Meditation reading

[seeker]

I have tried not to ask questions of Yi the last few days as I felt I was getting into overkill and had started going in circles, but this one I had to ask. I have meditated for years, a form of guided meditation combined with a sort of Lucid Dreaming. After a long hiatus I recently started back, using the same process. I thought it might help to reconnect with that part of me I seem to have lost.

I direct myself through the garden, stop at the well to take a drink and rid myself of anything negative, then go on to my place. Its a stone castle that has changed over the years (was originally glass, changing to stone was quite a journey); things have been added here and there. There are doors in the castle that lead to other places, and sometimes I bring things back or sometimes I just decide I want something there, and voila it appears. As I said, this is my place. AT some point once inside the castle I slip into a lucid dreaming state; I only exercise control over what happens if I am not comfortable with the direction. The castle is my safe place, the place I start at and come back to for each journey. I go here to work things out or to take refuge when the outside world gets to be too much. Other than aspects of myself, there are only 2 residents, an elderly turtle and a dragon, my totem animals, both very wise.

To the best of my recollection, at no time have there ever been any representations of anyone from my waking life. Even my husband and child have never been to the castle, in any form. In the main hall, there is a portrait of myself, medieval in style. Today, on an adjacent wall, was a portrait of the man I was involved with recently. I've written in other posts about the problems with my marriage, and that I had a relationship with someone else. It just appeared; it was just there when I went in. I couldn't fathom what this meant, and none of the inhabitants of the castle knew, or they just wouldn't tell me.

I asked Yi, why was there a portrait of x in the castle in my meditation and got 51 unchanging. Well, that was how I felt, but I am not sure how that answers the question. Any ideas, about the answer or the meditation itself??? Am I reading too much into this? I should note that I was thinking about the issues in my marriage before I started; I was hoping to clarify some things within the meditative setting. I got more confirmation than clarification, but that portrait has me at a loss.

 

[stuart]

I think i have read somewhere if my memory serves me right that the shock 51 could be some sort of sexual stimulas.

 

[RindaR]

This man has brought new energy into your life, has been a shock to you... and there has been a "rising up" - at physical, emotional, mental and spiritual levels as you have worked at resolving your dissonance about the situation.

This hexagram portrays a time of quickening, of new life... I don't have an answer for you, but I do have two related questions you might want to ask the wisest parts of yourself, the elderly turtle and the dragon: What part of yourself does this man reflect back to you? What is it that have you have been missing from your life that this man promises to supply or does in some way already supply?

When you have this answer, perhaps you will be able to see whether you can meet those needs by some method that does not include disrupting your marriage (some kind of inner growth), or whether you are being led to a new relationship in the manifested world (inner growth and outer change).

Hope this is helpful.

 

[seeker]

Ok, that makes sense, and I will try those questions the next time I go in. Interesting that you assumed the turtle and dragon are parts of me. I never have. There are aspects of me that reside in the castle, but I have always seen the turtle and dragon as my spirit guides, not part of me. The turtle was introduced to me by a Shaman and the turtle introduced me to the dragon.

 

[yellowknife]

Seeker-

I can't help being intrigued by the castle having originally been glass and now being stone.

Although, as you say, it's a "refuge", it's interesting that it's got possibly more impenetrable and "fortress"-like, even during (presumably) your marriage. Almost as if your most private, intimate self has become progressively more barred to your husband-

51 then talking of the shock of someone having penetrated some way into this most private place.
Maybe a question is; why or how has he been allowed in to this refuge?
and, might you allow a representation of your husband in, in some way...even if this was a difficult undertaking?

I wanted to venture an interpretation because the "fortress" aspect of the stone castle really struck me...but please discount if it doesn't feel right- meditations are so personal.

Very best wishes in your searching.

 

[candid]

Seeker,

I agree with the ideas here so far by Rinda, Stuart and Wolverine.

Your world and castle included an image of your Yang in the form of this man you've briefly known. Was he in the frame that typically held your image? If so, he reflects an important part of you. You may ask yourself just what attributes this image contained in your meditation. Did the image arouse you? If so, in what ways?

I think Wolverine's curiosity about the glass become stone is telling. Glass allows others to see inside, whereas you've made your private place impenetrable through the element of stone. Your excitement therefore has become intensely private, hidden from your husband. There it is safe to visualize your fantasy. I?m going to venture a guess that you look up to the image this man presents to you. The Yang image would suggest someone who takes control of a situation. Perhaps this is what the vision is telling you to do?

The dragon and turtle were not able to see or understand this image because they are not carnal creatures.

Don't think it unusual if your response to the image of this man was arousal, whether carnally or spiritually. The two are not separate when seen with both eyes.

 

[seeker]

Well, you have put forth some good ideas that have me thinking. First, let me comment on the glass vs stone. At the time I created this place I was taking a class in advanced meditation. The teacher worked very closely with me, often going for coffee after class to discuss things further. I had just gone through a divorce and was just entering the Pagan community. Initially, the castle was glass, but opaque. I believe at that point the glass represented me as fragile, breakable, vulnerable, insecure and the fact that it was opaque did symbolize that no one could see in. As I developed and became stronger it became more solid, like crystal. The journey changing it to stone was me building myself up, finding strength in who I was, creating stability in my life. However, up until now I never thought about the fact that my husband or child had never been there. The castle itself is my refuge, not me, but my innermost selves do live there.

The castle is not a fortress, no walls or moats or anything, and the entrance is a large wooden door with a handle that is never locked. Its actually very inviting, like something out of a fairy tale. But the idea that I have not revealed my true self to my husband has merit. One of the things I've been working on is finding out who I am again. I let myself adapt my husbands values and goals and let go of my own. Maybe thats why I stopped visiting the castle for so long. And maybe thats why he has never appeared there.

The idea that the other person penetrated that place is also a good one. It was being with him that made me realize that I had lost part of myself. For some reason, when I was with him I let that part out. We just clicked from the very beginning, no awkwardness, completely relaxed and comfortable, like we had been together for years. He acutally almost ended it after our first time together because he said the level of intimacy scared him; he didn't expect it to be like that so early in the relationship. When I was with him, we would talk for hours, about things I had forgotten I was even interested in. I discovered I had let go of anything I was interested in that my husband wasn't. It was like I suddenly woke up after a long sleep.

Candid, you are correct in that I was looking up at the portrait, but it was not in my frame, it was on the adjacent wall. It didn't arouse me, just sort of caught me off guard. I turned around to find Odin (thats the turtle), and I asked him why the picture was here, I said I didn't understand. His response was "don't you?" When I said no, he said I would tell myself when I was ready and then he changed the subject and took me downstairs. I don't remember if I asked Etherea (the dragon) about it, but I went to the cave to see the wild girl and met a new resident, the shadow self and neither of them could tell me either. You know, I just realized that most of the meditation is still vivid in my memory, but I don't remember anything of my conversation with the shadow self. Kind of ironic considering the obvious representation. I should probably explain about the wild girl as well, so you don't misunderstand. Its a name I used to use in chat rooms years ago, borrowed from a book my Charles DeLint, but it was often misinterpreted and I got some...interesting proposals. She is not wild in a sexual or destructive way. She is just a free spirit, strong and resiliant, related to the earth (she does live in a cave). I met her about a month ago, and I think that introduction had to do also with taking me back to who I am. The chat room I was in when I used that name was run by me and was called the cave of the wild ones. It was based on a poem I wrote. When I met her she was extremely angry and attacked me; it was one of the most emotional meditative experiences I've ever had. So thanks for all of the input, any additional comments are welcome. I will probably do another meditation today, will post the results here.

 

[candid]

Seeker,

Wow, that's a regular Alice in Symbol-land! I'm sort of envious. My meditations are so tame in comparison.

I think it's rare we ever get to confront our shadow directly. Its hidden-ness is part of makes it a shadow.

I think the reason you may have felt you could be so much yourself with this other guy is that in that paradigm he wasn't judging anything you said. That is the sense of safety that too often dies off in a marriage. It is often rediscovered when a male boss spends time with his female secretary over lunches, for example. She looks up to him, neither judges what the other says; they just listen with real interest. That takes pressure off and allows each other to open up and just say things from the heart. (If only husbands and wives could rediscover that in each other. Instead, each is building their defense as the other speaks.) But that's not to say that there isn't real chemistry with each other. Just that the chemistry is enhanced and empowered through trust.

 

[seeker]

You would think it would be the other way around, you should feel the most comfortable with the person you are spending your life with. But you are right, at some point I became afraid that my husband wouldn't want to stay with me if I expressed how I really felt about some things. I've been trying to rediscover him and let him rediscover me, but it seems like the more we find out about each other, the farther apart we are. He and the counselor both told me I need to stop making excuses for him because he is bipolar. The thing is, I'm finding there are a lot of things I am not happy with that I used to ignore because of his illness. I thought it wasn't his fault so it wasn't right for me to be angry or bothered by his behavior. I didn't think I had the right to expect anything. I ended up taking on a lot of the responsibility for our family. But if that were the only problem, I think we would be ok. The thing is we have also drifted apart, we don't share the same interests anymore, and we have lost the passion and romance that we once had.

Well, I have gone on and its probably more than you wanted to know

I got busy at work so haven't done my meditation yet, will try to get to it tonight. I'll post what happens if you guys are still interested. Thanks again for all the help. Its nice just to have people who will listen.