Love 11.1> 46

[vcdias]

Hello,
(English is not my first language, so sorry if I commit any mistake)
I was dating this girl for the past two years we've been talking daily, and we truly had a connection but, at the same time I was hesitant because I was still healing from a abusive relationship. After some time we had some amazing dates.
But, because of the pandemic I had to return to my hometown so it was harder to see her.

By july of the last year, I was having some anxiety attacks, she asked me how I saw her and what were my expectations but I was feeling so bad that I only managed to answer: "I see you as a really good friend, and I don't know what to expect about anything". She got sad but decided to date another guy who was after her. I got really jealous but there was nothing I could really do. I tried to be her friend, but this guy made her feel very anxiosus and she was using me as a emotional support, I got really uncomfortable and declared myself to her. She got really hesitant at first but with time we talked more and more about our feelings and she dumped him for me (that was by the end of August).

In September, I went to her apartment and we had a truly amazing weekend. In the following week we were talking a lot, but she decided to watch a series that triggered her and she got insecure. She told me that sometimes she gets really depressed, and I told her that I missed being with her, that I'd hug her if I could and that I still wanted to be with her.

A few days later she decided to get some time apart, saying things like: I don't truly like her, that Iwas most probably dating other people and etc. and that she needed some time apart that we should move on with our lifes but that I should tell her once I move back to the city that she lives.

ByDec. I was planning to move back, so I told her and were talking the same way as we did before. I told her that I wanted to date her again but then she said that I didn't truly liked her and etc (and I tried to talk her out of it without any success). We kept texting each other but things got colder and colder. Then I told her that I wanted to talk about our relationship she said she doens't have any romantic interest on me anymore and that she was dating this other guy again and that he wanted something serious with her from the beggining while I was hesistant but she still trusted me and wanted me as a friend.

After some days thinking, and being anxious about other things in my life, and decided that this whole thing wasn't doing me any good and told her that I needed some time with no contact. She sent me a angry text saying that I should never get close to her again which I replied saying that I really love her and this whole thing was hurting me, and that I need this time to heal (that was last week).

Today I asked I-ching what to expect with my relationship with her and I got 11.1 >46, but I'm really confused about it. Can you please help me?

Sorry for the long text!

TLDR; I'm no contact with a girl that I love and that I was dating, but because of some reasons I decided to go no contact with her. asked I ching what to expect about our relationship and got 11.1>46.

 

[my_key]

Hex 11 draws pictures for you about how things flow, are communicated and unfold in your world. If used correctly the flow can enhance your world (11) however there is a requirement that you engage with your life in a positive way so that you achieve what you are looking for through your own efforts. Things just won't come to you without you making an effort (46)

11.1 kind of asks you to notice how you have been walking / talking / listening / behaving in your world and realise that if you begin to re-model yourself you will be better placed to create the type of relationship that will truly satisfy your needs. This may involve, for you, changing things or taking a few risks.

In short, I'd venture that this is answering you by saying "You can expect to get from the relationship what you are prepared to put into it and to put up with in it."

...or it might mean nothing like this at all.

Good Luck

 

[dancingfox]

Seems like neither of you are quite ready for an engaged relationship. How can you expect anything at all from a relationship if you take turns in going no contact? An open, respectful and honest communication is the key to any relationship.

Like my_key said said;
You can expect from the relationship whatever you put into it. If you both keep playing games than that is what will come back to you.

11.1 get out of your old habit of attracting and pushing away
To make that change happen you need the energy of pushing upward (46) (WikiWing)
Focus on the harmony you want to experience and use the moment to start creating it (Hilary Barrett - I Ching)

All the best!

 

[vcdias]

Thanks you my_key and dancingfox.

Well, I am not doing no contact as a game, really. I am doing it because of my mental health, for the past few months I've been having anxiety attacks which I've been treating but the fact that she kept invalidating my feelings and pushing me away was doing no good for my recovery.

The curious thing is that I had said to her that I really liked her but we had this ongoing communication problem that we have to fix...but she replied saying wanted me only as her friend.

And that what makes me confuse, she invalidates my feelings but wants me to stay close, when I try to keep my distance to heal she gets angry, and then this hexagram only makes me even more confused hahaha

 

[Trojina]

If a girl ever wanted to be in a relationship with you she would hate being called a 'friend'...there's even that tiktok song 'give me that title'.. This is non Yi related but it seems she needed you to be far more clearly committed as her boyfriend not her friend.

said she doens't have any romantic interest on me anymore and that she was dating this other guy again and that he wanted something serious with her from the beggining while I was hesistant but she still trusted me and wanted me as a friend.

So he jumped ahead of you because he offered a clear relationship from the beginning. There's a limit to how long a woman is going to hang around with someone who calls her a 'friend' when she needs more. The whole story looks to me to be a picture of woman/girl who needed you to step up and give her a title. I'm not blaming you as maybe you couldn't do that and maybe you're more sensitive overall but this is where you lost out

A few days later she decided to get some time apart, saying things like: I don't truly like her, that Iwas most probably dating other people and etc. and that she needed some time apart that we should move on with our lifes but that I should tell her once I move back to the city that she lives.

So she clearly needed much firmer commitment, a strong declaration of your intentions. It sounds like she was almost trying to push you into being much stronger in your declaration that yes you do like her and you do want her as your girlfriend.

After some days thinking, and being anxious about other things in my life, and decided that this whole thing wasn't doing me any good and told her that I needed some time with no contact. She sent me a angry text saying that I should never get close to her again which I replied saying that I really love her and this whole thing was hurting me, and that I need this time.

it's confusing. You love her but you won't speak to her? I know it's for a reason you need time but...seems to me like she doesn't want to be messed around anymore. She needs someone who is clear and straightforward about the relationship they want with her. I speak very generally but looking back to being young myself guys who said they were friends and didn't really make any definite commitment just aren't an attractive prospect to a girl if there's another guy ready to make that commitment. If you love her you need to offer her the title of girlfriend.

But I also agree with what dancingfox said

Seems like neither of you are quite ready for an engaged relationship. How can you expect anything at all from a relationship if you take turns in going no contact?

After some days thinking, and being anxious about other things in my life, and decided that this whole thing wasn't doing me any good and told her that I needed some time with no contact. She sent me a angry text saying that I should never get close to her again which I replied saying that I really love her and this whole thing was hurting me, and that I need this time to heal (that was last week).

It's very hard on people to be close to them then to not be so she is trying to protect herself I'd think. It feels like she's flailing about and she needs something quite solid to be emotionally happy.

I don't know this situation as well as you obviously I'm just reading between the lines from her perspective. I think if you want her you have to drop the whole 'friend' thing and be her boyfriend properly or leave her alone. It seems what you can't do is keep turning off and on/contact/no contact, she's told you she doesn't want that.

By july of the last year, I was having some anxiety attacks, she asked me how I saw her and what were my expectations but I was feeling so bad that I only managed to answer: "I see you as a really good friend, and I don't know what to expect about anything". She got sad but decided to date another guy who was after her.

So you'd spent all that time together and she'd invested in you and you said she was just a friend. I'm sure she was sad. The whole thing just collapsed for her. You can't have it both ways treat her as a 'friend' then get jealous when she goes with someone who can show her commitment. I think you have to change if you want her.

TLDR; I'm no contact with a girl that I love and that I was dating, but because of some reasons I decided to go no contact with her. asked I ching what to expect about our relationship and got 11.1>46.

11.1 says

'Pulling up thatch grass, roots entangled,
With more of its kind.
Setting out to bring order, good fortune.'

You're in 11, flow of life, there's plenty of that between you and you are connected, entangled. And it says your issues are entangled too I think so it looks like it's time to work on working this out seeing what's underneath. Now if she is already with another guy your options are limited but if she isn't and you want to get back together then it's time to start to put in some effort and work, 'setting out to bring order' which might mean finding a way to stay committed even when you're anxious and depressed. Maybe you have quite similar mental health issues so you have to work out how you can make her feel secure even when you are feeling bad and she's feeling sad.


Reading the whole story this clearly is, or was, a girl who really wanted to 'belong' to you, to be your girlfriend and so she was upset when you said she was just a friend. She's not just a friend, she never was just a friend and no girl who really wants a relationship is going to stay around to be your friend. So it's time for you to do a lot of work not to cut contact to try and make it work, 'pull up the roots' of this.

The thing is now she lost interest romantically so I don't know if she will ever be interested again but it might be worth a try?

 

[Trojina]

The words tickle me and it seems relevant to your question

 

[vcdias]

Thanks for your reply, Trojina. It was insightful.

So she clearly needed much firmer commitment, a strong declaration of your intentions. It sounds like she was almost trying to push you into being much stronger in your declaration that yes you do like her and you do want her as your girlfriend.

Yeah, I understand all that. I do regret being slow (even tough I had just finished a long abusive relationship the year before) but if I could go to the past and change that I would.

it's confusing. You love her but you won't speak to her? I know it's for a reason you need time but...seems to me like she doesn't want to be messed around anymore. She needs someone who is clear and straightforward about the relationship they want with her. I speak very generally but looking back to being young myself guys who said they were friends and didn't really make any definite commitment just aren't an attractive prospect to a girl if there's another guy ready to make that commitment. If you love her you need to offer her the title of girlfriend.

I don't know this situation as well as you obviously I'm just reading between the lines from her perspective. I think if you want her you have to drop the whole 'friend' thing and be her boyfriend properly or leave her alone. It seems what you can't do is keep turning off and on/contact/no contact, she's told you she doesn't want that.

I had made my intensions clear in 3 different times, but she wasn`t really accepting it. She kept saying things like "You are only fixated on me", "You don't really like me" and didn't really give me an opening but kept talking to me and droppng things like that everytime she could (like one time that I was really worried about her).

You're in 11, flow of life, there's plenty of that between you and you are connected, entangled. And it says your issues are entangled too I think so it looks like it's time to work on working this out seeing what's underneath. Now if she is already with another guy your options are limited but if she isn't and you want to get back together then it's time to start to put in some effort and work, 'setting out to bring order' which might mean finding a way to stay committed even when you're anxious and depressed. Maybe you have quite similar mental health issues so you have to work out how you can make her feel secure even when you are feeling bad and she's feeling sad.


Reading the whole story this clearly is, or was, a girl who really wanted to 'belong' to you, to be your girlfriend and so she was upset when you said she was just a friend. She's not just a friend, she never was just a friend and no girl who really wants a relationship is going to stay around to be your friend. So it's time for you to do a lot of work not to cut contact to try and make it work, 'pull up the roots' of this.

The thing is now she lost interest romantically so I don't know if she will ever be interested again but it might be worth a try?

And there's the thing I really don't know how to do. If I do return to talk to her, she might bring up this entire "you are only fixated on me", if she really is with guy, I would be misarable being her emotional support all over again...

So, long story short, I have no idea how to approach her anymore, and this whole anxiety makes things only worse.

 

[Liselle]

After some days thinking, and being anxious about other things in my life, and decided that this whole thing wasn't doing me any good and told her that I needed some time with no contact. She sent me a angry text saying that I should never get close to her again which I replied saying that I really love her and this whole thing was hurting me, and that I need this time to heal (that was last week).

Today I asked I-ching what to expect with my relationship with her and I got 11.1 >46

Okay, you got this advice after she told you to go away. This is encouraging! (In my opinion, at least.)

'Pulling up thatch grass, roots entangled,
With more of its kind.
Setting out to bring order, good fortune.'

Yi's telling you even now that if you set out to bring order to this tangled-up mess, there will be good fortune.

That said, "good fortune" probably isn't guaranteed to mean happily-ever-after, and it might mean your relationship will always have tangles ("what to expect" is fairly open-ended).

But it could also mean that if you keep working on it one step at a time (46), and keep that up steadily over time, that things can eventually work out.

'setting out to bring order' which might mean finding a way to stay committed even when you're anxious and depressed. Maybe you have quite similar mental health issues so you have to work out how you can make her feel secure even when you are feeling bad and she's feeling sad.

Excellent thought, imo.

 

[redoleander]

I have experienced 11.1 > 46 as needing to step out and experience. To hold on to any connection that works and move forward with it, bring others up with me and so forth. I’m not sure if this line tells you what to expect so much as saying you’ll have to step out and risk if you want to find out. This doesn’t mean you have to be totally out of your comfort zone but you’ll need to sort of… step out and find out. It’s important to choose what moves you forward. If you can move forward with this person, wonderful. But if the pattern continues then it might be something that’s just holding you back somewhat. If you’re truly intertwined in a good way, you’ll be able to move forward together. If you aren’t, maybe you’ll have a different adventure.