honesty, and I've botched it pretty badly. It has been a complex situation on all sides and in all senses -- but I want to do right by her. She's a wonderful person and deserves far far better, and I'm trying.

If I was going to leave this situation, believe me, I had the best reason -- in the selfish sense -- in the world. Even that wasn't enough.
 
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autumn

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Mercury,
The question about 64 had to be about your Mistress, is that right? Anyway, when I look at your readings about her, there isn't the judgmentalism that you imagine. I see lost opportunities and a failure to be clear about yourself and your commitments. Your mistake isn't that you loved her, your mistake is that in loving her you allowed yourself to live a lie. That's one part of the reading, but the other part is that it's a lost opportunity and you can't live with the regret of not making the choice to be with her. The transitional hexagam in 1.4.6 (5) is 9.6, and the fan yao of that line specifically says, "an unexpected guest arrives, honor them and there will be good fortune". It means, accept that she is with someone else. Notice that the point in time in the past from your emotional diagnosis question corresponds to her new marriage. So, this is something you must let go of- that she is no longer available to you.

Ironically, I think losing her is clearly putting more stress, not less stress, on your marriage. And that is because you were able to deal with the lack of intimacy and romantic partnership in your marraige by living the affair that allowed you to continue your family commitment.

The past can't be un-done. Your romantic relationship with your wife has suffered severe damage by existing simultaneously with your relationship with your mistress. It may be that being in that situation for so long has destroyed your ability to see your wife as the partner you need, because she will always be compared to the other love.

Your goal right now needs to be to work through the damage you've done to yourself and get to the root of why you made the choices you did and allowed them to continue. You aren't in a position to decide one way or the other how your marriage will continue. So, give yourself a break and do that work. Maybe in the future you can love your wife the way she deserves to be loved, but maybe you can't. And if you can't, you can't. That's the repentence of 1.6 (43). It's surrender.

It's good that you love your family in the way that you do. That will make the future easier, whatever that future will be.
 
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mercury

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Autumn, I think you're right about everything you say. I do know why I made the choices I did; I had an unrealistic view of what marriage was. I was in over my head but still wanted to "do the right thing" for a wonderful person whom I loved -- and love -- but who had a lot of needs that frankly overwhlemed me, because at some level I went into the marriage seeing it as a duty.

I was young and inexperienced, she was older, I thought if you weren't compromising and sacrificing enough, you weren't being 'mature' enough. In reality, I simply wasn't committed to a real relationship and everything I told myself I was compromising and sacrificing was just lying in wait. I thought I was at fault for not being ready, when here was someone who I loved and who loved me -- and who for a variety of reasons I desperately wanted to make happy.

I can hardly believe how badly I've messed things up, how decision after decision led to the opposite of what I wanted or what would have been best. A whole life -- two lives, four, an entire circle of friends -- compromised and warped. I literally am at the end of some kind of rope, I really don't know what to do. Yi has told me to let things unfold, try to do small things, and that's what I'm doing, and my relationship with my wife has been better and more open lately despite a lot of pain. But I feel like we're treading water; she knows I have not moved past the other yet, and doubts that I ever will.

Anyway - thank you for your thoughts and wisdom; I know it's a really sorry tale, and I can't beleive I've blathered about it the way I have. I can't believe you've listened. But the I ching has been really important to me lately -- even though I can see just how limited my understanding of it is -- it's given me a little more strength to try and set right what little I can, and learning from those who are more versed in it is invaluable.

Thanks, Autumn, I appreciate the thoughts and the patience more than I can say.
 

mercury

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Me again. I asked today about where I am now in the situation, as of today. I got 56.2.4.5 > 57. It seemed pretty apt, although I'm not as confident in my analyses lately...I'm a little gunshy and afraid of decieving myself.

BTW, I have Karcher's TOTAL I CHING, I have Wilhelm and I have Sarah Dening's EVERYDAY I CHING; I tend to bounce between the three. Does anyone have thoughts on these, strengths, weaknesses, etc.?
 

luz

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Hi Mercury,

I think the main problem you have is that you don't know what you want.
At least, I can not decipher what it is that you want of this situation, by looking at your posts.

You had a relationship, you ended it, it was a mutual decision and you consider it to be the right decision and would not entertain the idea of doing it differently, then or now. Right?

And then you ask questions about her, you want to know if she married because of the pain of your relationship, etc. Basically, I guess, you want to know if she still loves you or if she ever loved you, etc etc etc

I do think that it is rather selfish of you to want to know that she still loves you (because I suppose that is the outcome you look for, when you wonder how she feels). After all, you were the one who could not take the last step to be with her. She divorced her then husband and moved on. You could say that the relationship ended because of your decision (even if it was the right one). So, let her go, hope that she is happy and go on with your life, restrained as it is, but sure in your idea that this is your lot, your road and that you are willing to go through with it.

I think it's sometimes normal to wonder, like perhaps you do, whether the relationship was real, or if you just imagined it, or whether maybe you were the only one that felt deeply and the other person lied or exaggerated. You seemed troubled to think that she might not have meant what she said, or the feelings she showed. Well, keep in mind that very genuine feelings can come and go, we humans are fickle beings at heart (and that is probably the reason why we can survive big disappointments) and perhaps you are still stuck on this relationship because you are unhappy at home. In other words, it is perfectly possible that she adored you as much as you did adore her but that now she has moved on completely. It's very possible, and very healthy on her part.

I hope you can find peace soon but that can only happen when you realize that this line of thinking if just a mental exercise, it will lead you nowhere, it only makes you more attached to something that is long gone and that could not be.
 

mercury

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lightangel, thanks for the thoughts. I think you're right, and have told myself everything that you have a thousand times over.

I know Ihave no right to feel hurt or abandoned by her. I couldn't give her the thing she needed anymore, what was she supposed to do -- join a convent? Intellectually I know this. And from what I know of the man she's with, it's probably a match made in heaven for both. I'm sure they feel like fate brought them together, in much the same way that she and I felt.

The only doubt in my mind about that is the time frame and the notion that she could have sought a quick escape from the marriage with a soft place to land after she realized I was unavailable to her. (there are things in her history that could suggest this as a possibility; it's not totally groundless speculation, though I know it sounds like I'm fishing.) When our affair was discovered we were both in shock; we'd never planned for the possibility.

we both retreated to work things out with our spouses; I was threatened with restraining orders, divorce, etc. if I had any contact with her and vice versa.

she stopped trying with her husband within six months and was in her new relationship shortly after. I was denied contact with her during this whole period -- afraid to get her or myself in trouble or muck up any possible legal proceedings. I think she had decided that it was just too much trouble and humiliation, and that my ties to my family were too strong. I hesitate to call our breakup a mutual one, since I feel I was left out of the final decision. Perhaps this is the root of my inability to let go.

I made a choice -- not the one I wanted to make, the one I felt I had to make. Perhaps that's a false distinction, but I felt the other choice would have been ultimately harder to live with -- not just for me, but for my wife and kids. I just didn't and don't think it's right that my chance at happiness should outweigh theirs, particularly when this whole situation stems from my own selfishness and dishonesty.

I know she loved me. I know it was real. I know that I could have given her happiness and vice versa, she was ready to, and if we'd had more time before our relationship was discovered I don't know what my choice might have been. We felt that we were growing closer and closer together -- would I have found the will to make a break and accept the consequences? I don't know. I do know that I was feeling like it could have been the chance of a lifetime. Hearing that she's moved on so decisively when I've been unable to has been a sharp kick to my heart and my ego.

I don't know if I'm courageous or a coward for making the choice that I did, I truly don't. I feel like I've lost everything, and that I should have seen it all coming a decade ago. Moving on sounds so easy but I truly don't know what the correct decision really was, anymore -- and now it's too late. Now I'm simply hoping to find the strength to accept and take what comes. I don't know what else to do.

I feel that I've written WAY TOO MUCH about this now. Thank you for your thoughts.
 
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autumn

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I don't have a lot of time to write this, but I'll try to express as much of what I feel about your readings as possible.

First, I want you to consider that the arrogance of 1.6 (43), the common line from both relationship readings, isn't just the arrogance of shunning responsibility. It is also the arrogance of assuming too much responsibility. Assuming responsibility can be prideful and out of balance. Also, notice that both readings on your marriage, and your reading for your relationship with for your mistress have active line sixes. Your role in both relationships is at the end of a cycle. You know and are expressing that. There is a death occurring in both relationships.

Notice how 49.2.3. (58) is addressing being at the end of a cycle. LiSe uses the image of a reptile shedding its skin for 49. Remember that line 2 in 49 is telling you that the time has come to meet the strong man who can lead the revolution. Remember, also that in the context of the reading, 49.2 changes to 43, a strong break with the past, surrender, (also the resulting hexagram of 1.6) and 43.3. results, which changes to 58. Remember in 43.3. the man is reviled, and walks according to his needs and his view of the world. Notice how this line expresses the opposite point of view from this statement,
mercury said:
I was young and inexperienced, she was older, I thought if you weren't compromising and sacrificing enough, you weren't being 'mature' enough
The changes that are occuring inside of you are showing you how to embrace 43.3 (58). You have your own needs. You are learning how to create relationships that meet your needs, instead of dramatic and impossible relationships that can't meet your needs (both your wife and mistress were not capable of meeting your needs)

Notice that 49 is showing you how to shed the mindsets and wrong ideas about leadership and have true intimacy and joy (58). Notice that your advice to improve your emotional time is 58.4 (60), ridding yourself of mistakes, and then there is joy.

The mistake, I believe, is what I have been expressing as a heightened sense of self-importance that causes you to relate to your wife out of a "savior" role. This is the antithesis of romantic partnership and true intimacy. As I said before, love and intimacy with your Mistress was dependent on the conditions of 38.4 (41), being isolated, created drama.

Your job now is to look at these issues openly. I think you would do very, very well in intensive one on one psychotherapy. Notice that even now, as you are reaching out for help, you are doing so in a 54 situation. Anonymously, at the mercy of whoever chooses to share their thoughts on this board. Bring your needs into the light and work with a good therapist one on one you can trust.

Lastly, one other thing I have noticed about your readings is this. Sometimes people get strong no's when they ask about a reunion. Sometimes people get direction to make massive changes, or strong yes's. You got 9.6 (5), and 1.4, which is about changing your approach and going with the flow. There aren't strong no's or yes's. Instead, you are standing at an apex in time. Moving forward in any direction is completely dependent on you accepting that for now, and possibly forever, your Mistress is not available to you. Nothing will change until you- like she has done- go back to 24, a new cycle. (And recall she was went through a cycle of 24 when your relationship ended). The Yi isn't showing you any path being really open- not with your wife, and not with your Mistress, it's just showing you off the path until you accept the reality of her departure from your life.

When you do that, when you face the grief from that, then you will enter a time of more choices. Right now, I feel that you are holding yourself back from this wave of grief, in a way, and you will drive yourself to connect with her and destroy your marriage and disrupt her marriage if don't just let that grief come. The way to heal your life is to move forward without her.
 

mercury

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Autumn, again, I know you're right. I know acceptance is the only way. I noticed myself the somewhat vague readings I'd get when I asked about the possibility of a future meeting between us; I got a lot of 5's and 9's -- just wait, just wait, just wait... I don't feel that I know enough to trust myself, so I've stopped asking that question for fear of continuing to cling to fantasy.

I also get, in almost every reading I do on this situation, that I'm at the end of a cycle. Over and over again, yi tells me "Hang on. Get through this, a new cycle is starting, there's nothing you can do to change that. This cycle is ending." If so, then END ALREADY!!! I've gotten several that say this is not my fault -- it's a cycle and I must begin a new life. I would appreciate any insight anyone can give me on cycles, how they relate to one's life, etc.

As far as grief; I think I'm beginning to feel it. I'm realizing there's absolutely nothing I can do. I'm feeling kind of numb. I'm not going to contact her; I don't want to interfere with her happiness. If she's found what I think she has then I would hate myself for coming back like some vampire that just won't die. And if there's a chance that I can have the freedom and ease that she must have found, then I want to move in that direction.

Autumn, THANK YOU for this. You have been wonderful, compassionate and helpful to a self-indulgent, obsessive fool who only learns the hard way.
 

willowfox

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"I asked today about where I am now in the situation, as of today. I got 56.2.4.5 > 57."

Hex 56.2 you will gain support when you start acting in a sensible manner. You have a wife and children who need you, you have a place to live, so be content with all those things.

Hex 56.4 put a stop to your wayward desires, you have a solid place to live, so why the doubts? Put a stop to your doubts, you are in a very secure position, you are not a stranger in your own home, so don't act like one.

Hex 56.5 get your wife a special present, you will then win her support and gain new friends, immerse yourself in your family and home life. That is all that you need now.

Hex 57 know exactly what you want from life and remain quiet and contented, stop your continual struggling and accept reality. Now is the time to make a firm commitment to your family and put a final stop to your doubts. Slow, steady, persistent, positive progress progress is what is needed, adapt to your wife and children.

The hexs that you received before told you that a new cycle is beginning, and an old one has ended, well that is true. Your affair is over, finished, gone, dead, so stop wishing for a dream, dreams are only fleeting experiences that never last, never see the light of day.
Now, the new cycle has begun, and it involves your wife and family, they are not a dream, they are real and they need you, so get stuck into your new life.
 

mercury

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Thanks Willowfox. I know that you're right and that acceptance is the answer. Right now I'm trying not to obsess over my own happiness and be small for awhile as the situation demands.

Thanks for the thoughts.
 

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