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maybe a baby 44.6>28

G

goddessliss

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Good morning,

A guy and I are interested in each other romantically. He is 37 and I am 50.
So I asked him about whether he wanted children or not and, at the time he said if it happens in his life it happens and he never thought about it much cause it just hadn't happened.
We got talking about this subject again the other day as I sensed a bit of withdrawal from him and asked him why and he told me that the initial conversation about kids we'd had, had actually got him thinking. He also told me his grandmother had mentioned, before she died some time ago, that he was the only male in the family so it would be only his children who would carry on the family name(assuming he has boys I guess). He said this feels like a great pressure to him.
So we talked about it some more and he said he just wants to sort it out in his own mind before he takes things any further between us.
That is cool by me and I admire him for this and love that he is taking the time to really think clearly about what he is doing.
I made it clear to him that whatever feels is right for him is fine by me. No stress do what you gotta do.
So I asked How will things progress btw him and I

Hex 44.6>28

At first I thought it meant we will part ways but now I'm thinking it is possibly the withdrawal he is going through from our relationship to sort it out.
And Hex 28 talks about the pressure he is under to actually have to make a decision as I know he likes me enough to want to have a relationship with me and see where it takes us.
But there is definitely no pressure from me.

thks xx
 
G

goddessliss

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But as the day has gone on I have thought I don't really want to be part of him having to make such a serious decision and really how can you make such a decision.
So I asked

How would it benefit me to walk away from this relationship

Hex 32.5.6>

Seems to be saying just let him take the lead and if I did walk away it would be to my detriment.

How would it benefit me to wait for him to make a decision about his dilemma

Hex 23.4>35

This line doesn't sound so great to me - it sounds like I'm gonna be hurt.

thks
blessings Liss xx
 

arabella

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Looking at your first casting, which seems to contain the crux of the matter, it would seem that raising this question has put a lot of pressure on him -- even brought back some implied responsibiltiy laid upon him by his grandmother. He's also at an age where this is a particularly big commitment. He wouldn't finish raising a child until he's past retirement age. Things like that have a big bearing I'd imagine. And 44.6 is a caution to care for the "heir" discussed in hex 44, not to act in an immature way yourself. So perhaps he's considering if he has, or will have, the means for a child. And that might be material, physical, emotional or spiritual means. And maybe there's the question of whether he'd want to share YOU with a baby. This isn't an established marriage it seems with years of enjoyment of time spent together and now room for a child where you've done all you want to do -- at least doesn't sound that way. In short, I can imagine all kinds of pressure he's feeling and also looking at you, aged 37, thinking if you're having a baby you probably want to get on with it -- and maybe thinking you'll blame him ultimately if you miss the chance yourself.

This is huge. And it's a legitimate thing to be raising of course. He's treating it as huge and saying he thought "if it happened it happened" before you brought this up. Now he's thinking there's a lot more to it and maybe it's a deal breaker.

In your shoes I'd want to think how I REALLY feel myself. Where does wanting a baby come in for me? Because if that's a critical matter you have to realise it now too, just as much as he does. For a woman, having a child in late thirties puts you in a certain position as well. Having had a child at your age I'm really happy that I did. I'm also beginning to see the overlap of wanting a rest now -- and knowing she still needs me. It's good for both of you to make an informed choice because hexagram 32 is about the long haul and I think the 32.6 may be saying that somebody has to have a steady view of this thing -- really KNOW what is desired. You brought it up and say it's not important -- he apparently always felt that children were negligible. Would you really split up over having or not having a family that neither of you particulary cares about? I think 32.6 says time to know what you are expecting -- either of you -- and stick with it. This is a non-discussion so far.
 

Trojina

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Goddess is 50, the guy is 37....hence presumably shes definately not having more kids and he may want them
 

arabella

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Glory be Trojan. Dyslexia strikes again -- and I'm not kidding, I really AM dyslexic. Sorry goddessliss -- read it totally backwards, but at least that's textbook.

And, believe it or not, I've been in those shoes too -- with a lots younger guy at a point of being single and, until we had a conversation a couple months into the relationship neither of us knew how old the other was nor had thought of the future -- we were having too much fun. I mean, he could have been dating my eldest daughter. My closest friend was in a similar relationship at the same time -- twelve years older than her guy. He moved across the world and they married and are still happily married while I just moved on, deciding the younger man thing was far too complicated for me. I had already dated a guy who wanted "Kids" with a capital "K" which I found out a few months into our dating. As I was having no more, that made it a no-brainer.

Sounds like this opened a can of worms for the man you are seeing and that his grandmother's words figured big. On the other hand, having a romance with a woman who clearly isn't having children with him says something about him having been comfortable without children? Hex 32.6 still says to me that a decision is called for on everybody's part and why not? Good thing to have clear. And wanting children and seeing a "deadline" out there can be as much for a man as a woman.
 
G

goddessliss

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Thks arabella and trojan(funny)

Yes clearly it did open and can of worms for him cause one minute we had this major teenage 'crush' on each other and were having so much fun and the next minute he's done a 360 and I've just gone what the hecks going on.

The other thing is he works away from home 6 days and is back for 2 sometimes 4 which suits me and when he's back he doesn't really have a lot of time or want of further responsiblities, such as a child. Yep it is funny he has never had kids before and when I asked him about his interest in me as an older woman he said that's just the way it's always been and finds he gets on better with older women. So it doesn't really bother me, my husband of 18 years was 10 years younger than me so it's nothing new for me either.
Hmmm....it seems to be more of the 'guilt' trip he's taken on from his grandmothers words.

At the moment it is very 'up in the air' between us and I have left it with him cause I feel like it is something he has to work out.
And no, no I do not wish to have any more children even if I could - my youngest is 16 and I say hallelujah on that although I am looking forward to having grandchildren.

xx
 
G

goddessliss

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And unfortunately it is a deal breaker cause if he wants to have children then there is no point in continuing our relationship - very sad cause we like each other lots but gotta be real about it. xx
 

arabella

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I hear [and feel] the last post G, been there/done that, and it's a sad moment when the decision is made, but all the same good to know well in advance.
 
G

goddessliss

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Thks arabella - I love that there are so many on this site who have gone through similar to me cause combined with the readings we can all learn so much - but still it's a crying shame sometimes the stuff that happens. Have a lovely day xx
 
G

goddessliss

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Well yesterday he sent me a txt msge saying he just wanted to say hi and to let me know he was thinking of me - what am I supposed to do with that? Not sure so - I sent a reply txt about 12 hours later and said hi back and I am happy and having fun and hope he is good to. He replied with yes he was having fun too but didn't say anything personal - blah! xx
 
G

goddessliss

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It's good for both of you to make an informed choice because hexagram 32 is about the long haul and I think the 32.6 may be saying that somebody has to have a steady view of this thing -- really KNOW what is desired. You brought it up and say it's not important -- he apparently always felt that children were negligible. Would you really split up over having or not having a family that neither of you particulary cares about? I think 32.6 says time to know what you are expecting -- either of you -- and stick with it. This is a non-discussion so far.

After my own soul searching on this matter I told him that although I am very sad I am going to let go of a relationship between us because I was already hurting too much as it really does pivot on the decision he makes.
But apart from that I just don't think it is a decision you can make. There is too much room for regrets either way. Unless of course you definitely know in your heart that you do not want children and I know many who 'just know' they don't want any.
After I had my last child I 'knew' I would never have any more.

His response was that he still needed more time to think about it and if this wasn't an 'issue' for him he would love to have a relationship with me and see where it goes.

For me though, I feel better for making my decision to tell him I am walking away - less expectation I have from him and hopefully now there is less pressure on him to make a decision and he can continue to see what happens naturally for him in terms of having children.

Liss x
 

Trojina

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:confused: Goddess hes 37, hes no spring chicken himself, hes had plenty of time to father children. Although it is thoughtful of you to remind him you won't be having more kids it sounds to me like he isn't much bothered and may not have particularly thought of it if you hadn't said anything

In your shoes I don't think the child issue would worry me to the extent I would finish with him over it. If he was 25 maybe...but he'll be 40 in 3 years.

Why would he want kids more than he wants a partner ? If he was so into kids I think he'd be having them by now...or rather trying to get someone to have his kids.

The readings didn't look great...but neverthless i just don't see the child thing as an issue at all...not at his age, so I don't think thats a reason to call it off ? Unless you are looking for a reason and picked on that one ?


Hmmm anyway I trust you know the situation best, what feels right to you and you will make the right choice for you, I just wanted to toss my opinion in there

The fact that hes thinking it over does show him to be a thoughtful person. Some men may have just assured you they didn't want any just so they could keep on seeing you...although perhaps this time he is taking is the thing you find most hurtful, I can understand that. Maybe you are thinking 'if he was really into me he wouldn't need all this time to make a decision' ?
 
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Trojina

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actually I re looked at the readings and I think it would pay to stop the agitating in 32.6, let things take their course rather than pre empting things before they have even arisen...however if you already made a decision its probably right for you

I don't think you can just go by the readings alone here...but I am inclined to share Arabellas views here
 

cristal

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Um, Independenly of the reading, I just find that most of us think too much in the tomorrow and stop living and enjoying the present.
You were together and happy till that question arised, what ensures him that he would find love with a woman younger than you ? and what ensures him that a woman younger than him would want to have children?, what ensure him that a woman younger will be capable to have children?, Then all present enjoyement its broken because something that maybe we want to have in a future .
Just your question made me think about some personal things, how sometimes I have compromised my present because thinking in an immagined future and just wondering where would you be with him today if that question about a potential future wouldn't have arised.
 
G

goddessliss

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Hey trojan,
Maybe you are thinking 'if he was really into me he wouldn't need all this time to make a decision' ?

Exactly.

I have run the scenario past a few people and they all pretty well have the same opinion as you.

As you are aware this is the 3rd seemingly non-relationship I have had in the past 6 months or more -so clearly there is a issue there for me
Not that I am doing anything outwardly to look for another relationship but I just feel while in his mind I remain open to it I will be left hanging and that is just not fair on me.

And yes I understand he is being considerate by keeping me at a distance while he works it out and in my opinion he is a very clear thinker and this is proof of why.

I guess I've finally got to the stage where I am not just going to accept 'tidbits' here and there and not going to settle for anything less than I deserve and this is my way of letting him know that. The conversation was one of integrity and gentleness no angst or arguments - I guess more of a discussion really.

As you say he is 37 and has had plently of time to think about it and apparently his grandmother said those words to him many years ago.

Definitely no did not want to call this relationship off!
It has actually made me realise how closed off I really was in my previous non-relationships so clearly that is why I attracted them and they didn't work out, however with this guy I say bring it on but he seems to be doing what I have done in the past.
A little bit more to his story is that he is extremely well liked and women think he is one of the loveliest guys you could hope to meet to which I agree.
So I asked him why at 37 he has not married or been in a long term relationship, meaning like a defacto or marriage.
And he said 'because all 3 relationships I had ended because they had affairs'.
Alarm bells rang loudly in my head and I said these things mainly happen because you are not meeting the other persons needs somehow. His response was 'and some people are just like that'.
I know that is essentially why my marriage ended even though it devastated me I knew I didn't want to meet his needs anymore and obviously he wasn't meeting mine.

There was another moment previous to last night where I sorta let him know if he was keen to not continue this relationship please say so - better to be honest than to continue something when you don't want to.

So......is he running scared and making this his excuse to keep us from getting too close or is it the 'real deal'.
Now you know why I went as much as I like him I gotta walk away.

Would love to hear more thoughts from you. xx
 
G

goddessliss

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Thks cristal and yes you are right perhaps everything would have been fine but it's not my issue.
I am keen and was enjoying the present with him but as I have loved having children it is a question I ask most people who haven't had them at his age.
Anyway I have shared a bit more of the story so would be interested if you have any further thoughts.

thks x
 
G

goddessliss

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Also for the past 5 years he has been doing his truck driving job that takes him away from home for 6 days and back for 2 - he says it is to pay his house off in half the time it would normally take which I think good on him but as my girlfriend said he's not really living any sort of 'life' and what will he be left with in the end cause he's 'only got another 15 years to go' to pay the house off this way.

Personally I think everytime he gets in that truck he is running away from the truth - whatever that is for him. x
 

rodaki

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But as the day has gone on I have thought I don't really want to be part of him having to make such a serious decision and really how can you make such a decision.
So I asked

How would it benefit me to walk away from this relationship

Hex 32.5.6>

Seems to be saying just let him take the lead and if I did walk away it would be to my detriment.

How would it benefit me to wait for him to make a decision about his dilemma

Hex 23.4>35

This line doesn't sound so great to me - it sounds like I'm gonna be hurt.

thks
blessings Liss xx

hello,

backtracking to this post I basically agree with Arabella's take on 32.6 but I also have another view of it in that I see it as a pendulum -it's like trying to adjust your place to an ever-changing landscape. And while it's true that change happens all the time, we do need a solid base to stand on, or else things fall away again and again and again in an almost predictable manner.

You wonder if he's running away but even if he is, there's nothing much more to consider there -if he runs away he must have a reason and if he has unfinished business, which sounds a lot like he does, then it's better to stay away; besides, how can you be together with someone who's not that sure where he stands or has thoughts gnawing at him at the back of his mind? No joy in that for either of you.

I think that there's not much point even in trying to analyze this and -imo- that's where your 23/35 comes in. I think this line often shows one going back to the same issue and repeatedly examining it to get to its core, leading to a sort of analysis paralysis -no good either. It won't help you to contend this or struggle with it in your mind, better to focus on finding whatever will help you and support you in embracing your weak parts and be kind to yourself thru it.

I guess a happy conclusion could come if you could find a way for the both of you to feel safe and content in your partnership and this cannot happen if any of you is second-guessing, so let it be. I'm all for 'using' this experience for your own sake, turning the gaze inwards to discover where you are coming from and how your own inner landscape unfolds . . altho I know that Lennon's words are easier sang than done . .

p.s.: I don't know if you're into astrology at all, but I was just reading today about a current square of Venus to Pluto, roughly explained as dredging up the past (Pluto) to look into how we inter-relate (Venus) . .

wishing you well!
 
G

goddessliss

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Thks rodaki - I couldn't agree with you more and as much as I would love it to be a lovely, healthy relationship that doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon so of course then I look to turning my gaze inwards as you have suggested.

This morning I have looked at that and asked Yi What can I learn from this present experience with him Hex 25.4.6>3

So I read this as return to acceptance of the situation as rodaki said stop trying to second guess, which I guess is the same as trojan and arabella saying stop the agitating in my mind and this is the way for me to progress..
Thankyou to all who have taken the time to comment here xx
 
G

goddessliss

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Last night he sent me a txt msge and said 'after spending a lot of time with friends and their children over Easter I have decided I really do want to have children but I value our friendship and think you are a really great woman and would love to stay friends' xx
 

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